Let's talk about control!

[Lilac]

Hi everyone,

I would like for us control freaks to share our thoughts and experiences, and what happens to us when we face situations we cannot control. A huge reason we get anxious is that we fear we lose control, or are constantly trying to control things that generally are impossible to control. People with health anxiety would like to control death, or definitely don't want to become seriously ill. But can we control illness or death - no we can't. So what happens? You get anxious.

I am a perfectionist, and because of that also a control freak. I've had health anxiety, with fear of getting ALS being the worst part, but somehow I got over it. But I am a control freak. If it was up to me, I'd control everything and everyone.

A part of my problem is that I am never good enough, or nothing ever becomes good enough. I feel like a failure at my job, though my boss and colleagues love me. I feel like a failure in my studies, though I always achieve good grades. I feel like a failed daughter, friend, girlfriend, though my loved ones constantly reassure me that I am more than good enough.

Take my boyfriend, for instance. Due to his job he's away a lot, and I am mostly alone. But we have a wonderful relationship anyway. But I would like to control him. If hours have passed without him texting me I get angry, and constantly look at my phone thinking to myself "send me a text you idiot!", because I don't want to be the first one to text all the time. And if he's online on Facebook or whatsapp or whatever and doesn't text me, or worst of all, does not answer one of my text right away, I get anxious and furious! But I too have been online on Facebook many times and not necessarily answered messages from people right away - sometimes I too take time to check Facebook on my phone but wait with answering texts until I have more time (like at work, for instance). But I know with myself that I don't do that to be an a*hole to people - it's simply because I would like to have more time when answering texts in case people start a conversation with me once I have texted them back. But being a perfectionist I think my boyfriend avoids texting me back, and being a control freak I want to control his phone habits. He takes his sweet time answering people in general, not just me. I have seen that. Yet, I take it personally.

Also, if he is online on Facebook when he i supposed to be at work, I start to wonder. But who's not online on Facebook at work nowadays? I am too. If he was such an insane control freak as me he would also constantly check if I were online while at work, and then go all ballistic in his mind thinking: "but she is supposed to work! Why is she online?"

I am always wondering if I am good enough for him, so naturally I also fear that someday he will leave me or cheat on me. But that is not the main reason I go all nuts - I just want to know all the time why he does the thing that he does. I want to know why he doesn't answer me right away, I want him to constantly sit by his phone and check for messages from me when we're not together. And be ready to answer me back in a minute. I want to know what he is feeling, and always think I say or do something wrong.

Most of these thoughts I NEVER express to him, because I know it is MY problem. MY insecurity. MY control monster. He has done nothing wrong, and we have a wonderful relationship. He is an amazing man.

This was one of my examples. Please share your story - are you familiar with this?

[Renge]

