everyone says I need to "get over it" (porn and marriage)

[mrslizzyg]

If I had a penny for every time someone told me, "you should just get over it, that what guys do." I would seriously be freaking rich right now.


So, my dad would stay up late and watch porn behind my moms back ALL THE TIME when I was little. Eventually, my parents divorced, and my mom has said that this is PART of the reason. So yes, that did impact my opinion of how it can be damaging to a marriage.

Most of my teenage life, I tried to disregard porn with my high school boyfriends. I figured that was pretty normal. When my boyfriend would watch it, of course I felt insecure, or "not good enough" and sometimes compared myself to those women.

As I got older, I realized this was not something I wanted to be part of my marriage. I really thought I would NEVER get married because I didn't think a guy who wouldn't watch porn behind my back was real. Enter: My future husband.

He was raised VERY religious, and thought porn was very belittling to women. He respected my views on it and it was amazing. There were obviously other reasons we got married, but that was a really big deal for me.

2 years into out marriage, he admitted he had been watching porn behind my back. Best of all? HE DID IT DURING A FIGHT. To hurt my feelings on purpose. I was crushed, honestly... I couldn't believe he had lied to me for 2 years and that he had even done it at all. I felt sick for probably 2-3 weeks.

For the next few years our relationship just kept getting worse. He had become a totally different person(as I'm sure I did, too), some of it from stress, others from just life changes, and even some from the porn. We would have sex and I never felt like he was really there anymore. He sexualized me a lot- even had one fight in particular where he yelled at me because I didn't wear a shirt that was low cut enough out in public.

Eventually we separated(there was a lot of factors) We stayed separated for a few months..and then fixed things..

He promised he had understood how terrible the porn had been in our marriage and how he had quit doing it.

For 5 months things were going great... We were so happy. Even with the occ fights and my bouts of anxiety we figured stuff out...

The last few weeks I feel like he is doing it again. He isn't really "there" anymore.

My anxiety is FREAKING out. I have tried to calmly talk to him about it, and he says no. I can't tell if he is lying or not, especially in this day and age you don't even have to delete history on your phone you can just "private browse."

I am constantly going to my anxious brain. I feel like I could be sick thinking about it. Why would he start again if he knows this is a deal breaker for me? Is it really worth it? Why the hell am I not good enough?!

PLEASE, help. And don't tell me "this is what guys do." If he loves me and he knows it hurts me, that should take be more important than any natural man instinct he feels he needs to uphold.

[jessed03]

Whatever fear or concern you have, it's not right that anybody tells you to just "get over it". That's not how the mind works. Heck, even if you were afraid that snails were about to evolve into glow in the dark creatures and keep you awake all night, it's still a valid concern if that's how you feel.

So, worry not. None of the guys and gals here will say that wasteful phrase on this forum.

Onto your problem.......... I'm a pretty mean coder btw, so I could help you check your computer's internet history, even if it's been deleted. But the bigger here issue is trust in your relationship. Once that's broken, whoever you are, it's tough to fix. It's doable, but extremely hard.

Have you thought about talking to a long-term relationship therapist? Because, I don't believe an issue like this can be fixed easily. Men really do struggle to control their sex drive at times, and even with the best intentions, it's VERY easy to slip up. This is something, like an addiction really, that needs to be managed continually. The same way an addict has to go to a weekly meeting, you and your husband may need to talk over your thoughts and feelings regularly, to ensure you don't end up in the same place as now.

[mrslizzyg]

First of all, thank you. It's refreshing to hear that. A lot of people just think women should deal with it but it really hurt me, down to my heart. It feels like he is cheating on me. I have been available for him, and I take really good care of my body and myself, so it isn't like I'm not attractive..

It is his phone he uses, not a computer. But the think is I don't want to have to track his every move, you know? We tried that for a while and it caused MORE problems. I felt like a mom monitoring her child, and I think he felt like the child too! It sucked.

[jessed03]

Oh, of course. We're a little different on this forum. We've stepped through the looking glass, so to speak. We've been there, done that, had the irrational experiences. :)

I think you're doing the right thing not checking up on him. Because all that does is worsens the deceit. You just find more sophisticated ways to hide things from one another. And where does that lead, right?

As a guy myself, I can tell you that we are very flawed. We don't mean to be, but sometimes we don't understand just how our actions affect others. And even when we do know, we're pretty risk taking, so still usually get an urge to do what we're not supposed to. Guys who don't screw up are impossible to find, I feel. Well, except Im-Suffering. He's pretty bang on the money in all aspects of his life, but he's married I hear. *Wink*

As far as your husband is concerned, there are a lot of factors at play that make is REALLY hard to give any substantial advice. Things like emotional issues, stress, sex life, age, anxiety, frustration, boredom, minor depression... all of those can affect the way a man behaves, especially when it comes to addictive behaviors like pornography.

From my experience, there are three reasons a guy watches porn: First is the obvious one. He's horny and wants release. The second is more complex. Porn becomes an escape for men, the way a sports game does. It becomes a fantasy. Pick up your phone and there you have this exciting adventure waiting for you. Third is addiction. Porn has the same affect on a man's brain as drugs and gambling. It sends a guy's dopamine levels nuts. He watches some, but just can't get enough.

The way you would approach treatment would really depend on why he watches adult stuff. If he has issues with feeling low or bored or whatever, then he may watch porn to escape, and pressuring him NOT to just makes that worse. You see? That's why having a place where you can both talk it out and get to the bottom of why he does what he does will be really helpful.

I'm not sure if it would work, but maybe the best way to get him to open up is to make him feel as though it's safe to do so. Most therapists usually recommend creating a safe environment, otherwise your partner just clams up and becomes elusive. I don't know whether you've tried that before and if it worked or not.

Cos the way I see it, right now you have only two options. You need to get him to open up and comply with some of your requests......... or, you need to change your own attitude to porn, which I guess you don't want to do?

[gypsylee]

If I had a penny for every time someone told me, "you should just get over it, that what guys do." I would seriously be freaking rich right now.

What am I talking about? My husband using pornography behind my back. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So, my dad would stay up late and watch porn behind my moms back ALL THE TIME when I was little. Eventually, my parents divorced, and my mom has said that this is PART of the reason. So yes, that did impact my opinion of how it can be damaging to a marriage.

Most of my teenage life, I tried to disregard porn with my high school boyfriends. I figured that was pretty normal. When my boyfriend would watch it, of course I felt insecure, or "not good enough" and sometimes compared myself to those women.

As I got older, I realized this was not something I wanted to be part of my marriage. I really thought I would NEVER get married because I didn't think a guy who wouldn't watch porn behind my back was real. Enter: My future husband.

He was raised VERY religious, was a virgin, and thought porn was very belittling to women. He respected my views on it and it was amazing. There were obviously other reasons we got married, but that was a really big deal for me.

2 years into out marriage, he admitted he had been watching porn behind my back. Best of all? HE DID IT DURING A FIGHT. To hurt my feelings on purpose. I was crushed, honestly... I couldn't believe he had lied to me for 2 years and that he had even done it at all. I felt sick for probably 2-3 weeks.

For the next few years our relationship just kept getting worse. He had become a totally different person(as I'm sure I did, too), some of it from stress, others from just life changes, and even some from the porn. We would have sex and I never felt like he was really there anymore. He sexualized me a lot- even had one fight in particular where he yelled at me because I didn't wear a shirt that was low cut enough out in public.

Eventually we separated(there was a lot of factors, but you bet your butt the fact that he wouldn't give up his porn habit was one of them.) We stayed separated for a few months, and ended up going to counseling to fix things.

He promised he had understood how terrible the porn had been in our marriage and how he had quit doing it.

For 5 months things were going great... We were so happy. Even with the occ fights and my bouts of anxiety we figured stuff out...

The last few weeks I feel like he is doing it again. He isn't really "there" anymore. He is sexualizing me again. He is spending A LOT of time in "the bathroom" on his phone. He is on his phone late at night while I am sleeping.

My anxiety is FREAKING out. I have tried to calmly talk to him about it, and he says no. I can't tell if he is lying or not, especially in this day and age you don't even have to delete history on your phone you can just "private browse."

I am constantly going to my anxious brain. I feel like I could be sick thinking about it. Why would he start again if he knows this is a deal breaker for me? Is it really worth it? Why the hell am I not good enough?!

