Family Worries

[Felix Sky]

So this year started with lots of anxiety. I am not a hypochondriac and I have my anxiety\depression mostly under control, unless it has to do with my family. Then I have no control of it and I completely fall apart. 1st, my dog hurt his back and I was losing my mind. He is OK, but needs more time to get better. Now, my wife told me a few days ago that she found a lump in her breast. It sent me into uncontrollable shock. She is going to get it checked out in a few days, but I am just so worried and of course thinking the worst possible outcomes. I am trying to be as optimistic as possible and hoping for the best, but I need to be strong and I need her to see that I am strong. She is young and doesn't even seem so scared. I am terrified and have crying episodes followed up by research Online, followed by calm periods. From all the research I've read, most early caught breast cancers are highly treatable, but I can't stop worrying. My family is everything to me and I've lost so many close people to me to cancer that literally nothing besides the C word scares me.
How do I get through this? How do I stay strong for her? Is it true that breast cancer is treatable in most early caught cases?
PS. What's worse is that she ends up consoling me instead of vice versa.

[Breez]

So this year started with lots of anxiety. I am not a hypochondriac and I have my anxiety\depression mostly under control, unless it has to do with my family. Then I have no control of it and I completely fall apart. 1st, my dog hurt his back and I was losing my mind. He is OK, but needs more time to get better. Now, my wife told me a few days ago that she found a lump in her breast. It sent me into uncontrollable shock. She is going to get it checked out in a few days, but I am just so worried and of course thinking the worst possible outcomes. I am trying to be as optimistic as possible and hoping for the best, but I need to be strong and I need her to see that I am strong. She is young and doesn't even seem so scared. I am terrified and have crying episodes followed up by research Online, followed by calm periods. From all the research I've read, most early caught breast cancers are highly treatable, but I can't stop worrying. My family is everything to me and I've lost so many close people to me to cancer that literally nothing besides the C word scares me.
How do I get through this? How do I stay strong for her? Is it true that breast cancer is treatable in most early caught cases?
PS. What's worse is that she ends up consoling me instead of vice versa.

Hi there, first off, I'm glad to see there are kind and loving husband such as yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for me as I can't do it virtually. Secondly, I understand your feeling when it's the people you deeply love. I think it's only natural to feel protective (or even share the pain) of your loved ones. I'm not a doctor so I can't give you medical advice but as far as I know, most cancer can be successfully treated as long as it's in the early stages. Last year, my uncle had a sore throat, went in for a check up, and discovered it was cancer. Luckily it was in the early stage. He went through two rounds of chemo and now everything is good. For human, there are all kind of lumps formed underneath the skin. It could be excess waste (dead cells) that the body couldn't excrete and accumulated into a lump. These lumps are benign and can be removed with a small incision. My mother when to a couple surgeries to remove these lumps from her right underarm and above her left breast. I'd say the "what-ifs" can drive anybody crazy so let's leave the worry to when it is called for. Your wife might also have the same thing that my mother had.

Best wishes to you and your family!

[Snakeadelic]

My best friend developed a breast lump some years back that was excised. It proved benign, a result of drinking WAY too much caffeinated diet soda, but it scared the living daylights out of both of us. My mom developed a lesion on the roof of her mouth that caused some serious cancer worries, and although it was benign it did get her to quit smoking.

What to do? :)
1. Love her, as you clearly do.
2. Remember that many possibilities lead to pain and stress but NOT incurable or fatal problems.
3. Let her console you when she feels she needs to. Perhaps she draws strength for herself from knowing she can be that strong for you. My mom is living your nightmare right now--the one friend of hers in the last 15 years who hasn't screwed her over may be down to days left (small-cell lung cancer metastasized to the liver, no warning, no lumps) and she draws strength for herself from being strong for her friend.
4. If the worst happens, try to find a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist you can talk to, preferably one experienced with anxiety and/or grief. It can be hard finding a professional one can trust, but they're out there. So are support groups for anxiety and assorted illnesses--medical clinics and mental health care offices often have fliers all over their walls. Meanwhile, remember #2!

[ajaysutton]

Hi Felix,

I understand what you're going through. Pets are an important part of a lot of our lives, and then the news about your wife! I think it's fair to say that anyone would be anxious about that. I'd like to encourage you with this if I could, but I don't want you to think that I'm getting all religious on you or anything like that. I do happen to be a Bible believing Christian, but that isn't the point I'm trying to make. What I'm trying to do is answer your questions about how you get through it, and how you stay strong...

There's a passage in the Bible in Matthew 6, verses 25-34, that specifically address worry. I've struggled with this a lot in the past. I still struggle with it to be honest. Sometimes I worry that I worry too much! But that passage always serves to level-set me. Basically, the question that's being asked there is "what does our worry accomplish"? For me, the answer has been "not a single thing". I don't say that to be in any way dismissive of how you feel. The way you feel is valid, and in many ways, I think it's good and encouraging! But I'd ask you to think back and see if you can remember a time when worrying about something changed the outcome. I bet you can't think of one.

I know for me, worry produces anxiety and panic and causes me to act irrationally. When I can slow down, and take a deep breath, (and sometimes, literally count to 10!) I usually realize that my getting anxious and panicking doesn't change the outcome of things. In other words, "what will be, will be." That usually helps me to go slower, and maintain my focus on the people who need my support and encouragement, and be able to do for them what they can't do for themselves, like drive to the hospital, or a doctor's appointment or something like that.

There's a tune by Blues Traveller where one of the lines says "When you're in a hurry the tendency to worry can make your vision blurry and blind you..." and I've found that to be as true as the passage from the Bible. When I worry I get shortsighted and don't look at the big picture, and get things pretty mixed up sometimes.

All of that to say, my encouragement to you is to keep on loving your wife as you do. The way you feel about her is obvious and commendable, and I appreciate and respect that. Try to move a bit slower. Try to consider everything there is to consider, try to take a breath before you rush in, and see if you can't see things from a less panicked vantage point if you're able.

You'll get through this! I'm confident of that!

A. Jay