anxiety causing relationship worries

[SakuraFett]

Ok so this is a tough one but I want honest opinions here and I definitely don't want anyone to sugarcoat anything for me. If I'm being melodramatic and just giving into anxiety fears then please tell me!
So the situation is that my boyfriend went on a short vacation today. I know that sounds trivial but I've been having problems with an eye infection since Monday and I have been just a big emotional ball of crazy anxiety since they told me what it was on Monday. I have been super freaking out pretty much all day everyday since Monday and I told my boyfriend when this happened that if my eye wasn't better by today then I wasn't going on the vacation because I didn't want to be too far away from home in case something happened. Well I never asked him to not go and I would never ask him to not go but I am really sad that he went. I'm sure I'm just being irrational but I can't help but feel like maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him if he could go on a vacation and leave me home to stew in my worry alone all weekend. I know that is also really unfair of me because this vacation has been planned for months with his friends and my bf has social anxiety along with other anxieties too so he was really afraid to cancel because he didn't want to cancel last minute and he hasn't had much opportunity to hang out with these friends for a while. So I guess I'm just asking someone to tell me that I'm being crazy and that he had every right to take this vacation because he shouldn't have to put his life on hold for my anxieties. Sorry for rambling if that's what this has turned into.

[mrslizzyg]

Ok so this is a tough one but I want honest opinions here and I definitely don't want anyone to sugarcoat anything for me. If I'm being melodramatic and just giving into anxiety fears then please tell me!
So the situation is that my boyfriend went on a short vacation today. I know that sounds trivial but I've been having problems with an eye infection since Monday and I have been just a big emotional ball of crazy anxiety since they told me what it was on Monday. I have been super freaking out pretty much all day everyday since Monday and I told my boyfriend when this happened that if my eye wasn't better by today then I wasn't going on the vacation because I didn't want to be too far away from home in case something happened. Well I never asked him to not go and I would never ask him to not go but I am really sad that he went. I'm sure I'm just being irrational but I can't help but feel like maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him if he could go on a vacation and leave me home to stew in my worry alone all weekend. I know that is also really unfair of me because this vacation has been planned for months with his friends and my bf has social anxiety along with other anxieties too so he was really afraid to cancel because he didn't want to cancel last minute and he hasn't had much opportunity to hang out with these friends for a while. So I guess I'm just asking someone to tell me that I'm being crazy and that he had every right to take this vacation because he shouldn't have to put his life on hold for my anxieties. Sorry for rambling if that's what this has turned into.

I was this person for a long time with my husband. It caused nothing but issues and in reality never fixed anything, if he stayed home, I was just the wife who made him miss out on fun. And why? Because I wanted HIM to fix MY anxiety? It doesn't work that way.


Your FEELINGS are valid. You are sad he went and that you have to be alone all stressed out.

BUT, only YOU are responsible for your feelings. He doesn't have to miss out on having fun on vacation because you are stressed. He has the right to go have fun without, and it does not mean he doesn't care.

HE CANNOT FIX THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING. Even if he was home, would you stop stressing about this? No. You would just have someone to help distract you.. but you need to be capable of distracting yourself. :)

Find things to do to keep yourself busy on your own. Don't let your anxiety tell you what he did makes him love you less. It is OK to have fun without eachother.

I'm being serious when I said I was this person- I did it for 3 years. It caused so much resentment in my marriage because my husband could never go have any fun without me. My marriage has thrived now that I have stopped holding him responsible for "fixing" my anxiety or making him feel like he can't go have fun when I am miserable.

Misery loves company, remember? But no one likes to be with misery.

[NixonRulz]

You shouldn't be upset that he went. This is your issue, not his

He still loves you I am certain but canceling last minute wouldn't be right when, let's face it, over something that even you know is irrational

Something tells me that if you had a real issue, there would be no question that he would be right there with you

[NixonRulz]

I was this person for a long time with my husband. It caused nothing but issues and in reality never fixed anything, if he stayed home, I was just the wife who made him miss out on fun. And why? Because I wanted HIM to fix MY anxiety? It doesn't work that way.


Your FEELINGS are valid. You are sad hpe went and that you have to be alone all stressed out.

BUT, only YOU are responsible for your feelings. He doesn't have to miss out on having fun on vacation because you are stressed. He has the right to go have fun without, and it does not mean he doesn't care.

HE CANNOT FIX THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING. Even if he was home, would you stop stressing about this? No. You would just have someone to help distract you.. but you need to be capable of distracting yourself. :)

Find things to do to keep yourself busy on your own. Don't let your anxiety tell you what he did makes him love you less. It is OK to have fun without eachother.