PLEASE, help. And don't tell me "this is what guys do." If he loves me and he knows it hurts me, that should take be more important than any natural man instinct he feels he needs to uphold.

The whole "boys will be boys" thing makes me sick. Good on you for not just giving in and thinking it's normal. I've been with a porn addict in the past and it's revolting.

[PanicCured]

mrslizzyg, let me add my 2 cents as I consider myself a solid dude! This is a complicated issue you have. Unfortunately, I think you may have to make some concessions. Guys are visual when they masturbate and most do watch porn then since it is so freely accessible and may not have anything to do with you. He was whacking his dick before he met you! You have to accept this is how guys are. They can't only think of 1 woman, although they can of course stay committed to one woman, but at some point, they will look outside, even if they don't act upon it. If you don't like this, I suggest you don't marry a man.

Is whacking off to porn cheating on you? I think one can make a case it is "not right" but let's be realistic in 2015, I assume every married guy that has access to the internet watches some porn or looks at naked pictures of women at least sometimes. When married guys get together they talk about pussy and other chicks and who'd they like to fuck. Again, if you don't like this, don't be with men. All over the world guys gather and talk about fucking girls even if they are married. of course, women aren't immuned to this either.

Here is my advice to you from a man's perspective, that I think will help you tremendously: I would sit him down and DO NOT BE CONFRONTATIONAL, and gently and calmly tell him that the thought of him whackin it to other women bothers you and you want to knoW if for some reason he is not satisfied and what you can do to help. Ask him, "Is it me? Is there something that you need from me sexually I am not giving you?" HE WILL ANSWER YOU!

Since you came at him more on his level rather that nagging him to death, he will open up, and then find out why he feels this need to watch porn and if there is anyway he can stop since it bothers you. Then talk about it like adults.

One other option which is only an option, is suggest that he puts on porn with you, and totally have sex while watching porn that he likes. This may sound crazy, but who knows, you may get into it!

[gypsylee]

"When married guys get together they talk about pussy and other chicks and who'd they like to fuck. Again, if you don't like this, don't be with men."

LOL. Pretty much.

[Mr Jingles]

Some good things to think about from jessed03. I agree with that attitude.

Porn yes or no will never be resolved by a poll. Kind of like "should the guy pay for all the dates." To me there's no obvious right or wrong answer, otherwise we could just look up the answer on wikipedia.

Ultimately these issues boil down to facing who we are and what we expect from each other, and trying to find a way to be honest, patient, flexible, and true to ourselves and each other. Not easy! If it were easier to navigate this ocean of relationship expectations, I suspect the divorce rates wouldn't be so high.

Anything you can do to set up a safe place and way to communicate would be great.

[Im-Suffering]

No communication with him is necessary. Its not about him. He is not here, she is.

The woman (OP) should work on self. Her esteem, her worth, her insecurity, her issues only. It is only about her experience. He is but a pawn in her play. This is a re-enactment of her childhood pain (divorce, fathers emotional problems and moms low esteem) Lets talk further about what is happening:

This man is afraid of his wife. Intimacy. Insecure. As he compares himself to the 'pros' in the movies he then feels worse, and less capable of satisfying. Biologically speaking he must release and so he could do so without attachment emotionally. Typically he cannot relate to woman, was not cared for, nurtured, and felt abandoned by the mother and the woman in his family, whether an only child or with sisters.

The OP attracted this type of man, relationship, which is abusive, because of the role model in her family, she re-enacted her childhood family dynamics quite unconsciously and will find herself in the same position her mother was in. There are lessons here, and in either case it is not up to the OP to 'fix' a broken man, but to fix her broken psyche from the childhood trauma. Once that is healed there will be no need to encounter these same experiences and either the husband will seek therapy or they will split, giving her opportunity to match with a new man who fits her 'new' beliefs, with no childhood baggage.

OP, Fix self, look into your hurts, seek therapy yourself, heal your childhood, and your thoughts will be of more self worth, esteem, value, you will not deserve any of this and that will be reflected in your new life, you understand.

And to 'PanicCured' you have just uncovered another of your 'beliefs' that cause you 'pain' and to withdraw. That is not representative of all men, as a blanket statement. There is much more emotionally to a man. When the conditions at home (parents) are suitable for stable emotional growth a man learns respect, honor, grace, integrity in the face of not only himself but his peers and his mate., none of which you considered. And so we have uncovered yet another belief that contributes to your anxiety. No wonder you had a nervous break with those ideas inside of what life/people are 'like'.

And to Gypsylee, agreeing with him because of your experiences. This you should look inside to change, another lesson for you, so one day you can yourself attract a man who will not be abusive. Look in the mirror, if you abuse yourself, that is what you will attract in another. What is in you, that you need to change?

Sorry folks. The real answers are never procured by skimming the surface of events or by the trite words of another that flow like poison off the tongue (beliefs). Then you will only see what everyone else sees often times deceptive and not accurate, you understand. A person begins a sentence and has no idea how he/she will finish it, so do not expect thought or consideration, just a string of false beliefs one after the next.

[NixonRulz]

No communication with him is necessary. Its not about him. He is not here, she is.

The woman (OP) should work on self. Her esteem, her worth, her insecurity, her issues only. It is only about her experience. He is but a pawn in her play. This is a re-enactment of her childhood pain (divorce, fathers emotional problems and moms low esteem) Lets talk further about what is happening:

This man is afraid of his wife. Intimacy. Insecure. As he compares himself to the 'pros' in the movies he then feels worse, and less capable of satisfying. Biologically speaking he must release and so he could do so without attachment emotionally. Typically he cannot relate to woman, was not cared for, nurtured, and felt abandoned by the mother and the woman in his family, whether an only child or with sisters.

The OP attracted this type of man, relationship, which is abusive, because of the role model in her family, she re-enacted her childhood family dynamics quite unconsciously and will find herself in the same position her mother was in. There are lessons here, and in either case it is not up to the OP to 'fix' a broken man, but to fix her broken psyche from the childhood trauma. Once that is healed there will be no need to encounter these same experiences and either the husband will seek therapy or they will split, giving her opportunity to match with a new man who fits her 'new' beliefs, with no childhood baggage.

OP, Fix self, look into your hurts, seek therapy yourself, heal your childhood, and your thoughts will be of more self worth, esteem, value, you will not deserve any of this and that will be reflected in your new life, you understand.

This ^^^^^^^. Exactly this

[Kuma]

Maybe you would find therapy useful, to explore YOUR feelings about all this without the added complication of your husband's presence. But I do not agree that this is ONLY about you. In any marriage, there are "three entities" -- you, your husband, and the couple. To work on the couple, you will likely need to talk with a counselor or therapist who specializes in couples issues. This will enable you to discuss the p*rn issues, and surrounding issues, and your reactions to it, in a "protected" environment. You cannot force your husband to participate, but you can ask him, during a calm moment, to please do so. I suspect the most effective way to make that request is to be non-judgmental. For example, if you say "you are doing something morally offensive and disgusting and so you need to go with my to a therapist so he can straighten you out," that won't work. But if you put it in a more neutral and less judgmental way, focusing on your desire to have a great relationship, it may resonate.

[mrslizzyg]

mrslizzyg, let me add my 2 cents as I consider myself a solid dude! This is a complicated issue you have. Unfortunately, I think you may have to make some concessions. Guys are visual when they masturbate and most do watch porn then since it is so freely accessible and may not have anything to do with you. He was whacking his dick before he met you! You have to accept this is how guys are. They can't only think of 1 woman, although they can of course stay committed to one woman, but at some point, they will look outside, even if they don't act upon it. If you don't like this, I suggest you don't marry a man.

Is whacking off to porn cheating on you? I think one can make a case it is "not right" but let's be realistic in 2015, I assume every married guy that has access to the internet watches some porn or looks at naked pictures of women at least sometimes. When married guys get together they talk about pussy and other chicks and who'd they like to fuck. Again, if you don't like this, don't be with men. All over the world guys gather and talk about fucking girls even if they are married. of course, women aren't immuned to this either.

