Im tired of how I am. What does this sound like?

[Rob625]

Ive been this way for as long as I can remember and I'm tired of it, to the point of depression. Im always getting very interested in something then like someone flips a switch I don't want that anymore and im on to something else. But then I'll return to the obsession I first had at some point. Vicious cycle. I'll give examples. I'll get very religious and want to study the bible non stop , or even meet with a priest because I want to become a deacon. The obsession lasts a week or two. Then all of a sudden I don't want that anymore. But I'll get back into reading my AA literature and sign up for service work. Jumping into that 110% for a week or two. Then im off that and onto something else. Always coming back to the same obsession or feelings. I will really want a book . For days I'll go nuts until I get it because I really want to read it. Then it goes away and im no longer interested. Sometimes I'll go from bible study to thinking im atheist or agnostic in a matter of hours. The next day it flips back. Recently I thought I want to start buying and training bonsai trees as a hobby. Joined a forum, bought a book online. Its all I could think about for days. Then it just went away. What the hell is wrong with me. And when im in between obsessions im frustrated and depressed .Then a new one will start or I'll pick up an old one. Just recently got interested in word puzzles by penny press. Started doing framework and fill in puzzles. So I ordered a bunch of books. By the time they arrived I didn't want to do it anymore and haven't touched them. But I know in a week or a year I probably will. I can't stay with any one thing for long. This drives my wife nuts. Im always trading in books I really wanted and never read for new ones I may or may not read but really want at that moment. Ok what is it???

[Kixxi]

Ive been this way for as long as I can remember and I'm tired of it, to the point of depression. Im always getting very interested in something then like someone flips a switch I don't want that anymore and im on to something else. But then I'll return to the obsession I first had at some point. Vicious cycle. I'll give examples. I'll get very religious and want to study the bible non stop , or even meet with a priest because I want to become a deacon. The obsession lasts a week or two. Then all of a sudden I don't want that anymore. But I'll get back into reading my AA literature and sign up for service work. Jumping into that 110% for a week or two. Then im off that and onto something else. Always coming back to the same obsession or feelings. I will really want a book . For days I'll go nuts until I get it because I really want to read it. Then it goes away and im no longer interested. Sometimes I'll go from bible study to thinking im atheist or agnostic in a matter of hours. The next day it flips back. Recently I thought I want to start buying and training bonsai trees as a hobby. Joined a forum, bought a book online. Its all I could think about for days. Then it just went away. What the hell is wrong with me. And when im in between obsessions im frustrated and depressed .Then a new one will start or I'll pick up an old one. Just recently got interested in word puzzles by penny press. Started doing framework and fill in puzzles. So I ordered a bunch of books. By the time they arrived I didn't want to do it anymore and haven't touched them. But I know in a week or a year I probably will. I can't stay with any one thing for long. This drives my wife nuts. Im always trading in books I really wanted and never read for new ones I may or may not read but really want at that moment. Ok what is it???

Is this type of behaviour making you unhappy? It's likely that it does. Sounds like an addictive behaviour pattern, maybe the actual purchase is what makes you happy for a moment, but then it fades?

[Rob625]

I definitely think thats a part of it. When I have the obsession going on im usually happy. When I get tired of it and turn away im mentally exhausted, frustrated and sometimes bummed. It doesn't always involve a purchase though. I'll meet once a week with a pastor to study.goes good for awhile then I crap out for awhile. Coming back to it a few weeks later. It also isn't just with reading and books. Sometimes I'll get into smooth jazz or classical music obsess with it for a while not buying anything but then same thing happens. I think I got issues.

[Kixxi]

I definitely think thats a part of it. When I have the obsession going on im usually happy. When I get tired of it and turn away im mentally exhausted, frustrated and sometimes bummed. It doesn't always involve a purchase though. I'll meet once a week with a pastor to study.goes good for awhile then I crap out for awhile. Coming back to it a few weeks later. It also isn't just with reading and books. Sometimes I'll get into smooth jazz or classical music obsess with it for a while not buying anything but then same thing happens. I think I got issues.

It's not that uncommon really. I had a similar problem where I would obsess over something for a short period of time and then found myself being more depressed afterwards, at least until my next obsession. Could it be you are searching for these things because you are trying to fill some kind of void in your life? I'm no expert, but that was the case for me. In order to fix it, I had to find what the void was I was trying to fill.

[Rob625]

Ive always heard when you take alcohol away from an alcoholic there is a void which a lot of people fill with the AA program and fellowship. Been sober 4 years and pretty much stopped going to AA altogether. Due to laziness or social anxiety. Maybe both. I just want to be home after work.

