Need Help, Need to Get My Life Back!!!!

[simplecook42]

First time post. I need help!! I am currently in therapy but I am so worried and I need to know if this is normal if anxiety works this way and destroys your life like this. I cannot remember when it all started. For as long as I can remember I have always had my anxiety come up as very weird things. When I was 14 it came up as a worry that I was gay because we lived in a very rural part of NY. Over and over and over in my head a little voice would ask me if I was gay and I would reply back terrifed in my head that I was not. For over 2 years I dealt with this until I finally matured a bit and felt comfortable in my sexuality. After that it seemed to calm down until I was in college when suddenly for some reason the tiny voice in my head started again but this time came up with a new twist. I said I could make all my troubles and worries disappear if only I sold my soul to the devil. To counter this and calm myself down I had to constantly and deligently say no over and over and over again for hours or days at a time. It has been that way for years now especially if I see or hear any mention of the devil in pop culture. Recently though my anxiety has taken the worst turn ever in my life and is driving me to the point of I fear for my own life somedays. Most days I am fine and the brain chemicals seem to be balanced out nicely and I dont have a care in my brain but sometimes and trust me this is taking a lot of my energy today to just type out because I am so so so so scared of what everyone might say or think about me. But my brain sometimes asks me now what if you find you are sick inside?? What if you are disgusting inside and broken in the worst way? What can I do about this? I am seeking professional help but I just need to know other people out there have dealt with this. Thank you.

[salvator here]

Hello and welcome.

I'm reading your posting and want you to know you are not alone. I'm GAY and it took many many years to come to terms with my sexuality. Don't think you are bad, or defective. You are not disgusting or sick, it sounds to me like you are hurting, and trying to get by like the rest of us. Nobody will judge you here for reaching out for support.

How are you doing in therapy? Any luck getting the anxiety under better control? Stick with it if its helping you, and put 100% effort and you will start to feel stronger. I've been through therapy and I personally reached a "standstill" personally and just came the conclusion that I need to look deeper inside myself for the answers, but overall, therapy serves it purpose in helping me. You are hard on yourself, your anxiety is making you feel that you are less than, and unworthy when nothing could be further from the truth. You deserve to live a purposeful life as much as the next person.

I wish you the best on your journey in recovery, and don't let society get you down.

All my best.

[simplecook42]

Therapy seems to be going okay. I am not totally sure what to expect from it. Right now it seems for about a day afterwards I feel great because I vented but then it seems like my brain settles back into its old patterns but I am still going to go so that I can see if it starts to work more often.

[HookTheCodfish]

Woa, deja vu!

I have an irrational fear of my own that's very similar to yours. Because I struggled so much in school and my social life growing up, I developed an irrational fear that I am "intellectually disabled."

Most of the time I know I'm about average in intelligence; I have friends, I work fulltime, I live independently, I've dated, been laid, and drawn pictures that people were extremely impressed by.

Yet every now and then I become convinced that I am....you know. I fear that I'm actually "special needs" and everyone on the street can see it and they're just too nice to say anything. That none of my relationships or accomplishments are real; my "friends" just stick around because they feel sorry for me, and people only pretend to be impressed by my art or what-not to be nice. These fears usually come up after I have some kind of a failure. I lost my keys a month ago. If someone else lost their keys and cried over it, I would think they were overreacting, and tell them, "everyone loses their keys." But when it was me, I became convinced that this was proof I was "special needs" and am not fit to live independently.

Fortunately, it's usually not too hard for someone to shake me out of this fear; if someone just asks me "are your friends the kinds of people who would stick around for years just because they felt bad for you?" then I realize how ludicrous my fear was. So my suggestion to you is, the next time you fear that you're gay, or that you're being tempted to work with the Devil, challenge yourself about that fear. If you're afraid you're gay (which obviously isn't a bad thing, unless you live amongst hillbillies), ask yourself, "Well who would I rather sleep with, Han Solo or Princess Leia?" If you're afraid of being tempted to deal with the Devil, ask yourself, "is the Devil likely to waltz in here right now? Does that type of thing often happen to people?"

(On a side note, if it turns out you actually are gay, that's not going to have you ostracized by most of Western society anymore. Gay marriage has been legalized nation-wide in the U.S. Just move out of the hick town and you should be okay.)

[salvator here]

Therapy seems to be going okay. I am not totally sure what to expect from it. Right now it seems for about a day afterwards I feel great because I vented but then it seems like my brain settles back into its old patterns but I am still going to go so that I can see if it starts to work more often.It was the same for me, I felt good for a few days after, but then it was back to "normal". I think venting to a therapist does help though, because they don't know you personally and can be non bias (non judgmental). If you manage to find a good one, you can pretty much say anything on your mind without fear of being locked up. I only had 1 like that. You should know right away if you have a good relationship with this person or not, otherwise move alone quickly and find a new one.

And yeah, haha, there is something about living in a 1-horse-town with everybody all up in your business that kinda stinks, good luck though and things do get better.

[Breez]

First time post. I need help!! I am currently in therapy but I am so worried and I need to know if this is normal if anxiety works this way and destroys your life like this. I cannot remember when it all started. For as long as I can remember I have always had my anxiety come up as very weird things. When I was 14 it came up as a worry that I was gay because we lived in a very rural part of NY. Over and over and over in my head a little voice would ask me if I was gay and I would reply back terrifed in my head that I was not. For over 2 years I dealt with this until I finally matured a bit and felt comfortable in my sexuality. After that it seemed to calm down until I was in college when suddenly for some reason the tiny voice in my head started again but this time came up with a new twist. I said I could make all my troubles and worries disappear if only I sold my soul to the devil. To counter this and calm myself down I had to constantly and deligently say no over and over and over again for hours or days at a time. It has been that way for years now especially if I see or hear any mention of the devil in pop culture. Recently though my anxiety has taken the worst turn ever in my life and is driving me to the point of I fear for my own life somedays. Most days I am fine and the brain chemicals seem to be balanced out nicely and I dont have a care in my brain but sometimes and trust me this is taking a lot of my energy today to just type out because I am so so so so scared of what everyone might say or think about me. But my brain sometimes asks me now what if you find you are sick inside?? What if you are disgusting inside and broken in the worst way? What can I do about this? I am seeking professional help but I just need to know other people out there have dealt with this. Thank you.

Your story sounds similar to a friend of mine (he's gay). He was rejected and abused by his dad for a long time when he came out of the closet. He still has some issues with trust and anxiety but he is doing so much better now. He's still using therapy but I don't think he's taking any more medication. He's fighting with his own strength, which I admire and support him all the way. I think at some point, everybody feels they don't belong because of who they are. I know it takes a lot of guts to accept yourself and show yourself to the world. Seeking professional help is a wise decision. I'd always suggest to look for solace in trustworthy friendship. This forum is also here for you when you need to share. Best wishes, you can do it!