My most consistent trigger is repetition.

[Daimoth]

As the list of things that make my chest tight grew longer and longer, I realized it was being forced to do anything repeatedly (that also takes longer than a few seconds) that was itself the problem. Daily meditation and therapy every two weeks? The first few sessions go great, but I slowly clam up and succumb completely to brain fog, resulting in severely diminishing returns. Therapy and meditation themselves become the chief source of anxiety in my life, because I know I can cut them both out if I wanted. It makes holding a job nearly impossible. Daily wear and tear becomes the only thing I palpably experience, increasingly magnified in the echo chamber of my mind. Anxiety transitions into borderline panic attacks, and I either get fired due to a progressively worsening quality of work or because I figured out a way to rationalize quitting.

The worst part of this to me (and this is slightly selfish) is that I'm a game artist, a passable composer, and those things also get chewed up and put off. Loved games and laughing with friends as a kid, but I can't do either of those things either without swelling tension. I've always been to myself, even before the anxiety set in so I don't mind being alone, but being unable to be creative in any major way absolutely kills me.

Any ideas? How do I get better if the best means of fighting anxiety themselves cause anxiety over time?

[Goomba]

Sounds like a control thing to me.

An reoccurring event is something you must take time to address and therefore is something that forces your day to go a certain way.

Instead of doing things at your pace, you must live your life at the pace of the event.

In addition, events such as therapy are confrontational in nature, and encourage dealing with an issue before you perceive yourself as ready to tackle it.

When not in control, or forced to confront, it triggers anxiety.

Obviously, take this sparingly, as it is only my impression. You know yourself better than anyone here.

[Daimoth]

That's an interesting possibility. I have a strangely manipulative and slightly egotistical mother. In fact my grandmother and mother tend to have bad interpersonal relationships because they like to exert kind of a death grip on the people around them. Obviously, they absolutely despise each other lol. I reckon if control (or lack thereof) were a major stressor it could either be an inherited tendency or some kind of reaction to being raised by people like that. I'll bear that in mind, thanks.

[Dahila]

Yeah it is difficult when you are creative and used to do a lot of things, to stop it due the anxiety. It is ruining the life. Two months ago I started a new painting and still is not much done. I am too anxious to focus and find the pleasure in it. Instead I run in circles and the only time I spend with myself is meditation. The only time I stop and enjoy and appreciate myself. Meditation never should cause any anxiety but it will if you force yourself . Have you ever try to practice Guided meditation?
Goomba is right about control , I would think it is the worst, when you realize you have none. Then you just regaining control over your life. In anxiety you must hit a bottom to get up .
Welcome to the forum, it is very friendly place and I bet you will find a lot of sound advice here:))

[gypsylee]

This is interesting. So you're like a free spirit who hates routine?

[Daimoth]

Yeah it is difficult when you are creative and used to do a lot of things, to stop it due the anxiety. It is ruining the life. Two months ago I started a new painting and still is not much done. I am too anxious to focus and find the pleasure in it. Instead I run in circles and the only time I spend with myself is meditation. The only time I stop and enjoy and appreciate myself. Meditation never should cause any anxiety but it will if you force yourself . Have you ever try to practice Guided meditation?
Goomba is right about control , I would think it is the worst, when you realize you have none. Then you just regaining control over your life. In anxiety you must hit a bottom to get up .
Welcome to the forum, it is very friendly place and I bet you will find a lot of sound advice here:))

This might not jive well here, but I don't believe meditation is the magic arrow everyone thinks it is. I read an interesting article about the relationship between meditation and anxiety recently. It purported that in the far East a certain amount of anxiety is normal, almost expected, when learning to meditate, but that this facet of meditation is, for the most part, either ignored or denied in the West. The article supposed that the reason some people struggle so much with meditation is they get trapped in a thought loop, discarding the same intrusive thoughts over and over again. For those people, when meditation is prolonged, it can actually result in an anxiety spike.

