Just looking for help for me to understand

[needingtounderstand]

Hi all. I hope you don't mind me asking you for feedback. I do not suffer from anxiety but someone I love does.

We were extremely close last year. Very close. He has suffered from depression and anxiety and is on medication.

Stuff happened last year. At first he seemed ok with it. Relieved in fact and talked about us moving forward with our relationship, then he slowly started to turn. He became distant. He works out of town and our main line of communication is texts. He would respond to me, but not to any text where there was emotion.

He would even block me for a period of time. He says he is dead inside even though he states he still loves me.

Previously when this happened I fought to show him just how much he meant to me and he did say that time how much he appreciated it and how it made us stronger.

This time is different. No matter how much I tell him how special he is he pulls further and further away. For awhile he told me not to give up, now he just says he cant emotionally invest. I try to ask what is going on but he freaks on me saying I put him into a panic attack.

I don't know what to think. I am afraid if I give him space his feeling for me will go away, but I am afraid if I try to keep anything alive with us, I will just push him away.
I just don't know what to do, and he is right - I don't know what he is going through. He seems to be fine with other people, I see pictures or hear how he seems ok in other social situation but he basically has cut me off. He will respond to my texts of saying hi, but will never initiate. When I asked if occasionally he could say good morning first he said no, that would be too much like a relationship.

I am struggling so much to try to understand and not give up hope but how can I understand if he will not talk to me

I feel bad asking the group this - I apologize if it is not really appropriate as this is a forum for people with anxiety - I just don't know where to turn.

[ponato]

damnnnnn, I used to be brutal for acting this exact same way to girlfriends. I was fine with everyone else but when it came to her I would hardly ever talk or reply and lose my marbles if she pushed me to talk.

Im not like that anymore (thankfully) but I'll tell you why I was like this. For me I told myself I was fine with her or without her and wanted her to think/know that, it was essentially a sense of control. Looking back it was a big time form of mental/emotional abuse and the smartest thing anyone i dated could have done was leave me. When they actually did leave, I would try and grovel my way back in or act like a psycho making threats of harm or self harm. If I got back in with her, it would be good for a week then I would go back to the old behaviors. Its essentially the cycle of abuse (google that).

Im very open with who I am with now and have a 10/10 relationship, and from what she says she feels the same way. It took a lot of counseling to reach this level, and especially learning to see things from the other persons (yours) perspective. I was the peak level of how your boyfriend is behaving, and I turned it around, it took ohhh 20 years (Im 50 now). Im gonna speak bluntly here--if you are young, I would seriously consider moving on in life no matter how hard that may be. Being I was that person your man is, he is working the control angle on you and if he doesnt want to change, he wont. I wanted to change badly because I got sick of me. Yeah, after rereading your post, you are in a bad scene, and I dont foresee it improving. Just being honest

[needingtounderstand]

Thank you for honest feedback. I have been trying to hold on for 7 months now with him pulling further and further away. So hard to just give up when you remember what things were like and how close we were - or how close I thought we were. We talked soulmates - corny I know especially since I am not young lol. He was the one that fought so hard to break down my emotional wall - I always kept my heart behind a wall so as not to get hurt - was the one that broke through that for the first time in 30 years. I am amazed at how much this hurts considering our relationship was one of limited time together - but when we were together it just seemed as if we were meant to be - time would pass amazingly fast.

I read an article called the empathy and the narcissist and it so hit home but still I did not want to believe that. I always thought love could break through that. He had told me how he was emotionally abused by his mother as a child. I had hoped that showing him unconditional love would prove he was worthy of it. He is a brilliant man, extreme over achiever. It is hard to think he could just throw what we had (again what I thought we had) and just move on.

Again, thank you for you bluntness. It is hard when you are the "fixer" - that is what my therapist called me - always wanting to fix stuff - it is how I measure my worth in relationships - except for him - he was self sufficient except for needing love and validation. I guess I will just have to let go and try to remember it is not me.

[ponato]

Thank you for honest feedback. I have been trying to hold on for 7 months now with him pulling further and further away. So hard to just give up when you remember what things were like and how close we were - or how close I thought we were. We talked soulmates - corny I know especially since I am not young lol. He was the one that fought so hard to break down my emotional wall - I always kept my heart behind a wall so as not to get hurt - was the one that broke through that for the first time in 30 years. I am amazed at how much this hurts considering our relationship was one of limited time together - but when we were together it just seemed as if we were meant to be - time would pass amazingly fast.

I read an article called the empathy and the narcissist and it so hit home but still I did not want to believe that. I always thought love could break through that. He had told me how he was emotionally abused by his mother as a child. I had hoped that showing him unconditional love would prove he was worthy of it. He is a brilliant man, extreme over achiever. It is hard to think he could just throw what we had (again what I thought we had) and just move on.

