Are you (like me) a perfectionist, control freak, or dependent on approval?

[Mr Jingles]

I was reading that: “Three of the most common characteristics of someone with an anxiety disorder are perfectionism, relying on others for approval and need for control.” (John Tsilimparis, MFT, director of the Anxiety and Panic Disorder Center of Los Angeles)

I found that those three characteristics were very strong in me. Are any of them strong in you?

Need for control comes through in me constantly. It's worst during a panic attack. I'm often thinking that I have to handle and control the panic in just the right way or I will lose control, suffer unbearably, go crazy. Of course this just sets off more panic. Even when I didn't have anxiety disorder, I was obsessing about doing things right, right answer to everything in life, etc. Feeling responsible for everything, like I couldn't just coast and let go. So definitely control but also perfectionism.

Perfectionism also comes through in that I obsess about little details, trying to optimize them. I can't seem to help myself, even when the best thing would be to just choose a good enough and then learn over time.

And approval of people, I've noticed that I feel like I need to answer every nosey question. I often feel a need to explain my life, my choices, everything, rather than just think "hey, they likely don't care and it's none of their business anyway." I've concealed my anxiety rather than just be honest and say I'm a wreck but it's not your problem. And for much of my life I worried about making something of myself, using life wisely, helping others rather than just doing what I really wanted which was to learn to relax and just not care so much, just chill once in a while.

Do you see perfectionism, relying on others for approval or need for control in yourself?

[Ponder]

Yes, but I would not worry about it too much. It's also called Ego. It's quite common, especially in those who would have us believe it's only us that suffer the condition. Kudos to you for taking the time to identify those areas you feel you need work on. I find people that make a condition out of those eager to please others, are the ones that have issues. After a while, you begin to work out who's worth the energy and who is best left to their own interest.

[NixonRulz]

I am a perfectionist as well but frankly, it's okay because, well, I am perfect :p

Needing people to like me used to be a big deal but as I get older and a bit more cynical, it isn't nearly as important.

Another trait of anxiety sufferers is being very creative. And that is a good one! We tend to look at all the negatives of anxiety and damn, it sure is easy to focus on that

But like everything else that runs through our minds, it's perception. If we would focus a bit more on the positive side of being wired like this, we all would be a lot better off

[needtogetwell]

I must be the control freak of the bunch. I am definitely one who has difficulties just going with the flow. I like to get all the answers and have difficulty when there simply are no answers. My current situation is a case in point.

Perfectionism is not me, I suppose it is a component of being ADHD, I tend to get sloppy and forget to do stuff.

I would agree with Nixon that there definitely is a creative element. Whether it is creativity with words or crafts, or the minds creative ability to manifest anxiety in so many ways.

[needtogetwell]

I am a perfectionist as well but frankly, it's okay because, well, I am perfect :p Needing people to like me used to be a big deal but as I get older and a bit more cynical, it isn't nearly as important. Another trait of anxiety sufferers is being very creative. And that is a good one! We tend to look at all the negatives of anxiety and damn, it sure is easy to focus on that But like everything else that runs through our minds, it's perception. If we would focus a bit more on the positive side of being wired like this, we all would be a lot better off

Yes you are perfect!! Stroke stroke. Got to be careful, can't let that ego swell any more!

[mrslizzyg]

I was reading that: “Three of the most common characteristics of someone with an anxiety disorder are perfectionism, relying on others for approval and need for control.” (John Tsilimparis, MFT, director of the Anxiety and Panic Disorder Center of Los Angeles)

I found that those three characteristics were very strong in me. Are any of them strong in you?

Need for control comes through in me constantly. It's worst during a panic attack. I'm often thinking that I have to handle and control the panic in just the right way or I will lose control, suffer unbearably, go crazy. Of course this just sets off more panic. Even when I didn't have anxiety disorder, I was obsessing about doing things right, right answer to everything in life, etc. Feeling responsible for everything, like I couldn't just coast and let go. So definitely control but also perfectionism.

Perfectionism also comes through in that I obsess about little details, trying to optimize them. I can't seem to help myself, even when the best thing would be to just choose a good enough and then learn over time.

And approval of people, I've noticed that I feel like I need to answer every nosey question. I often feel a need to explain my life, my choices, everything, rather than just think "hey, they likely don't care and it's none of their business anyway." I've concealed my anxiety rather than just be honest and say I'm a wreck but it's not your problem. And for much of my life I worried about making something of myself, using life wisely, helping others rather than just doing what I really wanted which was to learn to relax and just not care so much, just chill once in a while.

Do you see perfectionism, relying on others for approval or need for control in yourself?


I'm not a perfectionist.. Not even a little bit. lol. I kind of wish I had that trait though.

I think I do rely on approval of others too much. BIG downfall in my opinion. I'm working on this one. I want to just be content as myself and my own opinion and not give a crap if other people approve of it. Not to the point where I am a jerk but you know, just enough to stop worrying about it all the time..

Control freak.. ehhh. A little bit. Depends on the situation. If its something minor it doesn't bother me. If it's a big deal then yes I can go a little crazy.

Honestly though, I don't think these are all personality traits that can be tied directly to anxiety. I don't feel like there is a "cut and dry" for how the person with anxiety is. I also know control freaks, perfectionists, and people who need too much approval who do not suffer with anxiety.

We are all different. :)

[Mr Jingles]

@Nixon:
Thanks for the words on anxiety and creativity. I wasn't aware of the connection.

