Girlfriend has gone "ghost"

[easygoer]

First off, the title of this thread sucks but I forgot to change it... so sorry!

I'm probably the 958th person to post something like this here, but I'm stuck with no one else to ask so I'm hoping someone with anxiety (or who is close to someone with it) can shed some light.

I met a girl a few months ago and we really hit it off. Our relationship was moving fast (she was doing the driving) and then one day she said she was overwhelmed by how fast it was going and needed space to think it through. I asked her to talk about it but she said was riddled with anxiety. She had told me on numerous occasions she's had anxiety her entire life but that she had learned how to deal with it fairly well.

It was tough for me, but I backed down. She sent me a few notes over the next few weeks which indicated she was still interested in us, but even in reaching out to me it was different.

Meanwhile, I obviously miss her but there are a few things I think are indications of this being anxiety related...

- She's always been awkward in her texts/notes to me. I loved them, but they were always contrived/rehearsed. It was as if she never felt comfortable or knew what to write/say.
- One night she started crying for no reason and what I understood was because I was too good for her.
- She would say how she's worried about when I leave for a job out of town three months from now.
- She told me in a prior relationship her boyfriend punched her.
- She is often posting pictures of herself at the gym... almost like trying to get recognition from others for her work.
- Other random Facebook/snapchat postings that are what most people would find a bit... random. If that makes sense.

I'm trying to avoid a novel here and while I wish I could just say this another relationship you add to the resume and move on, this one was different. We clicked.

I struggle with the idea she's not interested anymore or there's another guy (this one is doubtful, but who knows), but my closest friends and family don't believe that to be the case. I'm torn.

Ultimately, I wish I knew what to say and how to find out what's really going on. I've tried to talk to her but she won't respond. I've read where this happens when people are dealing with anxiety. Each day gets easier for me, but I'm a firm believer in what my head/heart tells me and I need to figure out if this is truly dead or what/how to help her deal so we can at least figure it out.

So I went online and found this place and figured maybe someone could help? Sorry for the long debut post, but I'm just lost in the fog here.

[Anne1221]

It's hard to say but it does appear she has anxiety problems. Can you invite her to do something with you (meet for coffee/tea) or something else very easy and see how she responds? Keep pursuing her and eventually you will know for sure if it's a dead end. In the meantime, keep your options open. In the meantime, don't close yourself off to meeting someone new.

[Snakeadelic]

Do you know of any major stress events in her life recently? This sounds like something that may be related to family upheaval, job changes, or the like. I've been known to behave quite a lot like you're describing when I was already in a challenging space (like a new relationship) and had something unrelated--death or illness in the family, loss of a pet, housing difficulties--drop-kick me into a downward spiral of terror and hopelessness.

If you're meant to be the partner for her, the time WILL come. Regardless, the best thing I personally believe you could do in this situation is make sure she knows that you'll support her whether it's as a friend or as a partner. Sometimes all it takes is the thinnest sliver of hope and acceptance for someone battling anxiety to build themselves a bridge across the emotional chasm they find themselves teetering at the edge of; I can think of five or six times just in my 30s that those slivers would have changed my whole life for the better had they only been offered.

[Fahrenheit]

I agree with Snake about building that bridge.

What is hard about your situation is that she is not communicating with you, so it is hard to know how to help her, or, more importantly, how to just show your support for her. It seems to me, though, that you really care about her, and you just want to show her that you are here for her, which is mostly what people who are struggling with anxiety need - at least speaking for myself. i think the best you can do is show her that you are WILLING to be there for her, and that you will be there for here even when she is not okay. that you love and care about her enough that you won't turn away from her anxiety and her darkness, but that she can be open with you about those things, and you will sit with her and with her anxiety - not solve it, not make it go away, but not be scared or grossed out by it, either. you will be there with her.

for me, i am always afraid people will be turned off by my anxiety, and from what you said about her feeling like she is not good enough for you, i think she may be feeling the same. she may have been going fast because she cares so deeply about you, and because you connected so well, and she is afraid her anxiety will ruin that. so she has shut herself away to try and protect herself and protect you and protect the relationship from the THREAT she sees her anxiety as. this is all me speculating, of course, and i may be totally off-base and just reading my own tendencies into this. it is hard to know without getting her side of the story. but i think what do is tell her, directly and in words, that you won't be scared off by her anxiety and that you can face it together, and then to demonstrate that you mean it. let her know that if she just needs space to process her anxiety, that is okay, but that she can let you see her when she is not mentally 'put-together' and you will still love her. THAT is the most powerful thing anyone can do for anyone struggling with a mental health issue, or just...emotional pain of any kind.

i hope that helps, and i wish the two of you the best of luck. from what i have read, i believe you have what it takes to be there for her, and that if this is right, you two can make it work!

