existential loneliness

[cloudy black]

hello ive never done a chat thingie before. i have had anxiety and depression pretty much since i was born. my life is a left over of what the locusts ate. not much to go on but then my life is like this.

black cloud

oh dear im not having a particularly good night tonight. not seen anyone since yesterday afternoon. have not even bothered to find my door key to unlock my door to go out. i have managed to "perfect the art of not crying and over the years this has left me numb altho the last few days i have had tears streaming. i joined this forum because i am in need of wot i dont know. everything is futile and yet i keep going on. i am on yet another episode of gloom. another day in paradise i guess

[Anne1221]

Tell us more of your story. How old? Male or female? Do you work at all, go to school? How long felt like this? Ever gotten any professional help? That would be helpful.

[cloudy black]

hello Anne i am female and 50. no i don't work because of GAD. for most of my life i have been on the edge of society. i have felt like this since i was an infant, my mother lost her mother when i was 18 months old (mum was roughly aged 32 then) and to cope with the bereavement she took on a business from when i was 18 months until i was 11. i never really saw much of her. she was either busy in work the family home, reading a book or asleep. i have been to the GP "only when i run out of road" having GAD has been something i have been embarrassed and ashamed of and even now all these years later i still feel the same my family have no idea just how bad i get. in all these years my sister has only once seen me almost cracking up but to be fair my sister would like to be more supportive but i just dont want to have to acknowledge that i am all TOO OFTEN struggling.

i am having trouble with this forum it keeps telling me i need to log in and its doing my head in. dont know if i can keep signing in when i am in the middle of something... dont know how to get in touch with the right people to mention it. this is all new to me

thanks

[Anne1221]

Well, at least you have a supportive sister, and that's a good start. I wish you the best.

[cloudy black]

yes if i could just have taken her up on it but i just find it so hard to talk about my difficulties. and once again i put it off because my sister is having tests for a health concern that was raised by a friend who recognised that her symptoms were quite possibly serious.

[Anne1221]

That's understandable. But don't be afraid to talk about what you go through. Most people are understanding, especially if they are a relative. You don't have to give specifics, but just talk in general about how it's hard to worry all the time. Maybe you can give her some suggestions as to how she could be of help to you, like calling you, etc.

[Fahrenheit]

I had the logging in problem, too, but if you check the box that says 'keep me logged in' you should be fine - it just means less security if you share a computer.

I think you should talk to your sister. If she wants to be supportive, give her that chance! I know it is hard, especially when you don't want ti burden people or take up there time, but what reaching out to willing people actually does is bring you closer together and strengthen your relationship. Like Anne said, you don't need to talk about the specifics (that level of vulnerability can be really intimidating, especially if you aren't used to talking about your feelings) so you can just leave the specifics out and just talk about how if FEELS to worry all the time and be deal with loneliness etc. A lot of times, the details of our lives keep us apart, but how we FEEL about things can be where we find connection. For example, everyone on this forum lead different lives and get anxious about different things, but we are all able to relate to each other because we feel a lot of the same emotions. Take a chance. It is very scary, but sometimes you can't go at it alone.

That said, I know if your sister has serious health issues, that is a whole new situation, and you may need to give her space to deal with that. But even so, I think you can still bring up how you feel and you two can support each other. I hope she is healthy, and you two can talk things out!

[cloudy black]

oh thank you so much for your encouraging words. yes what you say sounds a more feasible thing to do. i am lucky with my sister i know. and i need to put my focus towards what you have said. rather than just keep thinking "oh this is just to heavy and anyway my sister has a lot on her plate" and it is so true that the details of our lives keep us apart. in the short time that i have been on this forum i feel that it is of benefit. as i do spend a lot of time on my own that i at times feel disconnected hence the existential descriptive term. but i do do stuff i am not totally a hermit.

[cloudy black]

thanks Anne1221 yeah my family never talk about things that really matter its always surface stuff. my parents cant deal with emotions so when i am feeling brittle i just have to leave and go home. as a result there are times when i am vague as to when i will visit next. when i was younger it was so unpredictable when i would visit but now they are older and they need support i fake it to make it where i can but then i need a few beers to manage my anxiety/depression levels.

[Fahrenheit]

Hey Cloudy,

Have you had a chance to talk to your sister, yet? I think it might be worth talking to your GP or trying out therapy. That way you can have two resources (three, if you include this forum) to lean on when your anxiety peaks. You say your family has never been good at delving into emotional stuff, and while that is not the basis of a healthy relationship, you may not be able to change that. I definitely believe people can change, but that requires them to be self-aware and willing, and until that happens, it is not your responsibility to show them the way. That said, not having that safe family life means that you have social needs that you will need to look for elsewhere. I think you and your sister can support each other in that way. I would say start building on that relationship, and then maybe you can find the courage and energy to begin other friendships - I imagine that can be a hard thing to do as you get older and don't have a work place to meet people. Maybe look into group therapy in your area?

Let us know how you are doing?

[cloudy black]

gosh i only just managed to find your message quite by chance obviously still finding my way! no i havent my life is a constant oscillation of anxiety or and depression at the mo its anxiety. i am going to see a counselor in a short while. i should be thinking what i need to talk about but once again i am so wound up with anxiety that i feel compelled to keep completely busy. :9( i have looked far and wide throughout my life to have some emotional connection...that i think that has led me away from my life purpose woteva that is i think my sister gets her xray result on thursday. better go. thanks for your message