AnxietyLoop
01-07-2016, 02:26 PM
It all must have started the moment I was born. I've suffered all of my life from "excessive stress". Little did I know that it was actually chronic anxiety. I always worried that the worst was about to happen. I constantly had thoughts about being a failure, embarrassing myself, ending up alone in life, losing the things that mattered to me. Thinking negatively was so normal for me that I thought it was the normal way of thinking. Last year, it's like I snapped. I started with a couple of months of terrible insomnia. The insomnia started a few months after I went through a couple of stressful events in my life (divorce, loss of a family member, etc.). My insomnia got so bad that I went to bed every night thinking that I wouldn't be able to sleep, that I would be exhausted the next day for work, that I would lose my job and my friends... And on and on. I was constantly worried about not sleeping, even if I had slept well the night before. It's like the worry about sleep was in my mind 24/7. One day, I realized this and my brain latched on to the idea that I was never going to be able to stop worrying. The minute my mind would have a thought that had nothing to do with my worries, I would get the thought that my mind had finally been distracted with something other than my worry about sleep. For some reason I still can't comprehend, this caused me a huge amount of distress. I started freaking out over this and started getting panic attacks. I couldn't concentrate at work and started calling my family telling them I thought I was going crazy. The thoughts slowly metamorphed into "I can't stop focusing on myself; I can't get distracted with anything else other than my worrie; I can't make myself stop thinking". I was worried about worrying. This sent my mind into a loop of even more negative thinking - I'd stay like this forever, I wouldn't be able to enjoy my life; I'm not going to be able to concentrate on anything without worrying about things... I finally went to see a doctor and he prescribed me a benzo and an antidepressant for long-term treatment. It's been two months and, although I'm feeling physically much better, I still feel like I can't focus on anything other than myself. I've learned to recognize that these thoughts are irrational and that I can control my anxiety attacks, which should ease the irrational thoughts that are on a loop. However, I still worry constantly that my anxiety was so bad that it caused my mind to change the way it works and now the only way I can do things is with my worries and negative thoughts stuck in the back of my mind 24/7. I know this is also an irrational thought, but nothing (not even possitive affirmations) is helping. I've tried to keep my life as normal as possible, pretending everything is okay in front of my friends and coworkers, but it's just been distressing and stressful. I feel like I have the whole world in my shoulders. Will this ever get better? Will I ever be rid of these irrational, repetitive thoughts?