Dating someone with Anxiety.

[kdaniels593]

Hello everyone,

I dated a very lovely lady for about 8 months who had anxiety. The first 6 months were amazing. I really loved her and thought I was going to marry this woman. We would text/call each other frequently. Sex was amazing. Then after this point I felt like she completely withdrew from me emotionally. She stopped with the texting, calling, or even responding for 3-4 days at a time. When she did they were short regular answers that felt like I was always bothering her. She told me sometimes she falls into a hole and doesn't talk to anyone for days at a time.

I did research on anxiety and realized how much she was going through that I couldn't possibly understand all of it. I gave her 100% of my love, support, and positive reinforcement that I could. In my head, I figured she just wasn't interested in me anymore. So I just stopped talking to her and after a week of feeling alone in the relationship with no communication, I childishly removed my "in a relationship" on my facebook. Not because I wanted to date other women. I just felt insecure and not needed.

She stayed "friends" with me on FB. So I figured she didn't absolutely hate me for my petty action. I wrote her a letter that I spilled my heart unto, and even called her a week later. She never responded. It really hurt. I don't ever expect to get her back. However it would be helpful to know what I did wrong for her to completely shut me out after being so loving for 6 months.

Is it common for someone with anxiety in a relationship to do this frequently?

[Anne1221]

I personally don't think it was her anxiety. But you sound like a great guy so I sure hope you find a gal who can appreciate you.

[fixmybrokenmind]

Hey man sorry to hear about that. It is great to hear how understanding you are, if you carry that into future relationships you will make a woman very happy.

As for what you did wrong I can't see anything. She is clearly dealing with her own stuff and doesn't realize how special you were. Honestly sometimes people with anxiety will be scared to commit emotionally. She may have been scared to let herself love you because she was too anxious of losing you if she let her guard down 100%. Don't take it personally.

[J. Ans]

That sounds more like there is some depression along with the anxiety. I wish people would just come out and be honest about how they feel, why their actions might have changed, etc. A long time ago, I briefly dated someone who suddenly stopped returning my phone calls. I happened to run into him at a party one year later, and he said it was because he has major depression and he had had some fight with his family and he shut down and could not call anyone, including me. He asked for my forgiveness. So it was mostly his issues and not me. So maybe it was this person's issues and not you that caused them to back away.

[needingtounderstand]

I completely understand what you are going through. I posted much of the same a few days ago. 5 years of the same - texting every day, amazing sex, thanks of how much he appreciated me and him finally starting to see his worth, telling me we had a love greater than he had ever known, then the same thing. Something personal happened in his life and he would not tell me fully what he was feeling over it. I tried to keep up the texts telling him how special he was and how much I would always love him - slowly he pulled away, sometimes break off contact. I too would send long emails pouring my heart out to him. It has now got to the point that he says he still loves me, very much but cannot emotionally invest - he is dead inside.

He does not seem to understand the emotional impact the change from last year to this year has had on me. Although he did finally say he could see how his change of emotions for discussing living together last September to cant emotionally invest now could be "confusing"

He suffers from depression and is on two types of medication - that I know. And now states my telling him I love him sends him into an anxiety attack. I actually started to doubt any of his feelings over the last 5 years. I had read an article called the empathy and the narcissist and it seemed so much like us.

It is very difficult from our perspective to understand. How can someone just change like that. I have done so much reading on depression and anxiety to try to understand what he might be going through but if they will not talk to you and open up it is soul crushing. You think if they don't block you or stay friends on social media that maybe there is a chance.

I wish you luck.

[kdaniels593]

Thank you. I understand that it might not have been her anxiety. However when you say you love someone over the course of that period then act this way, you can't help but feel disrespected and betrayed. That's why I asked if it was common for someone with anxiety to act like that so I can forgive myself and her.

[kdaniels593]

Thanks. Yes I figured I just let her go and let it be.

[kdaniels593]

needingtounderstand Wow sorry that you have been through so much. Thanks for the response. It's good to know I am not going crazy.

[needingtounderstand]

I know kdaniels593. You start to totally lose your self esteem. You wonder what you did, or did not do. Your mind starts to race, why were you not good enough. When you break up because you fight on things it is easier - but when someone just flicks a switch......

The article I quoted really helped me understand that probably no matter what, everyone in his life would eventually be cast aside in lieu of someone new that could boost his self esteem. But it is still hard not to take it personally, especially when you have invested yourself totally in the relationship

I too, posted asking for some help in understanding if his actions were due to depression or anxiety to see if I should wait for him to come back to me as I could not understand his feelings - shouldn't love heal all... but I am starting to see that no matter what I would not have been truly happy - it would have been a one way relationship.

Guess we both need to let go and try to move on. :)

[Teafrenzy]

Anxiety is a very powerful emotion. I dated a woman with Anxiety as well. I hate to say this but if you are dating someone with anxiety and they don't seek help for it, you are probably better off away from them.