[Im-Suffering]

Ive always heard when you take alcohol away from an alcoholic there is a void which a lot of people fill with the AA program and fellowship. Been sober 4 years and pretty much stopped going to AA altogether. Due to laziness or social anxiety. Maybe both. I just want to be home after work.

Who are you modeling (unconsciously) when you are always so hard on yourself?

Who was so critical of you?

Go to that place for a while in your imagination. That's where the answers are waiting.

[gypsylee]

Kixxi's on the money here. What you're doing is addictive behaviour - you get a rush from these new things but lose interest once the rush stops. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. You need to fill that void with something real.. What that is I don't know because I have the same sort of problem.

[Rob625]

Kixxi's on the money here. What you're doing is addictive behaviour - you get a rush from these new things but lose interest once the rush stops. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. You need to fill that void with something real.. What that is I don't know because I have the same sort of problem.

I agree. I found theses symptoms after a quick searchLow self-esteem
A tendency to impulsive behavior
An antisocial personality
Difficulty delaying gratification
A disposition toward sensation seeking
Someone who values nonconformity to an extreme
Someone with a weak commitment to the goals for achievement that are generally accepted by “normal” society
Someone who is tolerant of deviant behavior
Someone who is socially alienated
Having an increased sense of stress

I qualify heavily In a lot of these areas.

[gypsylee]

I agree. I found theses symptoms after a quick searchLow self-esteem
A tendency to impulsive behavior
An antisocial personality
Difficulty delaying gratification
A disposition toward sensation seeking
Someone who values nonconformity to an extreme
Someone with a weak commitment to the goals for achievement that are generally accepted by “normal” society
Someone who is tolerant of deviant behavior
Someone who is socially alienated
Having an increased sense of stress

I qualify heavily In a lot of these areas.

Yeah same.

[gypsylee]

The "something real" probably is self-worth and being comfortable with oneself. Addicts are always trying to escape emotional pain.

[Kixxi]

I agree. I found theses symptoms after a quick searchLow self-esteem
A tendency to impulsive behavior
An antisocial personality
Difficulty delaying gratification
A disposition toward sensation seeking
Someone who values nonconformity to an extreme
Someone with a weak commitment to the goals for achievement that are generally accepted by “normal” society
Someone who is tolerant of deviant behavior
Someone who is socially alienated
Having an increased sense of stress

I qualify heavily In a lot of these areas.

I really know what you are going throw, as I suffer from the same. My agoraphobia is caused by a lack of self-confidence and I constantly doubt myself, trying to fill that void with money. I work really hard and all the money I gain gives me temporary happiness.

However, I realised that, in order to get better, I needed to work out this self-confidence issue. Same as anxiety, building confidence is a process. Luckily there are so many ways to build your confidence again and there are hundreds of tips online to do so. One thing is found especially useful is treating myself good, talking good to myself, putting more value on my own opinion and so on.

Do you know when you stopped being confident? For example, my father used to be really hard on me, leaving me to be dependant on his opinion of me and his view. This led to having no self-confidence or self-esteem. My whole being was dependant on the opinion of other people, so I was unhappy often when I did not get that desired result or feedback. Do you see what I mean?

[Im-Suffering]

Do you know when you stopped being confident? For example, my father used to be really hard on me, leaving me to be dependant on his opinion of me and his view. This led to having no self-confidence or self-esteem. My whole being was dependant on the opinion of other people, so I was unhappy often when I did not get that desired result or feedback. Do you see what I mean?



Good work kixxi. Did you fully release that?

[Kixxi]

Good work kixxi. Did you fully release that?

I would be lying if I said that I do not crave the approval of others, but it has gone a lot less over the past few years. I still need to work on myself more and be fully confident. I also noticed that the more confident I become, and the more self-esteem I acquire, the less anxiety and agoraphobia occurs. Sometimes I do get little events in my life that reduce my confidence, but I have become better at noticing them.
It is a sad statement, but selfish people tend to do a lot better in life and the majority of people you encounter do not give a damn. (which is very different in this forum because most of you care a lot about others). However, caring to much about other people can change who you are. I'm not saying stop caring, I just say care for yourself before caring for someone else.

