My Anxiety is Ruining My Love Life

[Princess133]

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world who goes to great lengths to show me he loves me. I love him so very much, but my anxiety tells me to keep him at a distance because I always think he's cheating on me or will cheat on me or will leave me because he's sick of my issues. He has been very patient so far and even expresses a want to marry me. But there's times where my anxiety is so bad (I can get accusatory over the littlest things) that it drives a wedge between us and I know it's all my fault. I've had issues with these fears of men hurting me my whole life and although I am better than I used to be about accusations and what not, I'm afraid that I will make the biggest mistake of my life by pushing away the guy of my dreams. I am very open about my issues and he tries to understand the best he can. I just don't know how to stop these thoughts that make me so miserable and ruin the peace of my relationship.

[CarlaB]

I know the feeling. You just have to learn to just ignore those negative thoughts. Relationships require risk to be successful. He obviously care about you so dont make the mistake of pushing him away or you may regret it. The thing about anxiety is its all in your head. Learn to control your thoughts because those fears of him cheating on you may come true if you keep thinking about it. Take small steps daily to deal with this and open up more about it to him.

[virtuouswomanx]

Love takes risks! I have been married for 10 years to the nicest guy on earth too. He has always been loyal, faithful and loving to me. He's a rare breed of men. It has not been easy because of my inability to receive love. So I relate to your feeling of pushing him away. You have to learn to love yourself first, and as you do, you will find yourself feeling worthy of such a great guy. As far as the anxiety with him cheating, I agree with Carla, you have to take your thoughts captive. If he does, you can handle it, and if he doesn't then he's a good man! You have to leave it at that, and try to stop thinking about it. I write a lot about shame and anxiety. my blog is called Virtuous Woman Exposed

[sae]

You have to learn to love yourself first, and as you do, you will find yourself feeling worthy of such a great guy.

This is an amazing statement! This is one of those lessons that is so hard to learn, but once you start it avalanches into a giant ball of confidence. Having confidence in yourself helps you to have confidence in those around you too.
It's difficult to unlearn old expectations. I have been with my partner in crime for about a year and a half and I have had to completely relearn what experience had taught me about relationships. After spending a little over a decade in an abusive relationship I was at least a little unprepared for normalcy. The first time I was asked "can I help you clean up?" I lost my mind. I wedged my fat self under a table, freaking out. I was conditioned to be afraid of physical harm in certain circumstances.
The first step is to lean out just a little bit, extend a little trust in spite of fearing the consequences. I am not going to lie, when I am asked "want any help picking up?" I still stiffen up a bit, apologize but I trust the dude I am with now couldn't even manage to accidentally hurt me. It's slow going, but as long as you're going, loving yourself, it's still progress.