How to just accept you're a loner

[salvator here]

Maybe I'll try and ask others for some advice here with hopes it might help me.

As I've said in other threads. I'm socially awkward (more so now than when I was young) and I look for reasons to avoid social contact most of the time. I feel I'm too damaged to ever fully recover, and I've settled into the idea of just accenting that I will always be a loner. It won't be easy, because I've always thought that humans are supposed to be social, and its unnatural to isolate oneself. I don't see myself ever bring social again, and I never did make friends easily. I DO very much LOVE my alone time and cherish my own company. I often wish I could find another loner to be my partner, and just enjoy each others company - just the two of us. It's been an impossible task to find someone that doesn't want to go out.

I'm not really looking for dating advice here, more how to not feel sad and alone when by myself. I have many things to keep me busy, and not having anybody to interfere with me doing my own thing is what is most important. I don't usually tell therapists this because they try to change me and force me to go out and make friends.

Any advice here would be appreciated, as I want be happy without needing (relying) on other people to determine my happiness.

Thanks :)

[salvator here]

I don't mean to come off as impatient, but I do hope somebody has some advice for me. I mean, I'm sitting here all alone and enjoying TV and Youtube, but at the same time the loneliness makes me just want to go back to bed. Strange.....I know?!?

[salvator here]

I guess this is going to be a 'party for 1' hehe! Oh well...your loss :)

Twas a rough night (struggled all night to keep sane all by myself), and this morning is no improvement. Just sitting here with my thoughts swirling and swirling like an endless loop of crappy memories and morbid realizations. This is not going to improve unless I figure something out and quickly. Therapy did not help me any with the social phobia, and the damn pills only numbed me (fooled me really) into a pseudo social person that I didn't like. I mean, maybe I was engaging somewhat and whatnot, but it was not real. Nobody seems to get this. The medicated version of you is not the real you. I understand needed to keep the moods stable (I'm somewhat stable on the edge of manic most days), but staying drugged is no way to live. I guess I'll reconsider restarting them if things start to go severely downhill.

I don't know though, I'm not really going out much, and every day it seems like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a lonely world of just things way in the past (friendships / relationships / social gatherings / and such), but this seems so wrong on so many levels.

What to do...?

[gadguy]

I guess this is going to be a 'party for 1' hehe! Oh well...your loss :)

Twas a rough night (struggled all night to keep sane all by myself), and this morning is no improvement. Just sitting here with my thoughts swirling and swirling like an endless loop of crappy memories and morbid realizations. This is not going to improve unless I figure something out and quickly. Therapy did not help me any with the social phobia, and the damn pills only numbed me (fooled me really) into a pseudo social person that I didn't like. I mean, maybe I was engaging somewhat and whatnot, but it was not real. Nobody seems to get this. The medicated version of you is not the real you. I understand needed to keep the moods stable (I'm somewhat stable on the edge of manic most days), but staying drugged is no way to live. I guess I'll reconsider restarting them if things start to go severely downhill.

I don't know though, I'm not really going out much, and every day it seems like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a lonely world of just things way in the past (friendships / relationships / social gatherings / and such), but this seems so wrong on so many levels.

What to do...?

Just the opposite of what you are doing. I hesitated to reply to you post, for I am a bit of a loner, not as bad as I used to be. Isolation, being a loner is nothing more than a defense mechanism those of us with anxiety employ to avoid situations that will make us anxious. Keeping friends, forming relationships are not going to happen by themselves. We have to suck it up and endure until we become comfortable with other people. I go out with a group of friends every Friday night, prior to this I sat home alone ever night...I made myself go, it was stressful, but eventually it was a comfortable as being at home. We as people who have anxiety, fool ourselves into believing we can do it alone and need no one...which we all know to be false. Start slow, just do small things out...I think my first step was going to a discount store during my lunch hour and wondering around, eventually I got comfortable with that and took another step...now I am much better in social situations...and everything that stresses you out about social interactions will not matter to your real friends. Take a small step.

