raggamuffin
03-27-2015, 06:32 AM
So here I am with my 1000th post and i figured I might update you all on what's happened during my time here and how i'm getting along with life and my various issues. This'll be quite a long post...
I joined this forum 3 years ago and used to frequent another forum or several years before this. I started searching online for answers when my stress was provoking panic attacks and phsycial symptoms on a daily basis. The first panic attack struck me around 6 years ago back when I used to smoke weed on a daily basis.
I used to think I'd had anxiety and depression for 10 years, but, thanks to my friend Marc I've managed to delve further and see that there were core beliefs that invoked stress and anxiety dating back a lot further into my childhood.
Perhaps not so uncommon with anxious and depressive persona's I tried to hide from negative thoughts and feelings through substance abuse. I experimented with different drugs for a year or 2. The only one that stuck was cannabis and I smoked this daily for a long time. This lifestyle ceased being guilt free after a few years and i realized this drug was taking from me and not providing. It was during this period however that I rekindled my passion for art which had faded after I finished school and was told by my parents and instructed by teachers not to pursue in college or university.
Another means of hiding from my issues inside was socializing and dating. I started dating when I was 17 and seemingly tried to date people one after the other for many years to come. I felt hollow and unstable when I was single. But when I was dating my anxiety and depression seemed a lot more intense. There was always fears of abandonment and loss. My first girlfriend cheated on me with several people and this set about a long period of not trusting other people or my own judgement.
After many years of this I took time out from dating for self introspection. I saw a pattern in those I dated and realized it was better to be single and work on myself. Years later I had my first panic attack. I wasn't sure what it was, I remember the feeling in my chest, the visual disturbances and the feeling of impending doom as my heart raced. I was in my bedroom with a friend smoking a joint. I had to fling open the window and leaned outside to regain my breath.
From then on I started noticing a sensation in my chest in certain situations, especially in my room when I had friends over and everyone was smoking weed. I often asked people to leave, seemingly out of the blue to them, but I knew inside it was because of the severe discomfort I was feeling. Each night I struggled to sleep, fearing a heart attack. I knew weed was bad and had tried multiple times to quit, but it wouldn't ever stick. Each time I tried I managed longer and longer without it.
Things finally came to a head when I had my second panic attack. Again I was in my room, with a friend. Unlike last time however the panic attack didn't last less than a minute, it lasted over an hour. I was convinced i was going to die and asked my friend to leave and told my parents about my symptoms. They rang an out of hours GP who offered to visit me, but I refused. he described the issues I was having as being a panic attack, but i didn't realize stress and fear could cause physical pain.
I vowed to quit smoking that very day and flushed the weed and threw away all my smoking paraphernalia. When I woke up the next day I still felt on edge and still had the chest tightness. So I Googled the symptoms and pretty soon I was stuck reading about all manner of terrifying health issues. Thus began my daily symptoms occurring. From chest tightness to arm and shoulder pains, jaw pains to headaches, leg pains to stomach aches. Some lasted hours, others days, weeks, even months.
A week later I asked my mum to take me to the hospital as the chest pains weren't going away and i was scared. I didn't notice the fear after asking her to take me there was causing even more intense pain. I simply couldn't see the correlation. The pains and panic ggot worse on the way to the hospital. When I got to the entrance I had a panic attack and nearly collapsed. Someone in the queue noticed and a doctor rushed over to me, put me in a wheelchair and took me to an emergency ward. I had an ECG, blood and urine tests and all manner of questions asked. After a few hours with the all clear a doctor told me it was "probably anxiety" and that I should look into therapy and or medication. We drove home shortly after and the word "probably" rung in my ears. my parents told me it was good I had the all clear, my response was "but my chest still hurts".
I tried to take a pragmatic approach, convinced there was something physically wrong with me. A few weeks later I visited a chiropractor. i spent several months doing weekly sessions without seeing much improvement to the aches and pains. I left after several months, several hundred pounds worse off and still feeling no better. I was still addicted to Googling every new symptom and visiting my GP's and hospital when things got bad and when I couldn't take it anymore. Every test came back fine, every Doctor told me it was anxiety. But I couldn't accept it, not once, there had to be something wrong with me I thought.
I took to forums and described my fear and worries and was told by forum members it was anxiety, but I just couldn't believe it was. I thought the tests had missed something. 6 months after my second panic attack I started smoking weed again. I figured things couldn't get any worse and slipped back into a bad habit for another year and a half before finally quitting completely. The first smoke I had caused a panic attack and things didn't improve from that first time. I was hoping to return to that detached bubble I used to find myself in when i was a stoner. Instead anxiety had me trapped inside another bubble. I couldn't see the irrational fears and worries were so far detached from the real world. I didn't understand that if I addressed the stress and fears I could start to feel better.
A year or 2 later someone on this forum who I spoke to regularly recommended a local therapist. he lived near me and actually dated someone from the same village as me. He told me how to go about getting seen by a therapist. I only then realized that at my job (which I had worked at for 6 years by this point) had free private healthcare. I started the ball rolling and had a psychiatric assessment with a consultant psychologist. He spent an hour with me asking all manner of questions and told me that I had multiple anxiety disorders and depression. He booked me in with the therapist my friend from here had seen.
