HI

[Nervousness2016]

HI,

I am totally new here, this is my first post. I suffer from acute anxiety.

There has been something on my mind for quite a while now and it comes and goes. When it comes it makes me feel disgusted with myself and extremely anxious. I am trying to find a way that I can move on.

Last year, one night, I was extremely drunk and for some strange, strange and unknown reason I told an incredibly racist "joke". I have no idea where it came from it was like it fell out of my mouth. I am not willing to repeat it as it's totally despicable. I have no idea why I would say something like it. I am not in any way racist. I'm sure people might say "well if you told that joke then you are" but this was totally out of character and I certainly do not believe the content to have any actual meaning behind it.

Anyway, that's the first part. My anxiety has now grown and warped in to a paranoia that somehow, me saying this disgusting "joke" has been recorded and that everyone I know will either see or hear me saying it and it will brand me as some sort of horrible racist for the rest of my life.

It has become exhausting. I wish I could find the individual I said it to so that I could profusely apologise.

I just want to find a way to put it behind me and not worry that somehow a video of it is going to go viral or something.

Please help!

[Kirk]

Welcome to the forum. I would forget about what you said, as when you are drunk you may say things that you do not mean as your mind is not functioning properly.
No one else will hear it and I am sure it has not gone viral. I would try to forget it and move forward. All of us at one time or another have said things out of character.

[Nervousness2016]

Welcome to the forum. I would forget about what you said, as when you are drunk you may say things that you do not mean as your mind is not functioning properly.
No one else will hear it and I am sure it has not gone viral. I would try to forget it and move forward. All of us at one time or another have said things out of character.


Thank you for your reply. That does make me feel better. I do try to remember that I am human and we all make silly mistakes.

[Anne1221]

Here's another thing, unless you just made the joke up that night, you must have heard it, so what you did was repeat it. I don't know what it is with my anxiety, but I have found things that come out of my mouth that shocked even me. I will hear myself saying something and then I think, "why did I say that?" This doesn't have anything to do with racism but just to let you know it is another of those things about anxiety that can make our lives so much more difficult than if we didn't have it. Not to mention, those without anxiety wouldn't even care if they said it, whereas someone with anxiety will worry about it.

[Anne1221]

And Kirk is so right...disregard anything you say or do while drunk. That's not the real you.

[Nervousness2016]

Thanks for the reply. No I didn't make it up, I don't remember where I heard it and I'd rather not really! Yes alcohol is dangerous for sure. But I also have formed this weird paranoia that everything I say is recorded and will be used against me in the future. I don't even know how that situation would come about!.

[Kirk]

In my lifetime, I have said things that I regret and I did not even drink anything, so it goes to show you we all make mistakes. The key is to try to keep such
mistakes to a minimum.

[gypsylee]

Hey and welcome :)

This to me translates as someone who has been traumatised by political correctness! I bet you are the least racist person in the world. Go watch some movies like Django Unchained. I'm not even joking - compared to what happened to the African slaves, a drunk joke is literally nothing.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Nervousness2016]

I just wish I could stop this obsession with thinking that somehow everything stupid I have ever said has been recorded and is going to be used against me! It's so paranoid. Why would that even happen? And how?!

I think it might be just that I wish I hadn't said some things and my mind goes to the extreme.

[Nowuccas]

Hey Nervousness2016,

The following is what I have that may possibly help:

Try the Technique for Reprogramming Negative Thoughts: It's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind.

After identifying and labelling it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version.

Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method. I'm aware of the opinion that inflicting pain doesn't prevent fear, but the intention is to reprogram, and establish a different way of thinking, by commitment to repetition. It usually takes around 25 to 40 repetitions to establish a new habit.

Try replacing a negative thought with a positive affirmation of your choice, like: "I am a unique individual, with my own set of skills, and good points", or "I may not be perfect, but I'm doing the best I can, right now".

Using the above, with determination and persistence, negative thoughts will reduce in frequency, but will always recur from time to time, which is normal, and healthy.

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My previous post about paranoid thoughts may be viewed at: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34250-I-always-feel-like-I-m-being-judged

REGRETS: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34900-Still-regretting-letting-people-get-away-with-things&p=228409#post228409

GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33964-New-to-the-site-and-looking-for-help&p=223989#post223989