My anxiety goes incircles and messes my love life

[SandonS terrors]

Hi

I have anxiety, that can never be cured. The reason it can't be cured is because it affects the very person i need to stand by me and they leave.

See i have complex post traumatic stress disorder which is depression lead into anxiey from not having unconditional love. I never knew where i belonged as a child and also was tortured etc. I know many people suffer under the same things but tell me do you have the love of at least one parent.

I have neither. I am a master at love because my whole life has been about finding true love. My youngest daughter loves me unconditionally. I know this because i feel it. I know almost instantly if the girl is my heart etc.

A few years ago i broke up with a girl and i was happy enough but i started to get sad wanting the love of a girl. I met then, the mother of my children. I fell in love with her, it was the firt time i had ever felt these feelings. Things were going great but after a few monhs things changed.

I felt so deep for her that i didn't want to lose her. To her and everyone i was a jealous possessive freak. I never new i was doing anything wrong. I always thought she was in the wrong. I never stopped loving her though. We fought we broke up, got back together etc. I used to accuse her of hiding things and perving and all sorts of crap. Eventually we broke up for good and i went through a couple girlfriends. No probems broke up etc. i was still cut up about my ex though. Anyway i met this fantastic girl and we got together and i was in love again but this time i believe it was different because of our common interests.

She thought i was great and then one day i started this you looking for someone better crap. See i have anxiey with the worst possible thing. I want to find the most briliant love and when i find it i fear losing it. Any little thing can set off an attack where i say stupid things making me look jealous or possessive. I know i don't need to be because they already think i am the best. Anxiety though knows no boundaries.

Because of how sweet this girl was, i knew something was wrong and i kinda felt maybe this was the same patterns as with my kids mum. It just didn't make sense. Anyway she thought i wore a mask and we broke up. Now tell me how are you meant to get over anxiety if your anxious moment is fear of loss but then you lose. It doesn't work.

To this day i am still majorly cut up over this girl becoming a recluse in my own home. I have no friends and am all alone. I lost the plot big time after her and now there is definately no hope, which has killed me because she is everyting i need and want. I looked for her all my life only to have messed it up.

My point is because my anxiety comes across as something different, the girl i love doesn't stand by me. I went to a counsellor but it doesn't help. I have used anxiety pills and trying self hypnosis. Problem is i have lost, the perfect girl to me because of this stupid anxiety shit.

Ths is why i am not curable. The counsellor, a cognitve therapist showed me what was hapening and why. I sabotage my relatonhips before they abandon me. It only happens with the good ones which isnt any help to me. I stuff it up before they can, then i regret it because i really did love them. I am only seeking this love because i hve never had it. I try to be the best man for this girl and it makes my problem look worse then what it is.

I identified my problem but it was too late, i had almost lost her already. Before i could seek help and prove to her that it wasn't directly towards her even though she felt it was, which is my own fault anyway. It as too late. the same symptoms happen. For instance. My girl says bob is good looking (not meaning anything by that) I start to panic, i get fast heart beats, i withdraw and can't breath right. I then say something stupid like, yeah bob so great at everything isn't he, coming out as accusation. Or it might be her looking at another guy. I then would say why are you perving. Later when i calm down, I look at the same guy and there is nothing to look at.

This never happens to girls i only love, only the ones, which is 2, that i have fallen in love with. It has really killed me now bcause i am not the same person i was. I had the girl of my dreams and both these girls really did love me. I can't make this last girl understand or see i am not that guy really i just need some help.

I apologised to my ex (mum of kids) for hurting her all those years. She has been in depression and i feel it is my fault. She asked whether i really loved her and this is another point. If i am absolutely in love then this happens so yes i was in love with her. My heart is only for one and now has moved onto the new girl. I am very complex when it comes to love and think i have put too much pressure on myself causing me to get anxiety.

It is so hard now for me knowing i had the girl perfect for me because some of her ways even made me at ease wth this piece of crap problem. I am so disheartened and i wont find nother with all her qualities. I actually thought i was so lucky to have someone like her. She isn't a super model or even a model but thats not what i am about and in my eyes she was stunning. Now you think you have problems with anxiety fearing driving or going out sometimes. Try wanting the only one thing you have ever wanted and it causing you fear. That is not good. People can get over a fear of cars or something. For instance when the wind blows strong and i see a fire in the distance, i get much the same atack. I have to shake my head to snap out of it.
I am such a good decent guy and do all the right things with my girl but i have one flaw that has killed the very person i am. The counselling hasn't worked because i have lost. All i think about day in day out is this girl. I wake up in tears. It has been 6 months since our part.

She was everything to me and we never fought. In fact the few times i had a panic attack and said stupid things to her we just walked away. She is so placid and hates conflict. We never fought about anything so not fighting about anything significant to me but it was to her and losing her while in love has drained me so bad. I can't sleep. I seep too long. I can't eat right. I hate work when i loved it. I was fit and strong. Now weak and smoke. All this and i have been on depression / anxiety drugs for 5 months. I guess i feel if i hurt my own true love and a girl so kind hearted and happy after all she has been through too, where do i fit in?

