feel like I am about to lose it

[mrslizzyg]

This is going to be long- don't need to read unless you want to. I just need to get my thoughts out or I really am going to lose it. Just a few weeks ago everything was going so great- I was happy. Now, here I am again.. anxious and depressed not able to get out of my damn head.

Is it fair to say I am just flat out exhausted by the cycle my anxiety puts me through, over and over and f*cking over again?

My stomach has been sick constantly for the last week, I can't eat anything without it making me hurt. My back aches. My shoulders ache.

My brain feels exhausted even when I am not really doing much. Sitting in silence is probably the MOST exhausting because I have nothing to distract from the thoughts racing around in my head.

When I am at home, I don't feel happy... I feel the mundane routine I am living in slowly eating my life away. Wake up, go to work, go home, exercise, take a bath, eat dinner, watch TV, go to sleep... Usually I lay in bed trying to sleep for an hour or two before it actually happens, so I wake up tired EVERY.SINGLE. DAY. Usually bicker with my husband somewhere in between all of that, we haven't been getting along again lately, which is both of our faults. We argue more than talk recently.

Saturday I went shooting with my husband and some friends. This isn't really my cup of tea, anyways, but I go regardless. I felt on the edge of a panic attack the whole time. The loud guns and all the people around make me want to retreat. I tried my best to act "normal" but in reality the whole time I was battling my own mind.. Trying to remind myself everything was OK and there was nothing to be afraid of. My husband told me later I was a "Debbie downer"... so much for trying? Once I explained myself and how I felt he seemed to be understanding but.. I can't help but feel like I failed. Next time I probably will just stay home, so not to ruin anyone else's time again..

Yesterday was just.. off. I ended the day with a panic attack.. My husband and I went for a bike ride... My bike has been giving me some issues lately so I have already been irritated with it.. but at the end of the ride something came off my bike, got stuck in my gears, and my peddles locked on me. I almost crashed head first but I caught myself, then frustrated, I threw my bike down and sat in the grass on the side. The response I heard was, "what the f*ck is wrong now?" I instantly just went into panic mode. I sat there crying in the grass like an idiot, hyperventilating, over something that wasn't even a big deal.


I don't get why I have to feel like this. There are so many people in the world, hell even on this forum, going through so much worse shit than me. Most would say, hey! You have a job, a house, a husband, a car, etc etc.. you are bless! Be happy!!


I am not happy. With no good reason to not be happy.

Medications make me want to scream. The last one I tried put me in the hospital with pancreatitis(yes, it was concluded as the cause.. not alcohol..) I don't have any money to see a therapist which I have tried in the past.

I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be happy, carefree, fearless....
but my fears cripple me.

I'm so nostalgic sometimes. Once upon a time when I was a teenager, I was comfortable with myself and happy with life. Sure, maybe a little bit too reckless as I was a teenager.. but at least happy. Now as an adult I feel boring and naggy and I don't feel like I can been fearless or carefree anymore. There are too many things that could go wrong to not worry about it.


Exhausted. Just down right exhausted.

Just sitting here at work, knowing I have stuff to do, makes me want to panic. I feel completely overwhelmed... what a stupid thing to be anxious over.


and a few weeks ago, I felt like I was on top of the world.

what the hell happened?

[superchick22684]

Not that its very helpful but please know you are not alone in feeling like everything is falling apart around you. Life can be messy even without anxiety to make it even more complicated. Sending you positive vibes that things will start looking up soon.

[mrslizzyg]

in feeling like everything is falling apart around you.

This, is a perfect way to describe how I feel.

Which is why I think I had a panic attack over my stupid bike. It was like the cherry on the sundae, you know? I just lost it.. and I feel like that wasn't the last time.

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the positive vibes :)

[anxietyauntie]

Just sitting here at work, knowing I have stuff to do, makes me want to panic. I feel completely overwhelmed... what a stupid thing to be anxious over.


and a few weeks ago, I felt like I was on top of the world.

what the hell happened?

