Paralysis and feeling stuck/missing out

[Picasso99]

Hi All

I hope some of you can relate to what I am about to say and offer some advice?

In a nutshell, I'm 29 yr old female, recently broken up with my bf of 4 years (which was v emotionally draining) and have moved back in with my parents due to the obscene British housing market. Am cut off from all my friends and have just left a really bad job (which was attributing to my anxiety/depression - no longevity/boss was a bully and the set up was horrendous - it was the right decision). I now feel empty, numb and lost in life having poured my heart and soul into the relationship (not only for love but due to his dad passing away and he became ill coping with the grief). I guess its grieving and heart break.

For the past 8 months I have been trying to change everything for the better knowing I was not happy in my relationship despite the hard times, work, location and lack of social life. I took a bold and brave move to change things to find some true happiness within myself as I was so unhappy, which was I think the right thing to do.

In the midst of this transition I applied to become a teacher and got offered a place for a PGCE at Cambridge. Whilst this would open many doors for me and get my self esteem back up, I am really not sure if its what I want to do (and if I can survive on the starting salary at my age on my own). I applied as my current role was dead end and I felt like I wanted a "proper" job and have always regretted I didn't train as something. Essentially I've got a lot to give but not sure if I can cope with the demands given how I'm feeling right now and even if I want to be a teacher. I just don't feel good enough. My self esteem has taken a huge knock from the breakdown of the relationship and it got ground down by my former boss.

The other stupid thing to consider is even looking at kids these days and all the potential/routes they can take for a prosperous future, I feel I've messed my life up and and jealous of them - how pathetic is that!

I have driven myself crazy for about 6 months trying to work out if I take it (and stay in Cambridge) or move to London and pursue a role in a tech company. I always wanted to move to London or a city and didn't back when all my friends did after graduating due to various reasons, but now I feel like its my chance and to be with my friends and build further relationships.

I'm also concerned about my financial security, future, family, relationship, life....feeling hopeless and like I have no purpose and that I'm becoming a burden on everyone. I'm eating well, meditating and trying to exercise when I can, but the anxiety is so paralysing I can't even book a holiday (which I desperately need a break from all the stress)> The loneliness is crippling too. I used to be so social and happy go lucky and now feel like a shell I just can't fill up. I'm trying to be social, get out and meet people but I just feel such a failure inside that I'm not attracting the right company and seem pathetic. Struggling also with everyone I know in relationships, getting married, buying houses, starting families etc - I have naturally always gone against the grain and know things happen at the right time for you personally, but I'm starting to feel like these things will never be in my lifetime.

I feel like I've got a barrier in the way. A mental block. I just can't seem to do things but deep down feel intense frustration - it's like I'm fighting with myself, screaming to get out of my body but I'm trapped. I'm highly detached from reality too and feel like I'm in a dream the whole time. Does that strike a chord with anyone?

Thanks and apologies for the lengthy message.
x

[Nowuccas]

Hey Picasso99,

My previous post about self esteem follows:

I have recently become aware of the opinion that, just as it is important to build a house on a solid foundation, so it is with self esteem. Learn to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and failures, or inadequacies. Accept that you, too are just a human being, with the frailties, insecurities, and tendency to err, occasionally, that the rest of us have. That is the beginning of self love, self acceptance, and self esteem.

Regularly monitor your internal monologue (self talk): write down the negative ones: "I'm really ugly" and then the converse: "I'm fairly good looking", and next time you become aware that you are thinking the former, visualise, as vividly as possible, a big "STOP!!!" sign, and/or a stern faced person wagging a finger at you, and deliberately repeat 5 times, either aloud, in a big voice, if alone, or subvocally (to yourself, in your mind), the converse affirmation. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary.

Volunteer, even from home, at first, to provide a solid basis in reality for the daily affirmations: "I am a good person, who is valued by my community, because I... (insert activity here).." Google: "volunteer from home" Edit one page of an Ebook daily, at: http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page "Did you know that you can help us produce ebooks by proof-reading just one page a day?" Go to: Distributed Proofreaders see: http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Category:Volunteering Write letters in support of prisoners of conscience, for Amnesty International. Many innocent people, whose only reason for incarceration was that they were a thorn in the side of a repressive government, have had their release secured as a result of a flood of letters, from all over the world. Also see http://www.supportpath.com/ and http://www.neoteen.org ELSEWHERE: Help for 2 hours per fortnight, at Meals on Wheels. Other suggestions are: As a literacy volunteer, animal shelter, Red cross/crescent, soup kitchen, Greenpeace, nursing home/hospital, Habitat for Humanity, United Way, or as a Big Sister, or Big Brother. Make a list of all your good points, strengths, and achievements. Put it somewhere so you can easily refer to it, from time to time; perhaps on the refrigerator door, or print it; (large typeface, or capitalise) have it framed, and place in your bedroom, or in a position of prominence, such as on the television, or lounge room wall.

See http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogS...Main-Page#1396

Recommended reading: The Self-Esteem Guided Journal: A Ten Week Program (New Harbinger Guided Journal) by Matthew McKay and Catharine Sutker, & Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel & Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning & Happy to Be Me!: A Kid Book about Self-Esteem, by Christine Adams, Robert J. Butch, and R. W. Alley, from your bookstore, or Amazon.com.

85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or quicker, cheaper, and more conveniently: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com Self Esteem Booster, & Stop Negative Thinking, or from: http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com Self-esteem, & http://www.instant-hypnosis.com has Self-Esteem Booster.

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Something you can try is to ask for an answer in your dreams to harness the power of your subconscious mind. Write down your question at least 3 times on a scrap of paper, just before bedtime, and read it aloud to yourself also at least 3 times, in bed, just before lights out, and summon all the desire for the answer that you are able to muster, to better convey the message to your subconscious.