[easygoer]

First off, these responses made me feel better. I've been struggling myself and I haven't logged on. I'm glad I did today. I actually felt like you all understood and followed what I was trying to say. So, huge thanks.

I've been trying to work through this in my own way but it's been tough. Frankly, I miss her. Her presence online (Facebook etc.) indicates she's struggling with anxiety. Lots of posts that seem as if she's trying to garner support, obsession with somewhat random things, self-esteem boost seeking stuff, understanding from followers, anxiety awareness etc. She's messaged me (randomly) a few times here or there but nothing crazy.

I've limited my communication with her. She has spoken with my friends on Facebook about unrelated topics, which I found odd. If this was about her not being into me, that wouldn't happen I don't think.

My friends see her posts and make comments that she's "not normal" etc. Friends/family give me the, "Lots of fish in the sea" stuff but ya know what... I can't do that yet. Perhaps I'm setting myself up for failure, but after reading the responses above, maybe not.

I'm going to follow the advice here and see what happens.

[easygoer]

Do you know of any major stress events in her life recently? This sounds like something that may be related to family upheaval, job changes, or the like. I've been known to behave quite a lot like you're describing when I was already in a challenging space (like a new relationship) and had something unrelated--death or illness in the family, loss of a pet, housing difficulties--drop-kick me into a downward spiral of terror and hopelessness.

If you're meant to be the partner for her, the time WILL come. Regardless, the best thing I personally believe you could do in this situation is make sure she knows that you'll support her whether it's as a friend or as a partner. Sometimes all it takes is the thinnest sliver of hope and acceptance for someone battling anxiety to build themselves a bridge across the emotional chasm they find themselves teetering at the edge of; I can think of five or six times just in my 30s that those slivers would have changed my whole life for the better had they only been offered.

There were a few things said here/there about her work. Her boss was becoming a bit cranky about things and I could tell she felt responsible or was taking on the burden herself. She went away to see family for the weekend, came back to work and that's when this all went down. There was also an incident with an ex-girlfriend of mine surfacing. I was totally up front about my past with her and she understood, but perhaps that's playing a role here too.

[insidemyhead]

Okay so firstly I wanted to establish that I don't usually give any advice to people on stuff like this because I massively worry that what I say will have a negative impact on someone else, but just wanted to give you my stance your situation...

As a person quite similar to the girl you're talking about I would say that what she's doing is distancing herself as a defense mechanism. She must like you or she wouldn't continue interaction or be messaging your friends, it sound to me like she's just fearful of the way she's feeling because she's an insecure person (just what I gathered from her needing validation from posting pictures etc.) and doesn't want to get hurt.

I'd say if it was me that she's got slightly freaked out by your ex resurfacing, panicked about what this means, and is purposely trying to distance herself in a way to protect herself from the threat of getting hurt. Like I said, not a professional, nor do I like giving advice, but I had a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend where his ex resurfaced wanting to meet up with him and I just wanted to completely shut myself off or have her, the threat to happiness, go away. A therapist explained to me that it's like a fight or flight instinct - to avoid what you're afraid will happen.

I have no idea where you're at with this now since it's been some time, but I at least hope you've found some peace with it. Hope I could be of any help at all!

[Fahrenheit]

hey, i just wanted to check in about how things are going with your girlfriend? I don't think you have to or should accept the 'plenty of fish in the sea' comments. i think in addition to some of the things i mentioned earlier, you can ask her what she is going through and what she needs from you. if you express your love for her, and your desire/willingness to be there for you with emotional honesty, and then pose that question - HOW can I be there for you, what is the best thing i can do for you right now? - i think there is a good chance she will give you an honest answer (although it might take time for her to figure out that answer, so be patient); especially if you let her know that you understand she may not know what exactly she needs, and especially if you let her know you aren't expecting her to give simple instructions on 'this is how you make me better,' because that isn't really how anxiety/depression/etc. work. If you make it clear you just want to be there for her - not 'solve' her 'problem' - and you want to do so it whatever way is appropriate. Part of that might be giving her space, and being less involved in her life for a while. Part of it might be being there for her as a friend and not a partner. But if you let you know that you want to be there for her, because she matters to you, and not because you want to 'fix' her, I think that is the best you can do. And if you do all that, and it doesn't work out, or she doesn't invite you into her life or her struggles - I think it will still help her and mean something to her, and give her strength, even if she isn't ready to receive it yet.

I wish you both the best of luck!