Can I Trust My Mind?

[salvator here]

I've been struggling bad lately and going back and forth with my thoughts and ideas. I know I'm disassociating every day and feeling totally lost and constantly re-reasoning out issues that I thought were long settled (and should be). Somehow (luckily) a the end of the day, I am able to make the right decisions and prevent myself from making the worse decisions and do something I will seriously regret and not be able to take back. Sometimes my mind tells me to do something something suspiciously drastic that could be disastrous and foolish, but when I get this way, my thoughts seem so right and Its just shear luck that I'm prevented from acting upon these destructive thoughts. When this feeling is over, I'm so relieved I did not act upon those thoughts. I'm know I'm not in good shape right now mentally, and I'm getting really worried. If I lose my mind this time around, there is no coming back!

I'm sorry in advance if I'm making little sense, but I'm in distress at the moment and worried. I'm not sure what I'm even asking here, but I hope I can get a handle on this. I fear the worst, sad to admit!

My mind is brilliant, logical and always airs on the side of caution, but when this happens to me, I could conceivably wind up throwing all caution to the wind in just a strong thought. I don't know when to trust my mind anymore.

I will in fact even regret creating this thread tomorrow. I don't even know how to fully explain what I'm feeling now and I have nobody to talk to that would even understand anyway.

[salvator here]

Its getting so bad, that when I snap out of "it", I don't know who that person was...

[salvator here]

I don't think anybody can actually help me out with this. I'm going to trust my mind. The only reason I will go ahead and trust my mind is because my judgment is sound. When I feel my judgment is askew, I will have no choice but to speak to somebody. I used to have 1 friend that I could bounce ideas off of, but now I have nobody, so I rely on my inner voice. Luckily, I'm not impulsive by nature, so hopefully this will "save me"

Wherever you go, there you are..

[sawman556]

I sometimes feel like I'm on a emotional roller coaster which gives me scarey thoughts. I always try to tell myself that it's just a temporary feeling that will pass, so all I need to do is get through the moment. This has always worked for me since I'm still here, but it is a terrible feeling. I'll sometimes text or call a good friend if I'm feeling really bad. I encourage you to call a friend or hotline if it gets too bad. I'm going through some rough stuff at the moment, so you're not alone.

[salvator here]

I sometimes feel like I'm on a emotional roller coaster which gives me scarey thoughts. I always try to tell myself that it's just a temporary feeling that will pass, so all I need to do is get through the moment. This has always worked for me since I'm still here, but it is a terrible feeling. I'll sometimes text or call a good friend if I'm feeling really bad. I encourage you to call a friend or hotline if it gets too bad. I'm going through some rough stuff at the moment, so you're not alone.Thank you your reply, I'm sorry you can relate. Truth is, I have nobody to contact. When I do send out am email/text and reach out for help, I don't get a reply so I just stopped even bothering with people anymore. I've always only had 1 person to rely-on/count-on and that is myself.

I will admit I had to call a suicide hotline twice this year already, but its sort of fruitless for m, I don't want to die! I'm a fighter and I will get up each and every time I'm knocked down, worse for wear, irregardless. I'll try to remember that its a temporary feeling - it does always pass. Just as I say, I'm glad I don't act upon some of my destructing thoughts. Today was no different, my mind was all over the place and I've been trying to pick a position and stick to it, but its been a struggle.

Over the next few upcoming months, I'm going to need to focus 200% of my energy on getting back on my feet. I've been down a long time, so I know it will be a fight. I will have to trust my mind as its gotten my this far with little help from others. I feel as I've been through the ringer, chews up and spit out. So I will put together whats left of me, and carry on forward. I don't have any grandiose expectations, I can be satisfied with a humble life with little in the way of possessions/belongings. Currently, I'm just roaming around aimlessly and without direction. I think I just desire stability.

It does help to know I'm not alone - not because misery loves company - for we can support each and improve our situations during the rough times.

[Other shoe]

You certainly sound like you have good judgment. You trust your mind and therefore trust yourself. You are a fighter and this is very commendable. I too have faced the ugly world my mind can spin out and feel hopeless, reckless, and alone. But as I say, it is my mind spinning it, not the truth. This part of your mind you do not want to trust but question. You know you are capable so when the mind says you are bad it is not right. I fight my evil inner voice when it makes me feel down about myself. I look back on the positive and prove this voice is false and in the way. You are dealing with painful emotions and I commend you for your fight. I respect what you are going through, I respect who you are as a person, and I completely feel your pain as I have experienced enough of it! You have my support and compassion. You said it will pass-it will! Pat yourself on the back for your efforts, you deserve it!

