The E-Man is making his return....it is time.

[Enduronman]

Hello to all newbies, members, friends, and Master's of the forum too.

I feel now as if the time has come, to return to a place where I felt welcomed, sensed sincerity, and met some really genuine people here as well.

I do not know how long it's been, since I disappeared. But, the reason for that was the fact that I had so, so many problems, troubles, issues of my own to deal with. That it was all I could even think about, feel, live, and it took everything that I had just to make it through all of that shit too. Now, I am in a 10 by 12 room at my Dad's house. And, this is where I spend the majority of my life as my life dictates and controls, what I can do, where I can go, how long I can do things, and pretty much makes all of the decisions for me. I have no choice, but to do what it will let me do.

For those of you that know what I am even talking about, I am as good as a Doctor can make me feel. For you newbies, or others that don't know what I'm talking about. I was attacked by a rare genetic disease 3 1/2 years ago, and, it destroyed my entire life. Took a toll on my mind, and is playing with my soul. It takes quite a few medications for me to even get up, to get through a day. In fact, most everything that I have to take is a controlled narcotic and makes all the pharmacy staff look at me, judge me, classify me, and piss me off in the process because this isn't what I had in mind for my future life to be. I didn't create this, make this up, or mislead anyone to get 5 controlled substances. My own physical self did, so fill the script please...lol

Anyway, hope all is as good as it can be as the holidays approach us all, and I will lurk around for a little while and see what's going on too.

Wishing you all the best.

Enduronman...

[Enduronman]

Yes. All I could type about was all of my own life's disasters and misery. I am not sure, that that has even changed at all. As I read my last post, I see and realize that it is almost exactly the same as what I would post now. Like, an exact copy. Yes, Chloe is in jail again for the 6th time. Yes, Kim is gone for good and has been since May 22nd. Yes, I flirt with girls as I search for my next serious relationship that will lead to marriage and have more or less interviewed 57 women already since August 1st. Only 1 came close to even making it and passing all the test. But, she answered 1 question wrong, which tells me a lot about the type of woman that she was. Not, the one that I would trust with what my future has in store. So, I continue to search, look, seeking that one...and planning my monthly return to see my Doc to talk about what happened when we finally corrected and helped one issue, but then we suddenly caused another issue. A medication that had worked great for almost 6 years had suddenly lost its effectiveness to help me. One drug, suppressed, the other drug...unreal..time to lurk and think...

[Nic Marsella]

hey, man...i wish i could help. but i surely am here to listen.

[Im-Suffering]

Read what I wrote to you in your stickied thread.

[AliasEQ]

Whatsup Chip! :) Long time, no see.

You're one of the strongest persons I've seen. Hope life gets easier for you man, stay strong. What happend to that one hot chick you were talking to?

Wish you the best man, really glad you're back! :)

[Dahila]

Yeah finally you are back and Alias was waiting for your help , he is in low point of his life right now and he needs some push, a little bit of push . Is that right Alias, or not:))) Chip is here and he will do a lot of goodness:)

[AliasEQ]

Haha Dahila, I already know what he's going to recommend me: "JUST TAKE A PILL!" :D

[Dahila]

Alias I take pills but when I was your age (100 years ago) I was trying really hard not to take anything. aat that time meds were not exactly like today. They made you a Zombie, no kidding. I had a 10 years stretch only on meditation, thanks to Mahatma Ghandi influence on me. Meditation was actually trendy then, hippy time;)) my happy time. I never stopped being one. This is why I am interested in healing, occult and a lot of other things:))
Yeah take a pill :))))

[Enduronman]

Hey all!!

I thank you all for taking the time to say hello. I love that short skit, and I'm going to look it up when I'm done typing. "Just take a pill!!!"..HAAAHA!!!

I have researched my next new medication into the ground. Joined a drug forum. Chatted with actual users. Compared it to what I have taken for almost 6 years without a reason to even discuss it or talk about it, and I am as ready as I will ever be to see if it is the ticket, to being able to take advantage of the ability that (Fentanyl) has given me in regard to mobility, movement, sitting, riding in a car, standing for 1 hour now. But, ready to go back to bed in 3 hours, 20 minutes. When I used to be ok for 8 to 10 if I was lucky. The (Fentanyl) suppressed its effectiveness and ability to help me stay awake (Ritalin). But, all will be ok on the 11th of December so I'm as good as I can be for now. I'm up at 11, because I slept till 1pm! HAAHA!!

I posted some shit in the looking for goodness, in the day. I made some. And, I think I need to let my Dad know that even though its just he and I (Chloe is in jail again) that we will still give thanks for the similarities that we share, that we are doing ok, that Chloe will come home in March, that through all these hardships we still do the best that we can, that we still give to others, and there are many things to be thankful for just between us 2. We really don't have to search for something good, its right in front of us. Life..