Here is my advice to you from a man's perspective, that I think will help you tremendously: I would sit him down and DO NOT BE CONFRONTATIONAL, and gently and calmly tell him that the thought of him whackin it to other women bothers you and you want to knoW if for some reason he is not satisfied and what you can do to help. Ask him, "Is it me? Is there something that you need from me sexually I am not giving you?" HE WILL ANSWER YOU!

Since you came at him more on his level rather that nagging him to death, he will open up, and then find out why he feels this need to watch porn and if there is anyway he can stop since it bothers you. Then talk about it like adults.

One other option which is only an option, is suggest that he puts on porn with you, and totally have sex while watching porn that he likes. This may sound crazy, but who knows, you may get into it!


Seriously? You are going to generalize all guys off of this? This comment did not help IN THE LEAST. You are basically trying to tell me (in my opinion) that their are no decent men out there. Guys can be emotional and not all are pigs as you have made them sound. And, I have tried the non-confrontational, non-nagging approach...It doesn't help either. I have also asked "what else I could do for you." I tried the bringing porn into the bedroom thing.. That just made it worse because he would watch it instead of look at me! Why would I be ok with that? Also, pretty sure I made it clear I didn't want to be told I needed "to let it go" & "it's just how guys are." That is exactly what this says to me.. I'm not trying to be a bitch but that response just hit a nerve.. I respect whatever opinions you do have but I do not have to agree with them.



No communication with him is necessary. Its not about him. He is not here, she is.

The woman (OP) should work on self. Her esteem, her worth, her insecurity, her issues only. It is only about her experience. He is but a pawn in her play. This is a re-enactment of her childhood pain (divorce, fathers emotional problems and moms low esteem) Lets talk further about what is happening:

This man is afraid of his wife. Intimacy. Insecure. As he compares himself to the 'pros' in the movies he then feels worse, and less capable of satisfying. Biologically speaking he must release and so he could do so without attachment emotionally. Typically he cannot relate to woman, was not cared for, nurtured, and felt abandoned by the mother and the woman in his family, whether an only child or with sisters.

The OP attracted this type of man, relationship, which is abusive, because of the role model in her family, she re-enacted her childhood family dynamics quite unconsciously and will find herself in the same position her mother was in. There are lessons here, and in either case it is not up to the OP to 'fix' a broken man, but to fix her broken psyche from the childhood trauma. Once that is healed there will be no need to encounter these same experiences and either the husband will seek therapy or they will split, giving her opportunity to match with a new man who fits her 'new' beliefs, with no childhood baggage.

OP, Fix self, look into your hurts, seek therapy yourself, heal your childhood, and your thoughts will be of more self worth, esteem, value, you will not deserve any of this and that will be reflected in your new life, you understand.

And to 'PanicCured' you have just uncovered another of your 'beliefs' that cause you 'pain' and to withdraw. That is not representative of all men, as a blanket statement. There is much more emotionally to a man. When the conditions at home (parents) are suitable for stable emotional growth a man learns respect, honor, grace, integrity in the face of not only himself but his peers and his mate., none of which you considered. And so we have uncovered yet another belief that contributes to your anxiety. No wonder you had a nervous break with those ideas inside of what life/people are 'like'.

And to Gypsylee, agreeing with him because of your experiences. This you should look inside to change, another lesson for you, so one day you can yourself attract a man who will not be abusive. Look in the mirror, if you abuse yourself, that is what you will attract in another. What is in you, that you need to change?

Sorry folks. The real answers are never procured by skimming the surface of events or by the trite words of another that flow like poison off the tongue (beliefs). Then you will only see what everyone else sees often times deceptive and not accurate, you understand. A person begins a sentence and has no idea how he/she will finish it, so do not expect thought or consideration, just a string of false beliefs one after the next.





I'm-Suffering, THANK YOU, a million times over, for that response. That's really all I can say. It made me think about it in a completely different way. I knew I could never "fix" him, but I wanted to be able to let go of all the pain and self esteem issues it has been causing me...





I appreciate all of the input from you guys, and I am going to continue to try to work on myself and my marriage without focusing on "fixing" my husband. Point blank, porn is not something I will ever be OK with in a marriage. I made that clear BEFORE we were married, so it's not like I just made it up after a while. I can work on myself, and hopefully he wants to do the same.. otherwise Im out.. I have made that clear in the past and also when we recently got back together.

[Im-Suffering]

Many blessings, your journey is honored, and respected.

Namaste.

[jessed03]

This man is afraid of his wife. Intimacy. Insecure. As he compares himself to the 'pros' in the movies he then feels worse, and less capable of satisfying. Biologically speaking he must release and so he could do so without attachment emotionally. Typically he cannot relate to woman, was not cared for, nurtured, and felt abandoned by the mother and the woman in his family, whether an only child or with sisters.

While that may be the case, if I were you OP, I would be wary of any generalizations made about your situation, especially by anybody on the internet who doesn't know your husband intimately.

Pornography use is very complex, and to assume it's down to female neglect oversimplifies the matter, in my opinion. Still, the advice does have some merit, but make sure to use it as a guideline - something to explore - rather than as a diagnostic tool.

As for PanicCured, he's a sharp shooter. He probably should have put a disclaimer in his post saying, "95% of men are..... etc." As there are always a few outside of the regular mould.

[PanicCured]

Seriously? You are going to generalize all guys off of this? This comment did not help IN THE LEAST. You are basically trying to tell me (in my opinion) that their are no decent men out there. Guys can be emotional and not all are pigs as you have made them sound. And, I have tried the non-confrontational, non-nagging approach...It doesn't help either. I have also asked "what else I could do for you." I tried the bringing porn into the bedroom thing.. That just made it worse because he would watch it instead of look at me! Why would I be ok with that? Also, pretty sure I made it clear I didn't want to be told I needed "to let it go" & "it's just how guys are." That is exactly what this says to me.. I'm not trying to be a bitch but that response just hit a nerve.. I respect whatever opinions you do have but I do not have to agree with them.

I was only trying to help. I don't think an adult man watching porn makes him not decent. I did not say in the least men are all pigs but I did tell you the truth. You simply do not want to accept the truth that this is how guys are. I gave you an accurate 100% truthful response and you can't handle it. You can't accept guys are biologically programmed to look outside their relationship and talk about fucking other women with their friends. ALL MEN look at porn. To deny this you are denying reality. And if they say they do not, it just means they do not yet! If they do not watch porn, they have porn going on in their heads of another women than you when they masturbate. You don't like this? DON'T DATE MEN! You have this impression of men which is not realistic. Now you and your husband are probably having some real underlying martial issues and porn is his escape. He may be a porn addict, which is an addiction problem not porn problem. And if he is unwilling to discuss this with you than that is other problems. But if how you respond to me is how you talk to him, no wonder you get nowhere. I am sure you were not so unnagging and calm when you talked to him.

Obviously you both need to see a marriage counselor. That is what you should do as they are professionals trained to handle this. None of us are.

[PanicCured]

As for PanicCured, he's a sharp shooter. He probably should have put a disclaimer in his post saying, "95% of men are..... etc." As there are always a few outside of the regular mould.

She needs to understand how men are, don't you think? All guys are the same in certain aspects. Only through a Christian bias would one think I meant pig. I know women like her: They only treat men as who they want them to be and have no desire to actually understand them. They nag at them all day long to be something they are not instead of understanding who he is, and the guy can't take it anymore so he becomes distant and drowns himself in porn. This is the equivalent to a guy who only wants a virgin to be sweet all the time as his little sidekick and denies that women have a strong and free side and are not the little princess you've seen in fairy tales. [/QUOTE]

[PanicCured]

No communication with him is necessary. Its not about him. He is not here, she is.

The woman (OP) should work on self. Her esteem, her worth, her insecurity, her issues only. It is only about her experience. He is but a pawn in her play. This is a re-enactment of her childhood pain (divorce, fathers emotional problems and moms low esteem) Lets talk further about what is happening:

This man is afraid of his wife. Intimacy. Insecure. As he compares himself to the 'pros' in the movies he then feels worse, and less capable of satisfying. Biologically speaking he must release and so he could do so without attachment emotionally. Typically he cannot relate to woman, was not cared for, nurtured, and felt abandoned by the mother and the woman in his family, whether an only child or with sisters.

