Hi - New and Nervous

[soshy]

I've had SA since I was a child: I'm over 30yrs now. With the right tools (therapy, meds, & good people) and a heck of a lot of trying, I was able for once in my life to be stronger than my SA. I shook and trembled my way through college and finally worked in the field I went to school for. I couldn't believe how I was climbing the corporate latter, but SA still kept me from doing more with work. At this time in my life, I am unemployed not all because of SA. I was in a long-term relationship/engaged and I helped put him through medical residency and he left, and he took most everything which financially ruined me. Poverty and SA is a black hole. As a late bloomer for everything in life, he was my first love and I loved him dearly. I did not realize that I was temporary for him, while I was always planning the future for us. I worked 70 plus hrs a week and enjoyed working because I could (being stronger than my SA). I made enough to pay all the bills and have a bit of the good life, knowing all my hard work would pay off once he could contribute to our finances. Oh my God, I was so wrong - so stupid, so stupid. I've ruined the life I worked so hard for - a life of more happiness than panic. All I ever wanted was to be free of SA and panic. Now, I'm so disgusted with myself - so depressed and scared again. I just cannot see starting over again. I'm back to old SA habits. I cannot believe I was able to overcome SA and then ruin my life. I went crazy then I went stupid.

[brickyard_red]

First of all let me say welcome. I'm so glad you found this forum. You will undoubtedly make friends here. I'm sooooo sorry to hear what has happened. I just can't believe that someone could be so heartless as that. That is lower then low. I must say that I shed a tear while reading your post. I feel awful. :(

Know that you overcame your SA once, you can do it again. But you have to heal your heart along the way. Know that we are here for you and will offer advice when asked if we can and we will always be willing to lend an ear. Hang in there my friend and know that you are not alone.

Cath :)

[shoe]

soshy, you have a lot to be proud of - you've done some great things despite your SA, and thats definitely nothing to shrug off. As Cath said, you will be able to do these things again.

If you had a good lawyer you might be able to get some money back that you contributed to his schooling as well as the things he took which you paid for, but I don't know enough about legal matters to say anything. Its just a shame to have someone leech stuff from you and not give anything back :(

Anyway, I'm sure you will get back on your feet again, and eventually I hope you find someone thats worthy of you!

[soshy]

Thank you Cath & Shoe for the welcome and the encouraging support. I am very much alone. I have one very good friend who also has anxiety but she's more agoraphobic, not SA at all. We met about ten years ago at a self-help group for panic attacks. It was so hard for me to go to group because of my SA, but everyone there had anxiety about something and that's what I told myself. I use to do a lot of affirmations even if I didn't believe them I would make a list and read them aloud. I can actually laugh now about things I went through because of SA. But, thank you for reminding me how far I have come. I've been reading through the forums and I feel like there are all of these clones of me.

Life does get better and you can overcome anxiety. I was the epitome of panic attacks and social phobia, and when I wasn't in a 10 alarm panic attack, I was anticipating the next one. I trembled all the time. I was so afraid of not looking "normal". I was so afraid of people looking or staring at me, and thinking "what's wrong with her"? I felt I had to be perfect. Perfect gestures, perfect facial response, if I could speak it had to be in a proper tone and it be the best verbal response.

Well! So, ya got your facial expression to worry about and everything else listed above and my lips would quiver (and I have large lips), my voice would crackle and I'm a soft talker; and let's not leave out the whole devastating EYE CONTACT!!! That is a lot to juggle. Oh my God it was terrible. Did I mention the pounding heart. I really thought people could hear and see my heart pounding. I could! My long curly hair was jumping up and down to the panicking beat.

No one really understood what I was going through. I looked for everything regarding shyness to social phobia and there would only be, maybe, one sentence, but that was years ago. Thank god there is at least a little more recognition regarding this debilitating disorder and that there is promise for recovery. I was lucky: I found a therapist who understood without me having to explain SA, and that's when I started to control my SA. I say control SA because it really does control our lives unless we learn how to push it aside.

I hope I can help someone, even just a little. When I read what all of you are going through, I feel your pain and I send out hugs and I wish I could take your panic away.

One of the first things I use to do was to tell myself "it's ok to be nervous," over and over again. "It's ok to shake." And the number one greatest hit - "it's ok to leave" - always give yourself an out and never feel bad about it if you take it, if you have to leave a situation then leave and do not punish yourself. Being scared is not a crime. The fear is real, the phobia is not as big as we think it is. I had no idea I had any type of social skills that would be suitable in this world and as I kept going to school and to work, a butterfly came out of it's cocoon without me trying. It happened without me knowing it or planning it - that is socializing and not being afraid and enjoying it.

I'm sorry - I went on and on. Wishing you all butterfly days.

[brickyard_red]

That was a wonderful post. You go right ahead and go on and on anytime you want to. I'll read every word. :)

Cath :)

[shoe]

soshy, I can sooo associate with most of what you wrote down. The perfect facial expresssions, voice, and thoughts that everyone could see my anxiety etc. ARgh, and when my body trembles its like its the end of the world (or at least the most embarassing thing in the world).

thanks for the helpful reminder that we should all try to assure ourselves that its okay to be anxious or frightened or shaking etc. =) All too often I've been guilty of telling myself its NOT okay and then I wind up feeling so depressed because of it.