Suffocating.

[Kawaii]

So over the last two days I've taken a turn for the worst. I've become despondent to everything, having to force myself to eat or even watch a film. I have no feelings towards anything. No love, fear, sadness..nothing. I'm wide awake and I would love nothing more than to fall asleep for the next 8 hours at least. I've tried the relaxing music, hot baths, pampering and nothing works. I'm going to Paris with my boyfriend in about a month and I literally feel no excitement towards anything. I used to have very bad depression and I now assume I am having a relapse. I don't drink or do drugs and I have cut caffeine and sugar down to a minimum. Nothing seems to work for me. I could cry but I literally have no strength for it. I hate everything. When I go for walks I feel worse. I have to do everything alone and it all gets too much.
I wouldn't say I want to kill myself, I want to live but I have thought about it when it gets bad. I guess it's just desperation for it to stop more than anything else.
So tired of waiting for doctors and a diagnosis. I do not know what to do anymore.

[gypsylee]

So over the last two days I've taken a turn for the worst. I've become despondent to everything, having to force myself to eat or even watch a film. I have no feelings towards anything. No love, fear, sadness..nothing. I'm wide awake and I would love nothing more than to fall asleep for the next 8 hours at least. I've tried the relaxing music, hot baths, pampering and nothing works. I'm going to Paris with my boyfriend in about a month and I literally feel no excitement towards anything. I used to have very bad depression and I now assume I am having a relapse. I don't drink or do drugs and I have cut caffeine and sugar down to a minimum. Nothing seems to work for me. I could cry but I literally have no strength for it. I hate everything. When I go for walks I feel worse. I have to do everything alone and it all gets too much.
I wouldn't say I want to kill myself, I want to live but I have thought about it when it gets bad. I guess it's just desperation for it to stop more than anything else.
So tired of waiting for doctors and a diagnosis. I do not know what to do anymore.

Hi Kawaii :)

I don't have any words of wisdom for you right now, just wanted to let you know I read your post and I hear you. I've been there and this shit does change somehow.

Take it easy..
Gypsy x

[Kawaii]

Thanks, well that's okay. I've had good times and bad times and I know it can get better. I just feel like I live in a world full of blind and deaf people. No matter how much I tell those close to me what I need I never get it. I always try my best but I'm always left alone and feeling let down.

[Ponder]

The less I expect of others, the less disappointment I find. That is to say the more accepting of myself, the less I need and whilst it takes effort to make such a move, slowly relief gives way to pain. Without too much thought for more, I find myself content with which is way better than what most other's try to sell.

For now, walking helps me with that.

Hang in there ... many of us know somthing of what you feel. Thanks for sharing.

[gypsylee]

Thanks, well that's okay. I've had good times and bad times and I know it can get better. I just feel like I live in a world full of blind and deaf people. No matter how much I tell those close to me what I need I never get it. I always try my best but I'm always left alone and feeling let down.

I feel like I live in a world full of stupid people ;)

I know what you mean (and you Ponder) - I've had to become extremely self-sufficient emotionally..

[Kawaii]

Well I've pretty much been forced to be alone and deal with it alone. People can be very cruel and selfish when it comes to mental illness. If it isn't a problem to them then it isn't a problem at all. I've spent an awful amount of time crying alone and trying to fight it that I now have this morbid fear of being alone. I basically freeze in time and refuse to tolerate it. Doesn't help that I'm unbelievably stubborn!
I lost my father to cancer at 21 and was left alone in the house we both lived in. I soon realised that my friends were ignorant and unhelpful and all I was told was everything I had to do, housework, bills, growing up. It was like everything that could be piled on you, was.