To be continued....
I joined this forum 3 years ago and used to frequent another forum or several years before this. I started searching online for answers when my stress was provoking panic attacks and phsycial symptoms on a daily basis. The first panic attack struck me around 6 years ago back when I used to smoke weed on a daily basis.
I used to think I'd had anxiety and depression for 10 years, but, thanks to my friend Marc I've managed to delve further and see that there were core beliefs that invoked stress and anxiety dating back a lot further into my childhood.
Perhaps not so uncommon with anxious and depressive persona's I tried to hide from negative thoughts and feelings through substance abuse. I experimented with different drugs for a year or 2. The only one that stuck was cannabis and I smoked this daily for a long time. This lifestyle ceased being guilt free after a few years and i realized this drug was taking from me and not providing. It was during this period however that I rekindled my passion for art which had faded after I finished school and was told by my parents and instructed by teachers not to pursue in college or university.
Another means of hiding from my issues inside was socializing and dating. I started dating when I was 17 and seemingly tried to date people one after the other for many years to come. I felt hollow and unstable when I was single. But when I was dating my anxiety and depression seemed a lot more intense. There was always fears of abandonment and loss. My first girlfriend cheated on me with several people and this set about a long period of not trusting other people or my own judgement.
After many years of this I took time out from dating for self introspection. I saw a pattern in those I dated and realized it was better to be single and work on myself. Years later I had my first panic attack. I wasn't sure what it was, I remember the feeling in my chest, the visual disturbances and the feeling of impending doom as my heart raced. I was in my bedroom with a friend smoking a joint. I had to fling open the window and leaned outside to regain my breath.
From then on I started noticing a sensation in my chest in certain situations, especially in my room when I had friends over and everyone was smoking weed. I often asked people to leave, seemingly out of the blue to them, but I knew inside it was because of the severe discomfort I was feeling. Each night I struggled to sleep, fearing a heart attack. I knew weed was bad and had tried multiple times to quit, but it wouldn't ever stick. Each time I tried I managed longer and longer without it.
Things finally came to a head when I had my second panic attack. Again I was in my room, with a friend. Unlike last time however the panic attack didn't last less than a minute, it lasted over an hour. I was convinced i was going to die and asked my friend to leave and told my parents about my symptoms. They rang an out of hours GP who offered to visit me, but I refused. he described the issues I was having as being a panic attack, but i didn't realize stress and fear could cause physical pain.
I vowed to quit smoking that very day and flushed the weed and threw away all my smoking paraphernalia. When I woke up the next day I still felt on edge and still had the chest tightness. So I Googled the symptoms and pretty soon I was stuck reading about all manner of terrifying health issues. Thus began my daily symptoms occurring. From chest tightness to arm and shoulder pains, jaw pains to headaches, leg pains to stomach aches. Some lasted hours, others days, weeks, even months.
A week later I asked my mum to take me to the hospital as the chest pains weren't going away and i was scared. I didn't notice the fear after asking her to take me there was causing even more intense pain. I simply couldn't see the correlation. The pains and panic ggot worse on the way to the hospital. When I got to the entrance I had a panic attack and nearly collapsed. Someone in the queue noticed and a doctor rushed over to me, put me in a wheelchair and took me to an emergency ward. I had an ECG, blood and urine tests and all manner of questions asked. After a few hours with the all clear a doctor told me it was "probably anxiety" and that I should look into therapy and or medication. We drove home shortly after and the word "probably" rung in my ears. my parents told me it was good I had the all clear, my response was "but my chest still hurts".
I tried to take a pragmatic approach, convinced there was something physically wrong with me. A few weeks later I visited a chiropractor. i spent several months doing weekly sessions without seeing much improvement to the aches and pains. I left after several months, several hundred pounds worse off and still feeling no better. I was still addicted to Googling every new symptom and visiting my GP's and hospital when things got bad and when I couldn't take it anymore. Every test came back fine, every Doctor told me it was anxiety. But I couldn't accept it, not once, there had to be something wrong with me I thought.
I took to forums and described my fear and worries and was told by forum members it was anxiety, but I just couldn't believe it was. I thought the tests had missed something. 6 months after my second panic attack I started smoking weed again. I figured things couldn't get any worse and slipped back into a bad habit for another year and a half before finally quitting completely. The first smoke I had caused a panic attack and things didn't improve from that first time. I was hoping to return to that detached bubble I used to find myself in when i was a stoner. Instead anxiety had me trapped inside another bubble. I couldn't see the irrational fears and worries were so far detached from the real world. I didn't understand that if I addressed the stress and fears I could start to feel better.
A year or 2 later someone on this forum who I spoke to regularly recommended a local therapist. he lived near me and actually dated someone from the same village as me. He told me how to go about getting seen by a therapist. I only then realized that at my job (which I had worked at for 6 years by this point) had free private healthcare. I started the ball rolling and had a psychiatric assessment with a consultant psychologist. He spent an hour with me asking all manner of questions and told me that I had multiple anxiety disorders and depression. He booked me in with the therapist my friend from here had seen.
To be continued....