Cry for help

[someguywhatever]

I'm in a really shit situation. Right now everything is paid for by my parents (my apartment, utilities, living expenses for food, etc.) and I'm jobless without a functioning brain/mind to obtain work so I can get out of the situation that I am in. If I complain about anything to my parents who are not spiritual (except maybe my mother) they say I should go to the doctor, meaning the psychiatrist they want to force me to see, I get forced upon powerful, ugly antipsychotic medication which makes me completely numb with terrible side affects regardless of which type of drug I am placed upon. If I say I won't take the drugs prescribed, I am forced to have injections which last for almost a month. Because I fear injections, I have to lie between my teeth to say that I will take drugs, which do nothing to solve my problems, everyday. I have no option or election to mention if I missed a day or two. My mother believes I have to take these drugs for life and I am in a conundrum because talking to my mother if something is wrong is a natural thing, however my mother has completely turned against me (the one person I am instinctually supposed to turn to if I'm having problems such as a headache, broken leg, etc.) and is brainwashed into believing that psychiatric drugs are helpful for me. So I can't trust my parents at all. My mom calls or sends texts asking how I am doing and I am forced to either ignore her calls or texts or lie and say that I'm doing ok. If I say I'm doing ok, she thinks "the medication is working," which does nothing for my mental health whatsoever. The psychiatric drugs just make me numb. The psychiatrist I am forced to see doesn't see me as a person, just a "disease" to be treated. I instinctually know this from the tone in which he gives me an empty greeting, walks down the hallway to his office where he doesn't make conversation or small talk along the way, and then expects me to sit in the middle of a half circle couch 10-12 feet away from his ergonomic chair. I have no repetoir between me and the psychiatrist. I instinctually don't trust him and know he is lying between his teeth stating that medication "works" and making condescending statements towards me using fake feelings. I am 29, unemployed, with the same general problems that millenials my age have, but with the additional problem of not having a career. I want to go to study botany or astronomy in graduate school as my mind is driven towards science. I instinctually know that psychiatry is not science whatsoever, it is a quackery and hogwash, purely derived from financial interests of pharmaceutical corporations to sell expensively developed drugs. I get marketed drugs each time I go to this psychiatrist's office and I have to lie and say that I will take whatever drug is marketed to me. The relationship is completely impersonal and I don't have a general practitioner to see outside of this psychiatrist's office. When I was in college I had a doctor that I saw at my university's medical branch who got furious about me being prescribed psychiatric medication for "giddiness and anxiety." I was nervous contextually to see the clinician outside of college, but saw him only due to a physical injury to my knee. My doctor in university was on ball with the seriousness and dangers of being prescribed psychiatric medication and I had a good relationship with her and she understood the importance of creativity for well-being as well as education at university and outside of school for mental health. I did ok outside of college and was able to get a couple of jobs over the years before I made a rash decision to go to law school, particularly one which wasn't well known. I could have been more mindful and engaged in things like yoga, meditation, and advancement of the brain and mind before making the big decision to cost my Dad alot of money to live in another city and go to school there. I wasn't thinking straight and merely wanted to keep up with my peers who were in law school and going to law school. It wasn't enough to justify moving. I eventually flunked out because I was under the impression that all lawyers were ruthless and cutthroat and I had alot of mixed spiritual beliefs going on which complicated learning as I was scared shitless of my classmates due to not making efforts to talk to them after the third week of school. I