Still regretting letting people get away with things.

[Cablecar30]

Hi,

I worry a lot and am always regretting how I have acted in certain situations, like letting people get away with actions/remarks. It's usually the classic case of thinking of a good comeback a long time after the situation has passed. There's a certain case of this which I still brood on from time to time.

At a party last summer where I was celebrating the end of uni with other students, a guy made a joke about me being 'socially awkward'. I'd call him a half-acquaintance. My friends who were around were a bit shocked at what he said, I just sort of laughed it off and ignored it. I think I may have sarcastically said 'thanks'. When I was in bed that night, I was wallowing in regret that I didn't say anything back to him, I was suddenly able to think of loads of great comebacks, for example he was at uni in his home town, in a very cosy clique, he also feels he has to put on a camp diva act, at least I act myself etc etc. (I'm gay myself, but not flamboyant). I was thinking of sending him a message to retaliate to what he'd said, but thought that if I couldn't do it to his face, I shouldn't do it behind a screen. There was a chance that I could've seen him again, but in the end I didn't. I was planning to say something if I'd seen him. More days passed and I forgot about it/let it go. A few weeks later, I started brooding about it again, and was thinking of sending him messages again, but didn't. Nowadays, it comes to mind every now and then, but I don't dwell on it. However, I started thinking about it again today, and was thinking I should just message him. I feel it's the only way to get closure from it. I know it seems ridiculous to be replying a year on, but I'm thinking what the hell, why not. It's unlikely I'd see him again. My friends did say he was quite bitchy in general, even to them, so perhaps I'm taking it too seriously. What does everyone think? Thanks,

I was wondering if anyone had any coping strategies for brooding and regret. It consumes a lot of my thinking and I feel like my mind is a prison most of the time. Thanks

[Nowuccas]

Hey Cablecar30,

Limit "worrying time" to 30 - 45 mns, daily, possibly when you get home, or after your evening meal, but not too close to bedtime, after which, resolve firmly to refuse to worry again on that day. Understand that to do otherwise would be counterproductive to your mental health, and enjoyment of life. Having had your "worry time" for the day, you can just write down any more thoughts that come to mind, and say to yourself: "Well, I'll just have to worry about that tomorrow, won't I?". It's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind. After identifying, and labelling it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.

I'm aware of the opinion that inflicting pain doesn't prevent fear, but the intention is to reprogram, and establish a different way of thinking, by commitment to repetition. It usually takes around 25 to 40 repetitions to establish a new habit.

Try replacing a negative thought with a positive affirmation of your choice, like: "I am a unique individual, with my own set of skills, and good points", or "I may not be perfect, but I'm doing the best I can, right now".

Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm
or www.wikihow.com/Meditate and/or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga.

Give the Meridian Tapping Technique / EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via mercola.com or www.tapping.com (13 free videos), or www.eftuniverse.com or www.emofree.com or one of the many YouTube videos. Google: "YouTube; EFT videos".
Professionally instructed is generally preferable (Google: therapists; EFT; [your location] or mercola.com has a locator). - There is a version for use in public places at http://eft.mercola.com (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage / tapping on your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I have anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself).".


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WORRYING:

From http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/mind/worrying-doesnt-solve-your-problems-it-is-the-problem/news-story/3d08078c2d45c669695d6b4821a8fab3

DO YOU worry too much? Do you find yourself worrying excessively about your health, your finances, your job security, what people think of you, or if you will be able to get to sleep?
Worrying excessively can lead to a host of physical and mental problems such as hypochondria, muscle tension, chronic indigestion, poor sleep, irrational fears, panic, self-consciousness, stage fright, compulsive behaviours, and perfectionism.
You may think that worrying will help you avoid bad things from happening, lessen the impact of bad things, or help you come up with solutions. But worrying is actually the problem, not the solution.
The following strategies have been found to help worriers break the cycle and eliminate unhelpful thoughts.