The OP attracted this type of man, relationship, which is abusive, because of the role model in her family, she re-enacted her childhood family dynamics quite unconsciously and will find herself in the same position her mother was in. There are lessons here, and in either case it is not up to the OP to 'fix' a broken man, but to fix her broken psyche from the childhood trauma. Once that is healed there will be no need to encounter these same experiences and either the husband will seek therapy or they will split, giving her opportunity to match with a new man who fits her 'new' beliefs, with no childhood baggage.

OP, Fix self, look into your hurts, seek therapy yourself, heal your childhood, and your thoughts will be of more self worth, esteem, value, you will not deserve any of this and that will be reflected in your new life, you understand.

And to 'PanicCured' you have just uncovered another of your 'beliefs' that cause you 'pain' and to withdraw. That is not representative of all men, as a blanket statement. There is much more emotionally to a man. When the conditions at home (parents) are suitable for stable emotional growth a man learns respect, honor, grace, integrity in the face of not only himself but his peers and his mate., none of which you considered. And so we have uncovered yet another belief that contributes to your anxiety. No wonder you had a nervous break with those ideas inside of what life/people are 'like'.

And to Gypsylee, agreeing with him because of your experiences. This you should look inside to change, another lesson for you, so one day you can yourself attract a man who will not be abusive. Look in the mirror, if you abuse yourself, that is what you will attract in another. What is in you, that you need to change?

Sorry folks. The real answers are never procured by skimming the surface of events or by the trite words of another that flow like poison off the tongue (beliefs). Then you will only see what everyone else sees often times deceptive and not accurate, you understand. A person begins a sentence and has no idea how he/she will finish it, so do not expect thought or consideration, just a string of false beliefs one after the next.

You are nuts! Why does anyone allow you to post here telling people what they feel, what they think because you think you are psychic. If your posts are accepted as normal and acceptable here I won't ever post here again. Nobody else sees what a loon you are besdides me?

[jessed03]

You are nuts! Why does anyone allow you to post here telling people what they feel, what they think because you think you are psychic. If your posts are accepted as normal and acceptable here I won't ever post here again. Nobody else sees what a loon you are besides me?

We don't even have mods any more. Forwells was the last active one, and he's been gone for a while. I think we could turn this forum into a video games forum and they wouldn't even notice.

[gypsylee]

We need new ones. Jesse and Nixon for the win!

[Kuma]

Panic -- It is simply not the case that all guys are the way you say all guys are. Maybe all guys that you know are that way. But not ALL guys are that way. For example, you say "ALL MEN look at p*rn." That is not true. I am a man and I do not look at p*rn. I just have no interest in it.

Moreover, as I have said before, you have a terrible way of communicating. Your arrogant tone detracts from any merit that there may be in the point you are making. In this case, I don't think that is much of a concern because the point you are making lacks merit. But there are times when your underlying point is worthwhile, but your "in your face," pompous and hostile communication style undercuts your point.

To be honest, you are viewed on this forum as a bit of a joke. I think that is a shame because you could add a useful perspective if you would only learn some humility and nuance, and a more effective communication strategy.

Having said that, if you want to continue to be the loud-mouth, know-it-all, bull-in-a-china shop. then keep doing what are you doing. You may not convince anyone, but it will be good for occasional comic relief.

[PanicCured]

Panic -- It is simply not the case that all guys are the way you say all guys are. Maybe all guys that you know are that way. But not ALL guys are that way. For example, you say "ALL MEN look at p*rn." That is not true. I am a man and I do not look at p*rn. I just have no interest in it.

Moreover, as I have said before, you have a terrible way of communicating. Your arrogant tone detracts from any merit that there may be in the point you are making. In this case, I don't think that is much of a concern because the point you are making lacks merit. But there are times when your underlying point is worthwhile, but your "in your face," pompous and hostile communication style undercuts your point.

To be honest, you are viewed on this forum as a bit of a joke. I think that is a shame because you could add a useful perspective if you would only learn some humility and nuance, and a more effective communication strategy.

Having said that, if you want to continue to be the loud-mouth, know-it-all, bull-in-a-china shop. then keep doing what are you doing. You may not convince anyone, but it will be good for occasional comic relief.

I'm not a joke! Nothing I write is a joke! You constantly post the same thing to me everytime, how the way I come across bla bla bla. I'm not here for a social outing like you where I need to worry about how the sheeple think. Those who use my advice get better, end of story! Why don't you just copy and paste it instead of writing it over an dover again?

You don;t look at porn? Be married for 10 years to the same woman and then tell me how you feel. Doesn't matter, my point was the same. A guy watches porn doesn't make him a pig or bad guy. I mean lots and lots os women now also watch porn but nobody calls them pigs. Do you think because a man signed his name on a marriage contract that he will never think about or desire another vagina ever again? You are delusional if you think this. Of course cheating is wrong as that is an action one has control over. But who he thinks about or what images he uses when he whacks off is his business. You don;t own his brain because he married you. As I stated above, which you glossed over, from what she wrote it seems the problem is not he saw porn, but that he may be watching it at addiction levels, and that he may be uncompromising and uncooperative, they may have deeper marital issues, and that he may be escaping from her nagging. All speculations on my part of course. In any case, the best advice here was what I gave: go see a marriage counselor.

[Kuma]

Panic Cured --

You say you are not here for a social outing so you do not need to be concerned about how you are perceived by others.

My point is that because of your hostile, dismissive and arrogant tone, you are viewed by others here (many of whom have expressed this to me in private messages) as a fool. So whatever message you are trying to convey -- whatever your purpose here is -- it is undercut by your tone and your style. You give some advice but because of the way you do it, people ignore your advice and instead react "who is this asshole and why is he here?" Your choice, buddy -- modulate your tone and your approach, or continue to be viewed as a troll, or as class clown, by nearly everyone on this forum.

Regarding your comment:

<<You don't look at porn? Be married for 10 years to the same woman and then tell me how you feel.>>

I have been married to the same woman for more than 20 years, and I do not look at porn. The stuff you think about "all guys" is not true about "all guys" -- it is only true about "some guys."

[mrslizzyg]

panic-

Lol. For the record, I don't think because my husband looks at porn, that he is a pig. I said the way YOU made men sound came across as being pigs. And you can say I am in denial about how "all guys" are but I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't think all guys are that way. Just like all girls aren't the same.

My favorite part is that you think you know me well enough to make generalizations about my marriage and the way things are handled. I don't speak to my husband the way I speak to you- you haven't given me any reason to be kind and calm, because from the get-go you came across very arrogant. I don't have respect for that... again, my OPINION. You might not be arrogant what so ever but that how I FELT about it. My attitude on this forum towards you has absolutely nothing to do with my attitude towards him. So clearly, you have no right to tell me how I think a relationship should be or how I nag my husband all I time. You don't KNOW anything about it. I don't expect life to be perfect or for control over my husband... But I am a loud to have feelings and this is something I have strong feelings for. Am I perfect? HELL NO. Far from. I could use some counseling. I'm not in "denial" about that. I have anxiety for crying out loud.

[kdg.supermom]

I am sorry you are going through this, it must be a very frustrating situation. Please don't think you aren't good enough. If your husband is watching porn and can't stop there could be deeper issues going on within him that has nothing to do with you. Maybe speaking to a counselor would help sort through your uncertainties. I came across some articles that may help also bit.ly/1BrBzMv.

Hang in there!


kdgsupermom

[jessed03]

Lol. For the record, I don't think because my husband looks at porn, that he is a pig. I said the way YOU made men sound came across as being pigs. And you can say I am in denial about how "all guys" are but I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't think all guys are that way. Just like all girls aren't the same.

My favorite part is that you think you know me well enough to make generalizations about my marriage and the way things are handled. I don't speak to my husband the way I speak to you- you haven't given me any reason to be kind and calm, because from the get-go you came across very arrogant. I don't have respect for that... again, my OPINION. You might not be arrogant what so ever but that how I FELT about it. My attitude on this forum towards you has absolutely nothing to do with my attitude towards him. So clearly, you have no right to tell me how I think a relationship should be or how I nag my husband all I time. You don't KNOW anything about it. I don't expect life to be perfect or for control over my husband... But I am a loud to have feelings and this is something I have strong feelings for. Am I perfect? HELL NO. Far from. I could use some counseling. I'm not in "denial" about that. I have anxiety for crying out loud.