Going to do some writing for awhile, and hopefully get some sleep now, that I am comfortable, satisfied, convinced, that the new medication will help me even more then the stuff I have does. And, if it does cause me more anxiety, then she will just up the (Xanax) dosage until I am level.

Have a good night.

E-Man

[jessed03]

http://i.imgur.com/aEiztAO.gif


He's back!

[Enduronman]

And, still up at 5am too. I know why. Its the Holiday season. They, are tough on me as they may be for many others as well...

Have a good day.

E-Man.

[Dahila]

Hey my normal time to fall asleep is 4 am so do not feel lonely :)) in it:)

[Im-Suffering]

Most people who are anxious 'prone' tend to ruminate, you see? The 'secret' is to remain present. The true gift this holiday. Stay in the now. Practice, practice. The present brings with it its own set of problems to solve, and joys. Life unfolds into what you dwell upon, and also brings it's gifts, the 'magic', miracles of happiness if one was to trust, believe in a better day today, and not ruminate or continually recreate the feelings of the past.

Thoughts generate emotions, you see? Not the other way around. So living in a mindset of past mistakes, guilt, unhappy memories issues, etc, draw into the present those associated feelings. Not once does such a person get to see the joys of the present, all around him.


If there is pain in the present, then through the rumination one has been enmeshed in, the present has been recreated. Once the focus begins to shift into the now, your futures will 'follow'. What is desired in the now? You understand?

[Enduronman]

I am not anxious at all. I am upset, to know that this upcoming 1 day a year that my Father always used to look forward too, enjoy, and he always said the Thanksgiving Day prayer, was taken from him by greedy, selfish, unthoughtful, careless, thieves, that made the wrong choices and decisions and also lied to my Father as well. His own family members. There were (3) of them in on it, but all (28) of them knew about what was happening and not 1 of them could make a call to him, to tell him. He, lost his entire family, for the rest of his life. That, is the problem. Sadness, for a man that would do anything, for anyone. That, is the problem. There is no positive, bright, cheerful, happy way to twist it or turn it. I was up until 5 am writing him last night, about it, and about what they did, and that I am still there for him and love him. And, that I am proud, to be like him too. My Fathers day went from seeing all of his family, to sitting across from me. Just like that. I wish I could turn this negative, into something positive, but it is what it is. And, it was caused by the actions of others too.

I am just fine, and happy too, just to sit across the table from the one man, person, on this planet. That I KNOW loves, cares about, helps, gives too, supports, guides, trust, can count on, me. Those very people, are hard to find. They are few and far between. And, if anyone of you that reads this finds a person that can actually care about others and not just care about themselves or their own personal gains or interest, then do not let them go. You will never find another one, again.

My Father just came in, and I asked him if he read the letter I wrote last night? He said that he did, but Son, I am not bothered, upset, sad about what they chose to do and be and I'm not even affected that it is just you and I that gives thanks either. Then he said something that really struck home? He said, I just flipped the switch, and forgot about all of them. Um, I have just learned why, how, and also where my switch ability came from too. It came from him. He gave it to me, through genetics. And, it is a gift to have. I can flip that same switch, just like I did on October 25th when another person made the wrong decision that greatly impacted my life. I chose, to flip it, I did and they and everything about them that I had ever known or cared about, was instantly gone. All this time, 47 years and I thought that I was the only one that could do that, that I actually know of or about. No, he can too. And, he passed it on to me. Another thing, to gives Thanks for in a couple of days. It really is, going to be a great holiday, with my Dad.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can. Going to go elsewhere now.

E-Man

[NixonRulz]

Whatsup Chip! :) Long time, no see.

You're one of the strongest persons I've seen. Hope life gets easier for you man, stay strong. What happend to that one hot chick you were talking to?

Wish you the best man, really glad you're back! :)

Professor! nice to see you round these parts

Hope you are juggling loads of beautiful Sweden girls

[NixonRulz]

Eman! Nice to see you back home where you belong and inspire

This forum may have some hope after all

Seeing some old friends here may just be the start of another wave of kick ass advice

[Enduronman]

Good to see you all again.