[sawman556]

I find it hard to "pat myself on the back." It's good advice, and most of us could probably use a little more practice in doing so.

[salvator here]

Other shoe ~ I just want to let you know your posting touched my heart and restored faith that there are still good people left in this world. I can only hope to actually meet people such as yourself in my journey, and someday be lucky enough to have a friend such as yourself. I hope you will accept my friend request here and I would really like to chat with you sometime if possible if time permits.

sawman556 ~ Thank you for your care and I greatly appreciate you taking the time when you are going through a rough time yourself. I also have a hard time patting myself on the back. Its hard to appreciate what we've accomplished when the road ahead is seems so long and distant. We spend more time beating ourselves up actually instead of seeing just how far we've come. I also hope you will accept my friend request.

I won't ever give up, not so long as there is breath left in me. I can see it and visualize where I want to be every day. I lost it for years and was willing to just wait to die. I was sleeping my days (years) away. It was only recently I got my vision back and decided to not give in so willingly. I have a long hard road ahead, but it will be so worth it WHEN I get to where I want (and deserve) to be in life. I think people that have been to 'hell and back' become much more compassionate and understanding. We see things much differently than people that are just playing the game. I was never just willing to play the game mindlessly.

I hope to chat with you both sometime and see if we could be a support to each other when it feels like nobody listens; or cares.

[Boo Bass]

In short, the mind has a mind its own. When idle it can come up with all sorts of nonsense especially memories. If you can tell the difference between negative thoughts and useful thoughts then you know you are not going crazy.

However, I believe that fighting these useless thoughts is the wrong approach. You need to accept and even mock them consciously, change your relationship with these thoughts. Then your anxiety will lessen.

I recommend an excellent self help book which has just come out.

The Worry Trick
David Carbonell

Easy to read and he knows what he's talking about

[salvator here]

Hi Boo Bass.

Ordinarily I wouldn't reply so quickly, but I've been sitting here struggling and retracing 4 postings I was about to make. I've saved them in my text editor on my computer. Honestly, you will be surprised when you see what I've been retracting. I'm going to go ahead and post in now, and it is indeed a struggle with the useless thoughts. I DESPERATELY needed your posting right now, and I will sleep tonight because I'm too drained mentally to even comprehend anything more at this point. I will research that book tomorrow and give more thought about not just dismissing and fighting this useless voices, rather to accept and either reason them out, or as you say, mock and not give them validity and credibility.