You quoted me there. I hope that was by mistake. :)

[Goomba]

That made lol when I saw that.

[mrslizzyg]

You quoted me there. I hope that was by mistake. :)



Oh jeez! Yes def a mistake!! Sorry about that. Your advice has been appreciated.. And I will go fix my post now

[pmcdermo]

There is nothing wrong with not watching porn and there is nothing wrong with watching porn. I watch it, my girlfriend watches it, WE watch it, WE like it, nothing wrong with that. Another couple that doesnt watch it is not wrong either, nothing wrong with that. The issue here is compatibility, dont be with someone who isnt compatible. I dont want anyone to force their beliefs on me nor am I going to force mine on someone else. Besides, my girlfriend is better than any porn I watch anyways lol

[mrslizzyg]

There is nothing wrong with not watching porn and there is nothing wrong with watching porn. I watch it, my girlfriend watches it, WE watch it, WE like it, nothing wrong with that. Another couple that doesnt watch it is not wrong either, nothing wrong with that. The issue here is compatibility, dont be with someone who isnt compatible. I dont want anyone to force their beliefs on me nor am I going to force mine on someone else. Besides, my girlfriend is better than any porn I watch anyways lol

I totally agree! And thats where the issue started. I made it clear before we got married I wasnt OK with it. Then he watched it behind my back for 2 years AFTER we got married, then mafe it worse by telling me in a fight to purposely hurt my feelings.

[jessed03]

Haha, no worries, Lizzy!

Out of interest, how long have you both been married?

[gypsylee]

I think watching porn behind your back, lying about it and then using it to hurt you in a fight makes him a pig.

[mrslizzyg]

Haha, no worries, Lizzy!

Out of interest, how long have you both been married?


5 years last month. We separated after 4 & got back together about 5-6 months ago. This was just a part of the issues..

I love my husband a lot. If I didnt I wouldnt bother trying to fix it you know?

[mrslizzyg]

I think watching porn behind your back, lying about it and then using it to hurt you in a fight makes him a pig.

I felt that way for a long time.. Then I realized he just felt really guilty & the only way (for whatever reason) he knew how to express it was to make it MY FAULT.

I just thought when we got back together this shit was over.. Now im just confused.

[sae]

I tried to stay out of this one simply because it hit so close to home, but you know me: Sharey McSharington.
My husband liked porn. He did not like me. He was abusive, controlling, withheld love and attention out of spite, and openly told me and his friends that I was just "too fat and ugly" to have sex with. I felt hideous, like a swamp monster lurking in the dark.
7 years of marriage later, 5 of those without any intimacy what-so-ever, l stumble across some of the porn he had been watching. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. Everything he had looked up was gay porn.
I didn't ask about it, just kept it to myself, and wallowed about in self loathing. Another year passes, a year riddled with constantly removing porn malware from the family computer. I accidentally catch him and a male co-worker in our bed.
We never could talk about his... appreciations. I wasn't his bag of tricks and I took that to mean it was my fault. I tried to fix him, subtly. I blocked his porn sites, stuck closer than usual when he had friends over. We argued about it constantly. The harder I tried to fix him the worse I felt about myself.
In the end I realized I couldn't fix him, but I could fix myself. I tried separation, divorce (which my repeated failure to divorce him was a different story altogether), ignoring it and finally accepting it for what it was.

My point is this. Don't ever let another person dictate how you feel about you. Maybe he really does have an addiction, maybe he is simply lashing out. Not everyone is emotionally mature enough say "I'm hurting." Communication is key.

[jessed03]

I tried to stay out of this one simply because it hit so close to home, but you know me: Sharey McSharington.
My husband liked porn. He did not like me. He was abusive, controlling, withheld love and attention out of spite, and openly told me and his friends that I was just "too fat and ugly" to have sex with. I felt hideous, like a swamp monster lurking in the dark.
7 years of marriage later, 5 of those without any intimacy what-so-ever, l stumble across some of the porn he had been watching. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. Everything he had looked up was gay porn.
I didn't ask about it, just kept it to myself, and wallowed about in self loathing. Another year passes, a year riddled with constantly removing porn malware from the family computer. I accidentally catch him and a male co-worker in our bed.
We never could talk about his... appreciations. I wasn't his bag of tricks and I took that to mean it was my fault. I tried to fix him, subtly. I blocked his porn sites, stuck closer than usual when he had friends over. We argued about it constantly. The harder I tried to fix him the worse I felt about myself.
In the end I realized I couldn't fix him, but I could fix myself. I tried separation, divorce (which my repeated failure to divorce him was a different story altogether), ignoring it and finally accepting it for what it was.

My point is this. Don't ever let another person dictate how you feel about you. Maybe he really does have an addiction, maybe he is simply lashing out. Not everyone is emotionally mature enough say "I'm hurting." Communication is key.

Another great post from Sae. A great share.

MrsLizzyg, if you don't mind me asking (and feel free to completely ignore this question), what's your sex life currently like? It will give more insight into your relationship, though of course will be far from the complete picture.

[NixonRulz]

I have never been much into internet porn.

It becomes an endless search to try and find the perfect movie/pic

And that takes hours and things get chapped after a bit

My wife wouldn't care if I was looking at it and I have been to strip clubs with my friends on occasion and she never cares. In fact, she and I have gone together a few times

I guess to ImSuffering's point, my wife is completey secure with the fact that I still really dig her and I wouldn't blow my relationship with her for a chance to bang someone else.

Okay, it would depend who it was;)

[PanicCured]

I don't understand why a man has to ask permission to watch porn. Does he have to ask permission to watch a Rated R movie that has a fiery sex scene too? Should he ask permission to Game of Thrones as well? But that is the couple's own choice how they view those things so I respect that. I think some Western women try to control their husband's mind too much. He is still a free spirit and has his own life's journey. But sure, I can see the debate about it.


But no matter what, women need to understand just because a man sings on the dotted line of a marriage contract, does not mean he won't want or think about another vagina again. If you think he will only think of you forever, that is delusional. If you think when he drinks beer with his buddies they don;t talk about banging other chicks, that is delusional. What else are they supposed to talk about? Money, sex and sports. I mean get real!

Cheating is different. That is an actual act and that is wrong no matter what. Strip club is different. If I was married I would not get a lap dance from a girl. I think that isn't cool. Just my opinion. I also would not have a bachelor party with strippers involved. But a guy is home alone starts whackin it, goes to a free internet porn site, watches for 10 minutes, I mean, is it realistic to go ape shit about it?


BUT... I think if we read the OP we can see this sounds like much more than he watched porn go tear his balls off. Sounds like he is focused on porn more than her, and too much to possible addiction levels, and that they are having deeper marital problems that needs marriage counseling. Just from what I read that is what I gather.

[PanicCured]

Besides, my girlfriend is better than any porn I watch anyways lol

Does she have a sister I can meet?

[PanicCured]

panic-

Lol. For the record, I don't think because my husband looks at porn, that he is a pig. I said the way YOU made men sound came across as being pigs. And you can say I am in denial about how "all guys" are but I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't think all guys are that way. Just like all girls aren't the same.

My favorite part is that you think you know me well enough to make generalizations about my marriage and the way things are handled. I don't speak to my husband the way I speak to you- you haven't given me any reason to be kind and calm, because from the get-go you came across very arrogant. I don't have respect for that... again, my OPINION. You might not be arrogant what so ever but that how I FELT about it. My attitude on this forum towards you has absolutely nothing to do with my attitude towards him. So clearly, you have no right to tell me how I think a relationship should be or how I nag my husband all I time. You don't KNOW anything about it. I don't expect life to be perfect or for control over my husband... But I am a loud to have feelings and this is something I have strong feelings for. Am I perfect? HELL NO. Far from. I could use some counseling. I'm not in "denial" about that. I have anxiety for crying out loud.


I tried my best to tell you from what I gathered from your posts this is my opinion. I fully realize I do not know you. If I didn't make that clear, I am now. I am working on what you wrote only, and how I interpreted on what you wrote. Guys seeing a video of people having sex or talking about pussy with their guy friends doe snot make him a pig, and if this sounds like news to you, than you do not understand men. I mean, that's just how it is. If you think a guy you marry will never think or want another vagina, I think you do not understand men. Again, thinking about it and doing it are not the same.