If it is to work, it should produce results in around 2 weeks, but some people are unable to remember dreams, in which case there are methods of overcoming the problem. Set an alarm for 90 minutes of sleep, and if successful, write it down immediately. If not, on the next night, make it 120 mns, and so on, increasing in increments of 30 mns until waking from a dream. Then you will know the best time to set the alarm for.

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind; view http://myfavoriteinterests.com/hypnosis/ about what it is, and isn't. 85% of people are suggestible to some degree; 15% - 20% highly so, and 15% - 20% aren't much at all, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, http://www.hypnotictapes.com/ has: DREAM THE ANSWER.

"This title allows you to effortlessly, accurately and insightfully find answers to questions using the power of your subconscious mind."

Hopefully one or other of the above will provide the answer you seek, then you could make a plan, broken down into readily achieved stages, and begin to implement it.

[Nowuccas]

"I feel like I've got a barrier in the way. A mental block. I just can't seem to do things but deep down feel intense frustration - it's like I'm fighting with myself, screaming to get out of my body but I'm trapped. I'm highly detached from reality too and feel like I'm in a dream the whole time. Does that strike a chord with anyone?" -

Another forum member provided the following useful information:

Common Anxiety Symptoms AnxietyCentre.com

Here are some of the many symptoms associated with anxiety disorder (because each person has a unique chemical make up, the symptoms and their intensity will vary from person to person).

The Member's area of this website contains explanations on what causes many of these symptoms and why they occur:
Body

Mind

* Desensitization, depersonalization
* Fear of going crazy
* Fear of losing control
* Fear of impending doom
* Feelings of unreality
* Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
* Having difficulty concentrating
* Obsession about sensations or getting better
* Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

Mood

* Always feeling angry and lack of patience
* Depression
* Feeling down in the dumps
* Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
* Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
* Frequently feel like crying for no apparent reason
* Have no feelings about things you used to
* Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
* You feel like you are under pressure all the time

Other symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.

In addition to these symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Harming yourself or someone you love uncontrollably
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out or yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone

(NOTE: Each symptom is further described and explained in the Symptoms Demystifed section in the members area.)

These are some of the more common symptoms, but this list is certainly not exhaustive.

It is common for people to experience one or more of these symptoms. While some may experience them all others may experience only a few anxiety symptoms.

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I can't be sure if it applies in your case, but my post on DEPERSONALISATION / DEREALIZATION: at http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?34597-Here-we-go-again-chronic-hyperventilating-feeling-hopeless-and-helpless

contains therapeutic techniques well worth trying.

Learn, and employ either Progressive Muscle Relaxation ( http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html ) or acupressure tapping / EFT, whichever you find most effective.

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via mercola.com or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".
Professionally instructed is generally preferable (Google: therapists; EFT; [your location] or mercola.com has a locator). - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I have anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself)." or words of your own choosing.

Once proficient in the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT, you could try employing it by tapping your thighs as you walk, stand or sit, subvocalising using your chosen wording.

Meditation is fine, but adding the other 2 techniques allows for greater flexibility in situations likely to be encountered outside the home.

My previous post about anxiety may be viewed at: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?33964-New-to-the-site-and-looking-for-help&p=223989#post223989

[Anne1221]

Decide which path would allow you to feel like you are accomplishing something and moving forward in your life and no matter how hard it is, start doing it. As you follow a new path towards the future, your feelings of being a failure will subside. Accomplishing things in your life builds more self confidence even though it is so hard to get started.

[Picasso99]

Thank you Anne 1221. I completely agree with you, its the inability to make the decision.Either option would allow me to feel more accomplished, whether it be through personal development in a better role or through gaining a qualification. I need to listen to my heart, but at the moment this feels broken - the grief from my relationship breakdown/upheaval of this year has left me empty and depressed and completely panicked about facing the next step on my own. However I know noone can save me and I have to figure this out myself, which in turn will make me more resilient and stronger in the long run. I need to learn to become my own best friend and the universe will follow.

[Picasso99]

Thank you Nowuccas, I completely agree and am already aware of the symptoms etc, but I will certainly try some further techniques. I almost feel like meditation and yoga is leaving me to flat and I need something to shake me up and get my spark back. Its the lack of spark/life in me that I'm trying to get back - my heart I guess. The grief from the breakdown of the relationship is not something I quite expected, but will only make me stronger in the long run.

[Picasso99]

[QUOTE=Nowuccas;230336]Hey Picasso99,

My previous post about self esteem follows:

I have recently become aware of the opinion that, just as it is important to build a house on a solid foundation, so it is with self esteem. Learn to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and failures, or inadequacies. Accept that you, too are just a human being, with the frailties, insecurities, and tendency to err, occasionally, that the rest of us have. That is the beginning of self love, self acceptance, and self esteem.

I couldn't agree more - that has been my argument all along. Its the underlying issues that need to be addressed, then once I'm more content in myself - it's the law of attraction, I definitely agree with that. Looking back at past relationships I can see I've attracted the wrong sort of guy as I was seeking reassurance from them rather from within, and therefore attracted emotionally unavailable people etc. I do need to stop being so hard on myself, but the urgency to have this sorted (I have to decide in the next 3 weeks regarding my teaching place) is clouding my mind and judgement. I want to make a decision now so I can begin to think in line with that decision and move forward. I had made a plan and broken it down into stages as you suggest but it hasn't ever sat right with me, hence my confusion and concern it is not the right option.

[Malone]

Hi Picasso99, hope things are going well for you. Did you go for London's bright lights?