Again, appreciate your posting as I am really struggling badly with wanting to just throw in the towel...

~~~Retracted Posting~~~~

This is more of a posting to myself.

I'm reading everything that everyone has giving me for advice (in this thread and other threads as well). I'm reading the words and thinking about how I will apply this information to my life. I understand it and want it to be true, but my mind keeps drifting into the land of negativity and I start to feel beaten down by life. My mind keeps shifting on me and I really need a firm belief system. There is this place in my mind that keeps saying you'll never make it, that is for other people, not you. Sadly, I still listen to this voice. This voice has been my only company for most of my life and I know it well. This voice is also telling me that I MUST conform to society, or I will forever live a life of isolation. I don't like even entertaining this way of thinking. The pressure is like an elephant sitting on my chest, and Its take me to such a dark and lonely place that I'm so desperately trying to pull myself up from. The thing is, this pit has become my familiar safe zone. I've spent much of my life masking my illness with alcohol and pills and I can not go back to that again to cope. That will take another 10 years off of my life, and for first time in ages, I feel human again - worse for the wear nonetheless. I need for this to be more than words on a screen. These are real people here, and there is real emotion and care behind the words. I must allow myself to believe and accept that I deserve a better life. I just need to give this a chance. I was out and about earlier today and I was seeing myself against the wold again. I am not sure how to be a lone wolf and still feel and still be a part of society. My belief system is so poisoned from 42 years of struggling with things others take for granted. The people I selected as role models were in total contradiction, and I never was able to correctly express myself. I was always molding myself and it was exhausting.

As I say, I need to unload the years worth of baggage that's been weighing me down here. So scattered...there is so much more, but this need to come out now.

[Boo Bass]

junior-anxiety-depression-exchange.org.uk/relax.html

Hi Salvator

Please find the above link and scroll down to the 4 free talks by Claire Weekes. Go straight to number 3. Everything you are experiencing will be explained. Then listen to the whole lot takes about 80 minutes. I guarantee it will help you right now. I don't have enough posts to post the full link just put a www before

BB

[salvator here]

Thank you Boo for the link - very helpful :)

I can see it clear as a bell (I can feel it / taste it / smell it). I want it - a real life like others have! I deserve it. Its just soo far ahead in the distance and sometimes its blurry and I can't see it anymore. I worry it will fade away. Do I just keep my foot on the gas and drive until the car runs out of gas and hope for the best? I don't even know where I'm going and have no clear direction.

I have nobody in my court, nobody pulling for me (I don't mean here - in real life). The world doesn't want me to succeed. It feels like every force in the world is against me. My own mind is against me in fact!

I'm am imprisoned by my own penitentiary - my own mind!!!

[brfoo]

Hey :)

Don't make yourself beleive the world is against you! It is not. It is a place where sadness and hapiness coexist. There are opportunities waiting for you to grab. I know you can have a life you want. I totally beleive in it. I read some of your comments and you seem a kind and clever guy to me! You deserve it. :) Sometimes just focus on the now, the little thing you can make in the present to help you go forward. These little things will add up eventually. There was a time, when I barely went out to the street. I felt like I was ugly, I just didn't want people to judge me to speak to me. Silly, right? Nowdays I travel, visit friends and so on... I still have these feelings though. But at that time I hit a financial low where I either had to find work or give up.(Sometimes life pushing you can be a great force to do things) I was lucky, my friend helped me (I was totally stressed about the whole job thing). So I found work and I had to go there every day. This was an external force, but you know what? I got used to it. The feelings still bother me, but don't limit me anymore. Now I am on the job hunt again, but without this experience I would not be able to go to interivews.

Sometimes just go with the flow (if it is a positive thing- don't listen to the negatives). Just decide to take a walk, step outside and go, enjoy the sunshine, the snow, the wind or the rain falling on your face making you feel alive, do not think about it. Do it as quickly as you can. It won't hurt you as you might think. Same with everything else. We do put too much thinking and analyzing into things and limit ourselves from experiencing life.

I beleive life gets to us and gives us opportunities. It is up to us to grab them (and kick anxiety in the ass) :)

Well these are not only for anxiety, but I would really recommend to read the following: F**k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way by John C. Parkin and The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle :) They did not change my life, but helped me get new perspective on things.

"A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter." /God granting miracles/

Sorry for the rambling, I just really wanted you to feel you are not alone and we here beleive in you!

[Alexandra Constantin]

Dearest Salvator, you are going through so much, it is understandable you are really shaken up. I will apologies for my English, it is not my native language, but hope you will be able to make something out of what I am saying. I don't want you to feel as if you are exposed and other posters are here to judge you, point fingers, or even offer advice, as if they are in a much better place then you are. It might make you feel what you expressed earlier, that the 'good world' is available to everyone else but you. It is not the case, think of the whole world, there are people in all kinds of life situations, worse or better then yours. People that would have snapped, going through what you are experience, and people that would have gotten better. It doesn't matter, you are the only one who matters in your own reality. it seems to me, that while you have a very clear and sound way of thinking, you tend to rely on what others do, what others have, while you feel alone, with no one around for help. Drawing on my personal experience, I am in a very good place NOW, but have been much much worse just a few years ago. The good world, wasn't allowed to me as well, then. It is just a matter of time, as time is another dimension which can be added when you do this kind of comparison. You can and should think at yourself when you were in your worst, and yet have gotten better, through your sheer will power. And let me tell you another thing, you are part of this world that seems against you. You are matter, you are energy, you are part of it. You helped yourself get better, then the world has helped you get better. It is just a matter of mastering what this world has given you and recognizing when YOU have made a difference, and being proud of yourself for that. I am absolutely sure (because all of us tend to do this) that if you focused as much on the good things you have achieved, as much as you do on your negatives, you would find out that you are a wonderful person (yes, that negative voice included). Cliche, I know but YOU are the answer, nobody else, and it's hard, and tiring, but you know what ? It is extremely rewarding. And you are not alone, just ask for help, wanna be friends? I am here, tell me everything, I am a master of not judging :D and believe me I have my fair share of worries, problems, things that may make you think, wow, glad I didn't act like her :D

[Alexandra Constantin]

Sorry Salvator, it seems I cannot answer until I have 10 or more posts :D Actively working on it :)