I have a moderate amount of experience with meditation, both guided and independent, and the results have varied wildly. Even after lengthy periods of meditation, I rarely feel deliberate and charged for more than a few minutes to an hour. It tends to make me overly conscious of my own breathing, often causing that "stretched out lungs" feeling throughout the day which some of you might be familiar with.

But thank you for the warm welcome.

[Goomba]

To me, meditation is a process of remembering who you are.

Yeah yeah stillness of the mind, rhythmic breathing, etc, etc - but at it's core it is about experiencing your true self. The true self is often hidden through layers of junk. Filtering through the junk and acknowledging who you are is an extremely anxiety provoking process.

Everyone in the west is looking for a quick fix, and meditation has been marketed as this sort of godsend that brings peace and tranquility if you just breathe right.

Meditation DOES create anxiety initially, but as deeper levels one can use it as a tool to always find their grounding, and explore their inner makings.

[Daimoth]

Every so often I hit that zen sweet spot, but it's fleeting. To maintain it, I'd have to meditate on and off throughout the day, which is not feasible for an hourly worker. But the aforementioned repetition anxiety I suffer from, that's the real killer.

I'm 26, but it took me until I was 24 to realize what I had was anxiety. It started suddenly one day in high school and never let up. Ever. The unyielding nature of it's why it took me so long to identify. That was just life for me. The only thing that really seems to kill my anxiety dead is sleep deprivation. The way I understand it, it prevents my brain from resetting its cortisol, basically starving the anxiety out. Obviously I don't take advantage of it often, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it when it happened. Feels like freedom.

[Daimoth]

I guess my next question is that if part of the issue is an unfulfilled need to be in control, would I attempt to set aside the need to be in control, or acknowledge the need and try to gain more control? Both?

[Goomba]

I believe you are skipping a step. The recognition of whether or not exists needs to be addressed.

In my opinion, your next questions (reflections) are:

How do I feel when I do not have control?

Do things have to go my way in order for me to achieve peace?

How has my mother's need for control affected me?
Do I handle things like my mother?

What does rationalize quitting jobs keep (protect) me from feeling?

What makes being forced to do things an issue?

Again - ballpark.

To answer you question, neither. I think your next step would be to accept that you have a need to be in control to function, and reflect on why that is.

[Dahila]

Every so often I hit that zen sweet spot, but it's fleeting. To maintain it, I'd have to meditate on and off throughout the day, which is not feasible for an hourly worker. But the aforementioned repetition anxiety I suffer from, that's the real killer.

I'm 26, but it took me until I was 24 to realize what I had was anxiety. It started suddenly one day in high school and never let up. Ever. The unyielding nature of it's why it took me so long to identify. That was just life for me. The only thing that really seems to kill my anxiety dead is sleep deprivation. The way I understand it, it prevents my brain from resetting its cortisol, basically starving the anxiety out. Obviously I don't take advantage of it often, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it when it happened. Feels like freedom.
I am almost three times older than you, and if it was not for meditation I would be dead. Meditation is for stopping the race and be, just be. You may think you are anxious when you trying to hold on your breath, but focus on the pause between IN and OUT and your breath will come naturally without the irritation or anxiety. You probably attached the goal to meditation and this is why you get bored and irritated with it. Meditating is an art for the art without the goal attached. Years ago anxiety and depression was something you did not talk about, you suffer with it and hide it. I had the only tool; meditation. Today my grandchild is ten and I am still here and kicking and meditating every day. Not long 20-30 minutes.:))

By the way you could take a minute or two observing the tummy or chest when you breathe, it can be done everywhere and all the time, I try not to do it when driving. It helps me through a day.:)
It will help only when you are not looking for Nirvana:))

[Daimoth]

I'll reflect on that stuff. Some of it I can answer confidently and immediately, some of it I've been pondering for years already, specifically my mother's effect on me. She's a strange parent. The fact that she's high strung (but functional) complicates things, as I also have to determine how much of it's simply her influencing me, or bringing out tendencies that might have been latent otherwise. The effect was a lot of frustration.