First of all - totally not a stupid thing to be anxious about. My fiance has said to me that it is about what your reality is. Even if you rationally know that something isn't as big as you are making it in your head, it is still what you are feeling. You should embrace that and work with it, not diminish it. From someone who doesn't have anxiety but has watched me go through it, I thought that was quite profound and actually a helpful way to move towards accepting anxiety and working on it in a more positive way.

Man I know the feeling of feeling like out of nowhere you are suddenly back at square one. I told my therapist this recently and she said that instead of thinking where I am recently and focusing on day to day differences, I should be trying to look at the bigger picture. Compare where I am now to where I was several months ago. Sometimes because the good days are SO good, the bad days seem so much worse. Perspective can be difficult, but powerful to help you work on your feelings about anxiety.

All of that is ultimately just talk though, but remember we hear you, we are here for you and you are not alone in feeling like this.

In NZ we say 'Kia Kaha' - it means be strong, but also has a broader meaning about being courageous in the face of adversity. You are so courageous, just remember that when you are down :)

[NixonRulz]

Lindsey - A few weeks ago you and your husband almost called it quits and decided that you both would really put some effort in the relationship and it seemed like you were doing fun things together

But it is hard to maintain that level for long before you find your way back to who you both really are. Based on your description of your relationship, it doesn't seem that you like him very much anymore. Not that you don't love him, it appears you do not like the way he treats you anymore and he had a hard time accepting your anxiety issues.

But that is part of the package of you. Like it or not

I am not suggesting a divorce since I have no real idea of your situation but I know one thing holds true in any relationship. You either accept the person as they are with all of their flaws or you realize that the things you have issue with are too much for you to handle.

Waiting for someone to change into what you want rarely happens. They may change briefly when they feel you are at the end of your rope but they always seem to return to the person they really are. Flaws and all.

I hope you find your way. You are really fun when you are happy

[mrslizzyg]

First of all - totally not a stupid thing to be anxious about. My fiance has said to me that it is about what your reality is. Even if you rationally know that something isn't as big as you are making it in your head, it is still what you are feeling. You should embrace that and work with it, not diminish it. From someone who doesn't have anxiety but has watched me go through it, I thought that was quite profound and actually a helpful way to move towards accepting anxiety and working on it in a more positive way.

Man I know the feeling of feeling like out of nowhere you are suddenly back at square one. I told my therapist this recently and she said that instead of thinking where I am recently and focusing on day to day differences, I should be trying to look at the bigger picture. Compare where I am now to where I was several months ago. Sometimes because the good days are SO good, the bad days seem so much worse. Perspective can be difficult, but powerful to help you work on your feelings about anxiety.

All of that is ultimately just talk though, but remember we hear you, we are here for you and you are not alone in feeling like this.

In NZ we say 'Kia Kaha' - it means be strong, but also has a broader meaning about being courageous in the face of adversity. You are so courageous, just remember that when you are down :)

Thank you for all of this. You have a lot of perspective that is helpful and are very kind as well.




Lindsey - A few weeks ago you and your husband almost called it quits and decided that you both would really put some effort in the relationship and it seemed like you were doing fun things together

But it is hard to maintain that level for long before you find your way back to who you both really are. Based on your description of your relationship, it doesn't seem that you like him very much anymore. Not that you don't love him, it appears you do not like the way he treats you anymore and he had a hard time accepting your anxiety issues.

But that is part of the package of you. Like it or not

I am not suggesting a divorce since I have no real idea of your situation but I know one thing holds true in any relationship. You either accept the person as they are with all of their flaws or you realize that the things you have issue with are too much for you to handle.

Waiting for someone to change into what you want rarely happens. They may change briefly when they feel you are at the end of your rope but they always seem to return to the person they really are. Flaws and all.

