Oh So Needy

[sae]

I would like to think I am fiercely self sufficient and emotionally independent these days. My days of feeling victimized by life are long gone. While I feel secure in these I am way out of my element when it comes to emotional attachment.
With emotional attachment logic goes out the window. Maybe because my husband died so suddenly, maybe because he disappeared so often, I find myself terrified of being left behind. I begin to think when the bf leaves he has no intention of actually returning. I find myself replaying our parting moments each weekend trying to catch a clue that he is disappearing. I am not like this with anyone else I know, nor aside from my late husband have I ever been so afraid of being left behind. It's a pitiful, miserable feeling.
I am used to panicking over the normal things: having another heart attack, dying in my sleep, my kid's safety, people arriving unannounced... not so much this new fear of abandonment.
Is abandonment actually an anxiety?

[Im-Suffering]

Lets do a reading for you this morning (or anyone interested). We will begin 'officially' after the quote.

Before we do lets define a belief.

An acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

And a belief system :

A "belief system" is a set of mutually supportive beliefs. "individual' beliefs are 'bridged' in the system. So often if one crumbles it takes down all the associated beliefs across the board. Especially if it is a 'core' belief that 'frames' the whole structure.

Clinically speaking, a belief can be revised. Metaphysically speaking, thoughts are things, beliefs are energy, and so not only does one need to crumble (revise) his/her belief 'structure' but also release the associated energy and replace the original belief with one more beneficial. For example, as a child (lets go back to childhood) - if one is left at a mall alone, or gets lost, that event might have sufficient energy and emotion to shock the (belief) system into place, through trauma -say the child says "I am bad, or unlovable". in response. Now years later, she has forgotten that event, but the energy remains (what doctors term 'neuronal connections'), surfacing as 'miserable' feelings at the thought of abandonment. Since the connection with the event is lost, the now adult inherently believes she deserves to be left or lonely, and might not even recognize the belief "I am unlovable" as the motive force. If the memory is recalled, through recapitulation and digging into the belief itself (Why am i unlovable), the adult would see that the parents perhaps turned their backs for a moment and the child ran off, rather than your (child) interpretation that it was somehow your fault. This is an example of a false childhood belief that stays through adulthood and can literally wreak havoc on a life. Until the self-work is done, this belief (idea) is a fact of life, and so all experience externally will corroborate. And importantly, she would not know where her thoughts 'come from'. They would seem 'intrusive' with no likely reason.

This is the fount from which anxiety springs (and to an extent OCD or any associated 'issues') - intrusive thoughts without cause, fear without reason. .

Lets move on to the reading -


I would like to think I am fiercely self sufficient and emotionally independent these days. My days of feeling victimized by life are long gone. While I feel secure in these I am way out of my element when it comes to emotional attachment.
With emotional attachment logic goes out the window. Maybe because my husband died so suddenly, maybe because he disappeared so often, I find myself terrified of being left behind. I begin to think when the bf leaves he has no intention of actually returning. I find myself replaying our parting moments each weekend trying to catch a clue that he is disappearing. I am not like this with anyone else I know, nor aside from my late husband have I ever been so afraid of being left behind. It's a pitiful, miserable feeling.
I am used to panicking over the normal things: having another heart attack, dying in my sleep, my kid's safety, people arriving unannounced... not so much this new fear of abandonment.
Is abandonment actually an anxiety?

Do you love yourself sae? And I mean absolutely head over heals infatuated and fallen madly, completely in love with who you are?

The abandonment feelings are older than you remember, and so the experiences with your husband, before he passed on, reinforced or confirmed beliefs which were from early childhood. That is when you shut down. You indeed had heart troubles, in spiritual terms first, that eventually reached out into physical life. Your life-theme, the tone that sets the stage, the props in your play - are built from the ground up from this lonely place. The 'pitiful miserable' feelings, are the natural expression the mental environment takes, in this (psychological) space. The 'psychic' atmosphere that your beliefs create.

"Life-theme's" are reoccurring conditions that corroborate with the theme, to 'make it real' and serve as the framework of reality. So all that you experience would be framed in 'loss'. Or 'potential' loss. You understand? These thoughts come from the belief.

The childhood or even (going further back) inherent (pre-natal as 'blueprints' for the forthcoming life) beliefs are for you to discover (carried forth as life-challenges). And once you replay the memories, or endeavor to reach and release them from your emotions, you will instantly feel differently. These energies are trapped, and account for much of the physical heart troubles, and fears. You simply lost your will, and now you must regain your heart, you see, spiritually, and heal. A psychic transplant.

And the way toward this is through love. Love opens, love gives, love heals, love sets free, love shines a light on, love excites, love energizes, love cooperates, love grows, love empowers, love brings closer, love enriches, love fulfills, love uncovers every false belief you've ever had about who you are, love is all there is.

Love will heal your (physical) heart.