Hi Lilac,
I'm not gunna lie I cried a bit when I was reading this. I hadn't ever given thought to the idea that I was trying to control so much but I really am. I couldn't get over how similar we are when it comes to the texting. My thought process is identical to yours I think lol. I hate being the first person to text in the morning or to say I love you, I want him to do it first because I think that will somehow reassure me that he loves me and isn't fed up with me. I want to know that he's thinking of me and when he doesn't answer straight away I start thinking it's because he doesn't care or isn't thinking about me.
Like I said I hadn't ever thought of myself as a control freak but I think you've made me realise that's what this is.
Last night we were texting each other and he was out with friends, (another thing I struggle with because I'm not there and don't know what's going on.) We're both from the Reading area and he sent me a text message to tell me he was going to Loddon (an area really close to where he lives, like walking distance) BUT his phone auto corrected to 'London' and I'm ashamed to say I freaked out. Why was he going to London? What or who was in London? It was already late, why would he go there at that time and WHY would he tell me he was going there because he must know it would upset me and I'd be worried. This wasn't something that was planned and was now completely out of my hands so my anxiety shot right up. I messaged him asking if he was joking and seeing what had happened he sent me a reply correcting the mistake, it said 'Going to Loddon, lol' stupidly though, my anxiety was so high and my head in overdrive I read it as 'London lol' and then freaked out double because I thought he actually is going to London and he thinks its funny!
Obviously the mistake got cleared up but only after I'd phoned him and lost my s**t over the phone. I feel so guilty for it now, I know I completely overreacted but I couldn't stop myself. And if he actually had been going off to London at that time I don't know how I would have coped, it would have been completely out of my hands. It's not the only time its happened, I like things to follow a plan and when they don't it bothers me, even when they're not my plans. I want him to stick to what he said he was doing and not deviate from that, because my head can't manage it and I start panicking thinking 'why is he changing plans now, whose he with? what's going on?' (I sometimes even do the same thing with my brothers, I have to know whose going where and doing what and get really cross and unsettled if they change their plans about last minute.)
I know that he loves me and cares about me but there is some part of my head that keeps saying 'well if he loved me / cared about me he'd do this, or that or whatever it is I want him to do at the time.' Which is ridiculous, I realise, but I can't seem to break that pattern of thought and I try not mention these things to him but then they build up and eventually I have to say something. It's built up for so long I have a massive explosion over something small and look insane. He's so understanding but I worry every time I have one of these fits I'm driving him away and making him feel like me and my issues are the priority.
I'm taking my first step here though and admitting, I'm a control freak.

[Lilac]

Dearest Renge,

I'm so sorry for the extremely late reply, I've been busy with work and thesis writing.

I've got to say I'm actually quite relieved to see that you and I are so much alike - for what you are describing is a typical day for me. We have the exact same issues, in the same areas! You are indeed a "control freak", there is no doubt about that.

Like said, my boyfriend is away a lot due to work, and I spend most of my time completely alone. Sometimes weeks can go by without me seeing him. I am totally with you when you say that you like things to follow a plan, and should it not go that way you go nuts. A simple example from my own life is when I'm texting my boyfriend and he says he has to go to bed because he has to get up early in the morning, and I still see him online on Facebook for awhile after. I think "but you're supposed to be asleep!" Meanwhile, I do the exact same thing! I tell him I'm going to bed, and I actually don't even go to bed I stay up for hours sometimes chatting with friends on Facebook, watching TV series, etc. And sometimes I intend to sleep, but I can't sleep. So what do you do when you can't sleep and are bored? Check Facebook, snapchat, Instagram. But because I don't know HIS reasons for not going to bed right away, I freak out because he says something and does the opposite. I don't wonder what he does, just WHY he didn't go to sleep when he was supposed to. It is about controlling people and what they say, do, think, feel. I don't freak out on him though, never, I sit only with my thoughts. Sometimes I have freaked out in front of him too, but that has been with other issues.

Yes, being a control freak will eventually drive people away. We must accept that certain things cannot be controlled. Is it really desirable anyway? And why do we strive to control everything and everyone? I can only speak for myself, but there are two main reasons:

1. I want to be prepared for the worst thing to happen (better be safe than sorry). With my boyfriend, I want to be prepared for him to hurt me, leave me, whatever, but in reality I have NO reason for it. No more than anyone else in any other relationship.

2. I don't dare taking the chance of being happy, because if I do, if I stop worrying and preparing myself for the worst thing to happen, THEN something will happen. I remember when I suffered from severe health anxiety. People with health anxiety typically tried to control their bodies, avoiding illness, and especially avoiding death. But there is only one thing that is certain in this world: we're all gonna die. I was terrified I had ALS, the world's worst illness. And while I'm no longer afraid of having ALS, I don't want to hear about it, read about it, or NOT fear it, if you know what I mean. A part of me is still prepared, by knowing that ALS exists, and I can get it. A part of me still wants to fear it, because if I no longer fear the illness, it will get me.

So these are the two main reasons I, and probably many others with control issues and anxiety, try to obtain and maintain control. But we cannot control what our boyfriends do all the time. We cannot control their phone activities or Facebook activities. If your boyfriend went to London, there would be absolutely nothing you could do about it.

