hello

[robuddy]

Good evening,

I'm a single gay male in his thirties who is suffering from deep depression and anxiety attacks along with other factors.

The issues stem from early child hood abuse and leading up to being outed/bullied in high school. I was also stuck with a heart issue that set me back in my early 20's mentally and physically for a few years. From there on I met who at the time was someone who I though I was in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, but it turned out to be nothing more then a 5 year abusive relationship mentally and physically. Finally I took the plunge and filed for divorce and had to move back to my home town. Just two months after relocating back, I was a victim to a vicious dog attack that resulted in the police shooting one of the dogs on sight in front of my very eyes.

All these events have turned me into almost a complete shut in.

I am currently seeking treatment with a CBT counselor and honestly it's a struggle for me to go twice a week to deal with my problems. My doctor has diagnosed me with "Dependent Personality Disorder" and I'm sure a lot more, but he's with holding information because I tend to over diagnose my problem and it becomes a clutch for me.

All of these issues have boiled down to me living off my divorce settlement and staying at home almost 24/7 for the past 9 months. I get panic attacks when I'm out in public to the point where something as simple as grocery shopping is a complete struggle for me.

I'm VERY lonely in a sense where I don't have a lot of friends and the very few people who are close to me do not understand and basically tell me to snap out of it. I try to go out and meet people like at the local gay bar, but my problems are so severe that even yesterday during a non busy lunch period...I was choked up and holding by the tears that I had and was almost itching to get out of my own skin when just the waiter asked what I would like to order.

I'm coming on this site in hopes to meet other people who understand and have maybe the same struggles as I do. Also I am not afraid to give advice to anyone else in need.

-B

[Nowuccas]

Hey robuddy,

Welcome to the forum.

I suggest that you view my previous post about childhood abuse at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?35118-Hey&p=229821#post229821 (includes links to my posts on depression and anxiety) and although I'm not usually in favour of changing horses midstream, I believe that you may benefit considerably more at present from a course of EMDR therapy. View http://www.womenspsychotherapy.com/EMDR.html about it. You could resume cognitive behavioural therapy later, as it offers multiple useful techniques and approaches.

It's impossible for me to know whether you are suffering from PTSD (an anxiety spectrum disorder) as a result of your traumatic experience, but if the following* strikes a chord, take the quiz at http://psychcentral.com

If indicated, read my previous post on PTSD at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34480-My-Near-Death-Experience-and-Post-Traumatic-Stress-(panic-anxiety)&p=226428#post226428

* "The signature cluster of symptoms for PTS is the "re-experiencing" that takes the form of spontaneous repetitive flashbacks, nightmares and/or intrusive thoughts. These are not coming from the part of the brain where normal memories are stored, but are stuck in a more primitive, survival-based section of the brain, where they neither fade nor shift, but stay contemporaneous and current and terrifying. And you can't talk your way out of them with the best counselor or therapist in the world. Wrong chunk o' brain. You need imagery, hypnosis, acupoint release, energy work, etc etc. The other 2 symptom clusters of PTS - avoidance/numbness and alarm/ hypervigilance - can be symptoms of other conditions as well. But this is not so with re-experiencing."

EMDR operates using the known neuroplasticity of the mind, and can be applied to abuse or other forms of trauma.

[Aloha808]

Oh Robuddy my heart aches for you!

I am currently experiencing similar fears and anxiety, half of what you wrote could have been written by me. I have recently been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression, so I get it I get it completely! Over the last 7 months I have been exploring and researching ways to overcome this (as well as seeing a phycologist regularly).

The first thing I've found that helps is having people love you exactly where you are right now. I didn't tell my family for a long time, or my husband either the extent of the things I was going through because I didn't want to become a burden or I was worried people would see me as weak. But then I started thinking I would rather be dead just so I could get some relief and that scared me so I finally got the courage up to tell my husband the extent of the struggles. Then we told some of our close family members and friends. This was my first step to getting the help I needed, was admitting to those I loved that I needed help. Having people genuinely love and support you through this time will make a big difference. Unfortunately not everyone has that but there are a lot of support groups online etc (like this one) that can offer something close.

Secondly I had to set myself some goals to achieve like taking a shower or walking to the letter box every day. Things that pushed my comfort level but didn't tip me over the edge. I get not wanting to go out in public or leave the house, so maybe going to a restaurant where there's other people dining is too much of a big ask for you right now. Maybe going out to your letterbox is all you can do right now, maybe even that seems like too much. Start where ever you need to start, start with what you believe you can do even if it feels uncomfortable and then just keep doing it. Eventually you'll be able to increase your goals.

Lastly cut yourself some slack, you've been through a lot, you're going through a lot and it's ok to not be ok. There isn't anything wrong with you, you aren't going crazy you're just struggling through some stuff and that's ok! Sometimes you have to be intentional about telling yourself some truths whether you feel they are true or not.

I hope this has been helpful and encouraging to you! I'm always around for a chat if you need!

[Anne1221]

Good for you for actively seeking out a therapist and getting help. That's a great first step. I know it is so hard but well worth it because you're not in it alone. I like the above advice of small steps one by one. Those small steps can build into bigger steps.
You are cared about by people in this community so don't feel alone, and I am very sorry for all you have been through in life.

[Talia_Jo]

Welcome! I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I understand the feelings of loneliness and isolation all too well. I have spent the past year or so completely isolated and in a very unhealthy situation. I'm in a much better place now and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a good listener and like to help people, feel free to message anytime.