Anxiety, Alcohol & Regret- GUILT

[Bananas!]

Not really sure where to start with this one... I have a undiagnosed anxiety disorder ( have been to a few different counsellors and my GP about it.) For some reason, whenever I talk to a professional I can't help but brush off my symptoms as not that bad (as I fear being put on medication), but when I'm alone with my anxiety/obsessive thoughts, it can be unbearable...

Dealing with it on and off for years now, there are times when it recedes and I'm 'normal' but it's been ramped up to eleven over the last few months... I've just finished a very intense postgrad course and have started in a job I really like... I should be on top of the world but my anxiety is so hard to deal with it. I had to hand in a group project for my MA last week and couldn't stop obsessing over a little mistake I may have made (I mean a tiny mistake, like using one wrong word out of a 15,000 word paper). I could barely sleep over it...

So I go out with my friend to a bar/club to drink for the night, maybe make myself feel better. She reassures that my project is fine. We completely over-do it with booze and end up hammered. The result is I end up talking to a guy at the end of the night for about ten minutes. He was foreign so I get really enthusiastic telling him about all the places he should visit, etc. I get really friendly when I'm drunk (not flirty!) though I s'pose people might think I'm being flirty when it's really not my intention. I gave him a hug, and he put his hands on my hips. Being completely hammered, it takes me a minute to register this but I move away from him. He asks if he could meet up with me sometime and I say "No, I have a boyfriend" and we part ways.

Now, I have a boyfriend for nearly six years, I love him so much. But I feel unbelievably guilty about what happened with this guy. Even though we didnt so much as kiss and I had no attraction to him. I think he just got the wrong idea because of my (over)-friendliness! I told my boyfriend about the whole thing and how worried I felt, especially as my memory is not great (thank you, alcohol.) I'm 100% sure nothing more happened but it's like my mind won't let it go? The guilt is unbelievable!

Am I totally in the wrong here, or is it just my anxiety making me crazy? Any thoughts?

[carlak]

Hi,

The same happens to me when I drink..you know the "over friendliness". I also dated a guy whilst I was still studying, and the same happened to me...a couple of times and I know exactly what you mean by feeling guilty. I could never tell him though, even though nothing ever happened, seeing as he was REALLY jealous. We, struggling with anxiety, tend to make it worse, in our head, but it's actually not really that bad. So no, I would say it's just the anxiety of maybe he won't get over it or you will lose him, or what if something really happened but you just can't remember it (happens to me :( )etc, etc. All the what if's. If you know nothing happened, which I'm sure is the case, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. He also just need to give you a bit of reassurance that everything is still fine between the two of you, so that you don't need to worry about that too. And...don't try to think too much about "it", seeing as it's already in the past and you can't do anything about it now. lol. Good luck, and go slow on the booze...it makes the anxiety worse. ;)

[Bananas!]

Hi Carlak,

Thanks so much for your reply. It feels good (in a weird way) that somebody else has gone through the same thing. Well, I definitely will not be drinking like that for a long time, I can't handle the emotional comedown aspect of hangovers anymore. They are just not worth it!

In any case, what you describing are exactly the thoughts that are running through my head like "What if something did happen and I just can't remember?" and then of course the fear of losing my BF who I love to bits. The annoying thing is, if that encounter had occured when I was single I wouldn't give it a second thought, as I really dont believe anything happened (other than the hugs and my over-friendliness!). It just annoys me (and makes me feel a bit sick if Im honest) that I was in a position where another dude could put his hands on me like that and its like I was too out of it to stop him?! Not a good place to be! Of course, I did step away from him and said I had a boyfriend. I imagine my reaction time was just slow, rather than I kissed him and forgot about it! I think I would remember that above all else even if my memory is a bit hazy!

Thanks again for your reply!