Revolving Door Moods

[sae]

Tonight I have the revolving door moods. Normally I don't have a mood at all. Most days, even when I am anxious or depressed, I am still the same old me, cheerful, upbeat, amicable, pleasant (hormonal days and panic attacks notwithstanding). Anger is an emotion I feel maybe a handful of days a year if that. Anger, for me, is volatile and frightening. Somehow the kid managed to evoke real anger from me while she did what a teenager does best, argue. I handled it like a champ with stern yet even tones, sent her to her friend's house to study, and once alone I raged, kicking the tree in the backyard, punching the shed, shouting like a lunatic. Mind you I am perfectly composed most days and this sort of toddler style tantrum is way out of character for me.
The rage was over in less than 5 minutes and here comes the tears. I sit down on the ground, cry more when I realize the ground is muddy, even more still when the ants show up.
30 minutes later, showered and slathered with benadryl cream I was on top of the world. I probably called 7 or 8 people I hadn't spoken to in months just to say hi.
Now I am just exhausted. I think I might actually be able to sleep without the trazadone tonight.
How do I prevent this from reoccurring? I am still relearning how to feel at all so I don't even know what to do to prevent this from ocurring again. Thoughts?

[gypsylee]

I have a teenager as well and they are masters of evoking anger! Well all children are but teenagers even more so. You did really well to wait until you were alone to let it out. The tears are normal and healthy as well - my anger normally expresses itself that way but occasionally I have the tantrum as well (had one tonight in fact where I had an urge to smash things). So I wouldn't be too concerned about it really. You just sound like a normal human being to me :)

[Im-Suffering]

This post is magnificent. So many lessons !

Read it in its entirety (in the quote) - don't get bored and quit out. Or let your mind talk you out of paying attention.

The reason for most of the emotional 'issues' you face are 2/3 of the way down. This is a beautiful example for all readers.




Tonight I have the revolving door moods - good !!!

Normally I don't have a mood at all. - Abnormal, repressed, suppressed, like a volcano building pressure

Most days, even when I am anxious or depressed, I am still the same old me, cheerful, upbeat, amicable, pleasant (hormonal days and panic attacks notwithstanding). - Denial, front, lie, wearing a mask. Long ago you shut down and put on a happy face to cover the pain

Anger is an emotion I feel maybe a handful of days a year if that. Anger, for me, is volatile and frightening. - yes, you are afraid of yourself, suppressing 'it' (any 'natural' aggression) at all costs - fear of confrontation, criticism, low self worth, lack of value, esteem. Likely the result of abuse. Physical, emotional, and or sexual.

once alone I raged, kicking the tree in the backyard, punching the shed, shouting like a lunatic. - Fantastic !! Finally let it all out. This is an accumulation, not based solely on the current experience.

Mind you I am perfectly composed most days and this sort of toddler style tantrum is way out of character for me. - You had better be a good little girl !


The rage was over in less than 5 minutes and here comes the tears. I sit down on the ground, cry more when I realize the ground is muddy, even more still when the ants show up. - The burst of suppressed energy leads to a release, and a sigh of relief, just like the cool air after a thunderstorm.

30 minutes later, showered and slathered with benadryl cream I was on top of the world. I probably called 7 or 8 people I hadn't spoken to in months just to say hi. - You felt good!!! You can feel this way all of the time, can you imagine?

Now I am just exhausted. I think I might actually be able to sleep without the trazadone tonight. - Thats right, expression leads to contentment, no more meds to sleep !

How do I prevent (suppression based on false beliefs or conditioning) this from reoccurring? HERE IS THE CAUSE OF YOUR ANXIETY AND PROBLEMS - (ALL CAPS).

I am still relearning how to feel at all so - YES!!! Good !!! FEEL, LET IT OUT - Time to reopen your heart.

I don't even know what to do to prevent this from ocurring again. - Again, good ! You are learning ! Prevent what? The natural expression of who you are? Aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Thoughts? - GIVEN

Just because you asked for 'thoughts' does not mean you will finally listen.

This post is so good for you, and others, on so many levels. Will you hear? Will you change? Will you find who you are?

[sae]

Thank you both for your responses. Repression, while it serves my purposes of being the most functional single mom shut in can possibly be, really is pretty detrimental to me. It's much like the addict that stares at the door of the treatment center long and hard then leaves to score another rock.
I think I go through many of my days numb. Once upon a time it was imperative to do so, but much like being in a high control relationship the numbness became comfortable. Perhaps it's time to let others see at lest a glimpse of me being human, even though that is a really scary thought.

[Im-Suffering]

Perhaps it's time to let others see at lest a glimpse of me being human, even though that is a really scary thought.



In fear (and to an extent shock) you pulled away. Through love you will come back.

And so we say its okay to be you - a flower does not hide its petals from the world. That expression is innately joyful to it. When you smile, and feel good, about you - it sends that same ripple effect out.

I talk to you because I want to reach you. And if I do, then we have both fulfilled our purpose for being here.