[Mohammed Nasreldin]

Bro, am like you, I like to have one friend whose problems are like me. But i fail to find one, Am not good at making friends but i have 1 friend at the moment but he is bad to me. Am sure salvator if i meet u we would be best friends cuz i know how to friend loners only. But i have a good advice for you, Buy a book called NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming), this teaches you how to learn from other successful people to avoid mistakes and reach your inner self to make you a successful man in any dream you want. It also makes you loved socially. I have this book but i cant read it because i feel bed when reading it because the first time i tried to read it i got a panic attack and now i feel that am going to pass out when i touch this book. NLP makes you have full control of your inner mind and your activities so that you become a perfect personality socially,mentally and physically and allows you to destroy your social problem.

[Ponder]

What is it about this NEED to be around other people? Hmmmmm - I guess from a positive aspect, being around others with high vibrations can lift our own. However on the negative side, being around those with low vibrations can just as easily drag us down. Add to this, those with high vibrations can also be too extreme, so not even the positive aspects are as they seem.

In any event - one will always have themselves to contend with whether socializing or not. Giving to ones loathing to be with self, you will find that you will not be much good around others unless your able to first change yourself. That is not to say you will be unaffected by being in a group of positive beings. I say beings, because most social situation place emphasis on things. This is why in my opinion people are more shallow when it comes to stripping off all the materialistic crap they cling to in order to shine as they do. Once each person returns to their home, and no longer has "others" to show off their exterior gains - such positive influences quickly fades.

Best log in to AF and begin the process to unload. Doing so need not be a morbid affair. Your first couple of posts were seemed content to feedback on their own, even if to beg for the response of another. My advice here is to think about the benefit of opening up to yourself more often - in a way that cares little for the response of others. The first place to start with making ourself more attractive, is to look in the mirror and learn to live with what we see.
_____________________________________

I'm not meaning to dis the notion or undermine the benefits of "socializing" but I can confidently say that mixing with others is not going to be the therapeutic answer to finding peace. If one can bear to live as they are, and talk more with hope and strive to become more in touch with who they really be - then you will naturally attract like-minded people. It may not seem that way now, but the process requires changing ones perspective from one that focuses on NEED to one that is content with what is.

That way, you can be perfectly content without the "need" to be with others and whilst in that realization, you will be more attractive to the one that matters most. Yourself!

No one wants to be around a negative person. You'll end up with anti-bodies dragging you down. Many may seem tractive in their bling bling and glamour, but they can be as much a drain as the people they tend to drag down - in fact, the sickness will often target parts of the "body-whole" that are not even sick. In many ways our system is like living in a cancer that's sells itself as "You NEED me!"

The good news is, that you do not need anyone other than yourself!!! - Coming to experience that realization will then help one reap the benefits of having what is termed as friends - in fact, you will be more inclined to treasure those more in sync moments with passer bys. The later being so much more important to getting through life, as oppose to clinging to the few who we claim us "like us."

Time I went and had a chat with myself. ;)

[Ponder]

PS - I'm into NLP atm and when it comes to writing personal scripts ... nothing it more powerful than the mind set to which I have tried to allude in the above. Whilst looking to emulate the positive traits in others, it is ourselves that takes ownership of who we wish to become. Coming to know ourselves in a full and complete way is the best way to identify without falling into the trap of wishing be someone we are not.

Yes - NLP is a powerful tool - but it's symptomatic like most other therapies. Understanding that is crucial. I too highly recommend it. It will help you take control and show you just how much power you really have. But don't get caught in a trap that requires constant assertions to believe in ones self. Hmmmm - yet if that is what it takes, it's a far less toxic answer that will allow for greater realization of who and what you are as well as what really counts.

I regret if I have been unable to offer you anything with my words. I propose not to really know - I wish you the best with whatever path you take. I too am still working things out. Self inquiry - look into that. It requires none other, than just yourself. Was the best friend I ever made. :)

All the best.