But remember this: If he did go to London, if that was the reality, something that actually happened, you would survive. Your world will not end, there would be no danger to your relationship.

Because, imagined problems are VERY often far worse than actual problems. Once you stand face to face with an actual problem or obstacle in your life, you put your fear aside, become rational and handle the issues. It is about surviving. A person who's suffered a heart attack often becomes happier, appreciate life more, eats healthier and exercise daily. Many heart patients say that they feel healthier now than before the hart attack.

Ask a person, a hypochondriac, who's terrified of having a heart attack if he exercise daily. Oh no, he would never, because physical activities put pressure to the heart! A well-known psychiatrist from my country is specialized in health anxiety, and has interviewed many people with heart-anxiety. They all say the same thing. They lives are probably far worse than the life of someone who's survived a heart attack, because he doesn't want to waste time worrying - he just wants to live. But having anxiety, being a control freak, is far more debilitating.

[SakuraFett]

Hey I want to jump in on this conversation and ask if either of you know much about codependency? I have a lot of the same problems as both of you with my relationships and it is tiring. I had a really bad bout of it this weekend when my bf went out camping with his friends and I originally went and had an anxiety issue about halfway through the day and "had" to leave. He thankfully took me home and then he went back to camping. Now in my mind I had the thought that he would leave camp a day early so that we could spend some time together but he ended up deciding to stay the full time and I absolutely lost it. I convinced myself that he didn't love me as much as I loved him and that I had been there for him so many times when he was hurting or needed something and now he couldn't be there for me?
Well thankfully I realized how selfish this was of me to think this way and I ended up finding something called "two codependents a fable". And it was basically my current relationship. We both suffer from depression and anxiety and both have these codependent tendencies. My anxiety is worse than his though and his depression is worse than mine so we have a weird yin and yang thing going. But we talked everything out and decided that we need to work on not being so codependent.
We only have control over our own actions and emotions and shouldn't mistakenly hand that power over to anyone. Not only is that stressful and unfair to you when you rely on someone else for your happiness, it is stressful and unfair when someone thinks they owe you happiness.

[crd08]

I have emetophobia,which Im sure people on here know, is the fear of vomiting. But I know this stems from a control issue. I HATE the idea of not being able to control my own body and body functions. I also don't drink or do anything that alternates how I feel, as I feel like I am not in "control" of myself. I've had issues with eating and body weight for the same reasons. I need to feel in control of myself, because I know I cannot control anybody else.
I do not have control issues with relationships though. As I said, my control issues are all with myself. I don't care what my boyfriend does (to an extent), nor do I ever question him. I trust him and don't let anything cloud that.
I know these control issues and this phobia is holding me back. I think of all the unnecessary stress and anxiety, all for nothing. It can be very frustrating.

[Renge]

Hello Lilac,
Please don't apologise I haven't been on-line much recently myself.
I was glad to hear back from you though. I do think you and I are very similar, especially with the need to control our relationships. I am constantly preparing myself for the worst and just waiting for him to leave me, even though as you said, there's no reason for me to think like that.
I also get panicked if too many things are going well at once. If my relationship is feeling stable and home life is calm and work is going well it starts to unsettle me because I'm just waiting for all of it to turn to s**t
After I've had my freak out about him ~(or sometimes to him) I'm always able to look at it and go 'well you blew that waaaay out of proportion' or 'what were you even worried about? You're ridiculous.' But as and when it's happening is the hardest time to try and rationalize with myself. Thats something I really need to work on.

[Renge]

Hi Sakura,
It's really interesting to hear about your boyfriend. I'm very dependant on mine but he is very independent which is great but at the same time adds to my anxiety because things go through my head like 'he doesn't need you, he could leave you any minute and he'd be fine, you don't have anything to offer him'' which is a horrible thing to think. I know on some level, in his own way he does need me and I've been there for him through various things but while he is normally very strong I'm constantly weak and needy and it worries me that he doesn't really understand why I can't just deal with more stuff on my own.