What I am saying is that becoming confident takes a while and will require a lot of work. But in the end, it is worth it... Also, I am talking about confidence here, but I would like to think that self-esteem is in that same boat, since it immediately affects the confidence you have in yourself. Unfortunately, most of us are very aware of what is wrong, but tackling that specific problem is harder for us because we are so judgemental of ourselves and there is no room for trial and error in our minds. First thing everyone should accept before trying to deal with problems is that sometimes you do stumble and fall, but getting back up and succeeding is so much stronger in the long run ;)

[Goomba]

I can relate in a way.

I have never attributed it to depression though. Maybe that's a thing.

But, my "void" is a need to have experiences, create, and express myself creatively.

So, really, everything I attach to are expressions.

I'm not really obsessive about it. But, I get very passionate. One week I will be very focused on making music. I record heavily and practice advanced content for hours, daily.

I get very optimistic, start dreaming about where I could go with it, and by the next week I am off
It and onto something else. For example, this week I have been studying physics everyday.

Two thought processes from me:

1. A part of my subconscious doesn't believe I can accomplish my dreams, therefore I detach from them before I get recognize the pain of not achieving them.

2. I am exploring myself, and craving expression in many different ways, as a method of getting to my next personal plateau. This allows me to "dream" everyday, and always explore self growth.

I'm not sure which is more accurate, or prevalent yet. Guess my point is, I think it's something we all can go through for different reasons, but they don't have to be negative.

I think expression plays a large role in this kind of behavior. As we learn more about ourselves we branch out further and further, often in confusion initially.

[Kixxi]

I can relate in a way.

I have never attributed it to depression though. Maybe that's a thing.

But, my "void" is a need to have experiences, create, and express myself creatively.

So, really, everything I attach to are expressions.

I'm not really obsessive about it. But, I get very passionate. One week I will be very focused on making music. I record heavily and practice advanced content for hours, daily.

I get very optimistic, start dreaming about where I could go with it, and by the next week I am off
It and onto something else. For example, this week I have been studying physics everyday.

Two thought processes from me:

1. A part of my subconscious doesn't believe I can accomplish my dreams, therefore I detach from them before I get recognize the pain of not achieving them.

2. I am exploring myself, and craving expression in many different ways, as a method of getting to my next personal plateau. This allows me to "dream" everyday, and always explore self growth.

I'm not sure which is more accurate, or prevalent yet. Guess my point is, I think it's something we all can go through for different reasons, but they don't have to be negative.

I think expression plays a large role in this kind of behavior. As we learn more about ourselves we branch out further and further, often in confusion initially.

Quite common with this as well is not finishing things, which I had very prominently. Unfortunately, if you want to creatively express yourself, it takes some time to find out what you really want to do.

[Im-Suffering]

We are bouncing between 2 threads here :)

Let's not go off in the wrong directions.

Short exercise:

I want you to become that little girl again, recount from her perspective what she was thinking at home and with her interactions with mom and dad. I want you to hold her, in your imagination, as she cries and expresses all of those hurts about being not good enough. Tell her you love her. Because she felt unlovable. And this is the cause of it all. She is inside you, she is the one showing you all these emotions that you feel. She is making you feel them.

You must cry together, heal all of the false ideas and beliefs about you and the world. Her stories will play back like movies to the inception of the pain, and that is what you must face. You must find that. And that once let go will heal you.

This is an exercise for maybe 15 minutes a day.

If you release fully you will have an epiphany, and sleep. You won't ever have to 'force' confidence or conceptualize a way to feel, you will just be living it. That's what a release does, you come out feeling the opposite.

[Kixxi]

We are bouncing between 2 threads here :)

Let's not go off in the wrong directions.

Short exercise:

I want you to become that little girl again, recount from her perspective what she was thinking at home and with her interactions with mom and dad. I want you to hold her, in your imagination, as she cries and expresses all of those hurts about being not good enough. Tell her you love her. Because she felt unlovable. And this is the cause of it all. She is inside you, she is the one showing you all these emotions that you feel. She is making you feel them.

You must cry together, heal all of the false ideas and beliefs about you and the world. Her stories will play back like movies to the inception of the pain, and that is what you must face. You must find that. And that once let go will heal you.

This is an exercise for maybe 15 minutes a day.

If you release fully you will have an epiphany, and sleep. You won't ever have to 'force' confidence or conceptualize a way to feel, you will just be living it. That's what a release does, you come out feeling the opposite.

Thank you for this. I will give it a try and let you know how I fare :)

[Rob625]

Someone on another website asked if I've ever considered aspergers syndrome. My daughter has AS. Ive never really thought that as a possibility but after doing some reading it kind of makes sense. Im curious how difficult a diagnosis would be and if its worth it.

