Tala202
01-12-2016, 02:54 PM
Hey all,
First off, this is insanely strange for me and I don't believe I'd be able to write this if I wasn't slightly drunk. I apologize in advance if any part of this seems excessive/inappropriate etc etc but I really appreciate anyone at all actually reading this.
I'm currently 21 going on 22. I'm Iranian originally (very very important to the source of my anxiety) but have lived in Canada for quite a bit of my life and the USA in between. There's quite a lot of genetic mess in our family (anxiety, depression, alcoholism, addiction, and so on and so forth) but I'd been doing really well despite the typical mental-illness-inducing childhood I've had (divorced parents, lots of stress and fighting at home, messed up brother, etc.). I'd moved back to Iran at 13 after 7 years in Canada (Toronto) and moved back to Canada (Montreal) for college at 17. My first year in college was a mess in itself, but I had a concussion near the end of my second semester and that's when everything went downhill. I broke up with the love of my life and spiralled into horrible decision after horrible decision purely to escape the constant fear I was dealing with. I'd felt anxiety a lot in my life but this was something else - the feeling you'd get if you were watching the scariest movie ever in the dark on headphones 24/7. I really felt like I'd lost my mind.
I was trying to be as responsible as I could at 18; I was studying neuroscience so I knew a thing or two about what was happening and I saw psychiatrist after counsellor after psychologist to try to overcome it all. All of them advised me to take a break from school with everything that was happening, not to mention things from my past they felt needed to be addressed. Instead, I fast-tracked school and got married at 19, just to find a safe-haven from it all ((I really thought my issue was loneliness)).
I moved to the US after graduating (husband was from there) and was "okay" for a while. I'd turned to drinking for a while, particularly from school, the US immigration stress, and the very process of getting married which was a especially unhappy one in my case. My "husband" was no help and only judged me for everything I did - good or bad. I tolerated it for a few months, but then I had my second concussion and I just imploded, particularly after discovering that I was absolutely completely alone in dealing with everything. Then came 4-5 months of depression, alcoholism, insane anxiety, and lots and lots of anger until I picked myself up and ran back to Iran.
It's been almost 7 months since I've been back. I never planned on staying here for so long but I've been scared to go back. I've spent this whole time dealing with my anxiety. It'd grown so bad that I couldn't eat, or sleep, or even shower, let alone have any social interaction or support. I can deal with the basic things now, but I still feel like it's such a process. I'm separated now, but not divorced, and I get too anxious at the thought of dealing with that. My "husband" has been no support during any of this and only feels I owe him. Maybe he's right, but I did everything I could and communicated every morsel of information I could. No matter how I approach things, I don't imagine I could have done any more than I did under the circumstances in the past few years.
Things really are much better now - it's an uphill struggle of course - but I still really need to be able to talk (write?) these things out with some people that get why I freak out at the thought of leaving the house, or picking up the phone (particularly because I consider English my first language and speaking Farsi always ends up in some sort of "friendly" ridicule). Sorry if I wrote a lot but this really was the most concise way I could've conveyed everything. There's still so much to do and say (which is, of course, in itself overwhelming).
ANYWAY, thank you all for reading. I'm happy to be here and move on with the recovery. And if I can possibly be of any use to anyone here, I'd be incredibly happy to help (like, really very happy).
First off, this is insanely strange for me and I don't believe I'd be able to write this if I wasn't slightly drunk. I apologize in advance if any part of this seems excessive/inappropriate etc etc but I really appreciate anyone at all actually reading this.
I'm currently 21 going on 22. I'm Iranian originally (very very important to the source of my anxiety) but have lived in Canada for quite a bit of my life and the USA in between. There's quite a lot of genetic mess in our family (anxiety, depression, alcoholism, addiction, and so on and so forth) but I'd been doing really well despite the typical mental-illness-inducing childhood I've had (divorced parents, lots of stress and fighting at home, messed up brother, etc.). I'd moved back to Iran at 13 after 7 years in Canada (Toronto) and moved back to Canada (Montreal) for college at 17. My first year in college was a mess in itself, but I had a concussion near the end of my second semester and that's when everything went downhill. I broke up with the love of my life and spiralled into horrible decision after horrible decision purely to escape the constant fear I was dealing with. I'd felt anxiety a lot in my life but this was something else - the feeling you'd get if you were watching the scariest movie ever in the dark on headphones 24/7. I really felt like I'd lost my mind.
I was trying to be as responsible as I could at 18; I was studying neuroscience so I knew a thing or two about what was happening and I saw psychiatrist after counsellor after psychologist to try to overcome it all. All of them advised me to take a break from school with everything that was happening, not to mention things from my past they felt needed to be addressed. Instead, I fast-tracked school and got married at 19, just to find a safe-haven from it all ((I really thought my issue was loneliness)).
I moved to the US after graduating (husband was from there) and was "okay" for a while. I'd turned to drinking for a while, particularly from school, the US immigration stress, and the very process of getting married which was a especially unhappy one in my case. My "husband" was no help and only judged me for everything I did - good or bad. I tolerated it for a few months, but then I had my second concussion and I just imploded, particularly after discovering that I was absolutely completely alone in dealing with everything. Then came 4-5 months of depression, alcoholism, insane anxiety, and lots and lots of anger until I picked myself up and ran back to Iran.
It's been almost 7 months since I've been back. I never planned on staying here for so long but I've been scared to go back. I've spent this whole time dealing with my anxiety. It'd grown so bad that I couldn't eat, or sleep, or even shower, let alone have any social interaction or support. I can deal with the basic things now, but I still feel like it's such a process. I'm separated now, but not divorced, and I get too anxious at the thought of dealing with that. My "husband" has been no support during any of this and only feels I owe him. Maybe he's right, but I did everything I could and communicated every morsel of information I could. No matter how I approach things, I don't imagine I could have done any more than I did under the circumstances in the past few years.
Things really are much better now - it's an uphill struggle of course - but I still really need to be able to talk (write?) these things out with some people that get why I freak out at the thought of leaving the house, or picking up the phone (particularly because I consider English my first language and speaking Farsi always ends up in some sort of "friendly" ridicule). Sorry if I wrote a lot but this really was the most concise way I could've conveyed everything. There's still so much to do and say (which is, of course, in itself overwhelming).
ANYWAY, thank you all for reading. I'm happy to be here and move on with the recovery. And if I can possibly be of any use to anyone here, I'd be incredibly happy to help (like, really very happy).