[gadguy]

Bro, am like you, I like to have one friend whose problems are like me. But i fail to find one, Am not good at making friends but i have 1 friend at the moment but he is bad to me. Am sure salvator if i meet u we would be best friends cuz i know how to friend loners only. But i have a good advice for you, Buy a book called NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming), this teaches you how to learn from other successful people to avoid mistakes and reach your inner self to make you a successful man in any dream you want. It also makes you loved socially. I have this book but i cant read it because i feel bed when reading it because the first time i tried to read it i got a panic attack and now i feel that am going to pass out when i touch this book. NLP makes you have full control of your inner mind and your activities so that you become a perfect personality socially,mentally and physically and allows you to destroy your social problem.

Thanx, I am good. I am sure we would be friends also. BUT look at what you said, you know how to befriend loners...if you can do that you can befriend those without anxiety issues. You are going to have to work through your issues and fears, no one can do it for you. I know it is hard but see your fears for how irrational they are...you a re scared of panic attack caused by a book, a book can't hurt unless it falls on your foot. I am not making light of your fear, your fear is real to you and therefore real. at some point examine that fear and see were it leads you.

Just to let you know I do know were you are coming from....as a child through my teenage years, i had to drink out of a certain color cup in the mornings at breakfast. Yellow, green and blue meant I would have a good day, Red and orange meant it was going to be a bad day.

[salvator here]

I'll be giving a very detailed reply to everything you all wrote to me for advice. I must say, I'm really overwhelmed by the in-depth responses I see above, and I want to take the time to let all that soak in. Rest assured I read and feel every single word I read, so that will take me some time, but I will.

gadguy ~ Thank you for your reply. I will appreciate every small step as an important part of my recovery with hopes that I will become someone I'm comfortable/satisfied with again (I used to be happy wish whom I am - and can get there again), and thank you for sharing with me what you've gone through and how you are handling it.

Mohammed ~ Thank you very much for you reply and PMs. I will reply either later tonight or tomorrow to them and you seem like a really nice person I would like to be friends with, and I've also been better able to relate to loners as well. I do appreciate the recommendation, it sounds like NLP is an intense read, so I'll prepare myself. Honestly, I won't be able to get into something like that for a while taking into account everything I'm dealing with, but I will consider it when I know I can dedicate the proper time it would require to use it to its full potential and purpose.

Ponder ~ Thank you for everything you wrote, and as I say, I read every single word more than 1 time (usually many times in fact), and I am already amazed at the level of detail and insight you've give for advice. I think you are right, I'm going to have to unload the baggage (as painful as it may be). I've been carrying years worth unnecessary crap on my back, and maybe it will help me (and others) to get it out. As I sit here, my mind is not totally able to process everything as well as I'd like, so I'll just take away the basics from it now, or I'll find myself paralyzed if I try to take all that in tonight.

I feel very very awake and self aware from reading everyone's advice, and this is slightly a new thing for me, and hopefully what I need to become the man I'm hoping to be again. Reading over everything that was written I just wanted to say, luckily I don't suffer from any self loathing and self hatred. I have self-esteem issues and insecurities I would like to change, but me is cool just as I is hehe :). Ok, that's about all I can do tonight.

[salvator here]

I don't know, but I feel I need to get this out.

First off, I want to thank you Dahila, for your posting in another thread (I just figured I'd keep it here). I know burying my past won't help, but I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it, or the fallout of digging it up. Some things I've never even told my therapist; so we'll see I guess.

Horrible night in all honesty. My head was in a bad place after getting some strange news; which I'll keep to keep to myself for now. However I am experiencing some new and exciting news, and I've decided to open up my heart to another person, and I'm not sure I can handle having my heart broken again. I don't think I would survive it actually. But I can't stay this guarded and expect to find some happiness and joy (which I'm missing in my life).

Still trying to digest everything people have given me for advice, and part of me want's to just crawl back under my rock and hide, but I guess I shouldn't yet, not until I decide I'm beyond 'help'. Well see, but I must learn to better accept myself, or this relying on other people for validation is going to drain every last ounce of energy I have.

