Not feeling like a rock star

[whiterose]

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for about 5 years now. Worst part is I don't work and right now my husband cant find a job. So essentially we are living on food stamps and my parents money. Well actually worst part is like almost everybody in my family(especially my cousins)are all employed in great jobs and earning major bucks. Am I jealous? Heck yes. I had a great job for 3 years and lost it during the Great Recession. I was laid off. Now I feel like I Am a failure in my family and anxiety is Not helping me because it's saying...yes you are. Any advice? Words of encouragement? Thanks.

[gypsylee]

Hey there Whiterose,

Poverty absolutely sucks and makes anxiety/depression ten times worse. Anyone who reckons you can be poor and happy (in this society) either has never been there or is a liar. So I don't know, hopefully one or both of you gets a job soon. You aren't a failure though - things are tough these days. Are you in the US? It's really bad over there apparently.

All the best to you,
Gypsy x

[whiterose]

Yep live in good ol USA where living off food stamps and not working are the evil in the society. Doesn't.matter that most people (unlike me) work but can't earn enough to pay their bills and put food on the table. I'm hoping my husband can find work soon. Money problems send me into a mild panic attack and most of the time I just ignore it and sleep. I know not the best way to deal with it but I hate when we have to decide what bills to pay...if we can buy groceries (since food stamps aren't enough) and also worry about my animals and their health. No way I can afford a vet visit. Kills me. I love my dogs. Only sanity left in my life.

[gypsylee]

Yeah there are people who work who are homeless! Australia isn't so bad but we're going the same way. Having to worry about bills when you already have no money is just horrible and I don't blame you for sleeping.

[whiterose]

Thanks for understanding. Sometimes I feel like the other people dealing with anxiety have spouses or monetary support. Hardest part for me is not having enough money to live comfortably while dealing with my anxiety.

[gypsylee]

Well I've been there.. I've lived in share houses with alcoholics and drug addicts while trying to deal with severe anxiety/depression. Never been homeless but come close. It almost killed me.

[whiterose]

Wow that is scary. I spent in a pysch ward once for threatening to kill myself and was housed with recovering alcoholics and people with severe mental illness. I begged my mom to get me out of there the next day. To this day I will not admit myself to an hospital for suicidal thoughts because in my county where I live they put you in the county run pysch ward which is a nightmare. I put myself on suicide watch with my family and book an appointment to see my therapist asap. Crazy stuff.

[sae]

I thought i knew poverty. I had lived like a bohemian travelling with the Renaissance Faire circuit (a loooong time ago) but nothing could have prepared me for true poverty.
I was married. My husband managed his money like a Crack addict but we didn't have to worry about paying mortgage or having enough to eat. Financially life was much better than I gave it credit. Suddenly, like a fart in the wind, it was gone.
In the past three years the kid and I have lived in a women's shelter, been homeless, spent whole days in government offices, waiting in line in the rain with our bellies rumbling and our feet frozen. We have had to choose between having power and having water, lived in an apartment so small and squalorous we would sit in the breezeway just to escape the wretched heat inside. The very food pantry we once volunteered at as a church group now kept us fed, and we often had to choose between which canned vegetable would be our entire dinner. All this change happened suddenly, without warning.
I think understanding poverty and rising above it makes a person far stronger than most. I have elected to sign myself out of all government assistance with the exception of medical, mental health, and the survivor benefit simply because a healthy body and mind will aid me in getting back on my own two feet far better than anything I have to stand in line for.
I know that my financial situation is unique. I live on mere dollars, carefully budgeting every last penny, and living with very few amenities. I am, albeit barely, completely self sufficient. In the midst of all this I am headlong into a major career change into something far less dependent upon my health.
It's a long road, but little by little you will see yourself on the other side, finding great joy in little things that once seemed insignificant.

[whiterose]

Oh wow...I am so sorry to hear about your story and I applaud you for the steps you have taken to provide for you and your family. I know the stigma of government assistance. Even when we use our food stamp debit card at the grocery store I feel like disapproving eyes are looking at me. The first few months we were on food stamps I refused to go shopping with my husband because of that. Are you back in school or receiving job training? You mentioned a major career change.

[gypsylee]

You're a strong woman sae :)

[sae]

Oh wow...I am so sorry to hear about your story and I applaud you for the steps you have taken to provide for you and your family. I know the stigma of government assistance. Even when we use our food stamp debit card at the grocery store I feel like disapproving eyes are looking at me. The first few months we were on food stamps I refused to go shopping with my husband because of that. Are you back in school or receiving job training? You mentioned a major career change.

Oh, I hated the side eyed glances. Pair having to use the food stamp card with having anxiety and I was a wreck. I went shopping once a month, at 4 am, just to minimize the amount of people around me.

