TheIrrationalWomble
04-05-2016, 05:35 AM
Ok, I don't do forums or anything like this but i've run out of options now so this is an attempt to try and reason with myself!
This is a lengthy one, sorry!
I am undiagnosed but I have suffered with anxiety and possibly OCD since I was a kid. We used to call them "guilt phases" where I would become incredibly depressed and upset about something I had done and I would obsess about it until I came clean to my mum which sometimes took months. I also remember lying awake at my dad's house (seperated parents) when I was about 8-9yrs old, panicking in case I killed one of my family members or myself... I couldn't go near plug sockets in case I stuck my fingers in them to kill myself (kid logic!). This passed in my early teen years and everything went back to normal so we put it down to a phase.
Recently however, it's come back and it's much much worse.
When I started uni, I was terrified of moving away, as everyone is. When I eventually got there, I loved every minute of it and I was so happy. When I came home for Christmas that year, I was sitting at home, on cloud 9 and was just flicking through facebook. As usual it was full of provocative pictures and I noticed that this gave me what I have found on google to be a "groinial response". I had a massive panic attack there and then thinking I was a lesbian. I am not homophobic and nor are any of my family or friends. I have always had crushes on guys throughout my whole childhood and so this was news to me! This panic ran away with me and lasted for 2 years!! I would panic day and night at the thought that I was a lesbian. I spoke to my mum about it and she confirmed that it is just the anxiety, which calmed me for a time. It then progressed so the groinial response just became a fear reaction. Now, if I think anyone looks nice, I get the response, which sends floods of panic through me. But there is no emotional attachment, just a physiological response.
I now have a boyfriend who I am very happy with. We have been together nearly 2 years and we're having a great time. When I first started going out with him, all the panic attacks went away and I was happy. I was back at home for a year on a gap year at the time and everything was great. I have since returned to uni and I see him frequently. But, again, before Christmas, all the panic came back.
I know I do love my boyfriend even if I can't feel it at the moment- he is the nicest man, he's handsome, intelligent, loving, funny and i'm so incredibly proud of his achievements.
I have been panicking in case I don't love him and that I have to break up with him. I can't seem to feel any sort of love feelings for anyone and its terrifying me. The thought of breaking up with him tears me apart but at the same time seems like the way out of the panic. I never felt like this before the anxiety and I was very happy with him. Now every time we talk about even the near future, I panic and just think "I might not be with you then" which I hate. I panicked in case I fancied someone else and would cheat on him. I also panic that I might physically harm people (don't worry I never have or will, its just worrying over the prospect) or myself.
I also seem to suffer with OCD- It always seems to be based around the traces of other people- For example, we all have our own hand towels at uni and if I touch someone else's and don't wash my hands, my brain translates that to "you're a freak, you are keeping that person on your hand, now you are going to bed- you must love them"... which I know is completely and utterly mental!! I often laugh at myself amidst the frustration! I also think that if I don't do things a certain way, its symbolic- for example if I don't do things the way my boyfriend recommends or suggests, that means I don't love him...?!?!
I can't talk to my boyfriend- he is the sweetest person, but he and his family aren't very emotional and he will never have dealt with anything like this. He would be really hurt if I started telling him all of that and wouldn't even start to understand. I want to tell him everything and give him an explanation as to why I keep acting so weirdly (I have started to avoid a lot of situations to avoid anxiety) and why I snap so much.
As I am to and fro from uni, I am not in one place long enough to receive constant therapy and so I have to wait until uni is over, but I am really struggling to cope, so I just wondered if there was anyone else out there that has had similar experiences, just so I don't feel like i'm going mad! :)
This is a lengthy one, sorry!
I am undiagnosed but I have suffered with anxiety and possibly OCD since I was a kid. We used to call them "guilt phases" where I would become incredibly depressed and upset about something I had done and I would obsess about it until I came clean to my mum which sometimes took months. I also remember lying awake at my dad's house (seperated parents) when I was about 8-9yrs old, panicking in case I killed one of my family members or myself... I couldn't go near plug sockets in case I stuck my fingers in them to kill myself (kid logic!). This passed in my early teen years and everything went back to normal so we put it down to a phase.
Recently however, it's come back and it's much much worse.
When I started uni, I was terrified of moving away, as everyone is. When I eventually got there, I loved every minute of it and I was so happy. When I came home for Christmas that year, I was sitting at home, on cloud 9 and was just flicking through facebook. As usual it was full of provocative pictures and I noticed that this gave me what I have found on google to be a "groinial response". I had a massive panic attack there and then thinking I was a lesbian. I am not homophobic and nor are any of my family or friends. I have always had crushes on guys throughout my whole childhood and so this was news to me! This panic ran away with me and lasted for 2 years!! I would panic day and night at the thought that I was a lesbian. I spoke to my mum about it and she confirmed that it is just the anxiety, which calmed me for a time. It then progressed so the groinial response just became a fear reaction. Now, if I think anyone looks nice, I get the response, which sends floods of panic through me. But there is no emotional attachment, just a physiological response.
I now have a boyfriend who I am very happy with. We have been together nearly 2 years and we're having a great time. When I first started going out with him, all the panic attacks went away and I was happy. I was back at home for a year on a gap year at the time and everything was great. I have since returned to uni and I see him frequently. But, again, before Christmas, all the panic came back.
I know I do love my boyfriend even if I can't feel it at the moment- he is the nicest man, he's handsome, intelligent, loving, funny and i'm so incredibly proud of his achievements.
I have been panicking in case I don't love him and that I have to break up with him. I can't seem to feel any sort of love feelings for anyone and its terrifying me. The thought of breaking up with him tears me apart but at the same time seems like the way out of the panic. I never felt like this before the anxiety and I was very happy with him. Now every time we talk about even the near future, I panic and just think "I might not be with you then" which I hate. I panicked in case I fancied someone else and would cheat on him. I also panic that I might physically harm people (don't worry I never have or will, its just worrying over the prospect) or myself.
I also seem to suffer with OCD- It always seems to be based around the traces of other people- For example, we all have our own hand towels at uni and if I touch someone else's and don't wash my hands, my brain translates that to "you're a freak, you are keeping that person on your hand, now you are going to bed- you must love them"... which I know is completely and utterly mental!! I often laugh at myself amidst the frustration! I also think that if I don't do things a certain way, its symbolic- for example if I don't do things the way my boyfriend recommends or suggests, that means I don't love him...?!?!
I can't talk to my boyfriend- he is the sweetest person, but he and his family aren't very emotional and he will never have dealt with anything like this. He would be really hurt if I started telling him all of that and wouldn't even start to understand. I want to tell him everything and give him an explanation as to why I keep acting so weirdly (I have started to avoid a lot of situations to avoid anxiety) and why I snap so much.
As I am to and fro from uni, I am not in one place long enough to receive constant therapy and so I have to wait until uni is over, but I am really struggling to cope, so I just wondered if there was anyone else out there that has had similar experiences, just so I don't feel like i'm going mad! :)