carlak
08-07-2015, 02:14 AM
Hi everyone. I'm going through a very difficult time distinguishing what is real and what is not. I basically spent the everyday this week doing research on anxiety, depersonalization , derealization, etc etc. I had my first episode of depersonalization in 2011 when one of my best friends passed away, and it was in the middle of my University mid-year exams - So I was under a lot of pressure. I was sitting on the couch busy studying when suddenly it felt as though I was looking at myself but from outside my body. I was completely frozen and couldn't move. I told myself that this is not real and that I need to move something to snap out of it...and so it happened and I snapped out of it. I was freaked out about this for a very long time. After 2 months after this episode everything went back to normal and I was fine until recently...I have quite a lot going on in my life at the moment, I resigned about 2 weeks ago and I'm moving to a farm in the Karoo to live with my boyfriend. I'm very scared of these uncertain times and of the unknown but also very excited at the same time. About 3 weeks ago, I lost my sh*t completely and it felt as though I'm going mentally insane. I couldn't sleep for the fear that I might be schizophrenic and that I'm lying somewhere in a coma, or sedated and that my whole life is a dream that I'm dreaming whilst lying somewhere etc. I started exercising and it went away for a while. About 2 weeks ago we (my boyfriend & I) went to friends of mine and we drank a bit and everything started again the next day. Ever since it's getting worse up till the point where I'm now. Not sure how to describe it but will try...My life feels "real" but as if in a dream of some alternate reality. I can connect with people and still try to engage in conversation etc, but feels like it's not me talking. Every time I felt like this I would just tell myself that it's only the anxiety talking and messing with me, but today it's different. I watched a movie last night where this girl also moves between realities but not by choice and everything just went downhill from there. I woke up this morning feeling ok, but "unreal" and that my boyfriend, parents, friends etc, are all just a figment of my imagination??? I accepted the idea that my life and everything is not "real", even though I get moments that I tell myself that is is in fact real, but then just go back into thinking that it's not. I feel like this 24/7 and fear that I might really be crazy and/or schizophrenic??? I made an appointment with a cognitive-behavioral therapist for Monday, so hopefully he can help. Is there anyone that feels like this, because even now writing this feels unreal! Sorry for the long post. :)