I pray everyday that god takes me while i sleep because without the one thing i most want on this earth then what is the use keeping me here. I have no friends. I sit here day in day out not wanting to do anything. I have all this good furniture and things that now mean crap to me because i just want one girl to share it with and she doesn't want me because i ruined it with anxiety. In fact i ruined my hopes with my kids mum too. I just keep stuffing up my love life and now i am scared of being in love and finding love and losing love. That is all i ever wanted, so where do i fit in now. It finally got me and beat me. Nothing is working and it just seems hopeless

[Carla]

Hi... I am so sorry that you are going thro such a terrible time in your life right now. You do have a reason to live and that is your children. I know it is difficult to think of others when you are so low and depressed but one thing that kept me going was my son. Imagine what emotional fallout you would leave your children by not living? You say you have anxiety and that it cant be cured. It cant be cured because you are telling yourself exactly that. Maybe it cant be cured 100% but it can be cured to a degree. I have anxiety and a few months ago I was going through hell with it but now months on I am not free of it but it is a thousand times better. The right medication and counselling can help to a point and then there is self help. You have recognised what is happening here and the only person that can deal with this and change it so you get no more of the same old in the future, is you. You can change how you behave, You can do it as you are in control of you, not anxiety. If you keep on as you are then you are going to get more of the same. I would get as much counselling as possible, as much help as possible, off the doctor and I would say the past is in the past and what happened is not going to ruin any more of my life and rships. I had an horrific childhood like a lot of people do, and for a long time - years - I messed up every rship I went into. I knew exactly how I was behaving and how I was messing it up.I knew why I was like I was cos of my past. I then went thro the agonies of losing people in rships, that I deeply loved by how I was behaving. I said to myself that I was going to be different and change all the negatives aspects of me and replace them with positive ones.It wasnt easy. I just basically got fed up of ruining my own life and rships. I wanted to have happy fulfilled rships like others did. The only thing that was stopping me from having that was me. You sound so depressed and you have every reason to be depressed I am sure, but you can say ok that happened and it has affected me and how I behave in rships and in all the other ways, but from now I am having a 2nd shot at living and leaving all the awful stuff behind me and this life from now on now until my time on earth is up, is going to be different. I am going to behave totally different and I am going to see the good results from behaving in a different way. Looking back at my awful childhood I could have gone down a very different path to the one I am on, and I am surprised that I didnt, but what kept me going was that what happened, happened, but it was not going to ruin my life, cos I wasnt going to let it. You either let it ruin your life or you dont. Simple as that. Life is so short and all those cliches but its so true. You can either spend it being unhappy and staying unhappy or try and improve your circumstances,even when you have gone thro and going thro such awful times. You either want to change or you dont. If you dont get help to change you are going to get more of how you feel right now. I have been suicidal and I wanted something to happen where my life would end cos I was suffering so much BUT looking back I was deeply depressed, now that I am happier I am sooo glad I didnt take my life! Thankfully I am alive to be able to say that! I told myself my time will come to an end on this earth when it is meant to be and when god decides that it is the time. I was placed here and I am staying here until it is that time. Things have improved a lot but back then in my deepest darkest moments I really thought it could never improve. Please get some help by going to see your doctor again and tell him how you feel and by getting some more counselling. Dont give up because if you dont get help and wont help yourself then you are just going to feel like you do for longer. Do you have family that you can talk to? Keep posting on here cos you will get plenty of good advice and support to help you and it is a really friendly forum. Please let us know how you are.[/b]

[SandonS terrors]

Thanks Carla

For your reply. I guess a lot of other things happened that caused me stress at the time. I am not lying when i say i have no friends. I have no friends to talk to and with my line of work it isn't that easy to make any.

On top of all this i am alone. I had one friend since i moved to here but that was one of the things that went wrong. Anyway the story is too long to tell all the details but at the time i swear someone had put a curse on me.

I am so depressed over losing this girl and i guess i am sick to death of losing. Ths time though i feel i have lost the perfect girl for me. I will only want her or better and i know all her qualities right down to her cute little complex i will never find again. It was like this can't be real. Everytime she turned and did something i believe my bottom jaw dropped with surprise. Everything, i can't explain That is so disappointing to lose and i am not going backwards. I mean i know there are a lot of lovely girls but its the one who is right for me. I met perect for me.

I was so happy so i couldn't see why this was happening. I was so positive about things. I aked for her and i got her. I never asked to have her taken from me. I have been trying all the positive things but it doesn't help Believe me i do all the affirmations and everything. I am sick of the depression pills because they do not work. And if they do it is for a short while only masking the problem.