"I bet if she would get off her ass and get off welfare she wouldn't be so damned fat." I heard behind me one night at the grocery store. I sucked it up, palmed my food stamp card, and made a hasty retreat down the street carrying my bags. I maintained the whole 35 minute walk home but once I made it through my door I lost my shit.
I was trying, and damned hard, yet the same world that seemed to smile with me just the year before was having a good laugh at my expense. Admittedly it was the anxiety that drove me away from using government assistance. There were too many eyes each time I brandished that card.
I am kind of doing both finishing my degree and job training. I had one semester left when I had to drop my classes right before finals to plan the funeral. Since then my health changed, I could no longer pass a DOT physical, and I had to figure out something else to do. I decided to finish school, change my major (which since I went from education to STEM I have added another semester) and attend Autocad certification courses to become a mechanical drafter.
I have another full year total before I finish it all, but it's been going pretty well. I started my first Autocad class this past March and I start classes in August. The kid and I agreed to live cheap, give up cable and Internet, eat at home almost exclusively, and keep things simple just until I finish this out. I think it is a fair trade in the long run.

[whiterose]

Oh gosh I feel with you about the shopping trips. I have a hearing loss (need to wear hearing aids) and sometimes I purposefully leave them at home so I don't have to hear snide remarks from other people. Mechanical drafted sounds interesting! I thought about medical coder training for awhile but only because I thought I could work from home. Well for first two to three years you have to work in a medical office as a medical receptionist before being considered for a job as a medical coder. Since I have social anxiety that doesn't work for me. Good luck with your schooling.

[Pumpkin]

I can relate to the feeling like a failure part. I'm 19 years old and have not completed any college/university programs like my 3 older sisters have. I often compare myself to them and feel really crappy about myself. I just feel like a loser at times and it truly sucks.

With that said, you are your own person and do not need to compare yourself to those around you. Live at your own pace because sometimes things are way out of your control. Obviously stress will come with unemployment but with time and patience, work will come. Just try to get your resume out there and talk to people who might know somewhere that is hiring.

Anxiety and depression has most definitely ruined many great aspects of my life so I somewhat understand your struggle. All you can do right now is keep yourself busy and try to find a job. Surround yourself with good people and things that you enjoy doing. You can try volunteering places in the mean time as you never know what employment opportunities might follow. Best of luck!

[sae]

I chose drafting for several reasons, but mostly because the work environment seems just right. I sat with a friend of my father's at a machine shop he works at, watching her daily routine. She has a cubicle nestled amongst 4 others, and spends her day sequestered to her space, altering blueprints and emailing them to other places within the office. In Her typical day she has to talk to maybe 3 people, two are other drafters. She arrives early, plugs in her headphones, and the day sails by, she said.
She is slated to retire in the next year or so. After consulting with the head of the drafting department they agreed to hire me as soon as I was certified so I could possibly begin taking her place.
If you're good with computers and some math it's worth looking into. There are plenty of opportunities to draft from home and subcontract to companies and shops.

[whiterose]

Thank you for the words of encouragement Pumpkin! Right now my husband is looking for work and I will be signing up for disability because I cannot work nor volunteer due to my anxiety. I do donate and support local Animal rescues through social media and non monetary donations.

[whiterose]

Sadly but I am horrible at math. Barely passed it in high school. I was excellent at customer service but with my anxiety I am no longer considered a good candidate for that. I don't mind working with computers...it's just people I like to avoid. Even office environments can be terrifying for me. I like my house and we'll being home with my animals and taking care of my house.

[sae]

I sucked at math in high school but i was able to remember the similarity between problems well enough and recall the numbers used to fake my way through it. It took a little brain damage and losing my super cool almost eidetic memory to actually understand math outside of basic arithmetic, oddly enough. I actually had to study for the first time ever in college alegebra.
I have really enjoyed keeping a home lately. The tasks that were so nervewracking, the things undone that started so many violent episodes now are becoming soothing to me. Necessity breeds change. Sometimes I think I would like to stay like this forever, washing laundry and towel scrubbing floors, but my vacation away from employment is drawing to a close and necessity will breed another change.

[whiterose]

I feel like that sometimes too that yes..working is important but then I have an unique situation and possibility of getting some type of disability because my therapist that I have been seeing for 2 years says I'm not ready to return to work yet. Maybe one day but not now.it does make tougher because right now my husband isn't working but he is gettingjob interviews and something always seems to work out for us being temp job for him or along those lines. I applaud your courage to go back to school and then finding employment. You are a strong woman!

[Dahila]

Sae I hope you will get there. I agree poverty is the worst, it causes such anxiety and depression in everyone, it is terrifying.
Whiterose do not lose hope, look for a job and you will find it, so will your hubby. It is awful when you are around people who make a good money and you do not make any at all. I know how it feels , however (so far) I had not live in poverty, I do not have much but it is enough for me...........
Thanks for sharing your stories ladies