just wasn't geared up for success at the time. My dad holds a grudge about this experience to this day. I made efforts to talk to my Dad pretty much every other day from the start of the introductory week of school to the third week of school, stating that the school was a bad choice and I should go home. I was nervous about the entire experience/plan and I made a stupid decision stating to my father that I would be successful in law school. My Dad no longer trusts me to this day and thinks all graduate schools are scams. This means that even if I created a great repetoir with professors at say Cambridge University's Astronomy Department and I were accepted into a graduate program next Fall, something which would be a really big opportunity for me and eventually earning a Master's and Ph.D. which would be a lifetime achievement and send my life and career skyrocketing, my Dad would not support me. I've thought about scholarships, doing a work-study, and perhaps planning to earn degrees part-time, however I'm mentally unable to plan my next steps. I simply cannot plan anything. My brain can't do it as is. I can't plan on a daily basis, weekly basis, monthly basis, etc. I simply cannot plan anything and not only do I feel stupid, I'm convinced that I have become stupid, which isn't material that can or should be in higher education. I just want the mind and brain that will take me there. I'm constantly nervous and all that happens to me is that time ticks by. I literally have nothing going on. I can't even do simple things like absorb what is happening in TV shows (Game of Thrones, Netflix specials, etc.) or films that I used to enjoy or want to enjoy. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I know its a bit gross to do, but I can't *ahem* take care of recreational reproductive system exercises on my own anymore. I can't even afford to if I could. This leaves me with a constant emotional/loving tone towards whoever is within my visual vicinity, no matter sex, age, or background. I don't have a therapist to talk to who lives in my area, although I have a therapist that I talk to online. It is difficult for me to break into what I have to say and I'm not in a good state to mention how long I will be needing therapy or evaluating things like costs of services, be it therapy, haircuts, or taxi/uber rides. I'm not in a good state to pick up upon changes of any kind. I'm constantly nervous and it doesn't help that I can barely meditate from the comfort of my apartment due to frequent activity of diesel burning trucks outside, people making loud noises outside of shops 5 stories below me (I live in an apartment/shopping center complex), and the sound of cars being locked. The sounds around me are the only things I hear pretty much and I'm highly on edge from focusing upon them. I don't live in a quiet place. I've tried going to quiet spaces in town such as parks, however I've been conditioned to only do so on weekends otherwise I will get looks from strangers as I seem really out of place, although in my mind I am doing literally nothing wrong lying on the grass and taking in the scenery in my attempts to relax and simply think, something which I cannot do. My Mom is a bit of help in that she does listen to me and agrees with me that therapy would be helpful, however in the process of talking about this she conveys upon me her stress of costs of paying for therapy, hearing which isn't helpful for me as I just need a safe space and I can't unhear things like costs. My Mom is unpredictable, being an artist, and this makes interactions with her difficult as I need to rely upon having some consistency in my life. I've tried watching certain TV shows in order to have something consistent in my life, however I can't seem to find a TV show with characters who are in consistent situations. I want something in my life that doesn't change. I'm not sure right now if I'm talking to myself or to whoever reads this. Should I do the same meditation exercises each day? I don't even know how to do this because I wake up at odd times and I don't have a consistent sleep schedule. I constantly feel like I'm working, even when typing this out and I know that I can't expect all the other people in the big city I live in to adjust to me, which is just silly. On top of that I'm constantly trying to get others to "know what I'm saying/feel me."