I'm being serious when I said I was this person- I did it for 3 years. It caused so much resentment in my marriage because my husband could never go have any fun without me. My marriage has thrived now that I have stopped holding him responsible for "fixing" my anxiety or making him feel like he can't go have fun when I am miserable.

Misery loves company, remember? But no one likes to be with misery.

You know, Linz, you are getting pretty good at this

[mrslizzyg]

You know, Linz, you are getting pretty good at this


YAY! lol :) Just speaking from experience honestly.

[SakuraFett]

Omg thank you both so much for replying. I was having a really tough moment and started breaking down a little bit and bawling my eyes out(which really doesn't help the swelling). I do logically know that he has every right to go on this vacation and I do want him to have fun because he really does deserve it like I said he has anxiety issues too so he could use the fun time. I just had a paranoid though enter my head and really needed some logical back up so thank you guys again for that. Ever since this eye thing happened I have had super bad anxiety like almost as bad as it was since I first started having panic attacks. What exactly did you do lizzy to help yourself get over feeling like you needed someone to make you feel better?

[Jimmy jr makhaya]

Ok,i would say ive been like that,i even fought and broke up with my girl cos of the feeling that she couldnt be there for me cos she would tell me not to put more stresses on her becos i got anxiety,she would ask me to get her something and never ask how i feel and thats when we fought,but i also think i was being too much on her despite that i was really convinced i had a heart disease.she knew i was being anxious but she couldnt just tell me,now that i know,i feel sorry for that and i know you would never want your relationship turn that way,so the best way i think is assure yoself u just being in yo alert mode and anxiety is causing all that,and you will be able to make up yo thoughts and feel relieved,and try call for it when he isnt there then get assured nothing is goin to happen whether alone or having someone and even if something was really gonna happen,whats the best thing do you think he was gonna do,help you cry then what,and am sure its over the weekend and nothin really happened and next time just try be there with him and not let it kill your vibe

[Im-Suffering]

You know, Linz, you are getting pretty good at this

This ^ yes.

There is another layer for the OP any anyone reading this to look at, accomplished by rearranging the usually accepted psychological process (resulting in further enlightenment).

Lets look at the OP's statement (or fear) - a typical observation

"anxiety causing relationship worries"

anxiety > (affecting) > relationship > worry > doubt > fear

So now lets go back on the timeline (before the anxiety or physical manifestation) to show whats really happening here :

Emotional or mental unresolved problem(s) or conflict(s) spent brooding over for many years (the habit of repeating unhealthy thought patterns starting from life year 0 (yes zero)) > doubt > weariness > worry > fear > guilt, shame, remorse > fear upon fear upon doubt upon worry > FINALLY.....manifestation of an anxiety disorder or anxious state with panic 'attacks' > unwanted thoughts (im in trouble, my life is in trouble, my relationships are in trouble)

The OP started her thinking toward the end (anxiety) and therefor is missing the necessary ingredients that came before it. You cannot cook meatloaf and leave out the meat, or the condiments that give it flavor.

The emotional or mental unresolved problems or conflicts include false beliefs that trigger the whole process. And so everything physically experienced or expected is a manifestation of that internal problem at a later stage.

Heal the childhood or psychological wounds that precede the emotional problems (that created them), and the thoughts or worries will not even exist, by magic they will disappear along with the beliefs that created them.

One can follow the effects back to the cause, and in fact that is what they are supposed to do. That is the purpose, and the way toward healing. The 'crazy' behaviors are the inner beliefs resulting from the prolonged mental unresolved problems, and the eye physical issue is a manifestation of that, a trigger if you will.

[mrslizzyg]

Omg thank you both so much for replying. I was having a really tough moment and started breaking down a little bit and bawling my eyes out(which really doesn't help the swelling). I do logically know that he has every right to go on this vacation and I do want him to have fun because he really does deserve it like I said he has anxiety issues too so he could use the fun time. I just had a paranoid though enter my head and really needed some logical back up so thank you guys again for that. Ever since this eye thing happened I have had super bad anxiety like almost as bad as it was since I first started having panic attacks. What exactly did you do lizzy to help yourself get over feeling like you needed someone to make you feel better?

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to answer ya, busy weekend!

Anyways, to be honest I just stopped doing it. If he wanted to go have fun and it made me feel anxious or upset, I bit my tongue told him to have fun doing it.
It was REALLY, REALLY hard at first. Sometimes I would cry for a while after he left...
Over time, it got better, and it got easier. I was no longer biting my tongue, I genuinely wanted him to go have a good time. Now I am content being home without him- I get some time to do what I want!!