Anyway, just read my advice and if you dont like it then just say you don't agree. Don;t get upset.

[mrslizzyg]

I tried my best to tell you from what I gathered from your posts this is my opinion. I fully realize I do not know you. If I didn't make that clear, I am now. I am working on what you wrote only, and how I interpreted on what you wrote. Guys seeing a video of people having sex or talking about pussy with their guy friends doe snot make him a pig, and if this sounds like news to you, than you do not understand men. I mean, that's just how it is. If you think a guy you marry will never think or want another vagina, I think you do not understand men. Again, thinking about it and doing it are not the same.

Anyway, just read my advice and if you dont like it then just say you don't agree. Don;t get upset.

I don't expect my husband to never find another woman attractive or to only think about me for the rest of his life. I am not an idiot. But when I entered into this marriage we had a MUTUAL understanding that porn was considered inappropriate for both- even for me to want to read a sex novel, that is something that bothers HIM. So I don't do it. He has told ME before that if I watched porn it would bother him... so there is a double standard here. He has been doing it behind my back and been using it to hurt my feelings. When he watches it, he becomes a different person.

I think my biggest issue here with you Panic is that you come off REALLY harsh. After reading you last couple posts I got a different vibe from you and I felt you were a little more understanding... but you very first post comes off as almost attacking in my opinion.. I apologize because I have a hard time being understanding when I get that vibe from a person, my anxiety kind of takes over and I automatically put up my fight response.



SAE- I wanted to say thank you VERY much for sharing your story. It sound like that wasn't easy for you to do. You advice is very much appreciated. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that..



Jesse- See this is what I don't get, our sex life is GREAT. We openly talk about it as well. We have sex like 4x a week if not more(and it's good sex!), and for both of us working full time jobs and him also being on a basketball league I feel that is pretty good!

[PanicCured]

so there is a double standard here.
Ok this is new info. Either I didn't notice that or you didn't write that. This is a different issue. So yes definitely a double standard and that means he is not playing fair.


He has been doing it behind my back and been using it to hurt my feelings. When he watches it, he becomes a different person. He is no longer present in the bedroom with me during OUR time

Obviously this has to do with how he feels about you and isn;t telling you honestly how he feels. This would come out in marriage therapy with a 3rd person in the room. He has a reason for this.


and he also sexualizes me a lot more in our daily interacts.. IE "why isn't your shirt lower? show you boobs off more!".... I do wear low cut shirts but I also don't like to attract attention from other men I don't want seeing too much of my body.

Now I wouldn't say it like that, but my wife should allow me to sexualize her any way I want within reason! I mean she is my wife! (I'm not married in real life). If I want her bent over in front of me in a Little Red Riding Hood outfit saying "Fuck Me Big Bad Wolf!"- she should do this or why the hell ddid I marry her? If a girl was not doing for me what I wanted sexually, we would not even be engaged. I would expect me to do the same for her. This whole "he sexualizes me" is ridiculous. you guys are married. You should have fucked every which way but loose by now!



Porn for him isn't like it may be for some guys.. he walks away effected by it mentally and it hurts our relationship. He isn't as much of a gentleman. I think that is enough of a reason to not want him watching it.. I don't deserve to be treated poorly because he decides to whack off to porn.

As I said before, this sounds like a type of porn addiction, and this requires treatment. Watching porn and treating your wife poorly should have no connection, since it does this is a big issue that must be dealt with.

You need a marriage therapist, because in that room, all the inner feelings will come out. If you already have one, maybe get a new one. You guys need marriage counseling, and no way around it. You need to get his true feelings out and get all your gripes out in the open so you can sort them out, or make the decision if you are a right fit.






See this is what I don't get, our sex life is GREAT. We openly talk about it as well. We have sex like 4x a week if not more(and it's good sex!), and for both of us working full time jobs and him also being on a basketball league I feel that is pretty good!

I guess 4 times a week is good after you've been together a while, but I'd prefer 4 times in one day. Anyway, it doesn't sound abnormal. But guys will fuck anything even if it isn't good. The point is, how is he feeling about it in his head. That will come out in marriage counseling. But also, if he has porn addiction, it may be a separate issue entirely than you. Another point you MUST understand about men, along with many others I have pointed out, is thinking of other women or watching porn does not mean he is not into you. Men do not only like one vagina! A guy can be fucking a super model everyday, and still watch porn, look a nude photos or just think of other women.

Anyway, please get professional help and so many answers will come to you guys.

[mrslizzyg]

Ok this is new info. Either I didn't notice that or you didn't write that. This is a different issue. So yes definitely a double standard and that means he is not playing fair.



Obviously this has to do with how he feels about you and isn;t telling you honestly how he feels. This would come out in marriage therapy with a 3rd person in the room. He has a reason for this.



Now I wouldn't say it like that, but my wife should allow me to sexualize her any way I want within reason! I mean she is my wife! (I'm not married in real life). If I want her bent over in front of me in a Little Red Riding Hood outfit saying "Fuck Me Big Bad Wolf!"- she should do this or why the hell ddid I marry her? If a girl was not doing for me what I wanted sexually, we would not even be engaged. I would expect me to do the same for her. This whole "he sexualizes me" is ridiculous. you guys are married. You should have fucked every which way but loose by now!

.


I meant that he sexualizes me IN PUBLIC. Ill be whatever kind of dirty he wants in private, he can def sexualize me.. But I dont dress like a prude & I am not going to dress like a slut in public to the point where I am uncomfortable. Infront of him is different..

[Bridget Goddard]

One thing I know is that his porn habit has nothing to do with you not being good enough.
Your concerns are valid and fair.
He should not have agreed to refrain from an activity if that was never his intention.
I really wish I had better advice for you, but I ask you to remember that you are more than enough!
This is about him, not you.

[struggling1234]

Hi, mrslizzyg, firstly I want to say im a previous porn user! and i got over myself. Im a religious person so for me its forbidden. its against my moral beliefs. but someone introduced me to it once and i never could seem to get off it. its something I hate, something I look down at myself upon. I cant believe I did it for so many years and one day I had enough.. i had to give it up. your husband is SOOOOOOO lucky that he has you! he can have sex with you whenever he feels like looking at porn.. I WISH I was that lucky. your an amazing person for sticking by him. and i know how bad porn can change a guys tastes. what pornography does is your start off looking at the normal sexual stuff, but your brain gets extremely sensitized to it after huge dopamine hits, then you look for more dirtier things and your brain craves a bigger and bigger hit of the chemical dopamine. hence why your husband is reacting the way he is. eg. start of with plain sex ----> then can only get turned on from big fake boobs/ass ------> then gets into anal -----> then gangbangs ----> then really dirty stupid stuff that normal people wont do.. you get the picture. and ultimately he'll only get turned on by all that fake novelty bullshit... that's why he wants you to dress in the way he does because his brain is sensitized to all the sluts hoes and bitches that he's been watching online. he wants you to be like them.

you are a REAL beautiful amazing women and its in no way your fault. your husband has a problem that he needs to fix!! his brain has gone through significant structural changes over his years of watching porn. but there is good news:

your husband needs to reboot like i did. go 120 days free from any form of sexual thought or activity. some people go complete cold turkey and some guys with partners include sex with a real women as part of the reboot. but the best thing to do is do a full reboot.


From my experience i want to tell you somethings:

1. He has a porn addiction!! its the same as a DRUG addiction. i highly recommend you go over to www.yourbrainonporn.com and read how pornography alters the brain. the amount of dopamine released from endless novelty. Its extremely difficult to stop because its just like being on cocaine or heroine.
2. He needs to do a sexual reboot like i said above
3. he will go through some massive withdrawals 1-2 weeks into leaving porn i can guarantee you. moodiness, anxiety, insomnia, unable to eat etc etc
4 he will flat-line after that meaning his penis will feel limp and dead for a month or maybe even more.
5. you will need to keep him away from computers, phones, tvs etc anywhere where he can access it.
6. keep on the good lifestyle and he will return to a normal man without porn.

i could go on an on but i highly suggest you visit the website i mentioned above. show him the website as well and how harmful pornography is. It really needs to be banned worldwide.
he has a problem with porn and its affecting you as his life partner. you don't deserve it and HE also doesn't deserve to look at such rubbish!

there are thousands of guys trying to reboot on that website, and there are a lot of success stories as well. i suggest you sign him up for it. ask him to do it for you. so him how he is only harming himself by watching porn. consider threatening to leave him, give him something to loose. that's the only way he'll let go of his porn. its either the porn or you!