I hope you find your way. You are really fun when you are happy

Nixon--

Maybe I have my time frames mixed up.. but I feel like everything was going really well not long ago! I was super happy for a while.. and then it all went to shit again.

I went out to coffee with my best friend and talked about everything..

For once, I don't really feel like I am the issue right now. I think my husband is having some issues deciding if I AM WHAT HE WANTS, not the other way around.

He had a phone call with his dad a couple weeks ago, saying how "this life" isn't what he imagined for his son. That is, outside of their religion- Mormon. In their eyes I am solely the reason he doesn't go to church anymore, I am the "problem."

Things have been weird since then. My husband has been in the back and forth mode with me being amazing or me being annoying.

I'm wondering if he is just torn between what his family and what his church expect of him, and what he expects of himself..

So tonight, I am going to put it all out on the table. I am going to tell him what I want my life to look like, and I want him to tell me what he wants his life to look like. If those two ideas don't mesh, or we can't compromise a few things to make them mesh and we are both happy about it, this is going to be a never ending cycle of shit.

This post isn't solely about my marriage though. There are a lot of other things going on wiht me keeping me from feeling happy..I am just sick and tired of my anxiety and depression getting me in such a deep shitty rut. I can't even work because I can't stop over thinking everything. I am always worried and scared about what is next...

[Goomba]

Gunshots

Bike wreck

Obligations at work

A daily routine you don't enjoy


All things that threaten that need to control.

[mrslizzyg]

Gunshots

Bike wreck

Obligations at work

A daily routine you don't enjoy


All things that threaten that need to control.

I never even thought about it from that perspective.

Thank you

[Im-Suffering]

It is more than that.

As some of you know from another thread i have now my own struggles, as my wife of some decades abruptly left me without warning last weekend along with my son. How's that for shock/trauma? It was just an average sunday as i was looking out the window from my chair as she approached me and said "im leaving'.

I am saying this here because this is the sort of sudden trauma we all have to deal with at some point, not necessarily the same event, but ones that shock the psyche nonetheless, so no need to wonder where any anxiety comes from, we are all aware of our own problems that fester behind our feelings.

I have stopped in here to remind you all, that the conscious mind is not the problem solver. So to dwell on things or worry is futile.

Here are a few quotes to better understand this : (Seth, Jane Roberts - The way toward health"

Once more, it is extremely important that someone keep his mind on his goals, and not burden his conscious mind by trying to figure out circumstances and conditions that are best handled by the infinite intelligence that is within his own subconscious mind. The way and the means will be taken care of. They will indeed appear almost effortlessly – but he must let the burden of worry go.”

And then, if you do find yourself dwelling on something unfavorable, practice these 3 steps:

“1. Immediately begin to live in the present as much as possible
2. Refuse to worry
3. When your thoughts do touch upon your particular problem in that present moment, imagine the best possible solution to the dilemma.”

And most importantly -

To solve a problem begin to minimize its characteristics, diminish its importance, rob it of your attention, refuse it your energy. The method is the opposite, of course, of what you are taught. That is why it seems to be so impractical.

“I have said this so many times – and I do realize it is difficult for everyone – but you cannot concentrate upon two things at once. So to the extent that you concentrate upon your pleasures, your accomplishments, and to the extent that you relate to the psychic and biological moment, you are refreshing yourselves. You are not projecting negatively, and you are allowing the problem to unwrinkle, unknot. You are denying it the energy of your attention that keeps it going. You do not spend time thinking that you have not used your abilities properly. You take it for granted that you ARE using them properly, and that allows them to fully develop.”

As my good friend Jess reminded me, and..:

for you Lindsey, so you can understand your swiftly changing feelings :

"Behind any disorder or disease of the body, especially chronic or deepseated, or any undesirable or disordered condition, in the most basic manner lies the need for expression, and when people feel that their areas of growth are being curtailed, then they instigate actions meant to clear the road, so to speak."