I mean if say i had got help and still had my girl, of course they would probably help. Thing is i am trying to fix a problem that is overshadowed by an new problem. The probem of devastation. I am usually a strong person and i have beaten this for many years and it only took this girl for me to fall into a heap so you can see how much she meant. I had this dream from when i was a teenager of meeting this girl, maybe not totally the same looks but everythig about her.

Now her and everyone just think i am a looney. It isn't nice being thought of like that when you have a heart of gold. I guess i have fort to long and i just give up, whats the use. I mean everyday i have tried something new to get me on track but it is hopeless. I know about the telling yourself but thats it. I have tried and tried to tell mself. Once i used to exercise and lift weights etc everyday ritually by myself so i have will power and a strong head. Which is probably why i have fought it off for so long.

Now though i have lost something so precious that it isn't coming back and yes i have tried the asking and the get your ex back books and everything but it is useless. I guess i have anxiety that ruined my life but on top of that i am alone my business is up and down because of the company i do work for so i don't know where it stands. My daughters live towns away. Just everything went down when everything was so great. How can you have faith in asking when eveything you asked for is there in front of you and then it s stripped away. I never asked for that In fact at the time i was listening to things like the secret and doing a positive home study program to get into housing and shares.

I never asked for it to be taken from me and i was asking and dreaming for more not less to hapeen. How i can i believe in that shit now. Being positive an asking and all that shit its fake.

[Carla]

Hi again
You do need to solve the issues with yourself before going back into a rship one day and repeating the pattern of how you admitted you behave. It sounds reading thro your messages that you place too much upon your partners. They can help us and support us but only to a certain extent. A partner is not someone we can use as a crutch to prop us up. We have to do that ourselves. We all lose people in our lives for many different reasons from rship split ups to death and it can be heartbreaking, but people find their own way somehow and the inner strength and courage to carry on. You may not want any other partner other than your ex but that is for now. You wont always feel that way. You wont see that now as you are too depressed and hurting so much.Where was it ever written that we were going to get an easy have it all life? Some people are fortunate that they lead what seems to be great trouble free lives but for the majority of us, we have times in our lives that are truly terrible, and times that are good. I know of people who are really suffering with ill health and they didnt ask for it along with all the other tragedies and suffering that goes on in peoples lives. I sometimes hear something tragic on the news and I will think How do people deal with that and carry on but they do and as time goes by it wont ever go away what has happened but people learn how to cope with what has happened. They never asked for it to happen.
Forget about people thinking you are a looney - yes its not nice but rise above that. You are not a 'looney' What does it matter what people think. Let them think what they want. At the end of the day you know who you are as a person.
You sound so down and defeated. You sound like you have given up. You say your anti depressants dont work. Can you go back to your doctor and try different ones that may work? There are so many different types - it could be just a matter of finding the right one for you. Yes, they do mask problems just like anxiety medication does but the main thing is that they help by giving your mind a rest whilst you can tackle issues by the help of counselling. You have to want to feel better and help yourself too. You say you dont have any friends and that your job doesnt allow for meeting other people. Could you change jobs to a job which allows you to work and socialise with other people? You say its an unstable job, so maybe it is time for a change? You say your daughters live towns away - could you move closer to them to see them more? Do you have time to join clubs or groups to meet people or do voluntary work on a weekend? Being as isolated as you are will not help how you are feeling. I would keep as busy as possible for now but give yourself time to relax too. I believe time is the only real way to get over an ex. There is nothing like the pain of splitting up with someone you really love. It is agonising I know. It does eventually become bearable tho. It is a grieving process. You say being positive is fake and sh*t. So how is being negative? What do you get from being negative? How do you think think you can help yourself? I believe in hope and faith. Yes you are going thro an awful time right now and I feel for you, but it can get better too.You have to try and stop being so self pitying and I dont mean that in an horrid way and start taking steps to being positive in order to feel better.

[Obelysk]

