Is this an anxiety disorder?

[kkeni]

Hi all,

let me start by saying that I always knew that something ni my thought process, in my brain was not right. Does not work the way it should. I've been trying to figure out what it is for at least ten years. I've been in therpay for a little while, but never received a diagnosis.

I always thought people who have anxiety and panic disorders are people who never leave the house, are afraid of social interaction, and the like; or OCD . That is not me. I am outgoing and like to be the center of attention.

BUT I am abnormally afraid of criticism. It has gotten better, but I will still go to lengths to avoid uncomfortable talks or situations. When I was 18, a really good friend wanted to talk to me abuot a critical matter. I avoided her from that moment on and never talked to her again. That was not a conscious decision. I lost a whole group of friends because I wanted to avoid this talk.

I also am pathologically afraid my boyfriend is going to take advantage of me (he is an amazing person, we've been together for over 5 years and he has never done that). For some reason, my mother planted that thought into me that you always need to watch out for yourself when it comes to men. At the most random moments, the thoughts will form in my head and I burst into rage. Like when I unloaded the diswasher and he didn't.

We do have a good relationship, but disagree on some issues -travel is one of them. I'd rather travel all the time, he'd rather never travel. At times, thoughts are building up in my head and exploding into panic and I'm like "I'll NEVER travel! We're gonna be stuck her forever! We're never gonna see anything!".

Another trait is that I try to forcefully make things happen because I am afraid I am going to miss out. I always wanted to make the "perfect" events happen (graduation, birthdays, etc.) but I've gotten better at just going with the flow and enjoying the moment. When I was younger, I would be crushed because person x didn't show up and the event wasn't exactly as I imagined. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at all.

Being criticized at work is hell for me. I usually resort to either working so well no one can criticize me at all or just not even trying so I know what's going to happen but I am "in control". Not sure if this makes any sense.

I'd be very grateful for any insight.

Thank you in advance.

[mindglobe]

I think it could be a self-esteem problem.

[drinae]

I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist so can't really offer a diagnosis, but here's a thought: Have you looked at schema therapy? I recently read a book about that and it really helped me understand some of my own thinking patterns, not from the point of view of what disorder I might have (anxiety etc.) but from the point of view of where my patterns of thinking are coming from. Difficulty with being criticized was one of the things the book talked about. I can't recommend the specific book I read because it is not in English, but there are probably other, similar schema therapy books out there.

[cloudy black]

hello kkeni
i have gone through life and not done various things and i couldn't even tell you why. yesterday i came across this.
have a l00k at this and see what you think http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/executive-function.

with regs to the boyfriend sounds like very poor self-esteem. your mom is just trying to protect you have you asked her why she said that though. if he wont travel then maybe at times you will just have to go with friends instead. i know that is not what you want. but if travel is important to you..

you also sound like you have perfectionist issues which isn't unusual with low self esteem

Being criticized at work is hell for me. I usually resort to either working so well no one can criticize me at all or just not even trying so I know what's going to happen but I am "in control". Not sure if this makes any sense.

yes i so struggled with that very same issue and responded in the same way you do. the only way to resolve this is to communicate with people. you cant expect people to mind read you! dont kid yourself that you are in control but the communication bit is important. you cant change a situation unless you communicate clearly and that may take you some thinking through. how about just brain storm on some paper at home to help you see what you need to talk about this will help you not to fall into the emotional trap. when we communicate it is usually best to state the facts and not get into she did this she did that ...( using a example to help -even if she did! that would be her own responsibility anyway!)

[kkeni]

Thanks for your answers, everyone.

drinae - I actually came across schmea therapy only recently and had been looking for a therapist working with schema therapy. Following your suggestion, I have now started a bok on schema therapy.

cloudy black - The weird thing is I do not actually have low self-esteem at all. Maybe in some regards I do though. I just never thought I did because I always liked the way I look, never had an eating disorder, am outgoing, like to talk to people (these are the things I associate with low self-esteem).

I will check out the link you offered. It looks very interesting.