[Kuma]

I have not been here much recently, but stopped in today.

To I-S: I am sorry for the upheaval in your life. I can't imagine....

To Lindsey: Your idea of discussing your life goals and your husband's life goals, in a candid way, and exploring whether they are reconcilable or not, seems like a really good one. You might find that a marriage counselor / therapist could help to facilitate that discussion. (And another thought: the uncertainty around your marriage, and your anxiety, may not be two entirely separate things -- I guess you probably understand what I am saying there).

[mrslizzyg]

“I have said this so many times – and I do realize it is difficult for everyone – but you cannot concentrate upon two things at once. So to the extent that you concentrate upon your pleasures, your accomplishments, and to the extent that you relate to the psychic and biological moment, you are refreshing yourselves. You are not projecting negatively, and you are allowing the problem to unwrinkle, unknot. You are denying it the energy of your attention that keeps it going. You do not spend time thinking that you have not used your abilities properly. You take it for granted that you ARE using them properly, and that allows them to fully develop.”

As my good friend Jess reminded me, and..:

for you Lindsey, so you can understand your swiftly changing feelings :

"Behind any disorder or disease of the body, especially chronic or deepseated, or any undesirable or disordered condition, in the most basic manner lies the need for expression, and when people feel that their areas of growth are being curtailed, then they instigate actions meant to clear the road, so to speak."

IS- I had not heard the news from that other thread you guys have going.. I'm very sorry you are going through that at this time. I hope you find peace in the situation eventually.. keep your head up. You are a great and kind person.

Thank you for taking the time to still write this post.. The last part really jumped out at me.


Kuma- Oh absolutely, I think my marriage contributes a huge deal to my anxiety. It is a big part of my life- and if it were to fall apart, there are a lot of pieces I would need to pick up. I just don't think that is the ONLY place my anxiety comes from.

I haven't had a chance to talk with my husband yet. He had a long day yesterday and was very tired, so I don't see that as a good set up for a serious conversation.

On a better note- I have been looking for a new job and just got an offer today. It was a job I really wanted, too. Slowly working on changing at least the things in my life that I can. :)

[JohnC]

Hey mrslizzyg, Marriage is a tough one that's for sure. after 15 years of marriage my wife and i are finding out that we really don't have anything in common other than we both like the same music and well.............. 3 kids now! Guess we had two things music and good sex. I guess opposites do attract but it doesn't make it any easier. I can't leave her with three kids nor do i want to so it gives me some anxiety and sadness for what my life could have been but that's neither here nor there. She puts up with me and that means a lot to me especially with my anxiety and she is one of the hardest workers i have ever met. I guess i am just saying thats its not all perfect. You figure out what you need to do while your young cuz it gets a whole lot more complicated when you get older. Just sharing and most definitely do talk with your husband.

[Emptyoystershell]

I know how you feel. I constantly feel like my anxiety is going to one day just drive me out of my mind. Sending my good vibes to you and hoping things get easier.

[mrslizzyg]

Thanks for your well wishes everyone :)

I seem to be doing better than I was earlier this week.. I just hate how my anxiety can make me feel so hopeless.. I know better, and I know it goes away.. but in those moments it is SO hard to convince myself of that.

My birthday is tomorrow, so I am having a party, that will be fun! I also accepted a new job and start on the 31st! Two things to celebrate at one! Probably contributing to my good mood..

I hope all is well for you guys, too :)

[Kuma]

Thanks for your well wishes everyone :)

I seem to be doing better than I was earlier this week.. I just hate how my anxiety can make me feel so hopeless.. I know better, and I know it goes away.. but in those moments it is SO hard to convince myself of that.

My birthday is tomorrow, so I am having a party, that will be fun! I also accepted a new job and start on the 31st! Two things to celebrate at one! Probably contributing to my good mood..

I hope all is well for you guys, too :)

Happy birthday. And congratulations on the new job.