I didn't ask for this life..

[BrookeLynnnn]

I just need to vent.

So I'm always with my mom because I can't be left home alone. Well today I saw a text from her to my dad about how she can't ever do anything alone because of me.. It broke my heart. No one will allow me to get back on medication but they aren't making this any easier. I hate this much more than they do. They don't understand the constant fear I live in everyday. I know I'm a burden but I always beg them to please bare with me until the baby is here & I can take my medication again. I feel like I have no one :(

[Kuma]

I just need to vent.

So I'm always with my mom because I can't be left home alone. Well today I saw a text from her to my dad about how she can't ever do anything alone because of me.. It broke my heart. No one will allow me to get back on medication but they aren't making this any easier. I hate this much more than they do. They don't understand the constant fear I live in everyday. I know I'm a burden but I always beg them to please bare with me until the baby is here & I can take my medication again. I feel like I have no one :(

I am sure it is really hard on you, and also hard on them. Fortunately, it is for a defined period of time -- since you know you will be able to get back on meds and control the anxiety after the baby is born and your doctor OKs it. It really will all be worthwhile, for you and for your family, once the baby is born. For a few months more of tolerating anxiety as best you can, you will be rewarded with a lifetime of love and happiness. Hang in there....

[BrookeLynnnn]

I am sure it is really hard on you, and also hard on them. Fortunately, it is for a defined period of time -- since you know you will be able to get back on meds and control the anxiety after the baby is born and your doctor OKs it. It really will all be worthwhile, for you and for your family, once the baby is born. For a few months more of tolerating anxiety as best you can, you will be rewarded with a lifetime of love and happiness. Hang in there....

Thank you

Around 90 days left, give or take. I can suffer through until then if they just bare with me.. & I know it's a lot to ask. It just depresses me. I've never been depressed before & I know I am now because of the stupid anxiety.

[jessed03]

The clock sure keeps ticking down, doesn't it? Only 90 days now.

Do you plan on going back on meds straight after birth?

[BrookeLynnnn]

The clock sure keeps ticking down, doesn't it? Only 90 days now.

Do you plan on going back on meds straight after birth?

Everyday is a struggle but it seems like it's going by quick! Lol

Yes I will be getting back on medication after he's born. As bad as my anxiety is now, I need it.

[Goomba]

What are you afraid of?

[BrookeLynnnn]

What are you afraid of?

I have agoraphobia & I also cannot be alone.

[Goomba]

What keeps you from being alone?

[BrookeLynnnn]

What keeps you from being alone?

I'm afraid of having a panic attack by myself & not being able to drive to the hospital or call for help..

[Goomba]

What makes you have to go to the hospital when having a panic attack?

Why can't you have one when you're alone?

[BrookeLynnnn]

What makes you have to go to the hospital when having a panic attack?

Why can't you have one when you're alone?

I've never gone to the hospital for one. But I have friends that go every time so now it's stuck in my head that I'll have to go.

I've also never had a panic attack alone. I really try not to be alone, ever.

[Goomba]

Is all of this new as of the pregnancy?

What would happen if you had one alone?

[BrookeLynnnn]

Is all of this new as of the pregnancy?

I've had random panic attacks for awhile. But February 2014, I became agoraphobic. March I got on medication. It saved me. I live a normal life. I could be alone & go wherever I pleased. Then in December, I found out I was pregnant & had to quit the meds.. The anxiety was always there after that but just recently the attacks & agoraphobia has come back.

[Goomba]

What do you think would happen if you had one alone?

[BrookeLynnnn]

What do you think would happen if you had one alone?

I would stop breathing from the attack & no one would be here to help me

[Goomba]

It would kill you?

[BrookeLynnnn]

It would kill you?

Pretty much. Even though I know it won't right now. But that's what I think when I feel it happening.

I say, screw this. I'm gonna let my next panic attack do its thing & im gonna let it happen to show myself I'll be okay. But I feel it come on & I get so scared that I make it go away & I run from whatever situation I'm in.

[Goomba]

What's wrong with dieing?

[BrookeLynnnn]

What's wrong with dieing?

Well nothing I guess.. The feeling just scares me

[Goomba]

So, you have no fear of death then?

[BrookeLynnnn]

So, you have no fear of death then?

I guess a little. At times I think it would be better than living in constant fear.

[Goomba]

Recap:

You have anxiety from not wanting to have a panic attack.

You don't want to to have a panic attack alone.

This is mostly due to not wanting to stop breathing, not being able to find help when that happens.

If that happens, it could kill you.

Yet, you don't fear death.

That doesn't change that you have constant fear.

So, what is it that you are truly fearing?

[BrookeLynnnn]

Recap:

You have anxiety from not wanting to have a panic attack.

You don't want to to have a panic attack alone.

This is mostly due to not wanting to stop breathing, not being able to find help when that happens.

If that happens, it could kill you.

Yet, you don't fear death.

That doesn't change that you have constant fear.

So, what is it that you are truly fearing?

I really don't know then...

[Goomba]

It's my belief that reflecting on that is more important than any pill.

They can certainly help you feel better, and it's awesome you have found relief with them, but they will not cure that fear.

Over time the fear(s) will find new ways to manifest.

You will make it through your pregnancy. You are strong and beyond capable.

You often come on here, seeking reassurances. There is nothing wrong with that. However, doing so is a way to alleviate the fear, much like the medicine (in my opinion). While your symptoms become suppressed to a degree, if not fully, the fear still exists, and in time shows itself again.

I am fairly confident that this panic will always be a part of your life until you confront the fears.

Not that you need to be told these things...

But, I think as long as you come looking for ways to alleviate your anxiety, you will only be hiding the fears away in a deeper spot.