BUT HE CAN RECOVER. AND IF HE TRULY LOVES YOU WITH ALL HIS HEART HE SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOU!! HE OWES IT TO YOU.

if i could do it, so can he!! but the journey for him will be hard and will take will power and courage! and your support as well

i hope my post helped you.

[jessed03]

That's a great post, struggling. Nicely said!

I was thinking of mentioning something similar, but was wondering if Lizzy's partner would have the motivation to do a "porn cleanse". You've put over the case way better than I would have done, though. 100% something she should talk about with him.

Out of interest, did you also go the 120 days without masturbation? Because, someone told me that's impossible. I mean, sure, I can do it, but I'm super-human!

[Im-Suffering]

I have not reread the following post, edited for grammar, structure and so forgive me I'm not sure how clear I am this morning. It is automatic writing, and from a cell phone.

The attention has to come back to self.

We have said this a few times on this board. There is always much more than meets the eye in every physical experience. Keeping in mind all physical events have their origins in the mental or spirit world first. In thought. No event can materialize without such a mental archetype. You are mental beings you see, having a physical experience. And so you were given feelings, to use them as a guide to how you are doing. You can judge your life with eyes shut, and have a more accurate picture of the true nature of your reality, you see. But your eyes are entranced by the physical. You are all under its spell. You trust it more than.your own intuition.

We are leading the OP deeper then because on a surface level what seems to be true is illusive.

So, you must believe there is a deeper meaning to every experience.

Relationships only true purpose (interactions with peers) ..

Is to heal every false belief you ever had about yourself.

That is the gift between soul mates. And soul mates are all around you, not just a spouse.

The second spiritual idea is that..

There is only you, period.

Given the opportunity to heal every false belief you hold about yourselves means you will often be triggered. In such a case the knee jerk is to blame first. Which brings us to a pitfall of relationships. Diversion.

"I am feeling badly today, so I will go out with mary, she makes me feel better". In this case Mary is used as an escape, from self, and the gift of self-reflection toward possible growth is lost. After the day with mary, you return once again to self, and it's problems. If one diverts for years then she begins to brood, feel incapable to solve her issues, doubt sets in, worry and fear. She begins to feel anxious and is said to be depressed. She cannot run forever in such a case, her psyche has finally caught her.

You are meant to look at your peers and environment, seeing them clearly, judging them based on your highest regard for self. If you feel badly, this is a chance not to divert, but to recount your life, your inner beliefs, your ideas about the world and your relation to it, your value judgements. You are meant to look clearly at your early life role models and see their influence, if those outdated beliefs still have a footprint.

You are meant to change self first, and then the environment shifts to create the atmosphere and framework for that new state of being.

You cannot say however, I am going to soul search and work on myself, changing what feels badly in me, and keeping what feels good, all the while hoping you won't lose your husband, in this case, or friends or even parents, because that is a psychological conflict. In this case the decision is weak. The physical results of such thought is exactly what you (OP) have been receiving. Lies, deceit, and back and forth results to corroborate that inner indecision.

You are getting what you expect in all cases, and by the law of attraction should you leave.this person, you will attract the same experience next time, until the pain is sufficient to take the focus off the outside world as a last resort, and look within.

There are no exceptions here. You know intuitively that if you rock the boat sufficiently, people might fall out, and this fear is stopping you from experiencing true love for self. In the form of always, no exception, acting in the highest regard for self. In true spiritual terms this will always be the best for another as well. Your experiences are intimately tied in with them. The true question becomes in all cases, "what is in my highest regard for self", and this can always be answered with "what would love do now".

That is all for today.

[mrslizzyg]

One thing I know is that his porn habit has nothing to do with you not being good enough.
Your concerns are valid and fair.
He should not have agreed to refrain from an activity if that was never his intention.
I really wish I had better advice for you, but I ask you to remember that you are more than enough!
This is about him, not you.


Thank you. :) I try really hard not to let this reflect on my self image... It just is easier said than done lol.



Hi, mrslizzyg, firstly I want to say im a previous porn user! and i got over myself. Im a religious person so for me its forbidden. its against my moral beliefs. but someone introduced me to it once and i never could seem to get off it. its something I hate, something I look down at myself upon. I cant believe I did it for so many years and one day I had enough.. i had to give it up. your husband is SOOOOOOO lucky that he has you! he can have sex with you whenever he feels like looking at porn.. I WISH I was that lucky. your an amazing person for sticking by him. and i know how bad porn can change a guys tastes. what pornography does is your start off looking at the normal sexual stuff, but your brain gets extremely sensitized to it after huge dopamine hits, then you look for more dirtier things and your brain craves a bigger and bigger hit of the chemical dopamine. hence why your husband is reacting the way he is. eg. start of with plain sex ----> then can only get turned on from big fake boobs/ass ------> then gets into anal -----> then gangbangs ----> then really dirty stupid stuff that normal people wont do.. you get the picture. and ultimately he'll only get turned on by all that fake novelty bullshit... that's why he wants you to dress in the way he does because his brain is sensitized to all the sluts hoes and bitches that he's been watching online. he wants you to be like them.

you are a REAL beautiful amazing women and its in no way your fault. your husband has a problem that he needs to fix!! his brain has gone through significant structural changes over his years of watching porn. but there is good news:

your husband needs to reboot like i did. go 120 days free from any form of sexual thought or activity. some people go complete cold turkey and some guys with partners include sex with a real women as part of the reboot. but the best thing to do is do a full reboot.


From my experience i want to tell you somethings:

1. He has a porn addiction!! its the same as a DRUG addiction. i highly recommend you go over to www.yourbrainonporn.com and read how pornography alters the brain. the amount of dopamine released from endless novelty. Its extremely difficult to stop because its just like being on cocaine or heroine.
2. He needs to do a sexual reboot like i said above
3. he will go through some massive withdrawals 1-2 weeks into leaving porn i can guarantee you. moodiness, anxiety, insomnia, unable to eat etc etc
4 he will flat-line after that meaning his penis will feel limp and dead for a month or maybe even more.
5. you will need to keep him away from computers, phones, tvs etc anywhere where he can access it.
6. keep on the good lifestyle and he will return to a normal man without porn.

i could go on an on but i highly suggest you visit the website i mentioned above. show him the website as well and how harmful pornography is. It really needs to be banned worldwide.
he has a problem with porn and its affecting you as his life partner. you don't deserve it and HE also doesn't deserve to look at such rubbish!

there are thousands of guys trying to reboot on that website, and there are a lot of success stories as well. i suggest you sign him up for it. ask him to do it for you. so him how he is only harming himself by watching porn. consider threatening to leave him, give him something to loose. that's the only way he'll let go of his porn. its either the porn or you!

BUT HE CAN RECOVER. AND IF HE TRULY LOVES YOU WITH ALL HIS HEART HE SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOU!! HE OWES IT TO YOU.

if i could do it, so can he!! but the journey for him will be hard and will take will power and courage! and your support as well

i hope my post helped you.


This advice is absolutely wonderful.. It's nice to hear this story from someone on the other side of the coin, who understands the reasons it is wrong in this particular situation. Some relationships can work well with porn and what not, which I respect.. but this is not JUST watching porn and moving on.. this is an addiction like you have stated. Unfortunately, I know I could not get him to agree to do something this drastic. At this point he isn't even ADMITTING to doing it.. and before, when he was, trying to get him to do anything about it was always a fight. Didn't matter how I approached it with him... He is to stubborn to admit this is an issue. That's why I feel like I am at a loss.



I have not reread the following post, edited for grammar, structure and so forgive me I'm not sure how clear I am this morning. It is automatic writing, and from a cell phone.

The attention has to come back to self.

We have said this a few times on this board. There is always much more than meets the eye in every physical experience. Keeping in mind all physical events have their origins in the mental or spirit world first. In thought. No event can materialize without such a mental archetype. You are mental beings you see, having a physical experience. And so you were given feelings, to use them as a guide to how you are doing. You can judge your life with eyes shut, and have a more accurate picture of the true nature of your reality, you see. But your eyes are entranced by the physical. You are all under its spell. You trust it more than.your own intuition.