I feel for you man, you are going through what seems that hardest time of your life. What you have right now is bigger than just your anxiety. You are currently drowning on your own sorrow and self pity, it wont matter if you go back to your doctor for different antidepressants and whatever other pill they give you or whatever self help books you read . Nothing will help you because you no longer believe in yourself. You are on a dark place in life where you have nobody and everything has gone from bad to worse. Now I don't mean to assume what happened to your love life but from what I read it seems that you became very insecure and possessive with your significant other and you suffocated them away from you. Its not your fault, it sounds like you lived a terrible childhood and you never received the love and affection that you deserve, and believe me you do deserve to be loved, you have gone through so much and have remained so strong for so long and even now you are still fighting through this dark stage in your life. Unfortunately the mistake that it seems that you have made is that you placed all your hopes, dreams, love and soul at your ex-girlfriend's hands, which in reality is both not fair for both you and her. You cannot put so much burden on someone else to be the one and only reason for you to be a happy man, she is supposed to be your partner and friend but she cannot be the reason for your life. Love is mutual and you have to learn to trust that significant other and respect her and she will do the same for you. But you MUST believe in yourself first, you need to find yourself again. I was told by an old woman once that "if I don't believe in myself first how can I ever expect her to believe in me?" As much as I hate to tell people what to do I will have to make an exception here. You have to change the way you live your life man, its obvious that the way you are heading down right now is taking you deeper into darkness. You are a miserable person, and have all lost your will to live. You need to make changes for the better. When I was at my worst with my panic attacks (I had one almost every 2 hours for 3 straight days to the point that I trembled even on my sleep), I talked to a women who suffered from anxiety, she was a sister of my mother's friend. When I talked to her she made me realize just how miserable I had lived my whole life and how the way I was living my life was making me feel the way I did. Nothing that I had done i my life had made me happy, and I was living every day just for of being on this planet. She asked me if I was a Christian and I told her I was and she asked me if I could read plasm 23 and I did, and I broke down into tears. Now you could be an atheist for all I know so I wont ask that of you. She asked me if I could make a pledge and I told her I would, she ask me if I could change my life and I told her I would. You have never met me and I cannot ask anything of you but you need to make a pledge to change your life. You need to learn to live again but most of all you need to learn to love yourself again. No will love you unless you learn to love yourself first. I promise to say a prayer for you tonight so you that you know that if you don't believe on yourself I will. I hope you recover.

[SandonS terrors]

Thankyou for

Your kind word and truthful words It is hard to tell you of my whole situaton and you have only got pieces so you can only judge or offer advice on what i give. I would write a novel if i was to tell you the whole thing but i can't. Plussome things you try tokeep personal.

I was very positive when found the girl of my dreams. I just don't know what happened. But i can say frusration because i am a decent guy nd loving caring etc. Everything was great with us.Se thought i was the best guy ever. But other parts of my life were going down. This lead me to thinking i was not wrhy of her. his was pani setting in and i got frustrated as to why i treated her this way.

It was me doubtig me when i didn't have to. But anxiety is something as you know that sets in wenever and wherever. Usually triggered by something. Me feeling down that i wasn't doing right was the trigger.

My ex herself has her own self worth issues but she is a very positive happy person at the same time. Her exes from what she told me treated her bad, really bad. It took awhile for her to open up to me and know i was a god guy. Then panic set in but i never knew i had this problem. I only picked it up beause of the same patterns i was doing from my past relationship. Then i got frustrated with myself and panic more because i knew i was treating someone with such a beautiful heart in this way. It only happened about four times because we were so happy but it was enough for her to bail. Iguess she put me in the same catergory as her 2 past guys who really did treat this sensitive girl bad. On became a drug addict behind her back. He is her son father. That messed her up. The next was off and on over 6 years he cheated on her and was controlling. I guess what i did seemed controlling but it wasn't what i intented . It isn't me. I am a happy person who does anything fo anyone. Laid back but i have anxious moments usually when frustated about things or inactive. I am usually a very active person

I got even more frustrated and panic and went into a major depression as well because i jus wantd her to see the real me. The guy i was. As for my work. It was part of the problem of me doubting whether i could be good for her. It is still going on now. I had an employee who was also my friend. I own my own business this is why it was so traumatic. This company have been going great for years and are now falling to pieces because of world trade.

As they were going good i decided to upgrade and am now in debt. If they go i go bankrupt and lose everything i have ever worked for including furniture etc. Just to pay the debt. I have worked hard for twenty years because i left home at 15. My only friend and my employee got pissed off about money but i do not make that much trust me. I paid him over $2 an hour more then the award i had to pay plus an overtime deal. We most of the time drove to our work so he had it pretty easy. In fact my ex worked for me after he left and she loved it. i paid her less and she was happy. Although it was better for our business plans that way.

So i lost him as a friend then i had to find someone else when i was already snowed under. I had to get my kids that weekend. Everything was driving me nuts. Anyway my new emloyee was meant to do a job so i could get my kids. He kept missing it. I knew it wasn't his fault but it still drove me nuts because the mum of my kids and i were still arguing about thing so i didn't need to piss her off.

That was the day everything got to me really bad and i had a look on my face obviously then my ex asked what was wrong i know that look. i said bloody employee never this that etc. She said i couldn't blame him he had been thrown in the deep end. As i was already panickig i lashed out and said he is so great at everything. I really withdrew that day and was so scared to lose her because of everything and then she said that. It wasn't her fault and she never meant anything by it and i can tell you it isn't jealousy because my employee is near 60 years old. That was the end of us. I know she was right but when you have an attack you do not think straight.

As for god i asked for her and he gave her to me but i also asked for no problems. It was enough for her for the last time that i couldn't make it up to her. A week before i said i wanted to goto a counsellor because i didn't want to hurt her anymore. Sh meant to much to me and i couldn't see why i was attacking a sweet beautiful girl with this crap when i was all she wanted. but i was already losing her obvoiously and it was too late.