You deserve to live without agoraphobia and panic. It is something that you can definitely do, but the inner work needs to be done.

[BrookeLynnnn]

It's my belief that reflecting on that is more important than any pill.

They can certainly help you feel better, and it's awesome you have found relief with them, but they will not cure that fear.

Over time the fear(s) will find new ways to manifest.

You will make it through your pregnancy. You are strong and beyond capable.

You often come on here, seeking reassurances. There is nothing wrong with that. However, doing so is a way to alleviate the fear, much like the medicine (in my opinion). While your symptoms become suppressed to a degree, if not fully, the fear still exists, and in time shows itself again.

I am fairly confident that this panic will always be a part of your life until you confront the fears.

Not that you need to be told these things...

But, I think as long as you come looking for ways to alleviate your anxiety, you will only be hiding the fears away in a deeper spot.

You deserve to live without agoraphobia and panic. It is something that you can definitely do, but the inner work needs to be done.

I don't understand how to confront it. I have 3 months to figure this out on my own before I head for meds..

Would it be allowing myself to panic when it feel it come on? I don't know how. I'm too scared & I push it away

[Goomba]

I don't understand how to confront it. I have 3 months to figure this out on my own before I head for meds..

Would it be allowing myself to panic when it feel it come on? I don't know how. I'm too scared & I push it away

Meds are a stepping stone. I am not suggesting that you don't use them, I am suggesting that you don't use them as a replacement for doing the inner work. Meds can certainly be a part of your healing process, but they are not the ultimate destination. Don't put a time limit on it. I do believe you could make tremendous progress in three months, but if it takes longer, that is not a bad thing. You will find your pace.

There are many different ways to confront it. Allowing the panic to flow, and confronting that can certainly be one way. This allows you to see it for what it truly is - a phony. But, remember, the panic is a symptom, not the issue. Go one step further and focus on confronting what is causing the panic. I have a hunch that it is the fears that were discussed in the previous posts. Fears, thought processes, negative beliefs, etc...

Reflection is always a good first step. Lol you need to know what the enemy is before you can fight it. A huge part of this process is not just thinking about what the fears may be, but being willing to own that part of yourself when it arises. To be able to admit, through all of your defenses, that your vulnerabilities, whatever they may be, exist.

[Kuma]

I think Goomba makes some very good points, though I could also understand if you felt like the time to do this sort of difficult inner work is not when you are pregnant and very stressed and unable to take meds.

You may find that after the baby is born and you can get back on meds and feel more stabilized, that then you will be able to focus on the change that is necessary to overcome your anxiety. Of course, having a new baby is a ton of work too. But it is joy-filled (if sometimes exhausting) work.

In any event, for now I have one modest suggestion: remember to say thank you to your family members who are sharing the burden with you. It is amazing how powerful this sort of thing is. If you were to tell them that you understand that your anxiety and fear of being alone puts an extra burden on them, which they did not ask for, and you know that they also have their own lives, and that you are very grateful for their support and help and that once the baby is born you are committed to working hard to overcome your anxiety and that some day when you are able to do so you will repay them for their kindness and their support. Or something like that. It may seem like less of a burden if they know that you understand what they are doing for you and that you are appreciative,.

[jessed03]

This is an interesting thread, trying to get to the bottom of Brooke's fears/unconscious beliefs.

I remember once carrying a pen and paper with me everywhere and taking little notes about what I was afraid of in any given situation. I'd prompt myself too, by trying to aggravate my anxiety a little, in order to get to the juicy bits that don't give themselves up easily. Turns out, I had some pretty nasty beliefs and fears that were, not torturing me as such, but definitely hindering me.

A health condition in the past had led me to believe I was going to feel uncomfortable every time I left the house. That in turn led to a belief that I wasn't going to enjoy whatever I was doing and would be stuck for hours doing something I didn't like. That in turn led to the belief that people would find me detached and weird, and judge me behind my back.

So in the split second between me putting my coat on and closing the door behind me, I lived that story. And this happened again and again and again. And it was probably only a minor example of some of the dysfunction in my mind.

So this avenue is definitely one worth exploring. The answers may not always be strikingly obvious, but they're usually there. There's usually one or two BIG fears or beliefs that keep anxiety alive.

[Im-Suffering]

Don't think, feel.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Sing this (the circle of life) or play it every day in the quiet of your room - get to know your son. Bond with him as I mentioned months ago.

And as you drift and dream, imagining the wonderful life ahead, feel the love. This will see you through the next several weeks.

'My son, let me tell you about this magical place that you will soon arrive in. I am your mother, and I love you more than life itself, I will always be there for you...'

"From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga-ijQP0KxY

[jessed03]

Don't think, feel.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Sing this (the circle of life) or play it every day in the quiet of your room - get to know your son. Bond with him as I mentioned months ago.

And as you drift and dream, imagining the wonderful life ahead, feel the love. This will see you through the next several weeks.

'My son, let me tell you about this magical place that you will soon arrive in. I am your mother, and I love you more than life itself, I will always be there for you...'

"From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life"

Ah man, my mind is so freaking vulnerable to suggestion. I'm going to play this now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwSKkKrUzUk

"There's more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than could ever be done." That's my favourite bit.

[Im-Suffering]

Namaste...

Peace, and hope, faith and courage, love and joy - the heavens rejoice and the angels sing as the new life enters the world.

[gypsylee]

Ah man, my mind is so freaking vulnerable to suggestion.

Hmm. I'll get to you later!

[Dahila]

hheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you guys are crazy I mean Brits and Australians

[gypsylee]

hheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you guys are crazy I mean Brits and Australians

Yep we don't take ourselves as seriously as some other people ;)

[Dahila]

Brooke we just can not contained yourself , please forgive us crazy Pole , crazy Brit and Aussies.:))