FEAR & ANXIETY IN NORTH JERSEY II - THINK I'M LOSING IT

[Punk Rock Steve]

Hi everyone...this is gonna be a long one...I'm sorry, but I just really need to talk. Been a little while since I posted on here, but I've been SO wrapped up in my two months in HELL, that I've just been able to only get myself to read things on here...My chronic anxiety/panic/stress that I have had for decades has reached new levels and been manifesting itself in new physical symptoms that are making me totally f*#king crazy!!!!! On August 7th, the day before I was going to Philadelphia and Atlantic City to play some shows with my band, I had a high stress meltdown at work. Just totally lost it...Played the shows over the weekend and I was good (I usually am when playing music), then on Sunday, when I came back home, the crap hit the fan and my digestive system went berserk for 2 weeks...the hypochondriac/OCD part of me had me believing I had cancer of SOMETHING...so, I worried....a lot Took care of myself and that finally goes away after 2 weeks, THEN I immediately starting getting heart palpitations that felt like someone was strumming a harp inside of me....THAT lasted for 2 weeks or so and then, just when I thought this flare-up was over...WHAMMO! It hits me in the back where I have had some legitament issues over the years...MASSIVE back spasms and a radiating ache that goes all over parts of my upper body. It's so bad that I thought to myself that this must be what natural child birth feels like...except through my back :) Have had these attacks on and off on a daily basis ever since...have been going to the chiropractor, am now seeing a therapist, still taking the 1 MG of Xanax a day that I take (try not to take more as I have been a sober alcoholic for almost 8 years and don't need to battle another addiction), and putting a lot of heat on my mid-back and shoulders....this really SUCKS. I KNOW that while I do get a sore back anyway, that most of this pain has been caused by stress, anxiety, and tension that my whacked out mind is conjuring up. Almost couldn't make it up the parking lot and up the stairs to work a number of times, which caused me to almost turn around and go home...I am NOT going to go there, so I pushed myself to do it. When I'm about to do things that I don't want to do is when it seems to happen more. I do get periods of time where I'm fine and the Xanax relaxes my back and shoulder muscles. At the suggestion of my therapist, I am finally attempting to meditate, and while it's not easy because I friggin' worry 24/7, I am starting to have some success :) Working on my nutrition too. Now today, on the weekend, I have only had discomfort in my back that was managable, but instead I had my breathing issues back (have always had that until the back spasms were born-then it stopped for a few weeks), plus weak legs and wobbly knees...I have had NOTHING to be stressed out about for most of the day. My wife and I had a friend over for an hour today and I felt a lot better...distraction...my brain wasn't filled with obsessive worry. The same thing happened when I was recording with my band on Thursday night...I felt almost normal...or as normal as I probably could be after having anxiety for most of my 55 years on this planet :) I just keep trying to help myself and pray that this severe flare-up I'm having will pass soon....Maybe I'm helping someone by letting this all out...I just had to share this latest episode...Thanks for listening!

[northstar]

hi steve jeeze it sounds like you've been through a lot in the last while! from what you describe of the heart palpitations and digestive system problems it sounds like sorting out our diet will really help so i'm glad that you're working on it. you might like to read an article i posted up recently that gives some advice on how to keep your blood sugars level and happy, low blood sugar can be a major cause of anxiety: http://www.anxietyforum.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3750

i would also suggest since you've been so stressed out that you start taking some vitamin b daily, it'll help soothe your nervous system. if you don't already then i suggest that you stay away from irritants like sodas, sugar, caffeine, alchohol and smoking as all of these will irritate anxiety.

it's fantastic that you're going to see a therapist! i hope you make a good connection with them and they can really help you. it sounds like you're doing everything you can to get through this, good work it's not easy! and even better to hear that you are starting to have some success :D long may that continue!

[Punk Rock Steve]

Thanks SO much for the link to your post about blood sugar. I'm still absorbing it and I know that it will help me for sure. Have read many of your other posts and I consider you a saint on these boards :) I've been on a real roller coaster ride since I wrote this post. I've had a few days where I actually felt normal for about 90 % of the time, I stayed positive (amazing for a negative person like me) and thought I was coming out of this severe anxiety flare-up I've had for the past 2 months or so...then came today and I've been a non-stop worry machine (about my health, of course), had my back spasms pretty bad early in the day, and then I allowed myself to be off to the races. Had myself thinking I had all kinds of cancers etc. this afternoon....ENOUGH!! I'm going to try to make the rest of the day a good one...I have an A.A. meeting tonight, which is ALWAYS good for me...can't wait to be there and focus on other things than the crappy way I feel right now. I have started to take a B-complex and magnesium, saw my therapist on Monday, and went to a one time stress management/meditation class at a local school last night. It was helpful for sure, but the hardest part is stopping my obsessive worrying enough to practice what I'm learning. I have to go all out and do this NO MATTER WHAT! Thanks again!

[northstar]

not to worry steve, recovering from anxiety is not a straightforward process. for every 2 good days you may have 1 bad one, but that's ok. each good day is progress. really it's not easy and it takes hard work, but the great thing is that you have such a fantastic attitude about it. you sound just like me when i had it bad, determined to get through it and stronger than you think, i have no doubt you'll be ok.

when you're just getting better any little thing can spark you off, or so i discovered. as you get used to feeling ok again and really start to feel better you'll have less and less bad days and it will take more to make you feel bad. at the beginning i was very emotional, i cried a lot and any little worry would make my heart beat hard. but slowly that has faded away, i'll admit i don't handle stress all that well just yet but i'm slowly getting better and situations that used to stress me out don't make me feel so bad anymore and it's all a process. i think it's called the stress response, it's a reaction in our bodies to stressfull situations. if you're used to feeling anxious & panicky under duress then any amount of stress will trigger those feelings. i'll have to look more into that actually, i'm sure that information will be helpful for quite a lot of people here.

about the irrational worries, again that takes time. i thought i'd never be able to stop being like that but you wouldn't believe the types of worries i've let go of recently when a year ago they would have totally freaked me out! it took a while in therapy for that to happen, but it worked. if you're smart and determined and have a positive attitude, all of which you seem to be, then i'm sure it will work :) i really hope your upward spiral continues, allow yourself to have those bad days, you're still making progress, doing all the right things & really taking care of yourself and that's what counts. facing your fears and doing something about them is one of the bravest things we can do in our lives, be proud of yourself and keep going :)