Fahrenheit
11-29-2015, 07:03 PM
Okay, so first of all, I feel like I shouldn't be posting this on here, because I feel like it is a petty problem, and if I were a sufficiently emotionally mature adult I would not be struggling with this (or bothering you all with it) but...it has been a couple weeks (or longer, depending on when you start counting) and I am still feeling this way everyday, so I figured I would reach out here and see if you guys have any insights.
I rent a room in an apartment-style house with 5 other people. I am an introvert, so that alone makes it a strain. There had been a certain amount of drama and high turnover for over a year with people behaving unsafely and disrespectfully, and recently we finally have a pretty soil crew of people. However, despite this, I have been feeling uncomfortable here the last few weeks. Pretty much since I moved it, we haven't been able to set up a system where we all actually keep the kitchen clean. Because I cook more than anyone else (even though I nearly always clean up after myself, unless I need to soak dishes in the sink to soften up - and, of course, like anyone, I drop the ball sometimes, and I openly admit to being guilty of holding dishes in my room) I feel a certain sense of responsibility for the constant mess in there, even when it is usually not mine. I also was worried people were assuming it was mostly my fault, because, again, I use the space more than anyone else. So I have been internalizing guilt over this problem for a while. When we finally got the three new, solid people to move in and replace the people who had been causing trouble, one of my housemates, who is also a close friend, and who I have observed is partially responsible for the state of mess in the kitchen, very much presented the problem to the new housemates as something that had to do with other people behavior and not not hers. I also overheard a conversation she had with them where she brushed over a mistake that she had made by saying 'one of us forgot to pay the rent' (it was her) and then a couple minutes later loudly called someone else out (who was not present) on their mess, and had everyone go over to that persons private room to show them said mess. She then whispered loudly something that, in context, seemed like it was about me. That made me feel super uncomfortable, and like the trust and respect in our friendship was broken - after having been there for her many times, and often feeling like there was an imbalance in our relationship where she can lean on me (sometimes to the point where I feel my personal boundaries were not respected) but I could not lean on her. A few days later, we had an ant problem in the house, where the ants came in through my window and went into the kitchen. One of our new housemates freaked out, started shouting about how disgusting in was, and then told the person she was speaking to on the phone that they were coming from my room and then laughed really loudly. There was also another incident a couple months ago were she blamed something on me that later turned out to be her bad - she made a big deal about the problem when it was assumed I was the source of the problem, and then when we discovered it was her, she started downplaying it.
All of this has made me feel like really uncomfortable and judged. We have had a few house meetings since, and the situation has improved a bit, although the kitchen is still often a mess. I cook less often just because I feel guilty/uncomfortable using the space. I have confronted my friend directly about her behavior, and she denied that the whispering was about me (which is semi-plausible, so I don't know about that) but did not take responsibility for her behavior (i.e. that she is equally culpable for the mess and that she has not been taking responsibility for it).
I recognize that I can only do some much about her self-awareness and/or accountability. However, this feeling of internalized guilt and feeling judged is something I feel in a low grade way throughout the day, and that I worry about most nights as I fall asleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night. I recognize that the amount of time I spent worrying about this is ridiculous, and stems from being insecure/a people pleaser/fear of judgement, but I would like some tips for how to let go on those feelings.
Thanks for reading this far. I know this is kind of a pretty problem, but I am having trouble letting go and would appreciate any insights or tips!
I rent a room in an apartment-style house with 5 other people. I am an introvert, so that alone makes it a strain. There had been a certain amount of drama and high turnover for over a year with people behaving unsafely and disrespectfully, and recently we finally have a pretty soil crew of people. However, despite this, I have been feeling uncomfortable here the last few weeks. Pretty much since I moved it, we haven't been able to set up a system where we all actually keep the kitchen clean. Because I cook more than anyone else (even though I nearly always clean up after myself, unless I need to soak dishes in the sink to soften up - and, of course, like anyone, I drop the ball sometimes, and I openly admit to being guilty of holding dishes in my room) I feel a certain sense of responsibility for the constant mess in there, even when it is usually not mine. I also was worried people were assuming it was mostly my fault, because, again, I use the space more than anyone else. So I have been internalizing guilt over this problem for a while. When we finally got the three new, solid people to move in and replace the people who had been causing trouble, one of my housemates, who is also a close friend, and who I have observed is partially responsible for the state of mess in the kitchen, very much presented the problem to the new housemates as something that had to do with other people behavior and not not hers. I also overheard a conversation she had with them where she brushed over a mistake that she had made by saying 'one of us forgot to pay the rent' (it was her) and then a couple minutes later loudly called someone else out (who was not present) on their mess, and had everyone go over to that persons private room to show them said mess. She then whispered loudly something that, in context, seemed like it was about me. That made me feel super uncomfortable, and like the trust and respect in our friendship was broken - after having been there for her many times, and often feeling like there was an imbalance in our relationship where she can lean on me (sometimes to the point where I feel my personal boundaries were not respected) but I could not lean on her. A few days later, we had an ant problem in the house, where the ants came in through my window and went into the kitchen. One of our new housemates freaked out, started shouting about how disgusting in was, and then told the person she was speaking to on the phone that they were coming from my room and then laughed really loudly. There was also another incident a couple months ago were she blamed something on me that later turned out to be her bad - she made a big deal about the problem when it was assumed I was the source of the problem, and then when we discovered it was her, she started downplaying it.
All of this has made me feel like really uncomfortable and judged. We have had a few house meetings since, and the situation has improved a bit, although the kitchen is still often a mess. I cook less often just because I feel guilty/uncomfortable using the space. I have confronted my friend directly about her behavior, and she denied that the whispering was about me (which is semi-plausible, so I don't know about that) but did not take responsibility for her behavior (i.e. that she is equally culpable for the mess and that she has not been taking responsibility for it).
I recognize that I can only do some much about her self-awareness and/or accountability. However, this feeling of internalized guilt and feeling judged is something I feel in a low grade way throughout the day, and that I worry about most nights as I fall asleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night. I recognize that the amount of time I spent worrying about this is ridiculous, and stems from being insecure/a people pleaser/fear of judgement, but I would like some tips for how to let go on those feelings.
Thanks for reading this far. I know this is kind of a pretty problem, but I am having trouble letting go and would appreciate any insights or tips!