I googled "anxiety creativity" and found some interesting articles on channeling anxiety into creativity. I've been wanting to create lately, so I'm excited about, as you said, using this anxiety as a positive!

[Dahila]

I found the same, anxious people avoid others and they have such creative minds. Every artist on this planet is oversensitive and anxious. Is good to find some passion and channel the energies into it:))

[matty_t]

I'll bet once you started writing this, it started to make a lot of sense that these would easily contribute to anxiety. I myself have terrible anxiety which are intimately related to issues like these. In fact, it would probably be accurate to say that the first flare up of my anxiety occurred because of finishing studies and that loss of relying on others for approval - ie. teachers and friends. Don't despair though, sometimes I think that these traits can also contribute to warding off depression - being a perfectionist means you will never lose hope in trying to get better.

[Im-Suffering]

If one is not happy, then choose the opposite. No use in brooding, lamenting, masturbating with unwanted feelings.

Choose differently.

Desire, action, or changes, start with a firm decision. Burning bridges behind with no retreat until success is achieved.

Now this may sound monumental. But i tell you that going to the refrig to get cold water is a firm decision, with no retreat until the thirst is quenched. You simply must have that drink. There is 'magic' in understanding this analogy.

To live, was never meant to be a monumental task.

Begin by choosing the opposite of control, perfectionism, and approval. Or whatever the desire.

You cannot see the road ahead with no map and if you never even put the car in drive. Or sat in the seat endlessly brooding that you forgot your keys inside, refusing to move.

Should you sit in the seat lamenting over your keys, and that you will never solve this problem, the world would label you 'mentally challenged' ... and should this go on for sometime (stewing in your problems), you would become anxious, fearful, and doubtful that anything could ever change.

Your heart would race, you would sweat, feel trapped, nervous, adrenaline would flood the system, panic, restlessness, racing unwanted thoughts, stomach cramping, derealization, agoraphobia or fear of getting out...

All of this a natural, physiological and emotional impetus telling you (subconsciously) to :

Get the fuck out of the car and get the keys or find the (mental) reason why you are still sitting there.

Doing that would resolve the problem lifting the psychological need for any anxiety or its symptoms. As long as there is a need, there will be the push to resolve whatever is the stumbling block toward health, fulfillment.

The need is the answer to the inertia regarding unresolved or seemingly unsolvable issues. In clear terms, the keys were never more than a few steps away, but as the doubt sets in over time (unwanted thoughts that you are not capable of going to get your keys) those steps begin to seem like miles, even though the house, and the keys are a yard away.

This metaphor, in this post, is why all of you became anxious, you all share the symptoms, the framework, although your problems are unique to you. This is how it (anxiety as an illness) is formed over time and how unclear thinking can keep you hostage to false ideas and beliefs. And how a simple decision, backed by definiteness of purpose, and desire, can lead to effective transformation. Over time.

[superchick22684]

Not being in control is a huge thing for me so I suppose you could say that probably is a big reason why I developed anxiety. I have a hard time loosening my grip on the steering wheel and just going with the flow. Instead I'm gripping the steering wheel so tightly I'm getting white knuckles. Panicking or having an anxiety attack are probably the worst parts of anxiety because it feels like floor is getting pulled out from underneath you and it takes thing out of your control for a period of time.

I would probably have to say I'm also a victim of seeking others approval. I take a big psychological hit when I find that others don't approve of how I'm approaching certain situations or problems. I would love to know what it feels like not to give so much weight to the opinions of those around me. I've also always felt this need to appear to be independent like I don't need help from anyone else. In most cases I really do need the assistance but I don't like asking for it.

Like others brought up I've also heard that anxiety sufferers have the characteristic of being creative. I did a quick web search and found that a new study is claiming that there's a genetic link between mental health conditions and creativity. If you think about it some of most well known artists, authors and other creatives struggled with depression or other mental health issues.

[jessed03]

Life is about letting go. The lesson you're learning now is one we all have to learn at some point or another.

Just as we're inclined to cling to youth, power and life, we're also inclined to cling to ego, and control. But none of these things are things we can hold on to forever. You're learning that now earlier than most I'd expect, probably because your anxiety (a primitive state) has brought you closer to the rawness of human existence.

Have fun in life, but always understand what it is at heart - a losing game. It'll take you a long time to make peace with that, but eventually you'll reach a point where you're close enough to live fairly happily.

[gypsylee]

life is about letting go. The lesson you're learning now is one we all have to learn at some point or another.

Just as we're inclined to cling to youth, power and life, we're also inclined to cling to ego, and control. But none of these things are things we can hold on to forever. You're learning that now earlier than most i'd expect, probably because your anxiety (a primitive state) has brought you closer to the rawness of human existence.

Have fun in life, but always understand what it is at heart - a losing game. It'll take you a long time to make peace with that, but eventually you'll reach a point where you're close enough to live fairly happily.

this has been a very good post jesse :)

[NixonRulz]

Have fun in life, but always understand what it is at heart - a losing game.

Well put. It may suck but them are da dang rules

[needtogetwell]

Well put. It may suck but them are da dang rules

I want to change the rules, I'm not liking the game right now.

[mrslizzyg]

I want to change the rules, I'm not liking the game right now.
I totally agree!

[NixonRulz]

The rules are okay with me but I am with you Pam on your desire to change the rules

I hope you get those changes you want