I don't know why being forced to do things an issue for me. I don't mind it at first, but it bugs me increasingly over time. My fear is that is it's something buried deep, something slow to emerge, unintuitive and difficult to understand. Figuring this stuff out already feels like poking around in the dark, which is not a feeling I tolerate well. I generally only do things I'm guaranteed to be good at, but if I have any hope to overcome this I'll have to make changes.

More reflection required, I suppose.


I am almost three times older than you, and if it was not for meditation I would be dead. Meditation is for stopping the race and be, just be. You may think you are anxious when you trying to hold on your breath, but focus on the pause between IN and OUT and your breath will come naturally without the irritation or anxiety. You probably attached the goal to meditation and this is why you get bored and irritated with it. Meditating is an art for the art without the goal attached. Years ago anxiety and depression was something you did not talk about, you suffer with it and hide it. I had the only tool; meditation. Today my grandchild is ten and I am still here and kicking and meditating every day. Not long 20-30 minutes.:))

By the way you could take a minute or two observing the tummy or chest when you breathe, it can be done everywhere and all the time, I try not to do it when driving. It helps me through a day.:)
It will help only when you are not looking for Nirvana:))
That sounds like quite a journey. Good on you for sticking with it and achieving something positive.

[Dahila]

Yeah it is a journey, rough and long :). I know about looking deep inside, into darkness. I buried for years traumatic experience, I had never have any therapy, worse I could not to talk about it. My mother knew but she was in denial too. I love her , she was an angel. Unfortunately as survivor of concentration camp she gave us the anxiety, the fear. There was not help for people like her. Eh we have easy now.
The darkness will come out if you let it. You are the only one who can get rid of it. Do not be scared, even when it takes you right to the sky :))
Even with my limited language skills , I know that you understand what I am talking about:))

[Daimoth]

I believe you are skipping a step. The recognition of whether or not exists needs to be addressed.

The thing is, this is the best information I have to go on. Three times in as many days I've attempted to surrender my mental deathgrip on tense situations - tense for me, that is - and three times I was able to unclench, so to speak. While I am fully aware that you have not claimed to be a mental health professional and that your advice was basically a guess, I think it was a good guess. And I appreciate that.

[Goomba]

The thing is, this is the best information I have to go on. Three times in as many days I've attempted to surrender my mental deathgrip on tense situations - tense for me, that is - and three times I was able to unclench, so to speak. While I am fully aware that you have not claimed to be a mental health professional and that your advice was basically a guess, I think it was a good guess. And I appreciate that.

Hey, no problem :)

I honestly am not sure what you are describing though with the mental death grip.

Are you saying three times you found yourself in, say a repetitive situation, started to become stressed/anxious etc, and were able to stop it?

Orrr something different?

I'm just waking up, so I may be missing something obvious, lol.

[Daimoth]

It hadn't occurred to me that that might sound confusing. I meant being hypervigilant, trying to keep a bead on all negative possibilities at once.

[Chris LaVigne]

I feel a similar need for control and I can totally relate to the feeling of hatred for repetitive, routine tasks. For me, bliss is having a day with nothing planned and the possibility of going somewhere new and unfamiliar. My job keeps me pinned to a computer and I think the repetitiveness and routine nature of my work keeps me at a certain level of anxiety always.

Something to consider though... when talking to a therapist I described my ideal state as one of being free. He challenged me by questioning whether my concept of "freedom" was really attainable or whether it was based on a child's concept of freedom. In other words, the freedom I seek might also be a life without responsibility. Maybe my (our?) struggle is to accept the fact that we can't always get what we want?

[Goomba]

It hadn't occurred to me that that might sound confusing. I meant being hypervigilant, trying to keep a bead on all negative possibilities at once.

So, you were able to keep from doing that then? As in keep from controlling all the negatives...

What kind of experience was that for you?

[Daimoth]

Yeah man, I just kept repeating either "Don't bother trying to assume control - you have none" or "you already have this under control" depending on which impulse I was working against. Must have been somewhat loose, an older woman started hitting on me, haha.

This only works when it isn't in the "red" though. When it gets bad, nothing works. I'm on a waiting list for meds, can't wait for that.