After i tried to commit suicide but i tell you it was because the last thing to happen my daughter who was living with me wanted mum and put on the biggest fight to goto mum another story altogether about that but i then had noone. I decided i had had enough hooked the hose up to the car drank a full bottle of wild turkey and sat there. I wasn't suicidal but giving up. I know what it is like to be sicidal and it was completely different. It was taking too long so went inside swallowed a bottle of Ibuprofen and went to bed. Got woken up by knocking at the door. Jumped up was going to kill em. I didn't even remembr what i had done and still had fight left in me. It was the cops to drag me to hospital. That is when i stayed in the mental ward for the night. Got anti-depressants but like you say no amount of drugs can take away how i feel about losing my girl. I went crazy i asked for forgiveness basically bombarded her and never gave her space. Funny thing i am usually the guy that know these rules and gives a girl space. I had lost the plot basically because everything just crumbled with in a few weeks. It was ridiculous how everything just went bad like someone put a curse on me. To top it off the tax department were afer money which i had already paid.

They rang and told me they found it in the wrong account after we broke up of course. I was paying more money to them then i had to which caused me money problems even worsening how down i was and how i felt i was no good for her.

After when i lost it was when i really did the damage and i believe i lost her for good because of it. She didn't want a looney around with her son. I was going ok and tried talking to her she cried because se really did love me but she couldn't go back. She gave me a big hug as if to say goodbye. I was so frustrated with myself for not chilling and calming but i was losing everything and the one thing that meant the most was her. It killed me on the inside. I can't give up my work i like the work and i am in debt and it has been going ok now after the break of course. but there is still drama with it. It got better after which amazed me how everythng kinda got better except us. I even talk to my kids mum like friends now. She actually stays here sometimes, nothing sexual, funny how you have to mention that because of what some people think. Just the one thing in my life that was everything complete is now gone. I was happy in myself and everything but things out of my control got me down because i get great inner happiness making my immdiate family happy. Like my girl and my kids. I can't explain why but everyone is different and that is what makes me happy within myself. I never got too clingy and all that with my ex. It only happened when i had an attack. It could be weeks and we were loving and perfect then bang! have a attack. So i understand how it comes across as jealousy or possessive etc but it isn't. It is usualy a five minute thing where as usual with the panic you sit later and think why did i do that.

I have been in constant shakes and everything for six months. I am trying positive things like doing this and meditation techniques. I am trying but it is slow because i am grieving as well and when i grieve it might be for two hours or all day. Most of the day i kick myself or litterally hit myself thinking i have lost someone i dreamed of meeting. It is rare to meet someone so perfect to you maybe not to everyone. I kinda kick myself for it. I am working hard and trying to keep my mind off things. Usually when i am having a downer i write on here or submit a poem or look up relationship blogs or cry. Sometimes it is too much so i goto bed put the headphones on with relaxation music and goto sleep.

That is another thing i hate those pills for they make me sleepy and when the kids are here they get bored. Now that is causing problems because i had to start taking them in the morning because i would goto sleep and wake up bad. It was better to be awake with the effects then to sleep it off as if nothing was helping me.

I can't move closer to the kids because i had to get away from that place. We both moved here but when we broke up she went back to family. I don't care about the driving but i guess it is hard on the kids. Sometimes i stay there for them. I know the clubs but it is hard when i can not give a definate finish time for me with my own business. Also i am considering going up a bit further where there is mauy Thai classes which is my usual club. I guess when you are down its getting the motivation again to get up and go on type thing.

I work in chilcare as maintenance so can meet plenty of girls as friends but it is only fortnghly visits for maximum 4 hours each. Plus i want to meet guys so i can talk guy things. Girls are great to talk to as well but it isn't your usual 9 to 5 job where you know everyone and can become friends. It is a bit of chit chat. Thats another thing i know of hundreds of women and none do it for me so that should tell you how much my girl meant. In fact they never did even before her.

So don't get me wrong i am trying and i am praying and asking and trying to do positive things to make things right. I also hope i get a miracle and my girl sees i was going through bad times and it was only small. I guess it interfered with her own issues andseemed bigger then what it had become.

She hated men before me. It was almost like i was her girlfriend. I mean she knew i was a boy and did boy things but her words were i have never had a guy like you before. This is why i am so frustated. She thought i was the best so this, that wasn't that bad and i had identified i neded help with must have seemed such a big deal to her. Its like she sensed he is like the others get rid of him. We didn't go out that long but it was enough to pln the rest of our lives together. We were going into business together as well buying property. It was great. It wasn't as bad as it sounds but i guess it was.

As for praying i do not hold anything against anybodies religion either spiritual or whatever. I have my beliefs and yes i ask god or the gods and i ask the universe and i also have lucky rocks and necklaces. I don't like mormons etc preaching after you have asked them to leave. I think that is rude. I mean i can believe in god etc. but i do i in my own way.