I myself, just trying to reorganize the thoughts. Think about the future. Think about the holidays and how they are going to be different now. Think about the very few people that are left in my life that actually care about me. Think about how people within a family, can be so destructive and not even care, and leave the nice guy in ruin although he says he cares not. Think about my daughter being back in jail and gone until March. Think about why my other daughter fails a State ordered drug test in regard to regaining custody of a little girl. Think about how drugs, can be more important than ones own child. Think about the fact that my sister reported to me for 3 decades that my other parent was a terrible, horrible person and the whole time I doubted her, thought she was lying or making things up. Only to realize, see, live with the exact person that my sister said that she was at age 46 I learned who my other parent really was. Think about how nice it is not to be accused, blamed, yelled at, doubted, arguing, fighting with, is finally all gone, and is gone forever. I am happy about that one. Just,..thinking..:)

[Im-Suffering]

well, theres also association. meaning if someone ruminates (and not just anxious, maybe anger, guilt, betrayal, whatever) - the association, because the mind works that way, brings up memories of all the experiences associated with that feeling in the past. Same goes for happy experiences. For example, if you go to buy a couch, you might reflect on all of the couches you ever owned, seeing how your tastes have changed over the years, or simply to find some added feature you want, like a footrest that the previous one did not have. The mind is like a big file cabinet.

To tell you the truth, Id rather not have most of my memories, especially at this point, today is a low day for me. You may not know but I separated from my wife 3 months ago, it was quite the emotional shock and physical changes as she walked in one sunday while I was reading as usual and looked at me, and instead of saying the 'have you had coffee', she said, 'im leaving you', and as you can imagine out of the blue and after 14 years of memories, that was quite the bomb dropping. And so after a few hours of packing, I sat in my chair in shock and alone.

Today, she will come over to say goodbye for years, (no divorce yet), not to reconcile, but because tomorrow, thanksgiving day, she will be flying (moving) to australia with her son, and thats that. Remember, Im in florida. If thats not the same as a physical death, i dont know what is. To me, australia is the same distance as heaven, and just as far. yea, i dont fly.

I dont quite know what to do with abandonment feelings, so alone sometimes. For the first time on these message boards I think I may need some welcomed advice.

[Enduronman]

Well friend, I think that I may just have that to offer you. I can't do much else, as all of that was taken away in (1) single day if you recall? May 28th, 2012. Woke up, couldn't move my own hands, painful as hell, red, swollen, no specific reason. Couldn't move them for (10) days. Finally got the right medication so that they were not so painful, could move them, then a couple days later every joint in my entire body in intensely and severely painful, and the top of my hands and feet were burning like charcoal was laid on them. As I would lay in bed, it felt like a car was on top of me, and like I was being squeezed by a giant invisible vise. My life, ended on that one day. Everything that I had, bought, made, owned, and also my ability to walk, climb, stoop, kneel, crouch, reach, stand, sit, ride in a car, sleep peacefully without pain, house, furniture given to me by my Grandmother, was suddenly, instantly, gone...everything, just disappeared. POOF! And, my own two eyes had to watch it all happen and take place. You mentioned, like a death? Yes, that is exactly what my own life became and I had NO control over any of it. There was nothing, that I or anyone else could do to stop it, change it, fix it, make it better, alter it, adjust it, I just had to ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THIS WAS ALL GOING TO HAPPEN AND IT ALL DID HAPPEN TOO...THE END.

It is about acceptance friend. There is nothing else that will help you at this tough, heart-breaking, emotionally challenging, mindfully exhausting, moment in your life except, acceptance. YOU can not change other people, to what YOU think that they should think, believe, say, act, feel, or even do. People do, what is best for themselves. Period. Even if, it hurt the feelings of another person in this world whether close to them, or a complete stranger. Matters not, at all. I know of many, many, people that made decisions that hurt me, that hurt my Father, that hurt all three of my kids too. Those very people, will never be forgiven for their decisions to consider me, my Father, my children, as insignificant, unimportant, not valuable, and chose to be inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, greedy, thieves, and none of them thought of us during the moments that they decided to speak, say, do, act, lie, ignore, deny, refuse, dismiss, dispose of, ...us, or our feelings, or our thoughts on (28) pieces of paper, or our emotions, or how we would be made to feel inside for their own actions, decisions, and choices, that damaged and destroyed us all inside of our minds and hearts. Those people, mean the same to all of us, and we all did to them, and that is NOTHING AT ALL AND THERE IS NO CARE FOR THEM, IN ANY SINGLE WAY, SHAPE, FORM, LEFT INSIDE OF US, FOR THEM, AT ALL AND THERE NEVER, EVER, WILL BE AGAIN EITHER. It's just, gone. The same way that my Life disappeared, so did they too. POOF! The End....

So, this Thanksgiving Day tomorrow will be shared with the one man, that will always be there for me. My Dad. Everyone else, forgotten.

It will be a wonderful, meaningful, special, memorable day. Even though its just us two. We, are not like any of them, from our past...at all. Those people, are an entirely different breed to us.

Search for something good my friend, because its probably right in front on your face anyway...Really, it isn't hard to find. Tomorrow, is about "meaning and purpose" friend. Giving thanks, for those people in your life that represent, meaning, and purpose...Just like my own Dad does to me. He is the only one. At least, this year anyway.

Find the meaning. Find the purpose...

We all do care..you are not abandoned friend.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, and to all!

E-Man