[someguywhatever]

Being smart with language and words has worked for me in the past, however I'm frustrated as I always have to be "on" and alert at all times. I don't get a break at all. By the time I process what someone on the phone is saying or what a stranger is saying, I don't have the right words to say back. I can't even think of words to say back to someone who calls me on the phone. I am in a constant state of being caught by surprise and its a scary feeling because I do not feel emotionally protected at all. I don't have a safe place for my emotions as they are always out there, meaning I can't think clearly about expenses, dating, or plan my time in an orderly way. I've learned to stop answering the phone, because if I do, I can't speak logically and this frustrates people at the other end. I am living only on the kindness of my parents and strangers who decide to be nice and that's about it. I have no protection against the onslaught of societal demands whatsoever. I have no shield and I am completely powerless to what other people have to say or do to me. I've been told by other people in group therapy programs that I was in in the past that running on passions and emotions is a bad idea. How do I turn these emotions off? How do I think quickly again? I feel like I've been sent back to a childhood emotional state and I simply can't learn and grow. I've been corned into seeing a psychiatrist who will NEVER take me off antipsychotics and I constantly ruminate over what caused me to be on them in addition to constantly thinking that I am having conversations with the people in my life when I am completely alone. Antipsychotic drugs ruin, will ruin, have ruined my life. I no longer feel human. (Long story short, I caused property damage to my mom's house after being hyped up from endorphins from running and accidentally made a hole in one of the walls of her house after pushing off the wall to get to my room faster as I was excited) My parents don't want me to get excited about anything ever again. I don't feel human and get yelled at for not feeling human by my parents and other people. I simply don't understand ethics and even if I educate myself on ethics, I'm not calm enough to explain to my mother how I'm calm now/better/able to plan, because she holds a grudge against me for everything I've done in the past. I have to go through my Mom and Dad in order to better my life. That simply is how my life is right now and they believe I need to permanently be on antipsychotic drugs in order to be calm. I simply can't block anything out in order to be calm. I don't know what to do. I feel a bit suicidal but don't want to go down that path, end up in hospital, get yelled at by my father who believes I have to be on antipsychotics for life, and have zero freedom or potential freedom to make choices as I'll be unable to get a job based on psychiatric stigma. I've also been unemployed for over a year now aside from online work and volunteering. The condition my parents have in order for me to get my car back is that I have a job and that's a maybe that I'll get my car back. (They only see it as a necessity to go to work so I can get out of their way). I don't think my parents care about me anymore. I can't even plan what types of jobs I want. My parents have put me in a weird position where I can't make up my plan as I go along. I have to break everything down in detail to a psychiatrist who runs completely along the conventional health system, taking enormous amounts of energy out of me, and switching off my natural inherent way of thinking. If I apply for a job that I don't want, the hiring manager will be able to tell if I'll work there for a long time and I'm not good at lying. I'm simply not a good liar and I'm in a constant state of being caught "with my pants down" so to speak. I don't feel comfortable feeling like I'm "caught" or a "criminal." I eat, smoke, and drink to deal with my anxiety. My Dad thinks I'm weird for eating only organic food or food crafted with love and care as he sees food as a financial expense and nothing more. He yells at me for being picky about food and has no idea how organic, clean food improves mental health. He simply runs on his values and gets angry at me for having any values of my own. I don't know what to do I'm forced to be fake around my Dad in order to get my car back so I can get to a workplace. I can't get to interviews unless through uber and I don't want to be talking to an Uber driver who may or may not be smart on the way to an interview, being judged every single moment I am outside of my apartment. I feel judged all the time and I'm not in a good state to do any judging back. I'm always in a weaker position. I'm not well enough to defend myself if I get hit by a car while riding my bike. The other person will always have power over me. I also have to justify to my mother why I'm not answering her calls and also why I'm not mentally healthy, something she completely does not understand and thinks she has to "do" something about it when it isn't a matter of "doing" anything. Both my parents think they need to "do" something and I'm in no shape to have any control over my life whatsoever. I feel completely "checkmated" and my only option is to undertake a painful suicide while also being utterly mindful that I shouldn't harm anyone. I also simply cannot kill myself; it's too hard for me to do physically. This makes me feel "gay" which I'm not and I'm caught in this loop that never breaks or changes. I also live in an apartment I can barely justify living in because I don't want to work in the city that I live in. I'm expected by my mother to work in the city that I live in due ONLY to financial reasons that breaking my apartment's lease costs two months rent and then I also have to plan extensively in advance for somewhere else to live. I'm expected to articulate all of my plans to my parents, which makes me feel uncomfortable and not independent emotionally or otherwise and I've kind of been corned into doing so. I can't really train for the skills I need to find a new job. My parents know literally everything about me and it is driving me mad because I have no independence whatsoever and they get suspicious if I create independent plans of my own. I will be forced on antipsychotic drugs if I create my own plans. I'm also asked what have I been doing/up to by my Mom and I clearly have to lie and say that I've been busy doing XYZ even though I haven't. I'm expected to be social like my parents and have the same personality as my parents because from their point of view "there is clearly nothing wrong with them" even though my sister, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins clearly disagree. I literally have no power over my life and I don't have any safe space to purge at the moment. I know mental hospitals are clearly unsafe along with psychiatrist's offices. The last therapist I saw I could not trust and I wasted 7 months going to weekly appointments with her.