[Kixxi]

Someone on another website asked if I've ever considered aspergers syndrome. My daughter has AS. Ive never really thought that as a possibility but after doing some reading it kind of makes sense. Im curious how difficult a diagnosis would be and if its worth it.

Since diagnosis for these types of problems were not very prominent a couple of years ago, it may be worth getting yourself checked. Even if it is just for your peace of mind.

[gypsylee]

This has been a very good thread ;)

[Rob625]

Thank you all so much for the replies and input. Its very helpful and I think im going to look into talking with a doctor about this. I dont want meds but a diagnosis would be a relief. You guys and gals are great!

[Kixxi]

This has been a very good thread ;)

Agreed it has been very informative. :)

[Kixxi]

Thank you all so much for the replies and input. Its very helpful and I think im going to look into talking with a doctor about this. I dont want meds but a diagnosis would be a relief. You guys and gals are great!

No problem at all. If you need to talk, we are always here :) Plus its easier to talk to people who have been there or are going through the same thing.

I hope you get the diagnosis you need, so you can make sense of some things.

[Goomba]

Just want to note -

What you have described, to me, does not even sound remotely like Aspergers.

[gypsylee]

I think you did well to articulate how you feel about this behaviour Rob. I know a few people like this who aren't even aware it's a problem.

:)

[Kixxi]

Just want to note -

What you have described, to me, does not even sound remotely like Aspergers.

It might be, it might not. Most of these conditions are quite complicated, for all we know it could be a form of ADD. Either way, it's better to get fully evaluated I think. Gives the person in question more peace of mind.
I agree with you that the symptoms do not really sound like Aspergers, but I think we are more familiar with the symptoms of Aspergers in young children. Maybe it can vary considerably in adults? I am not to sure because my knowledge on Aspergers is quite limited.

[Rob625]

Just want to note -

What you have described, to me, does not even sound remotely like Aspergers.

I was surprised when that was brought up on the other website. But im open to anything until I know. My behavior does differ from my daughter's. With her there is no doubt.

[Kixxi]

I was surprised when that was brought up on the other website. But im open to anything until I know. My behavior does differ from my daughter's. With her there is no doubt.

These types of conditions are very hard to pinpoint or diagnose, especially in adults where the symptoms are less clear I think. Still, you are better of seeking a correct diagnosis than running around undiagnosed.

[Goomba]

I'm not saying don't explore it. You know better than anyone what information could pertain to you.

I just wanted to communicate that it doesn't sound like it.

I do know a thing or two as I have a degree in Human Services and in Behavioral Science.

[Rob625]

I'm not saying don't explore it. You know better than anyone what information could pertain to you.

I just wanted to communicate that it doesn't sound like it.

I do know a thing or two as I have a degree in Human Services and in Behavioral Science.

What would you say it sounds like. Im ok with a ballpark guess to. Id say I have addictive personality, impulsive, not liking to wait for gratification and throw in a side of social anxiety :)
Sorry im tired im getting loopy

[Goomba]

What would you say it sounds like. Im ok with a ballpark guess to. Id say I have addictive personality, impulsive, not liking to wait for gratification and throw in a side of social anxiety :) Sorry im tired im getting loopy

I think it looks like you're finding yourself again.

Addictive personality probably plays a part, as you may be replacing the old habits with these new intense obsessions.

But, I don't really like the labels. All any of that stuff means is that you're trying to find your balance in life again, it's not a label to take to the grave.

[Rob625]

I think it looks like you're finding yourself again.

Addictive personality probably plays a part, as you may be replacing the old habits with these new intense obsessions.

But, I don't really like the labels. All any of that stuff means is that you're trying to find your balance in life again, it's not a label to take to the grave.

I like that goomba. That makes a lot of sense. Thank you very much

[Goomba]

Happy to help

[Kixxi]

I think it looks like you're finding yourself again.

Addictive personality probably plays a part, as you may be replacing the old habits with these new intense obsessions.

But, I don't really like the labels. All any of that stuff means is that you're trying to find your balance in life again, it's not a label to take to the grave.

I love the way you described that here. :)

[gypsylee]

I think it looks like you're finding yourself again.

Addictive personality probably plays a part, as you may be replacing the old habits with these new intense obsessions.

But, I don't really like the labels. All any of that stuff means is that you're trying to find your balance in life again, it's not a label to take to the grave.

Yeah, addiction is a spectrum not a specific disorder that only applies to some people. You see addictive behaviour everywhere whether it's heroin or shopping. Everyone is trying to escape some sort of emotional pain.