1. SET ASIDE A WORRY PERIOD
Rather than be held hostage to disruptive worrying thoughts throughout the day give yourself permission to postpone worrying until later.
During the day (or night) jot down any worries or anxious thoughts that arise and then at a prearranged time, preferably when you’re in a good mood as this will promote realistic and creative problem-solving thinking, sit down for 15 minutes and address each worry.
By the time you return to thinking about the worry you’ll probably discover that it’s not such a problem after all.
Setting aside a worry period allows you to think things through clearly.
Setting aside a worry period allows you to think things through clearly.Source:istock

2. DETERMINE IF THE WORRY IS SOLVABLE
A solvable worry is one that you can take action on right away. For example, you may be worried about the content of a presentation you have to give next week to a manager. However, by phoning the manager you can take immediate action to clarify the details of the presentation.
An unsolvable worry is one over which you have no control and there is nothing you can do now that will lead to a solution. For example, thinking “What if I don’t get to sleep?” or “What if I get cancer?”
To help distinguish whether your worry is solvable or unsolvable ask the following questions:
• Is the problem my problem? If not, don’t worry about it.
• Do I have control over the problem? If not, don’t worry about it.
• Does the problem need solving now? If it does, take action to solve it. If not, don’t worry about it.

3. IF THE WORRY IS SOLVABLE, WORK ON A SOLUTION
Once you determine that a worry is solvable brainstorm as many possible solutions you can think of. Make sure you stay focused on the things you can change and not on circumstances or other people which you can’t change.
Aim at finding a realistic and achievable solution and avoid looking for a perfect solution. After you have evaluated all of your options choose the most reasonable one and then make a plan of action.

4. IF THE WORRY IS UNSOLVABLE, MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Sometimes you can’t solve a problem because either it’s not your problem (you are worried about your daughter’s failing marriage), it’s uncontrollable (you are worried whether it will rain during the picnic), or it can’t be resolved right away (you are worried about your factory closing in two years’ time).
When this happens focus on managing your own emotions using the following techniques:
• Mindfulness: Because worrying is usually focused on what might happen in the future mindfulness keeps your attention in the present and thus worry-free.
• Social support: Talking to friends about your worry can help as long as you don’t get stuck in shuffle mode where you replay over and over again your problem.
• Exercise: This is one of the best ways I know of for burning off pent-up anxious feelings and for gaining perspective about a worry.
• Relax: Because worriers tend to be in a constant state of tension, it is important that you regularly try to relax using music, meditation, time outdoors, or leisure activities.

5. EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY TO REDUCE WORRYING
Chronic worriers have trouble tolerating uncertainty or unpredictability. “What will I do if I don’t get the promotion?” or “What if my blind date doesn’t like me?” However, thinking about all the things that could go wrong in your life won’t keep bad things or unexpected events from occurring.
The solution is to accept that uncertainty is a part of life and then choose to focus on the parts that you can control and put all of your energies into making the most of them and appreciating them.

6. CHALLENGE WORRYING THOUGHTS
Chronic worriers tend to have two types of thoughts. First, they over-estimate the possibility that bad things will happen, and second, they underestimate their own ability at handling these things. These thoughts aren’t based on reality or fact and are totally irrational.
You can break these bad thinking habits and develop a more balanced and healthier perspective of your worries by asking the following questions:
• What is the evidence that the worrying thought is true?
• What is the probability that my worry will actually happen?
• When have I successfully handled problems like this before?
• Am I focusing on solutions to my worries?
• Is the way I am thinking helping me or making me feel better?
• What encouraging words would I say to a friend who had this worry?

[gadguy]

Hi,

I worry a lot and am always regretting how I have acted in certain situations, like letting people get away with actions/remarks. It's usually the classic case of thinking of a good comeback a long time after the situation has passed. There's a certain case of this which I still brood on from time to time.

At a party last summer where I was celebrating the end of uni with other students, a guy made a joke about me being 'socially awkward'. I'd call him a half-acquaintance. My friends who were around were a bit shocked at what he said, I just sort of laughed it off and ignored it. I think I may have sarcastically said 'thanks'. When I was in bed that night, I was wallowing in regret that I didn't say anything back to him, I was suddenly able to think of loads of great comebacks, for example he was at uni in his home town, in a very cosy clique, he also feels he has to put on a camp diva act, at least I act myself etc etc. (I'm gay myself, but not flamboyant). I was thinking of sending him a message to retaliate to what he'd said, but thought that if I couldn't do it to his face, I shouldn't do it behind a screen. There was a chance that I could've seen him again, but in the end I didn't. I was planning to say something if I'd seen him. More days passed and I forgot about it/let it go. A few weeks later, I started brooding about it again, and was thinking of sending him messages again, but didn't. Nowadays, it comes to mind every now and then, but I don't dwell on it. However, I started thinking about it again today, and was thinking I should just message him. I feel it's the only way to get closure from it. I know it seems ridiculous to be replying a year on, but I'm thinking what the hell, why not. It's unlikely I'd see him again. My friends did say he was quite bitchy in general, even to them, so perhaps I'm taking it too seriously. What does everyone think? Thanks,