[someguywhatever]

I feel like too much time is passing in my life and that I'm not getting ANYTHING done. I have alot of pressure built up in my head and I can barely relax enough to go to sleep. My parents both have very childlike mentalities and they clearly don't know what's at stake when going to a mental hospital or seeing a psychiatrist, seeing what's actually real. They're both socially inept and block themselves off from inside bickering and what actually happens when I go to cafes. They just hear the words that I say and in every attempt I make to articulate things in as detailed form as possible, they completely block things out. Even if I were to repair my relationship with my parents, they wouldn't understand the necessity of having a car for mental health reasons and in order to be social, network, and connect to find work among other things. My mother has incredibly high standards of what I'm supposed to be, comparing me to her rich friends' sons and daughters who have "made it" and clearly have mental space from their parents so they can live happy, fulfilling, and meaningful lives where they can have lots of thoughts come into their brains and organize them how they see fit, improving as they go. I don't feel like I have safe space in my apartment to plan as I'm always in a constant state of being bothered, annoyed, or disturbed by other people running on their schedules or living out their lives. Watching TV shows and the news does help, but neither portray reality, just shadow aspects of it. I'm expected to not be anxious even though I am for justified reasons and I made the mistake of asking my mom during a session with the psychiatrist why I am being forced on medication and now he has something on me and my family. Even if consistently working the psychiatrist won't take me off medication because he believes "that's the medication working." I'm cornered into seeing a psychiatrist, I know that for sure and none of them are open to any real solutions to breaking the cycle of medication, particularly because the city I live in has a huge drinking and eating culture. My parents have been brainwashed by the mental health industry that that's the "right thing to do." I don't feel comfortable in group therapy because I know I'll get stared at, I won't feel comfortable being around other people trying to "game the system," and the majority of other people won't want to share because they have a solid network of mental health support already in place. If I tell my Mom honestly that I'm stressed, she'll ask if I've been seeing the psychiatrist who doesn't give a shit about me, ask me why not if I say no, start saying that I should go back to a mental hospital, or saying I should take monthly injections (which will become tri-monthly and yearly injections if I'm not on guard), or if she's happens to be in a nice mood might say something like taking yoga classes. She's not smart enough to know there are bigger things at stake going on in the world and how I'm completely at the mercy of merciless big pharma and corporate interests who do little to ensure that good people are working for other people's interests. She also believes everyone on the planet is out for themselves which isn't true. My Mom is clueless on picking up if people don't like her. My Dad as well. I'm completely at the mercy of other people's moods including the people that raised me. My Mom gets angry if I'm not "talking" or starts picking me apart if I unleash my problems that have built up. I feel like a prisoner and at the mercy of other's beliefs. If I get happy and active, it will all come crashing down at some point, because I'm not earning or paying for anything, even though I need to be happy and active in order to earn. If I talk to an emergency support line because I'm having a panic attack, I will expect that they know who I am. I'm always at the mercy of my parent's moods and its killing me. My Mom is constantly trying to come up with solutions, but doesn't just want to talk, which is what I need. She doesn't understand the power of just talking. To her everything is about doing. I don't know anyone else who is going through something like this, especially at 29. I'm scared, afraid, and constantly judged. I don't feel safe at casual cafes or coffee shops, with nutritionists or doctors. I'm in a city which doesn't have good mental health services (alternative, holistic) and I will forever be bitten in my butt by taking off and leaving. I don't feel comfortable enough staying on a friend's couch in another city because I will be asked how long I will be staying, because I can't speak casually. No one where I live knows me. They've seen me, perhaps interacted with me, but they don't know me deep down or on any level. I don't feel positive about my apartment and will have to talk about that to strangers, the same with being unemployed as I don't have a career. No one is sympathetic towards me or nice to any degree. I smoke in my apartment because that's the only place I won't be looked at for doing so. I'm around alot of successful, perfectionist people where I live and they analyze me as I go towards common areas. They make me feel self-conscious. I don't have anyone to talk to about different types of people. I'm expecting that falling in love would help, however I don't have any skills to attract anyone. I have to be quiet in my apartment as to not bother anyone. I just don't have anything to do about all this stress. As soon as I have something positive to do, I'll become confident without logical basis, and I'll be in the way of other people going about their day, going through parking garages. I get immensely bothered by people asking me questions like if the parking garage I'm in is paid or free. My parents do love me, but I'm not in a position to articulate a discussion of beliefs. I constantly feel like I'm a product of whatever environment I'm in and don't feel like I have a natural, calm way of engaging in optional interactions within different environments. I don't want to feel like a product, I want to be a mind. I naturally gravitate towards education. I feel too solid in my beliefs. If I start doing yoga, therapy, art, or other creative things, I won't be connected in an emotional way (with thoughts flowing) understanding why I'm doing so or in a logical way, reverse engineering from an image in my mind or image found to create a drawing or piece of art per se. I'm a square peg trying to fit in a round hole and feel like the only way forward is to change the shape of the hole. I can't not think about how antipsychotics are damaging. I simply know too much. Pyschiatry is counter-intuitive. It is trigger-based with key words picked up and a synthetic drug offered for stressed words. I don't want my mind pried apart by clumsy hands, making unscientific and uncustomized conclusions for me instead of me making those decisions for myself. I'm careful about the doctors I trust and don't trust psychiatrists at all, based upon my work as a writer and seeing everything from the top down when things were really clear. I want to go to someone other than a psychiatrist. I don't want to rely on others or spending so much time thinking about what other people have to say, particularly my parents, which are swamping my mind and they don't understand how their beliefs are affecting me as a person outside of being their son. I'm not a politician and don't want to feel like I have to become one. I simply don't feel alive. I'm just anxious all the time. This makes me incredibly nervous about dating. I don't even know where to start.