[salvator here]

I can't do this!

I didn't think this would be so hard, but, its like opening up old wounds and pouring salt into them. See, this is much like/how therapy went for me overall, which could very well be I didn't get the proper help. I admit - I'm closed off and too guarded now. I know burying my past it unhealthy, just, I can't go back and change it and this is not wort the pain and confusion. Its highly likely I'll never be able to discuss everything I went through, and maybe its for the best going forward; time will tell I suppose and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'll try to understand and accept the personal and heartfelt advice that was given to me, and hopefully use it to improve and better accept myself.

I'll stay on to offer help to others, but this was a bad idea.

Again, many thanks :)

[The Intolerable Kid]

How to just accept you're a loner?
Seems like the answer is in the question....

[salvator here]

How to just accept you're a loner?
Seems like the answer is in the question....Hi There!! Thanks for responding. I guess when I created this thread I was looking for advice on how to accept being a loner. I suppose I've accepted it now, and I want to focus my time searching for ways to enjoy my own company; rather than rely on other people so much. If I meet people along the way, great! If not, I should be ok with that, as well. I've spent far too many years (and years) looking to others for "approval", and this needs to stop; period. The truth is, I've always been a loner anyway. I just look at other people and wonder to myself, why am I not good enough to have as a friend. Ahhhh...well, this was really just complaining and bey~otch~ing, and it really doesn't do much good. With that said, I would still greatly appreciate any tips/advice of how to not feel "alone" when alone with only self. I mean, my mind has done a amazing job of keeping me company during times of loneliness, thus far in life. I was always felt excluded around others, and even more so into adulthood.

On a side note: The reason I backed off on this thread, is, because I was going to use it as a journal (so to speak) and as Ponder said, "unload the baggage". However, I'm not sure I'm ready to bring all the pain to the forefront again, and I wonder if I should just leave some things buried - I can't go back an change what happened. See....even writing this bring up painful memories.

I just don't know where to turn sometimes, but I know 1 thing, the only person that we can (truly) rely is ourselves.

[salvator here]

Alright then, maybe I will go ahead and unload a bit here. Again, this is more of a journal and me putting my thoughts into words, so I'm not expecting replies. Yes, my writing will be scattered at time, much like my thoughts.

While I have accepted that Its just going to be "me, myself, and I" and this life, what I am still struggling with, is this! I would think most people have at least 1 person they can turn to when they need someone to talk to, or have a shoulder to lean on. As far as I'm concerned, I've always made sure I was also there for them when they needed a friends (should be a 2-way-street). However, I have NOBODY whatsoever. Early this year, I found myself reaching back into my past and trying to reconnect with old so-called friends that really didn't want to hear from me. Only 1 person replied and I realized it was a mistake. I hear people say constantly that the isolation is unhealthy. What's am I to do??!! Beg and plead strangers for friendship. Yes you read that right. Did I ever beg for money...NO NEVER! For favors...NO WAY. Just for friendship and to talk to me and I don't think that is asking too much, and I've decided that hell will freeze over before I ever beg for friendship again. So to bring this back on topic, while I am fine with being a loner, it would be nice to have at least 1 person or some fair-weather friends, and I'm terrible and awkward meeting new people. When I do venture out into public (which is not all that often lately), I do my best to totally avoid people and speak as little as possible. I'm hoping that when (I say "when", because "if" leaves room for chickening out) I start working, maybe I will have some luck meeting people (even though that was far from the case when I did work - I was always excluded from gatherings).

As I've stated, my mind has done a good job "compensating" for my reclusive lifestyle. Yes, I have had many "imaginary friends" that keep my company (please don't judge). I personally believe our minds helps us to deal with some of our circumstances by giving us tools to cope. For some strange reason I am struggling with how to put that, but hopefully you get the point.

So maybe the title should have read: How to just accept a life of isolation? But again, the answer could yet again be - Just accept it. What good will it do me to fight it and constantly keep myself is a state of depressions that things are not different for me.