I have been to church but it bored me. If it bores you then you aren't learning. I am not familar with the bible but have rea bits and pieces here and there. I am not an athiest so to speak because i do ask god questions. Lately they haven't been very nice because i asked why he gave her to me. If it was to find out i needed help with depression then why her? It really has made me rethink things a bit. Some say it is a lesson but to me what lesson that i can never be with the one i call perfect for me.

Iknow there are other girls but i don't want other girls. I was happy enough. Apart from my anxiety lapses. We never fought about anything at all. We didn't even fight when i said something stupid with an attack. We more or less walked away. I found peace with her. That is what i wanted. Not quite but peace. No testy girl, happy bubbly and also fit and wanting to do things i always wanted to do without me even telling her. For instance she said we should goto a one day cricket match just to do it. Those have been my words forever to myelf and she said it to me. Not just that once but many times. Like our first date she said want to go climb a mountain. I stood there lost for words. Then said yeah sure. It shocked me se wanted to do something like that. Plus the way she never liked men plus she once said if you want to go through my cupboards you can i have nothing to hide or if i wanted to look at her email and delete anything i found offensive i could. I didn't do this of course, we hadn't been together long then so thought i couldn't do that. But the point is those words actually heped me with my anxiety problem. My ex after 4 years of living together and having kids still thought her phone or whatever was hers. I know it was but i didn't care if she looked in mine or anything. Or even if it was to see which girl rang. It was ours to me. I had nothing to hide. We were a family, no secrets. This didn't help me with her. It made me worse. oh, it ws sweet heaven to here those words not asked for or not as if anythig happened for her to have to say those things. She had many many other reasons as well that just made me so happy this is why letting her go is my ultimate problem now. I just can't do it. I try to then i try to be positive that maybe we will gt another cance. Or i will get another great girl. I just am dead though. I look at other girls and try to talk like on dating sites but none take my eye. She wasn't the best looking girl to the standards but even her looks were similar to what i alway dreamed of. She is like my soulmate and i am so frustrated that my anxiety ruined it. So after an attack we would walk off then talkd later about it later. I tried to explain to her but i could never work out what was going on. Not until i saw the counsellor and she put it into words for me. It was too late though damn it.

I have tried to put more of the story up so you get a better idea. I know it is hard like you said that we don't know each other and you don't know what has really happened. See she also didn't really know my life and why i was like this. She still thinks i wore a mask but i guess i did. I wore it on top of my head beause i didn't know it was there then it fell onto my face. if she would only read up on anxiety or have just opened her heart agin for a second she would see the true guy she is really losing. The one she said she never had before. The one she thought was the best. I can't expect her to be there but if i was so great to her working through this going to counselling before i got out of conrol like now, she would understand and see it wasn't her. I think she feels it was her as she has her own complex. I mean this woman has an athletic body but not too muscelly. She is fit and perfectly formed female. She has a problem with her body that she had trouble showing it to me. She was a size 8 which is very small over here. 8 to 10 is perect over here. 12 14 16 is average and bit bigger which is my kids mums size. I was in love with her too so her body to me was so beautiful. She had to get drunk the first few times to have sex because of her not because i was ugly. She wouldn't do it on top of me because i would see her lower body. I loved it and i made sure she knew. I guess we had everything perfect including our self worth issues. Thing is those issues hurt us. Now it is like we are enemies and i never wanted that at all.

I have asked the heavens for it not to get any worse please. But everytime i have asked for something with this it has gotten worse. That is why i say the positive is queer.

We used to get our astrology daily report and ours was like it was backwards it would say things like you 2 need to sort some issues when we were absolutely happy etc. After we broke up i read one and hers said whats with your new good looking neighbour go try some small talk. That happened first. I was her new neighbour and she came over and asked some stupid things to get me to notice her.

I still say someone has playe with my life and cursed me. We were so happy and great and if you knew what had happened it wasn't something that most couples would break up over. I swear i wasn't that bad and my new employee came with us once and he couldn't understand eiher. A week before this was and he said she was wrapped in you he could tell. One of her friend a few weeks before said it was so good to see a couple as happy as us. I just don't understand. It is like maybe she was cursed or something. I have never thought of that. Maybe i should get a reverse curse spell put on her ha!!.

[Carla]