We are leading the OP deeper then because on a surface level what seems to be true is illusive.

So, you must believe there is a deeper meaning to every experience.

Relationships only true purpose (interactions with peers) ..

Is to heal every false belief you ever had about yourself.

That is the gift between soul mates. And soul mates are all around you, not just a spouse.

The second spiritual idea is that..

There is only you, period.

Given the opportunity to heal every false belief you hold about yourselves means you will often be triggered. In such a case the knee jerk is to blame first. Which brings us to a pitfall of relationships. Diversion.

"I am feeling badly today, so I will go out with mary, she makes me feel better". In this case Mary is used as an escape, from self, and the gift of self-reflection toward possible growth is lost. After the day with mary, you return once again to self, and it's problems. If one diverts for years then she begins to brood, feel incapable to solve her issues, doubt sets in, worry and fear. She begins to feel anxious and is said to be depressed. She cannot run forever in such a case, her psyche has finally caught her.

You are meant to look at your peers and environment, seeing them clearly, judging them based on your highest regard for self. If you feel badly, this is a chance not to divert, but to recount your life, your inner beliefs, your ideas about the world and your relation to it, your value judgements. You are meant to look clearly at your early life role models and see their influence, if those outdated beliefs still have a footprint.

You are meant to change self first, and then the environment shifts to create the atmosphere and framework for that new state of being.

You cannot say however, I am going to soul search and work on myself, changing what feels badly in me, and keeping what feels good, all the while hoping you won't lose your husband, in this case, or friends or even parents, because that is a psychological conflict. In this case the decision is weak. The physical results of such thought is exactly what you (OP) have been receiving. Lies, deceit, and back and forth results to corroborate that inner indecision.

You are getting what you expect in all cases, and by the law of attraction should you leave.this person, you will attract the same experience next time, until the pain is sufficient to take the focus off the outside world as a last resort, and look within.

There are no exceptions here. You know intuitively that if you rock the boat sufficiently, people might fall out, and this fear is stopping you from experiencing true love for self. In the form of always, no exception, acting in the highest regard for self. In true spiritual terms this will always be the best for another as well. Your experiences are intimately tied in with them. The true question becomes in all cases, "what is in my highest regard for self", and this can always be answered with "what would love do now".

That is all for today.

Honestly, IS.. I picked up on some of this post.. but of a lot of it just went right over my head. I wish I could say I understand what you meant, because I know your posts take time to write, but it just really didn't click for me in this one. =/

[Kuma]

my wife should allow me to sexualize her any way I want within reason! I mean she is my wife! (I'm not married in real life). If I want her bent over in front of me in a Little Red Riding Hood outfit saying "Fuck Me Big Bad Wolf!"- she should do this or why the hell ddid I marry her? .

Reading this, it is not exactly surprising that you aren't married. I cannot imagine that any self-respecting woman would consider marrying you.

[Im-Suffering]

Honestly, IS.. I picked up on some of this post.. but of a lot of it just went right over my head. I wish I could say I understand what you meant, because I know your posts take time to write, but it just really didn't click for me in this one. =/

Relationships _ the purpose - to give you an opportunity to heal every false belief_idea you ever had about yourself.

The question is "what am I faced with in my relationship?"

Whatever the issue, "in my beloved (or parent or friend) I see myself, reflected back at me", not to hurt me, but to give me an opportunity to heal that which is inside me, that I am projecting.

To change the physical, change the beliefs first. You might find yourself thinking "every man is like such and such.", or "my dad was like this and so" _ the belief is across the board as a general idea, or fact of life. In changing a belief one begins to question their belief structures, like a living room with furniture, rearranging - moving the couch changes the whole atmosphere of the room. And so you only need to examine a few beliefs. Changing one or two will entirely shift your reality.

Another words, with respect to this topic, he will stop when you no longer need him to (insert topic here).

Check the hurts left from dad - and the feelings/residue as a child. The dynamics between them (mom) - the beliefs are there along with the hurt (anger).

This is a difficult concept indeed. In any case, just think about those last statements and see what your mind presents to you. I believe in you. You can do this.

This post is 'engineered' specifically to trigger an epiphany. If not now, then when you least expect it, like an oyster that one day opens to reveal it's prize.

Namaste

[mrslizzyg]

Relationships _ the purpose - to give you an opportunity to heal every false belief_idea you ever had about yourself.


Another words, with respect to this topic, he will stop when you no longer need him to (insert topic here).

Check the hurts left from dad - and the feelings/residue as a child. The dynamics between them (mom) - the beliefs are there along with the hurt (anger).

This is a difficult concept indeed. In any case, just think about those last statements and see what your mind presents to you. I believe in you. You can do this.

This post is 'engineered' specifically to trigger an epiphany. If not now, then when you least expect it, like an oyster that one day opens to reveal it's prize.

Namaste

Thank you, IS. This resonated with me.


And thank you everyone else for all your help/advice. I appreciate it so much. :)

[struggling1234]

hey mate, sorry for such a late reply, haven't been online for a while.

I went 91 days without any form of sexual activity and I tried to keep away thoughts as well as much as I could. after the 91 days I pretty much touched my dick WITHOUT ANY PORN while waving my waste lol and boom!!! the erections I felt were crazzzzyyyy!!! the reboot literally reawakens your penis from all the abuse it gets from years of fapping and deathgrip wanking.... and the load ull release is a huge amount!!! girls would love it hahah.

let porn go! you can do it!! its amazingly tough but if you have the mindset ull get to that 120 day mark.

ive actually just started a 30 day reboot now just for the sake of it. and I know that when I find a girl or get married shes going to get really satisfied which sort of makes me not want to fap or watch porn anyway hahah

[struggling1234]

That's a great post, struggling. Nicely said!

I was thinking of mentioning something similar, but was wondering if Lizzy's partner would have the motivation to do a "porn cleanse". You've put over the case way better than I would have done, though. 100% something she should talk about with him.

Out of interest, did you also go the 120 days without masturbation? Because, someone told me that's impossible. I mean, sure, I can do it, but I'm super-human!

hey mate, sorry for such a late reply, haven't been online for a while.

I went 91 days without any form of sexual activity and I tried to keep away thoughts as well as much as I could. after the 91 days I pretty much touched my dick WITHOUT ANY PORN while waving my waste lol and boom!!! the erections I felt were crazzzzyyyy!!! the reboot literally reawakens your penis from all the abuse it gets from years of fapping and deathgrip wanking.... and the load ull release is a huge amount!!! girls would love it hahah.

let porn go! you can do it!! its amazingly tough but if you have the mindset ull get to that 120 day mark.

ive actually just started a 30 day reboot now just for the sake of it. and I know that when I find a girl or get married shes going to get really satisfied which sort of makes me not want to fap or watch porn anyway hahah

[Fanboifresh]

I can see where you can find this hurtful without a doubt, and for him to do it against your wishes, that's more than human urges, that's wrong. If he is doing this behind your back, that's not ok and I believe you need to confront him about it again and let him know that's it's NOT ok, no way shape of form. And to do it in spite of you is even worse. If my Gf stated that she wouldn't find it acceptable, then for sure as hell i wouldn't.

But just to verify, it has nothing to do with him being an less attracted to you, or that he wishes you were them. So don't feel insecure. Its maybe more of the fact of mental/emotional attraction, as relationships go on, the sex life can become a little dull. In example less frequent, same positions, basically like a rerun TV show. It's more of an act than an act of love. I suggest maybe spicing things up a little, (only if you want to) maybe buy some lingerie, surprise him, go for it at random times, tell him you love him more frequently, Etc.. I'm not an expert on this kind of thing, but if he is doing it, there's more to it then just to hurt you. (Outside of the fight, which I'm pretty sure he just l SAID he did it to hurt you, not actually did it to hurt you)

Anyway, thats just my thoughts. Another idea. (If your ok with it) is maybe get all dolled up and have him take some pics of YOU, have you be his go to pictures rather than porn. And state that if he feels the urge to do it, to look at the pics of you instead..

But I really hope this works out for you, because if he is hurting you and doing it anyway, it's NOT ok, guys do not do this.. Well good guys dont..