My Partner's Anxiety...

[Mermaid23]

My partner and I have been together for over 3 years. I didn't find out until about half way through our relationship that she has a combo of anxiety/depression which was fine with me. While it wasn't bad at the beginning of our relationship it just seems to be getting worse. I have always been supportive but I am getting to my wits end. It continues to cause issues in our relationship mainly because it causes her mind to wander to negative things specifically about me and I feel like I constantly have to defend myself even when I haven't done anything wrong. She over analyzes and reads into everything I say or do and I feel like I'm constantly under a microscope. For example, I posted a picture to Instagram (I am a photographer so I post a lot of pictures). I was with her when I took the picture but she got upset because I didn't tag her in the picture. She will also read into things too much if I don't happen to like or comment on something on her Facebook. I have social media but I typically don't get all into the liking and the commenting it is mainly to share my photos. I know her anxiety is to blame for some of this and I try to be supportive but there is only so much a person can take. I've even told her she's pushing me away but that doesn't seem to have done much. I suggested she go back to seeing her therapist a while back but that doesn't seem to have helped anything at all. I guess what I'm looking for is some guidance or advice on what I can do to either help her or myself cope.

[stellaclark25]

What you are going through is understandable. I think I can relate a lot to what you are saying, the only difference being that I am, or was, on the other end of the spectrum, in other words, the person with the anxiety. My long-term relationship of 4 years ended several months ago. At the time I didn't realize it, but in hindsight, my anxiety and depression was a major contributing factor. Maybe I can share a bit of my experience. If my advice can help you in your relationship, then that would be awesome. I think it is great that you are seeking help and advice so that you and your partner can resolve things.

I can completely relate to your partner over analyzing and reading into things you do. As a person who has done a lot of overthinking and worrying since I was a child, I now know, or believe, that all that was largely related to my anxiety and depression. Not that it has to be an excuse, but that’s how I feel. Unfortunately with something as sensitive as mental health, when discussing mistakes that a person makes, it is difficult to distinguish between making excuses, and finding true reasons for why things happened.

Looking back on my relationship, I have said and done many things I am not proud of, which I really only meant well every single time. For example, I often came across as critical of my partner, even though I found her to be an amazing human being. I still think that about her. One time when she cursed in a semi-formal social setting, that took me by surprise, and for whatever crazy reason at the time, I thought it was not ok, or something along those lines. Later that evening I told her that she shouldn't do that, and she was very offended, and for good reason. There are other examples, but I would rather focus on what goes on in the mind of a person with anxiety, or at least, what I have learned from my experience.

I like to think that I am very self-aware of the world around me, of how cool life is to live, and how amazing it is that we are alive on this planet. Not to get too philosophical here, but oftentimes I think about my whole life, and imagine it all. So during the past few years, I have always worried and over analyzed if I am making the right choices in life, career wise for example. Am I going to have a stable job in the future? Am I going to be able to provide for my family? Will I be able to help my parents out and ensure they have a happy, financial worry-free retirement? What would people think of me if I fail? I worry about these things all the time. Also, I have had low self-confidence and low self-esteem for my whole life, and have always felt insecure about myself as a person. I often see more attractive people, who are happy, and confident, and I then feel like my heart gets heavy and I get sweaty, and think I can never be as awesome as they are. It’s something I am getting better at overcoming through practice. I think many people with anxiety experience insecurity, and feel the need to be liked and accepted by people. In today’s Instagram-crazed society, with so many people having these perfectly choreographed Instagram lives, it’s easy to fall prey to the idea that everyone is popular and confident, and that you may not be as cool and valuable as them.

Perhaps your partner is experiencing something similar, where she feel the need to feel accepted, to feel like she has a purpose in life and that she is on the right track in terms of pursuing dreams and aspirations. We all want to life a happy, fulfilling life. Social media has a huge influence on our lives whether we want to admit it or not, and maybe she just wants more attention, to feel more connected to you. This may be a vague explanation, but I am going off of what I feel. What I can tell you for sure is that as a person with anxiety, I don’t wish to sound better, or come across as better than anyone else, I just want to feel equal and valuable.

As to what may work to “fix” things, that is more difficult to answer, for the obvious reasons of every person being different. However, for some of the things I said above about myself, if you think they are similar to what your partner is like, I can tell you what I think may have worked for me as a person, had my partner at the time tried to help me. I would try and talk to her and find out what does she like in life. What makes her happy? Or if something makes her anxious, say thinking about the future, what would make her feel better knowing that it’s all ok and things will work out? I would try and gauge how she feels about her friends circle, how welcomed and valuable does she feel. Is she craving more community? Perhaps she wants to meet more people from different walks of life, experience what they have to say, and realize that “wow, I am actually ok, I am a good person, I can be confident, and I am making good life choices.” When a person feels confident and valuable in their skin, the need for acceptance from others (such as other people seeing her tagged in social media posts) becomes less and less pronounced, because she knows that the connection she has with you and other people she knows and has met, is enough to know that she is actually a very cool, all-around good person.

Anxiety is not fun, it can take its toll on a person (AND the person’s partner), that I know very well. And unfortunately it being a mental state, it is really not as simple as dealing with it, sometimes it’s just very difficult to think positively. Recently I have started taking more vitamin D3 supplements, and fish oil pills, in the hope that it will help with my overall mental health and help me calmer and worry and over analyze a lot less.

I hope that I didn’t sound too confusing, and hopefully you can relate to at least some things so that you can maybe help your partner. I hope it all works out for you and her!