Ok can I say something here? This is prob not what you want to hear but you can choose not to take it in...Your ex left you, you are grieving, grieve and then let it go. She didnt want to be with you. Accept it. Its hard but its life and it happens. We have all prob lost people who we loved and who we wanted to stay but they left and we carry on thorugh the pain and the heartache and life goes on. She chose not to stay and you have to respect that no matter how much you think she should have stayed with you. You have your 4 children who should be the most important people in your life, more than any ex girlfriend. Live for them! They are what is important in your life.
This has nothing to do with God. We cant just ask God for the perfect partner and to fulfill us.! Maybe he brought her into your life and took her away for a reason. The reason being that you look at how you are behaving and seek help for it and to also help yourself too. If you dont change you will get more of the same in future rships. You say you want no other woman than your ex. That will fade eventually. You say you are looking at dating sites. Why? to meet another woman who you can go thro the same old routine again with due to how anxiety makes you behave in rships. Take time out and resolve those anxiety issues within your rships and then when you start another rship you can be that different person to how you used to be. You want your ex back. We all want things we cant have. I would like Brad Pitt but its not going to happen really is it? Your ex had her own issues. Maybe she wants a guy who is easygoing all the time after her past r'ships and I dont blame her. I have been there and after a lot of disastrous rships, any guy that I got to know who had any kind of emotional issue I would run a mile from. I have my own anxiety issues, I dont need someone who has them too. That may sound bad but it is nice to have a calm relaxed person around in your life you when you are suffering with anxiety. You have to respect her decision to leave no matter how hard it is for you. Pick yourself up when you feel ready to and throw yourself back into life. Only you can decide if you will do that or not. We all have awful things happen in our life and we are all struggling with our own problems in some way and we can seek help and we can help ourselves or we can give up. It is as simple as that. I wish you all the best in coming to terms with what has happened and hope that you begin to feel happier again.

[SandonS terrors]

I know what you are saying and i have been there with my other ex and it was hard but i managed to move on. This time seems so much harder and i don't expect anyone to believe me or care. You have had your problems with relationships as well. Did you have anyone to confide in someone you trust. I am alone and i can't just make new friends to talk about my problems. That is why i am here to talk to people with similar problems.

Well at the moment i only have my ex from my kids which is not a good thing either. You want brad pitt but you know nothing of who he really is. I am wanting a simple girl. Yeah at one time i wanted Angelina Jolly but that is just media garbage making stars out to be super human when there are just as good looking people in the world if not better. It is there roles that make them look like a stud or kitten. Not who they are. Look at how many get married and divorced so how much better are they then us. All i want is a plain girl like i had. i know she has moved on and i am accepting it but not happy with it. She may run a mile but because like i said you do not really know the full situation, you really have no idea what we shared.

I also said i can't expect her to be with because i hurt her feelings in a previous post, I know that. i guess this is my vent. You say you would run a mile if someone had anxiety . Then in the next sentence you want someone to be comforting with your anxiety. To me you sound selfish in that reguard.

I too only want someone to be lenient but i have also said it is the fear of loss. Just one to stay would be good for me. Everytime i lose it gets worse. If i had someone who i thought i could lose and i got help but they stayed it would get better. How can i fix myself when i have lost. Or by myself. I wouldn't know if i was doing anything wrong be able to deal with it. Also i have had girlfriends and never had the anxiety attacks. In fact the last girl before her took me to strip shows and everything and i never had any attack whatsoever. It is only when i fall deep in love that it happens

I am grieving and if you must know i grieved for a long time over my kids mum. Over a year. I was able to move on though and eventually i found this girl or she found me. That is when i had trully gotten over her. I look on dating sites because i am trying to move on. I only ask for friends anyway. There are a lot of things people ask of god but do they get ridiculed. I asked for a nice happy girl like a soulmate. You i bet have asked for a nice handsome guy one to love and protect or something so you shouldn't judge what i ask for. People ask for cars or money I ask for the most pure of all and it is a crime. LOVE. I also ask to make everything alright, whether that be i find an new girl and it is better or i get over her or anything, I don't care what it is but something to make it better. Some days when i am having a real downer i do ask if i can have her back. I guess that is a part of grieving though. I know m head is lost at the moment I guess that is why ask for gods help. I also ask my spirit guides for help. Maybe they are helping me i don't know yet. My head is too muddled to know that yet.

I have anxiety that leads into this grieving which makes me more anxious because of the one thing i am anxious about. I don't expect anyone to understand that. I have only met one other person who does much the same as i do and we talked for hours about it. She gets so bad she picks her arms to pieces. when people with anxiety don't understand what i get anxious about what hope is there. My other problem is i want to be in love so much which makes me a push pull. Thats probably why i was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. Because of the complexities of what my problem is. I am anxious about loss but also grieving over loss. I also want to find love or get that love back. I have a double or triple whammy and it has killed me. On the top side both these girls in fact even the ones i never felt true butterflies for have said i am one of a kind, My kids mum said a couple months ago this to me and asked if i really ever loved her and i did. She was still lost about me. This ex said she never had a guy like me before and at first because of her own isses she held back. I knew i was falling for her and i didn't want to hurt so i said maybe we should cool it because of those reasons. She wrapped her arms around me and said you aren't going anywhere i am keeping you. I guess my problem has its advantages as well because i know how to treat a woman right. It is that 5% of an attack every now and then that ruins the real me. They do not see it this way though and that is why i am so frustrated now. They see it as jealousy or something. Or trust issues

We all grieve different and i guess this has finally tip me over the edge. She blocks out. Basically she will not look at me or talk or anything so i don't exist to her. That is how she deals with it. Which is oposite to me. That side of each of us bugs each other. I know she has gone and i accept that but i can also live in hope that maybe we could meet again. There is a book called Retrieve your lover in four easy steps. This woman shows how most breakup gurus tell you to get over your ex but they never tell you to win them back. They also say get over her but what if i don't want to get over her. This woman got her ex back after 8 months. I know my ex was with her ex for 1 year broke up then back after a year broke up for a year and a half went back for a year so she is a good candidate to be able to win back especially if she thought of me like she did. I don't say it will happen or that i won't try to move on. At least with noone here to guide me i am trying to find a way to get my life back in order so it is more attractive to her or someone else. I don't know how to do that yet because i did all the steps with my kids mum and we got back together but this time i am finding it hard like i don't want to go through this again. Plus noone to talk with.

