Is it anxiety causing me to have major doubts about my relationship?

[twitters]

Hello all. I am new to the forum but I am going to dive right in.
I have been with a wonderful man for 2 years. I have some previous issues with dating and this is the longest I have ever been with a man. (I am 35, he's 39) I usually talk myself out of dating most men. My brain tried to do that from time to time over the last two years but with him I always pushed through because he feels like home. However as we move closer and closer towards marriage (which is what I wanted from the beginning), but now that he is sure and ready to move forward I am having intense feeling of fear and questioning whether he is the one and 'is something missing' from our relationship. That being said, I have been up and down with meds and ALL over the place with my anxiety and depression, which make it obviously worse. But I'm trying to figure out whether it is my anxiety causing me to tear him apart and feel weird towards him or a gut feeling. UGHHHHHHHHH! I CANNOT imagine my life without him. My brother knows me well and says I am self sabotaging as I have done in the past. Looking for anyone who has ever experienced anything like this and maybe come through to the other side. Any info is appreciated. He is an incredible, loving, supportive man with just one actual fatal flaw, which is his heavy smoking. He has desires to quit but not at this point. I socially smoke so it bothers me less than if I were total nonsmoker. He's worth the frustration of that issue. But if my body is telling me he is wrong for me, then that is a problem. However if it is my anxiety freaking out that is another issue.

[Kirk]

Welcome to the forum. I would go for it as I think your anxiety is what is causing you to have doubts, not him.

[Bill Byrne]

IT is your anxiety Twitters.
I am going through exactly the same thing.
I am married with a two year old son.
My anxiety is telling me I need space and making me unable to connect with my wife.
I am hiding my anxiety from her because she can't handle it.
She has issues too.
She thinks everything is fine. It is not. In about a week her world will collapse when I tell her I want time apart.
It breaks my heart - but I feel I have no other option.
So Twitters - it is not him. It is your anxiety. If you can stay with him - do.

[verDominai]

Probably. Sounds like the same kind of doubts my anxiety usually brings. The fear of making a decision and then later regretting it.

[foreman]

Yes anxiety but it can be also an indecision on you and this make you confuse and agravate your anxiety

[twitters]

Thank you for all of your time and responses! It's nice to have people that throughly understand how intrusive anxiety can be. I'm feeling better and hoping I can get to the other side.

[twitters]

IT is your anxiety Twitters.
I am going through exactly the same thing.
I am married with a two year old son.
My anxiety is telling me I need space and making me unable to connect with my wife.
I am hiding my anxiety from her because she can't handle it.
She has issues too.
She thinks everything is fine. It is not. In about a week her world will collapse when I tell her I want time apart.
It breaks my heart - but I feel I have no other option.
So Twitters - it is not him. It is your anxiety. If you can stay with him - do.
I'm so sorry! Is there anyone you can talk to etc before you make a final decision to take space? Have you had to do this before?

[Anne1221]

For your next post here, can you write us all of the reasons to NOT move forward in a relationship with him? As you write and tell us, you will be sorting things out for yourself and helping us help you. Then tell us your reasons why you should move forward. Why do you think he doesn't want to even try to cut back on smoking? Are you anxious all the time or only when you think about getting married to him? I think you may need some counseling to sort this out.

[5ZVP]

I am going through the same thing with my wife. The problems with anxiety are my thoughts are a jumbo mess, and I overemphasis some of my problems. On my "clear" days I feel things are going great and the issues of my marriage seem minimal. On my "bad" days my life is hell and I blame part of it on my marriage. The true feelings of my relationship with my wife are the one reflected on my clear days, however the problems are not just a figment of my imagination. I just over emphasis them. I finally realize that I have to not only work on my anxiety but I also have to work on my relationship.

[Redwingsfan]

You are not alone. I am with a wonderful man. I was so in love in the beginning. Then I had my first panic attack. I haven't been normal since. My anxiety is so bad I sometimes feel that I can't do it anymore. He is perfect. There us nothing wrong with him. When I am anxious I get very aggravated. He irritates me, but I know its just all in my head. It causes me to question us. I have tried tons of medications and they all make me worse off. I worry that I am causing too much troube for him and I feel guilty. He has a 10 year old daughter, she is very clingy and it makes me even more irritated. I know I love both of them to death and I am hanging onto them for dear life. But my brain won't let me.

[Dubc5000]

It seems like the consistent theme here is all to familiar but we have anxiety and then we think that we aren't good enough for the people that we really love and want to be with. I've certainly struggled with those insecurities and have had some people (the wrong people) through it in my face. But just having anxiety doesn't make anyone less deserving of someone's love. I'm working on not letting the anxiety define me even though I struggle with it. The anxiety is really only about 2 - 5% of who we are and it's not the content of our character.

[Boo Bass]

Well said!

[stellaclark25]

I completely understand what you are going through. I too was in a relationship for almost 4 years, and I often questioned if I am making the right steps in life, if I am being good to that person and if I'm not holding her back from achieving her dreams. I too have from time to time questioned whether she was the one, and felt that something was missing from the relationship. Sometimes it would be great, other times my anxiety would get to me and I would start to overthink and worry excessively. I still do to this day. However, if and when I enter a new relationship, I now have the added experience of knowing that when any doubts creep in my mind, it's very likely anxiety in my head, and because it's a perception and not reality, I should ignore it and calm myself down. It sounds like you too understand the root cause of your worrying and wondering if he's the one. Just remind yourself that overall anxiety is a small (small as in a small percentage of all things in your life) nuisance and because of its nature it has the power to influence a big part of your life. So don't let one wilting flower make the whole garden look bad! You are so mature for thinking this through and knowing yourself! I think you are aware deep down inside that you love this person and that they are wonderful in most respects. Whenever you doubt yourself, just think about something else and kick the thoughts out of your mind. It is easier said than done, but try it, see how much power your mind and willpower has over anxiety.