My partner is struggling.....

[london]

Hi All,

I hope you don’t mind me posting here as it isn’t actually me who suffers with depression and anxiety it is my partner. We have been together for 11 years and have two small children. Both girls 3 and 6 years old.

She has suffered on and off ever since we have been together. When she feels low she becomes insanely jealous and can’t bear the thought of me interacting with any other women at all, even though it is compulsory with the job I do.

We have had some really tough years together but this year in particular has been the worst. We have very nearly split up twice so far this year and I am sure that if we didn’t have children then we definitely wouldn’t be together. I’m not saying that we are together just for the children’s sake because we do love each other very much but I am saying it is them that held us together when things got really difficult.

I have joined this forum to try and get a better understanding of how to best support her when she is feeling low. I have tried the soft approach, the understanding approach, the tough approach but nothing seems to work.

I have asked her what the main things are that she struggles with on a daily basis and she says

1) Getting the motivation to get out of bed in the morning (she literally just wants to hide under the duvet)
2) Face anyone else in the outside world (even friends)
3) Go out of the house

Can anyone relate to this? Is this normal when you are feeling depressed/anxious? Are there any other main things that I should be looking out for?

Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated, I know I haven’t been as supportive as I could/should have been but I just get so frustrated when she is having ‘another bad day’ it leads to us arguing a lot. I love her very much and I would hate it if we split up and turned our children’s lives upside down just because I wasn’t understanding enough of her illness.

Thanks in advance guys

[Anne1221]

She definitely has depression and would benefit greatly from some professional help, a therapist and maybe some medication. I feel like she feels when I don't take an antidepressant. Try to be patient as it is an awful thing to live with, and try not to push too much. Encourage her when she does well. Maybe some joint counseling for the two of you would help? I think it's more important for the goal to be for ya'll to figure out how to make her feel better,rather than you adjusting your behavior. She needs some help because her depression is rather oppressive. (you say it's a daily basis thing). The two of you are to be highly commended on putting the needs of your children in a level of great importance.

[Gwen123]

Hi, I don't know if I can help, but it's great that you're trying to understand your partner's illness and help her. One of the most helpful things for me is having people who try to understand and who know that if I can't get out of the house it's not because I'm being lazy. (By the way, it is really difficult to accurately describe anxiety and depression to someone who doesn't have it and I think it's really difficult for someone without mental illness to know what it's like in the head of someone with mental health problems, so don't beat yourself up if you don't "get it")

I have anxiety and depression and have those same problems as your partner described. Sometimes I wake up and feel sad and overwhelmed about my life and what I have to do that day, and sometimes there's not even a reason, I just don't feel able to get out of bed. My bed is a safe place where I don't have to face people who might judge me or have conversations with people or hear about terrible things going on in the world or face any responsibilities. It might not be the same for your partner, but try to understand that it is really hard sometimes to do the simplest things with anxiety and depression. Maybe try giving her an incentive to get up, like some really tasty breakfast or great smelling shampoo or shower gel that she can look forward to. Or something each week to look forward to like taking the kids for a picnic together.

The best thing you can probably do for your partner if you haven't already is to encourage her to get help from her GP. Her GP can refer her for counselling or try medication if that's something she'd like to explore. You'd be surprised by how many people have mental health problems; it's really common. It's not at all something to be embarrassed about.

Otherwise, try to be patient with your partner. If she feels down and wants to sit on the sofa watching rubbish TV, grab some ice cream and join her. If she wants to talk about things that are bothering her try to listen and be open minded. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you trying to balance everything with 2 kids as well. Take care of yourself too, there are places for friends and families of people with mental health problems to support each other. Maybe you can get more help there. Good luck :)

[Sarbear]

Hi, I am so sorry that you and your partner are going through all of this. My fiance and I have recently started going to see a therapist together, although we usually just talk about my anxiety. My fiance though has found it very helpful to come and it has helped him to understand what is going on with my mind and body. I too have found it helpful to have him be there, although he is usually just listening, because it means a lot to me that he is trying to understand and do what he can to help. Good luck and I hope things get better.