Trauma From Past Episodes of Anxiety/Depression

[gypsylee]

Hi everyone,

Something I've noticed about my anxiety is it brings back feelings of other bad depressive episodes. I'm not sure how to describe this but it's quite a distinct feature of my anxiety. It's sort of a deja vu feeling, like "oh my god this is happening again!" and it somehow makes the anxiety worse than if it was my first episode.

I'm 42 and have had a nervous disposition my whole life but was diagnosed with Major Depression in 1993, when I was 19 and had my first really bad episode. Since then I've had a lot of "nervous breakdowns" where the anxiety has become absolutely crippling. I'm surprised I've managed to not be hospitalised because of it.

I got quite a lot better when I finally stopped drinking heavily. But in 2013 I found out my (Narcissistic) ex was moving interstate with our daughter (without any consideration for me); in 2014 my brother overdosed on heroin (noone even knew he was using anything); in 2015 my mum ended up in a wheelchair needing a double hip replacement (it took them 6 months to work this out, while I looked after her on my own). The situation with my daughter and ex remains volatile and triggers extreme anxiety in me. To be honest, my brother's death has been a lot easier to cope with and I count the days until my daughter is independent enough that I don't have to deal with the ex much (she's 15 now).

Anyway, I've spent much of 2016 battling severe anxiety and depression (which isn't surprising when I write down the details of the last couple of years). But there's this whole "it's happening again!" thing going on. I try to think about how my life has improved, which it has in many ways, but it's as if I've gone right back to where I started emotionally/mentally. It's really horrible and makes me feel like I will never, ever be free of this anxiety beast.

So I'm wondering if any others can relate to this? It's like some kind of Complex PTSD, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the ex/daughter situation. The doctors basically just say I need to learn ways for it to not get to me but that really is easier said than done after 15 years of emotional abuse.

Any thoughts from you guys would be appreciated :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Butterfly29]

I know how you feel. It's like taking 10 steps backwards when you experience another rough patch. I was doing really well until this June and now I feel like I'm back where I started but worse.

[gypsylee]

Thanks Butterfly. It really does feel like you're worse! I'm just going through my morning anxiety and it's just awful.

[FudoMyoo]

I also get the same way and it is completely understandable even though I've never had a professional come out and say it is PTSD. I do have PTSD but from other circumstances which probably led to the anxiety and depression but anxiety and panic attacks along with depressive cycles are definitely traumatic.

I had a nervous breakdown myself a year ago, on Sept 14th to be exact, when my gf at the time left me and turned around and got engaged to another man. It was just too much and I had to "drop out of life" so to speak, to take care of myself. No work, no school, no going out, just support groups and lots of therapy. So the 1 year anniversary of that one of several just passed but it was really anxious and afraid going ahead as time drew closer to the date this year. I kept thinking "it's going to happen again," and had to do lots of self talk and mental coaching. I even managed to change my perspective by saying that if I went through it last year and made it i could do it again, regardless if I wanted to or not. But those circumstances were past and no longer present. Another thing is when I caught myself saying that it was going to happen again i would recognize it, pay it attention, do work with my inner child to comfort it and then say at the end that it was just my fear speaking and not the absolute truth.

We may never completely overcome our diagnosis but we can learn to better cope with them.

BTW, Tool is my favorite band and I credit their music and lyrics to saving my life many times. Hope this helps
-Spiral Out

[gypsylee]

Thanks for the reply.

Can you tell me more about the work you do with your inner child? It's definitely something that would help me and sometimes I say to myself "it's ok, nothing bad is happening" (out loud at times).

I guess my biggest issue is that I am still having to deal with my abuser (ex-husband) so I can't heal and every single interaction is a nightmare :(

Tool are awesome indeed. One of the things that calms me down is playing those stupid Facebook games like Candy Crush (with the volume off) and listening to Tool.

[FudoMyoo]

Right, what I do sounds and looks very similar to that. I think I may be just putting more awareness on where the voice of fear is coming from.

