DieselBoy
09-06-2015, 02:53 PM
Hey yall, this is my first post here! A little background im 20 years old and am going to school to become a "certified" diesel mechanic. I worked in a heavy truck shop over the summer and did plenty of mechanical repair and tire changing. Im just going to school to get the more in depth back ground to accompany it and make myself more enticing for employers. Ive always had a problem with stress, worrying, anxiety and my weight. Im not "fat" persay. Standing with a shirt on i look like a big dude. But i have a somewhat large stomach and ummm "man breast" that are very pronounced. Ive always been very self conscious of my body. Buying things in a size bigger than they should be but then they are extremely baggy. So im constantly worrying about if i actually look like the monster i am in my head. Now going to something different for a bit. Ive always had a low threshold for stupid pointless banter. Im no good at it and i know people get sick of it to. But recently it has become increased tenfold. I love my family but dread talking to them about alot of stuff. The same questions everyday and such. Ive become more anti social aswell. I have great friends at school who dont bother me. But i like being alone when im at home. (still with my mom at home) Like when im driving home i sometimes wish i was going to my own home that is empty. Like i said. I love my family to death and am very protective of them. Another thing is i like doing stuff alone. Like i love going driving by myself, working by myself, going shooting by myself, just to name a few. This might seem weird but i hate how i look to family members. Sometimes i feel like im the stereotypical, mentally slower Child who is babied by the family. I just dont know where these thoughts and such come from. I never had a traumatic child hood. I never knew my father well, he lives in a different state and he ignores me and act like i dont exist. I was bullied as a kid but never very harshly. I started smoking awhile back. The nicotine helps me to relax. Sometimes i get to thinking and i slowly freak myself out. Like one time i got to thinking about if i would ever get a girl friend or get married. And i started thinking "what if she changes you, what if she turns you against your family, what if she dosnt love you" thats when i light a cigarette and i dont worry about it anymore. Ive always had a problem with the notion that a girl can love a man. It just seems like a weird idea to me. Im not sure where that comes from either. Im just looking to understand why i have these thoughts. And if it has any correlation to my childhood or whatever. If you need more info i can give more. Thank yall so much! God Bless.