I was wondering if anyone had any coping strategies for brooding and regret. It consumes a lot of my thinking and I feel like my mind is a prison most of the time. Thanks

Cable your mind is a prison, you are torturing yourself over an incident that happened a year ago, let it go. Seriously I am not being critical, because I do the same thing and have to forcefully make myself stop dwelling on things that happened years ago. I still to this day kick myself for a pair of shoes I bought 20+ years ago, when money gets a little tight these days...Silly right?!

Let it go and move on...life is to short to live in the past.

[Nowuccas]

REGRETS
"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing" - John Powell. We are all only human, and therefore fallible; we sometimes fail; we make mistakes, and do, or omit to do things we later regret, but the best idea is to learn from them, and resolve firmly not to repeat that mistake, then forgive ourself, and move on with life, and not get caught up in the "should have's", "ought to's" and "if only's", etc.

Live in the present, and occasionally the longer term future, rather than the past of guilt, and regret. Negative thoughts often precede negative emotional states. It's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind.

After identifying and labelling it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version.

Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.

I'm aware of the opinion that inflicting pain doesn't prevent fear, but the intention is to reprogram, and establish a different way of thinking, by commitment to repetition. It usually takes around 25 to 40 repetitions to establish a new habit.

View http://www.wikihow.com/Special:GoogSearch?cx=008953293426798287586%3Amr-gwotjmbs&cof=FORID%3A10&ie=UTF-8&q=regrets

Books: If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity by Neal J. Roese, &
Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind by Hamilton Beazley, &
Getting Past Your Past: Finding Freedom from the Pain of Regret by Susan Wilkinson,

Escaping Toxic Guilt: Five Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good! by Susan Carrell, &
Good-Bye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness by Gerald G. Jampolsky, &
31 Words to Create a Guilt-Free Life: Finding the Freedom to be Your Most Powerful Self - A Simple Guide to Self-Care, Balance, and Joy (39 Power Words) by Karen Bouris, &
Shame & Guilt by Ernest Kurtz,
from your bookstore, or Amazon.com

Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either preferably seek professional hypnotherapy, or, if not an option, hypnosisdownloads.com has ones about forgiveness, overcoming feelings of guilt, and having no regrets.
John Wayne's tombstone: "Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." View: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100222215823AAY33jh+ for quotes on regrets.

[The Intolerable Kid]

It sucks not to have a comeback when you're on the spot. Some of the advice above is very good, but it is still tough letting go of slights. Try and look at those remarks as just that - slights. The best you can do when you do come up with a good response is file it away - stupid people are often repetitive. Odds are someone who is making lame cracks like that will do it again in time.

[Anne1221]

I think it's best to try to let it go. And here's why: Normally, I would say, "Just message him and make it funny/light. Say something like, "Remember when you said I was socially awkward? Well, today you would have been surprised to see me _______(fill in the blank).
However, I say to let it go because what could happen is he could come back with something equally insensitive, and then you'd be brooding over that. I have problems with this too, so let it end now before you have something new from him to brood over. Get some new interests and focus on that. And double up your exercise, whatever you are doing now.

[Zena]

Yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I still think about things people said years back and I want to kick myself for letting smart remarks slide/not saying something back to defend myself. I've let people get away with too much. I tend to freeze up when put on the spot/embarrassed. Not very good at thinking on my feet. Now that I've had a lot of time to ruminate over stuff, there are so many comebacks I have thought of that would've rendered them speechless...I'm talkin' razor-sharp. That said, I do think letting it go would be more beneficial to you than holding on to it. Try not to let it take up too much space in your mind or too much time in your day. Like you said, odds are you're not going to run into dude again, so why mentally take him with you into your future? Sounds like he may have a general attitude problem anyway and if so, that's on him. Also, not everything that calls for your energy is necessarily deserving of it, ya know what I mean? You are not alone. Hope this helps.

[foreman]

When someone atack you with a negative reaction you must act and atck also and not to keep in you because this will make you bad and you will let the fury inside in you .You must to release it