[someguywhatever]

I feel like I die after everytime I come alive. My Mom feels like she's my friend even though she is not, which is damaging to my psychological health. I barely remember to eat and when I do, I get lurked at by society types. I constantly think about what's going to come next before it happens. When I read or begin learning, nothing sticks. I feel like everything is formula-based with no room for flexibility/change. I don't want to have to remember or lie and say about what I was doing while I'm emotional and I don't want to get rid of my emotions altogether and become a hospital drug medicated zombie or have to become one to move forward. I don't want pauses and the feeling that my soul is resting between doing things. I don't want to feel stuck or victimized by other people's personalities. I want my thoughts to flow and channel instead of being sporadic. I don't want to feel like I'm standing up to the psychiatric system by choosing to not go with it. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one on the underground. I don't want to feel like I die every single night that I go to sleep. I want to be able to take breaks from time to time. I want to be able to write these thoughts as they come continuously. I don't want my parents to be the only ones that know me. I don't want to feel sick and tired all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm causing problems for people. I don't want to feel so serious and on the edge all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm predictable and going to breakdown all the time and that antipscyhotics are the only answer. I don't want to be numb, dumb, and stupid walking around with a chemical lobotomy. I don't want to pretend that I'm doing something so that my upstairs neighbor thinks that nothing's wrong. I don't want to pretend to be any version of my parent's son and exhaust myself putting on an act that I'm their son, but that's whats going on and they have no idea. They yell at me based upon not picking up information/instructions how to do things or deciding on what tv shows or movies to watch around them when I can barely think because I'm having to act "normal" or me which takes up all my energy, leaving nothing available to pick movies or say anything regarding dinner plans. It's painful having to pretend to be me. I just want to be treated like a person and have private thoughts of my own which aren't picked apart and pried by some stranger who has no interest in me reproducing or being a comprehensive, complicated, and interesting member of the human race. I did nothing wrong. I didn't try to harm anyone else or myself and I get bullied or interrogated by others in society for not having a relaxed face as their is nothing I can do about it because I don't understand context. I don't want to come across as schizophrenic or not have a mind or a voice to speak when someone around me is doing something wrong towards me or someone else. I don't want to be in a position where I'm unable to act, which is where I am now. I don't want to be surrounded by people with cop mentalities all the time or be forced brainwashed into thinking that I have to mindlessly conform to someone else's belief for living a meaningful and productive life, being young at heart, young in body, and young in mind . I want to live a life worth living, not a life of being a slave to countless psychiatrist's mercy. I don't want to be a psychiatric slave. I don't want to feel like I have to have a discussion with every person that I see. I don't want to continue thinking that I am every face that I have come across.