I know she has her own issues and the point i tried to make is i scared her off when it is unintentional because of her past i guess. Until she works out who she has really lost when i am standig tall again then....

Like i said you don't know what we shared and i know she is gone but i also know not only do i not want to ruin a relationship again, i want to find a way to get over her and also get her back if i can.

Saying you want Brad pitt is something most people come back with . You say to be positive but then say a lot of people want what they can't have. That isn't positive at all. That is negative. If you want a million dollars and you believe, then you will probably get it but if you say i want a million dollars but i know i can't get it then you will never get it. I could find a way to woo her again like i did before. How do you know i can't and you shouldn't really tell me i can't. I have heard of people getting back together after 4 years etc. just know in my frame of mind at the moment i can't. As soon as i find my way if i can then i will be able to probably talk sensibly and that could be all it takes. Maybe she may find help for her self issues and then realise we could have fixed it. Noone knows what happens. I always do subliminal messages. I also said God gave her to me when i asked and took her away, supposedly for a lesson. Like you said to find out i needed help but i just didn't want it to be her now. It is a heartche that it couldn't have been the girl before her so then i would be right for this girl. She is not one i wanted to lose. I can feel that way. I know i put her up on a pedestal which probably stuff my chances up with her But now i don't do anything because everything else hasn't helped or worked. I know i may have to grasp the fact she is gone and move on but there is always you never know.

Basically that sentence you would run too, you judge me as someone to run from and don't look back. But you have no idea who i am. You don't know that i am a Brad Pitt look alike. You have anxiety, are you running from you too?

[Carla]

Hi again
Last post from me...Maybe some of the others can relate to you on the forum and reply to you? Being positive does not mean that you can ask for what you want and get it. I meant be positive as in trying to look ahead and not allowing yourself to get too down. I realise you are hurting deeply, but sometimes we have to realise we cant always have what we want and we have to deal with it and carry on and move forward. You have to respect your ex's decision if she doesnt want to get back with you., whether you like it or not, however painful it is for you. That is her decision even if you think she should come back to you. Maybe you will get back together if it is meant to be but if not then obviously its not meant to be. You may one day find someone who you like even more but at the moment that is not what you want to hear, as you want your ex. It takes time but you will eventually recover from all this hurt and pain that you are going through. I wish you all the best for the future.
Take care of yourself!

[brittypixi]

i know that this time must be really difficult for you, but you have to understand that it is going to be okay, i KNOW that it doesn't seem like that now, im sure you are scared and stressed out beyond belief but you will be okay. if you don't end up with this girl, then you are going to find another who will amaze you and you won't know what hit you! i am a believer that everything happens for a reason and if you break up with someone and you don't end up together then that is what is supposed to happen in your life and there is someone out there that is better for you. i understand how anxiety can really screw up a relationship, i am having the same problems. but it will get better, don't worry!

[ifigureditout]

SandonS, my step-father was an alcoholic, he tortured me. My mother was raised by an alcoholic, she is not a smart woman, she doesn't realize her faults, she did little but judge me as her alcoholic father judged her. At 19 I fell in love, the only time I've been in love, I'm 31 now. She saved me, I quit meth, I moved out of my parent's abusive home. I felt whole, happy, excited about life. She was docile, would not confront our issues. Eventually anxiety started to come over me, I didn't know what it was back then, she wouldn't talk to me about it, I began to resent her. Eventually, a combination of inexperience and what I didn't understand to be anxiety ended that relationship. Before it even ended I was in some sort of numb haze, shortly after I realized what I had done and that I had lost her. The panic attack was horrendous, I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either. I felt like such a failure, here I had finally found the thing that made my life complete, the thing I had always been waiting for, and I screwed it up...

It's been 10 years since then, I remember how much I loved her, but I don't miss her anymore. I don't even miss what we had. Don't get me wrong, it was incredible, I kind of wish I missed it, if that makes any sense, to feel that wonderful way again. But I can look back now and see just how tortured I was as a person and how I had no idea how human nature plays into all of this. I learned so much about myself from that experience. I can see you are learning as well. It took me a number of relationships to get to where I am now. Remember, they are not failed relationships, relationships don't have a set time period, we enjoy the time we can, and we learn what we can about ourselves.