Again, thank you for you bluntness. It is hard when you are the "fixer" - that is what my therapist called me - always wanting to fix stuff - it is how I measure my worth in relationships - except for him - he was self sufficient except for needing love and validation. I guess I will just have to let go and try to remember it is not me.

when you meet the guy who you dont have to fix, doesnt make any attempts to control you and unconditionally is always there for you, you will know. Ive been at both ends where I was a controlling freaktard and now absolutely would do anything for my partner, no controlling, open communication, al of it. Its super easy to be like that with her because she is so genuinely such a good person and I know she appreciates it as I appreciate her.

And for that guy who you need to let go of,.....speaking from personal experience sharing, communication, no conditions and overall happiness in the relationship is A HELL OF A LOT better than being the prior person. Its genuinely fun when both parties are in great head spaces (for lack of better words) in a relationship. It tool me til I was 46 to meet her and straighten my own issues out, if thats any consolation

[needingtounderstand]

Thank you. Still difficult to give up 5 years and not understand why or what happened. I think that is the hard part. Not understanding what is going on in his head - how things could have changed so drastically. Looking over emails he sent me in the past it is like I am dealing with a completely different person.

I am glad you were able to figure things out . I do know he sees a therapist - but not on a regular basis due to his work schedule. I do have a feeling he does not truly tell the therapist everything. He can be great at telling how other people slight him, but not how he reactions or treats other. I have found in conversations, he is always the victim. Thank you again. Glad you found happiness.

[fixmybrokenmind]

It's hard to answer your question fully without knowing exactly what happened. If you aren't comfortable telling us that is fine but we can give you better insight if we know.
From the sounds of it it sounds like there was some reaching outside the relationship?

[lashattack]

I'm a female with anxiety and my husband has stuck with me through it even though he has caused a lot of it. Now that we're on a better track I don't always want to open up to him because I feel like I'm bothering him with my worries. Maybe your guy feels the same way? I wish I could be of more help!

[needingtounderstand]

It's hard to answer your question fully without knowing exactly what happened. If you aren't comfortable telling us that is fine but we can give you better insight if we know.
From the sounds of it it sounds like there was some reaching outside the relationship?

No, there was no reaching outside by either of us. Well, I guess I should say as far as I know.....

I guess that is the hard part, I don't really know exactly what happened either. To quote him there are lots of things to his emotions that he cant and sometimes does not wish share with me because it leads to conversations that lead to additional panic and anxiety. He states he has many horrible experiences in life that is shaping what he is going through right now and I cannot measure what he has said in the past to me based on who he is now.

I am just not like that. I believe in talking. Maybe sometimes too much, so I am ultimately in the dark as I am not allowed to ask questions - as that will cause him to have anxiety

[fixmybrokenmind]

I am going to be honest and to the point.
You are very strong and caring to stick around, it is very admirable. You need to express to him how important it is that you guys communicate. If he can not so much as communicate with you then he is clearly not putting in the effort you are.
If you are dealing with your own problems as well and are making no progress with him he is bringing you down.

I always explain my problems with my partner it is the only way to make things last.

In a relationship it is grow or go

[needingtounderstand]

Ok, so I am still looking for help from the group. I just don't know if he is playing me or what.

We used to be incredibly close, in fact he was the one that pushed for me to lower my walls and let him in. We said we were soulmates, corny as it sounds, and we are not kids. He told me once, no one had ever fought for him before. he used to call me his wife when were together, even though we were not married.

The last year has been hell, him slowly pushing me away, saying he feels dead inside. All he can say is that his feelings have not changed, but he can't or won't say I love you.

It's been a year since we saw each other and he had asked that I not contact him at all for the past 2 months. I did try, but I did send texts saying merry Xmas and happy new year to which he did not respond

In Jan we did connect again, and became physical again which shocked me. I saw the person I knew before. I gave me hope that he had turned a corner. He told me he was going to try to come off his med's which scared me because I did not want to go back to where we were before since he is getting ready to leave town again for a while for work.

I sent him a text of some things to watch out for and not to wean off too quickly. He did not respond. I sent him a nice good morning the next day, and he did not respond. I texted him in the afternoon asking if we were good - that was it - "We good?"

Back to he has to sign off cause I am pressuring him

Then says it was was of the rules not to ask if things are ok, that I did not honor his request and that he said he would tell me if anything was wrong and if I ask again, it would be the end as it is not healthy. I told him this is what adults do if they think they have offended anyone and a simple " you bet" would have sufficed.

I don't know if he actually believes this or is just having a fun old time playing with my emotions. I cannot believe the incredibly sensitive sweet man I knew is this guy. He has to know that the fact he was physical with me again meant something. He has to know that him telling me his feelings have not changed meant something


Please, anyone with anxiety, is this normal or am I being played by a complete narcissist. He is a brilliant and intelligent man. Travels the world consulting. It is so had to believe the man I knew for the past 5 years and this guy are the same. I know I should probably just move on, but it is hard when you have such deep feelings for someone.