My present experience is shit. I can't read information objectively. I simply cannot do it, functionally, so I remember everything and rely on memory alone. I don't have a division system for organizing information and knowing where and to whom to speak certain things. I'm not entirely sure if I've said what I intend to say here or when I talk to other people. Everything just comes out from my subconscious. I just want my emotions and sense of shame and guilt back. (I am crying as I wrote that).

Perhaps I'm at the butt of a societal problem at large and I don't know what's to be done to fix this. I'm so exhausted and I simply don't want to be bothered or at least not be around people with low emotional intelligence who can't pick up that someone doesn't want to be talked to.

I can't speak casually anymore and its causing me alot of anxiety. I don't know where to start. The only advantage I have is some money in my account. I'm living day to day and that's about it, one minute at a time. I need help. I want a therapist that's creative and socially observant, able to pick up nuances in personalities and sees the bigger picture.

I just want some honest tips of what to do. I am constantly on guard. I'm completely at my wit's end. Long term therapy or medication won't help. The medication is killing me. Psychiatry is killing me by making everything real. It's just a fact. Psychiatric drugs don't cure anything, I know that. I just want to sort through my thoughts and not have everything so real all the time. I'm in a really complex situation. My cousin ended up killing myself three years ago as he was in a similar situation. I don't want to die. I don't want to take the lesser of evils. I just want to be free and have the freedom to decide when I'm analyzed by others and when I'm not. I want to thrive and not feel like I'm running on life support. I have so much potential and don't want it to end here, living somewhere I hate and not enjoying life to any degree. I don't know what to do. I'm not around any artists or creative people and I'm around a bunch of people pretty much all the time who think predominantly with their left brain. I want to use both sides of my brain and strengthen the bonds between the hemispheres. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want my behavior to be in question like an animal or child and not feel unwelcome to work somewhere during interviews. I feel always out of place and maybe I try to push myself too hard, simply to get away from my parents and being medicated. I feel like I'm being run for a loop and its constantly going on and I have no way to break through the mold or analyze it as things come. I feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted and I'm penalized for not remembering things. I don't want to have to smile during interviews and rely on charm alone to get work; that's just not me. I can't even plan how to move forward or what to do with my day. I don't feel safe simply resting on the couch in my apartment as my brain thinks its having conversations with other people. I don't feel comfortable simply sitting and reading a book in my apartment. I'm just never relaxed. I behave the way I should do in public outside my apartment when I'm inside my apartment and when I'm out in public, I behave the way I would do normally in my apartment. My head is completely warped. Everything is completely backwards.

I am in a cycle that won't break. I don't know how to get out of this emotional cycle. I simply don't know what to do or what my first steps should be. I just want to be able to plan and that's it. That's the only thing I want in the world. I want to see logically again. I can't remember anything I've planned in the past. I just want out of the mental health industry's cycle, to not feel like a product of drugs anymore, and to be at peace so I can have creative, original ideas. I feel like my life has been predicted out already and that my fate is sealed. I just want to be able to talk to people who speak impersonally in an impersonal manner and get a feel for conversations. I don't want to have to lie to get a job, but that's what I feel like I have to do. I'm completely fucked and I can't even laugh about it.

I keep getting up from my chair while writing this yet I have nothing to do once I get up. I don't know what to do. I don't get bored. I'm just in reality and that's it.

I'm powerless if anyone says anything nasty here. I wrote this thinking that someone would read all of this. I'm probably wrong. I guess I'm at the mercy of anyone smart who replies. I hope someone smart replies.

It exhausted me to type out all of this.

I don't even understand how to type on these boards properly.

This is my voice and its not meant to scare anyone.