Feeling of dying, help!

[Lilac]

I suffer so badly right now. But I can't find the words, I can't really describe it. I just have to express *something*. I have taken four benzo pills ("Sobril, Norwegian brand, 10 mg), with a few shots of vodka. Terrible decision, but just want the awful feelings to disappear, which they don't anyways. They remains. The horrifying thoughts, the feeling of being abandoned soon
They will leave me.. Someone help me, I beg you :( Feels like I'm dying slowly here.

Sorry for any possible triggers...

[Lilac]

I have also started to cut myself again, I have lost control :( so sorry for the desperation, I know I'm not exactly an inspiration to anyone here right now. But you are the only ones who can understand.
Weak moment, please share

[cloudy black]

hello Lilac just want to acknowledge your cry for help. i dont know what to say other than i know that you are in a black place. is there anyone who knows you well that you can contact? you sound like you need practical help right now. because you are right in the black-void with the turbulence all around you. have you ever felt a kind of silence in your thoughts when you are what i call the eye of the storm?

you need to talk to someone today dont leave it. or just be with someone you dont have to talk. best not be on your own. take care x

[Lilac]

hello Lilac just want to acknowledge your cry for help. i dont know what to say other than i know that you are in a black place. is there anyone who knows you well that you can contact? you sound like you need practical help right now. because you are right in the black-void with the turbulence all around you. have you ever felt a kind of silence in your thoughts when you are what i call the eye of the storm?

you need to talk to someone today dont leave it. or just be with someone you dont have to talk. best not be on your own. take care x

I have no one I can trust about this. I have my parentes, but they will be too devastated. I can't involve my new boyfriend in frear of being abandobed. He seems like he would understand. But I can't risk it. I'm all alone. Don't want to tell friends. I have now taken pills, drinking too much alcohol, and thrown up my food. Anything to not feel. I just don't want to feel. I see a therapist. But the next session will be our last, as they do not believe at that hospital that I need further help. I have to go private, which didn't help last time and cost me a fortune. I am not diagnosed with Anything. They all think I'm too rational. Keeping me would be a waste of space. I do understand, kinda. I do function. Still, I want to say f*** the so called welfare system in Norway. We pay 50% taxes for.... Nothing. Well, that's not true either. But mental illness no one cares about. Unless you are a worst case scenario, and a danger to society. So next week is my last session, then I'm left to myself...

[Im-Suffering]

Instead of all the drama, do what you know to be true rather than give in to fear.

Talk to your boyfriend. 'he seems like he would understand'. What stops you from expressing yourself is the reason for all the issues. Cutting, vodka, whatever, will never let you escape yourself, ultimately.

Express yourself, but do it from love and not fear, do you understand?

We've both been here for a while, yes? Let's make some progress.

Time to look inside lilac. Once you exhaust all outward desperate measures. Face your demons by yourself, I promise they won't kill you. The monster inside will melt away like the illusion it is, revealing only self love and compassion. The complete opposite to the blood of cutting and the mind numbing of alcohol. Or the lies of fear.

Choose to let me help you, or not. But you see, either choice won't change the fact I have been with you since the beginning on this board. And I will continue to send light and love energy your way.

[Lilac]

I see what you are saying. But you don't know the whole story here, because I haven't told. I have actually told my boyfriend I want to do some explanation and tell hum stuff. But he's really pissed because I have been nagging so much while he's at work (due to his occupation, he's away a lot). I'm scared, and don't know when I see him again. But I fear he will leave me, that he already gates me because I have a tendency to act in certain ways. I don't want to elaborate. I'm drugget and tired. But yeah, I am going to talk to him, and he knows. Which is why I'm so anxious. And I think he avoids me, hates me.

[Lilac]

Sorry for the errors here, I'm writing on my stupid phone

[Im-Suffering]

What you think and what will happen are 2 different acts in the play. You know this from experience. Luckily your inner beliefs are sound and loving. Thats what you ultimately create in your life. The worry and mistrust are outward ego related and not from that part of you that knows the truth. So you'll be ok lilac.

[Lilac]

Thank you, Im-suffering...

[Im-Suffering]

I've always wished I could do more for you. Especially in times like this when you are hurting. Know I am with you in spirit, sending you good energy. And trying to open the door slightly with truth. But I do know you will be more than just ok.