Working with the inner child for me is acknowledging all those childhood experiences that shaped me presently. Often more than not I tend to remember the negative memories more, they stand out, they were critical in defining the mental dialogue that goes on within me. So I separate myself from that person and listen to that voice, as a very caring, compassionate and empathetic person. I see that there were times in my childhood that repeatedly led and enforced me to believe that "I'm not safe, I'm not worthy, I'm alone, I'm afraid" etc...

I acknowledge those feelings and validate that they are true feelings and that they don't feel good, they are scary, they are unpleasant. I say "it's ok" to feel that way and understand why the child in me would feel that way because of past events and parents, peers, or siblings, feeding me negative thoughts. Maybe the lectured me, or made fun of me, either way somehow I learned this pattern of thinking that has stayed with me to this day.

Once I've acknowledged those feelings and had an understanding conversation with my child, a very gentle and kind one, that it is ok to feel that way because of the past, I then move on to how those instances have changed. How those records of dialogue that play over and over in my head may have been true then, and maybe they weren't either, either way that now things are different. Now I, separate from the child, am here for that child. I'm an adult and can choose an option that I couldn't as a kid because I didn't understand or have the resources. Now I can take him and I away from feelings of danger, or comfort us, point out all the good things about him and I now.

It's a cognitive therapy that is very similar in dialogue to me going to a therapist and the back and forth that would happen there. This is just the basics, and something I've heard to try for years by professional but didn't really start til the past year and a half or so. I find it very soothing and healing. It was originally given to me under the name of transactional analysis and took a while to understand. You may want to google it to get a better more thorough explanation but that is the gist of how an encounter with my inner child goes. Read the lyrics to "Jimmy" off of Aenima, you can see something similar going on there. I hope this helps

[Kirk]

I was mentally abused and a bit physically abused as a child by my mother, which physicians said has caused my health anxiety.
I just turned 60 and have had HA off and on since I was 25. Medicine never worked for me so I have had to tough it out. My first
wife many years ago cheated on me and it was not good at all. I have now been married for almost 30 years and my wife now is
supportive of me. For my anxiety, distraction has worked best for me. I have a small business as a CPA and working helps distract me
as does hobbies such as sports memorabilia collecting, wathing TV,. etc. My internal medicine physician is also very suportive and helps
me tough it out. I have had my moments however when I had mini-meltdowns and had a bit of difficulty functioning at 100%. I think if
you have a good support base, such as family members, friends, maybe even clergy, even though that is not for me, discussion groups,
and the like may help you. I also like my alone time and like to watch youtube and listen to different types of music. I am just trying
to offer you suggestion because what works for me, may work for you. I forgot to mention that I have been going to the same Starbucks for
over 10 years almost every night and that relaxes me watching people and I have made some friends in the process. I would experiment and
see what works best for you.

[gypsylee]

Thanks so much for the replies.

Last night I was thinking back to when I was a child and I was always really sensitive. Like I remember staying at friends' houses and being so homesick I'd go and cry to the mother, saying I wanted to go home. I also worried like crazy, even back then (under 10yo) and had problems sleeping. From the outside it was an awesome childhood and I don't remember any overt abuse or neglect but there are a few indicators that my mother wasn't able to be very "maternal". I've seen her now with my own daughter and she can be quite nasty in fact. I also remember sleepwalking one time when I was maybe 7yo - I walked down the hall to where my parents were and said "will you be angry at me?" then went back to bed. I also have a diary from when I was 10yo and my mother was frequently in bad moods. The other thing that's hinted at in that diary is that as kids we were given pills to make us sleep and I remember mum dipping my brother's pacifier in alcohol to calm him down.

He overdosed on a combination of benzos and heroin in 2014 when he was 33yo. His life was completely normal on the outside - good job, house in the suburbs, one kid and another on the way. Noone knew he was taking anything other than anti-depressants, let alone heroin. We think he must have been an occasional user and got a strong batch of heroin, plus he had Diazepam and Temazepam in his system. He went fishing by himself one night and was found the next day with a needle still in his arm.