'Fiercely self sufficient and emotionally independent" is what you tell yourself to overpower your beliefs, that self suggestion is used as trickery to fool self into thinking self is in a good place. Now, if it really worked, you would have no fears. Because fear and love cannot occupy the same space. The pain and hurts are still there, from the false beliefs, that generate automatically the thoughts and emotions. So if you don't feel good, you must turn inward, and face yourself, rather than blanket over like a band - aid with illusive suggestions that everything is ok. When everything is ok, you will no longer have to tell yourself it is. You would simply... be ... ok. And have no negative thought patterns. Abandonment would be a faded memory, and you will have conquered self, so to speak, the soul (sole) purpose of this sojourn.

As a side note. the BF is just a mirror. You are projecting the inner self upon him, and like a good mirror, he will reflect back your beliefs. You are meant to then examine them, and change or work on them as need be. The mirror in that context is good, even if it shows an 'ugly' side. You do not turn from it. Because if you do, like a vice grip the problems generated by the belief systems will squeeze ever tighter forcing you to go within when all outer attempts have failed and there is nothing left. This drama is not needed for learning. The lessons can be learned 'the easy way', and I am showing you that way. I have lit it up with my torch, what will you do?

Do you understand?

Do not be afraid of your emotions, or to look at them. Or what will come out of your closet should you go in search of self. The physical health issues were the result of suppression, you see, not the release of energies but the lack of their expression. You will notice with each memory looked at, each false belief released, replaced, healed, the self will become lighter and lighter, the physical self more vibrant and alive, or 'healthier'.


Lets use another one of your posts as an example to summarize : (from another thread)

"I like to give negativity a taste of its own medicine. My negativity says: "Yeah, it's good now, but it won't last." Nothing is truly permanent, everything is always in constant flux. You can sit in one place all day and do nothing and the sun will still rise and set, the clouds above will form, rain, and make way to the heavens again. The good times are never going to be eternal, but neither are the bad.
There's always a silver lining somewhere even if it's just that you woke up to face another day. You aren't promised tomorrow so each day you wake is just another blessing that is all your own. If it doesn't feel like so much of a blessing, be patient, tomorrow is another day"

Can you find the belief in there (I wont give it away)? Now, remembering what we have discussed today, it does no good to say one thing, and believe another. The (unconscious) or semi-conscious but often denied - belief wins. And so, tomorrow yes the sun will rise, but not necessarily on a 'better day' if the belief has not changed. Or if the belief is not in the 'process' of change through recognition first, and a decision second, to clear it. And release the energy attached to it.

This has been a very good post as far as the information that came through.

[sae]

Good stuff PC.

I am still learning how to be truly "madly" in love with myself. I like me, don't get me wrong, but the expectations I place on myself compared to those around me is inordinately high.
I had a pretty idyllic childhood, two parents in a solid marriage. I was not given anything in the way of emotional coping skills, however. Emotions were just not part of the equation. We knew we were loved even though the first time I ever heard my mother actually say it was right after I almost died.
Love is a difficult thing for me to exhibit sometimes. I approach it with the steely cold of logic and it is much like showing up to a gunfight with a banana.
I think what you have said holds much truth. I take permanence as fleeting in part because there is always that chance my heart will take me out. I think after reading this I have come to realize two things:
Perhaps I am afraid of abandonment because ultimately my husband abandoned me, he chose the drugs over his family, me and most of all himself. When I think about my bf sometimes I can't help but wonder if I will wind up doing the same to him, leaving him to pick up the pieces after I am gone. Sometimes it feels selfish to enter into a relationship.
There is no denying you are very right about love healing the physical condition. I am in the best health I have been in since all this heart stuff began. My tests and imaging may not show much improvement yet, but it's not worsening. .. and I feel alive, no longer in that haze of grieving half dead widow.
Maybe it's time to invest in a little emotional permanence, finally.

[Im-Suffering]

I am hoping many people will benefit from this thread.




I was not given anything in the way of emotional coping skills, however. Emotions were just not part of the equation.

We knew we were loved



"Knowing" and "experiencing" are indeed worlds apart. (to a child specifically).

And I say the following with strong intent (with love and honor for your journey), because I want you to come out of denial (there can be no fear in clarity):

Emotional detachment is a form of abandonment (abuse), you understand. And so the conditions were present in early childhood for what was to set the stage later on. I am saying your (husband) triggered feelings in you that were already present, not the other way around.

By the time of your first birthday ideally you would have been told (through speech and physical touch) "I love you over 1000 times" 2-3 times a day.

If that does not happen (in the early years)- and often he/she is denied any emotional connectivity - the child will shut down to a large extent - then it is to be expected the following belief from the now adult :

"Love is a difficult thing for me to exhibit sometimes. I approach it with the steely cold of logic" -

You must understand, that is not one of love's many expressions. Icy-cold logic, represses feminine energy - as Jung relates it to 'animus' he was correct in that an out of balance female would result - As an adult now, repression would lead to indifference, and more suppression of the basic instincts (leading to health problems, mental and physical). Love is extremely important for the infant through late teens - as all the systems develop.

What I have said here is for edification, there is no other intent - The light is always healing.