To be honest, I really have more to concern myself with how that being a loner anyway. I'm trying to pick myself up after 11 years (going on 12) of being down for the count after 2 mental breakdowns that I was hospitalized for, and never fully recovered from. Other than family, nobody is helping me, so I must rely upon myself to dig myself out of this pit of hopelessness on my own. At times, I feel I can do it, but they I have a bad day and I have to ask myself, "what if I had to word today, I wouldn't be able to go in". One of the reasons I was fired from jobs was from calling out too much. I've been cycling lately and some days I'm non-functional. I've been trying to say off the cocktail of psych meds and rely upon self talk and mindfulness to cope. While I am struggling, I feel more human being off the meds. I didn't like the feeling of being drugged all the time.

So well see how this goes and whether I can can continue with this journal. What I don't want it to turn into is a complaining and moaning. That would help nobody!

[salvator here]

Its just going to have to be this. I've been literately struggling to find a way to make sense of everything, and I just can't for the life of me. I've retracted 4 postings already in this thread the last 2 days. I've tried burying my past with little success. I've try everything I know to make sense of it with no luck. I'm just at my wits end now and time is not on my side. I'm so sick of replaying this endless loop over and over every day. I've been working myself up into anger and I'm muttering (cussing) under my breath things I with I could've said, but that time has passed, and its time to move on to the next chapter in life. I could waste another decade of my life trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. I am already filled with great sadness and regret that I can't get back the last 11 years of my life I wasted in shame and hiding away from the world. So much pain and regret is eating me up and wasting precious time. I need just accept it and move on.

I've decided that's going to have to be it for me, just turn the page. I have not the slightest clue what what my future will bring, but I'll just hope for the best and take is day to day.

So I'll just conclude this journal here...

[tmex]

just find a friend

[tmex]

you cannot survive in this world alone

[tmex]

thats why we found ourselves on the same planet

[chrismex89]

Im a loner too, its nothing bad about that, all the anxiety suffers are a little bit loners too, but i think its neccesary have at least a few relations. I feel bad sometimes for not have love life, regularly i accept that but when i see beautiful womans in the street or i go to the cinema alone, sometimes i feel a little down, its perfectly normal, greetings from Mexico.

[salvator here]

just find a friendI would like to, but I stay almost totally isolated.


you cannot survive in this world aloneI know, but how to meet people with all this anxiety and depression? Nobody wants to be surrounded by a negative person. I don't mean to be, but I'm stuck in this depressed cycle that I can't seem to shake. I'm a nice guy and meek and harmless, but I offer nothing positive to a conversation. In face, sometimes I go weeks without speaking to anybody at all. I even canceled my appointments last June and have no rescheduled. I just feel my situation is hopeless. Unless something changes (a miracle), this is my future. Again, I would love to be even mildly social, but its bee so many many years o isolation I think I forgot how to talk to people; seriously!


thats why we found ourselves on the same planetThank you for your advice and I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner. Pleasure to meet you.


Im a loner too, its nothing bad about that, all the anxiety suffers are a little bit loners too, but i think its neccesary have at least a few relations. I feel bad sometimes for not have love life, regularly i accept that but when i see beautiful womans in the street or i go to the cinema alone, sometimes i feel a little down, its perfectly normal, greetings from Mexico.Yes, I do agree with you on everything. I can accept being a loner and enjoying my own company, but its casual social situations that I fear now. I was always for the most part a loner and just assumed being gay fosters a lonely existence, but now, I can't be sure that is still the cause. A love life is just totally out of the question now, in that, I've developed so many phobias with germs, that I don't even like being touched at all; sad to admit.

Anyway, pleased to meet you as well and I'll try to be hopeful that things could changed someday.

PS-Sorry about all the typos, but I've been shaky today and typing is a struggle.

[Ponder]

Nice to see you back Salvator.

[Kirk]

I believe we all need time alone sometimes and some people are just more comfortable being alone more often and their
is really nothing wrong with that.