My anxiety and depression have been so bad I've never been able to lead a "normal" life. I went to a prestigious private school (where both my parents taught!) and did a Bachelor's Degree in Marketing at one of Melbourne's best universities. My grades put me in the top 15% of all undergraduates. I had to defer in second year because that's when I started getting crippling panic attacks that wouldn't stop. I finished the degree but I couldn't cope with the jobs I got and was bullied by my bosses. Looking back, Marketing was probably the most stupid choice for me but noone ever said I wasn't suited to it. I would've been way better off doing something like Arts. So yes, my parents' plan for their daughter to be a great success backfired pretty epically LOL.

Then in my mid-20s I met my future husband and father of my child. I enjoyed being pregnant and the first year or so of being a mother (I'm actually very maternal unlike my own mother). But he was lazy and unsupportive, and starting to be emotionally abusive so I had another breakdown when she was 18 months and had to leave. Since then he's done everything in his power to mess with my head and in 2008 I ended up drinking myself into hospital with alcohol-induced Pancreatitis. He's still at it now (the mind games and power trips) but she's 15yo, so there is light at the end of the tunnel!

So yeah that's kind of my life story (if anyone got this far lol). My biggest problem atm is the sense of isolation and lack of support but I'm working on building a bit of a support base like you say, Kirk. I actually invited my neighbour over the other night - he's around my age and also gets social anxiety. That was a huge step for me because I tend to isolate myself even more when the anxiety is bad and hate asking for help.

FudoMyoo - I hadn't heard Jimmy but I watched it on YouTube with lyrics and cried. I guess that's about himself. Thank you also for your explanation of the work you do with your inner child.. It's definitely something that I need to do.

Spiral out!
Gypsy x

[Anne1221]

Gypsy, good for you for inviting your neighbor over! That is great. My therapist is always telling me to include more people in my life,
and he's right. It is helpful. I am sooo sorry about your brother. I've been learning a lot about heroin addiction because it's a big problem in the US. Apparently it is incredibly hard to kick once you've tried it.

[gypsylee]

Thanks Anne.. Yeah it definitely helps having someone nearby for support.

Meth addiction is more of a problem here I think.

[FudoMyoo]

We have similar backgrounds. I can remember high anxiety since my earliest memories also. And I too would wake up crying at a cousins or friends house trying to stay the night because I wanted to go home in the middle of the night, it was so embarrassing. Everyday going to school started with so much anxiety because I was scarred to be there. And I went to private school too from kinder through high school.

My mom was the opposite, she was always there no matter what and gave me so much love but I attached to her and had a hard time when she wasn't around. It seems that over bearing love can have negative consequences also as it did in me. I didn't know how to go out of my comfort zone and feel safe without her.

I double majored in business because I thought it was what my parents wanted but what I wanted was to study art as well but they did not support that and I was going to school on their money. I had really bad anxiety in college, that's when the bad episodes started and had to have them drop me off and pick me up from school when I had a vehicle and could drive, it was middle school all over. I made it through but now I have gone back to art and am in love with it.

I don't really have any friends either, maybe 3 or 4 that I talk to weekly.


Like Kirk mentioned I have filled my time up with work, art, a hobby turned to passion and attend support groups regularly. I do most things alone but even interacting with a cashier goes appreciated now. I shy away from social functions where I know I will see a handful of people or more that are acquaintances but can go to concerts where I might not know anyone all day.

And yes he was 11 in Ohio when his mother was in a major accident and paralyzed for the rest of her life

[gypsylee]

Interesting that we have similar backgrounds.

I've been reading some stuff today and I actually think some of the anxiety I've been getting lately is due to hormone levels. Last year I started getting these weird adrenaline rushes when I was trying to go to sleep and the thing is I wasn't even anxious or worrying about anything. Then recently I've been feeling kind of hot and sweaty. Well I read some stories today from women my age who have experienced the exact same thing - even being woken up by adrenaline rushes in the middle of the night - and it's because of falling estrogen levels ie "The Change". So we probably don't have that in common but yeah, I've had a suspicion about this for a while. I've mentioned it to both my psychiatrist and GP and not gotten anywhere much, which is another common story I was reading *sigh*.