Harassed in online game, now I don't want to play. How do I regain confidence?

[Seraphim]

Before I even start.. yes, I'm aware this sounds lame. I know that something someone I don't know said online shouldn't affect me. But anxiety isn't exactly rational, and I hope someone here can understand/help.

So, I play World of Warcraft. There's a role in the game called a tank; for those of you who don't know the game, your job is basically to keep enemies from attacking your group in dungeons/raids, lead the group, react quickly if enemies do attack your group members, etc. Basically, you're seen as responsible if things go south and your group dies, so there's a good amount of pressure on you to be good at what you do. For a long time, I wanted to try out tanking (I usually heal, sometimes do damage) but I kept coming up with reasons not to -- I'm too tired to be that alert, I have other things to do, so on and so forth, because I had anxiety about it. I know that sounds ridiculous to some; "it's just a game" and all that, but as you all know, anxiety isn't logical or rational.

Anyways, I decided to make a new character and try out tanking. I went for a class that I already kind of knew, leveled up enough to get into dungeons, and then went into one. When I went in, I said to the group, "Sorry, just a sec, I need to reload.. my frames aren't showing up." It took me all of 45 seconds or so to reload. Apparently one of the DPS (people that do damage) decided I wasn't fast enough and started pulling all the mobs. I asked him to please stop, made sure the healer was ok with me going faster, and... he continued to do it. He also would taunt (forcing the enemy to attack him) immediately after I used my taunt, every time. I eventually said, "Okay, if you want to tank, then tank. I'm not fighting with you over mobs but I'm not doing anything."

After that, he started to insult me. I was fine with that at first; yeah, it kinda sucked, but I'm well aware that people can be jerks online and they likely wouldn't say anything to your face. Our group attempted to remove him (you need a vote in order to do so & majority must vote to kick), and we were met with the message, "This player cannot be kicked for another 8 minutes." What that means is that he has been kicked from groups so many times recently (this counts all characters on your account, so you can't be a jerk on one and not get punished for it on another) that the system is protecting him from being kicked again within a certain time period. You have to not get kicked for a certain amount of time for this to reset, or it just keeps getting longer.

When we tried to kick him, it just set him off even worse. Eventually he tried to kick me (twice), but the healer and DPS voted not to, saying that they wouldn't kick me when he was the one who refused to let me do my job. He just kept going with the insults, and it eventually came to, "Go faster like the whore that you are and I wouldn't have to tank," and that was after telling me that I was a bad tank, I sucked at it, and so on. This was completely uncalled for, especially when all I had said to him was either asking him to stop and let me tank, or telling him that it's a little hard for me to be great at tanking at that level because I have a whole 4 abilities, which includes only one taunt that can't be used more than once every 8 seconds, and seeing as how he would immediately taunt off me after I taunted I couldn't really do anything to keep threat. All I said in reply to his "whore" comment was, "No wonder you were recently kicked," and blocked him (which also guarantees I will never get into a group with him again), as well as reported him. From what the other people in my group told me, he kept going on with the insults even after I blocked him (I couldn't see what he said after blocking).

The problem is, now I have no confidence when I didn't have much to begin with. I don't want to be "that player" that's bad and makes it miserable for everyone in my group, and his comments just completely knocked me down. It's also that I don't want to be verbally attacked like that again when I haven't even done anything to that person. Even to me, the fact that I can't bring myself to try again sounds really lame. I know. That's why I'm asking here. Maybe someone else has had this type of experience.

What the hell do I do now? I really do want to try tanking again. I feel like I could be good at it since I'm already very aware/alert in group situations in-game because of being a healer, I know the mechanics of boss fights, blahblah. But I just can't seem to bring myself to queue up as a tank again. How do I regain confidence, and stop letting things like this affect me? It won't affect my real, day-to-day life, but it does affect me playing the game. WoW is my favorite game. I've been playing for 10 years, have met some really amazing people, and don't want to stop playing because of some jerk.

[Chauntecler]

Hey Seraph!

I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been an online gamer for a long time, many different MMO's and other genres. The game that is the worst on me is League of Legends, which has a notoriously harsh community.

I've lost my confidence quite a few times doing the roles I love to play. Sometimes people just want someone to blame for a failure, or they try to draw attention off themselves and put it on you. It sucks.

But don't give up on playing something just because you're not good at it, or someone is making it difficult for you. MMO's especially are a trial and error sort of deal. Finding a good group of people can be a rare thing, and you just have to suffer the bad groups for the learning experience.

The best thing you could do, is find a guild to join. At least with a guild, you can have a consistent group of people who are not going to ride you the entire time.

Hope this helps.

[Goomba]

Before I even start.. yes, I'm aware this sounds lame. I know that something someone I don't know said online shouldn't affect me. But anxiety isn't exactly rational, and I hope someone here can understand/help.

So, I play World of Warcraft. There's a role in the game called a tank; for those of you who don't know the game, your job is basically to keep enemies from attacking your group in dungeons/raids, lead the group, react quickly if enemies do attack your group members, etc. Basically, you're seen as responsible if things go south and your group dies, so there's a good amount of pressure on you to be good at what you do. For a long time, I wanted to try out tanking (I usually heal, sometimes do damage) but I kept coming up with reasons not to -- I'm too tired to be that alert, I have other things to do, so on and so forth, because I had anxiety about it. I know that sounds ridiculous to some; "it's just a game" and all that, but as you all know, anxiety isn't logical or rational.

Anyways, I decided to make a new character and try out tanking. I went for a class that I already kind of knew, leveled up enough to get into dungeons, and then went into one. When I went in, I said to the group, "Sorry, just a sec, I need to reload.. my frames aren't showing up." It took me all of 45 seconds or so to reload. Apparently one of the DPS (people that do damage) decided I wasn't fast enough and started pulling all the mobs. I asked him to please stop, made sure the healer was ok with me going faster, and... he continued to do it. He also would taunt (forcing the enemy to attack him) immediately after I used my taunt, every time. I eventually said, "Okay, if you want to tank, then tank. I'm not fighting with you over mobs but I'm not doing anything."

After that, he started to insult me. I was fine with that at first; yeah, it kinda sucked, but I'm well aware that people can be jerks online and they likely wouldn't say anything to your face. Our group attempted to remove him (you need a vote in order to do so & majority must vote to kick), and we were met with the message, "This player cannot be kicked for another 8 minutes." What that means is that he has been kicked from groups so many times recently (this counts all characters on your account, so you can't be a jerk on one and not get punished for it on another) that the system is protecting him from being kicked again within a certain time period. You have to not get kicked for a certain amount of time for this to reset, or it just keeps getting longer.

When we tried to kick him, it just set him off even worse. Eventually he tried to kick me (twice), but the healer and DPS voted not to, saying that they wouldn't kick me when he was the one who refused to let me do my job. He just kept going with the insults, and it eventually came to, "Go faster like the whore that you are and I wouldn't have to tank," and that was after telling me that I was a bad tank, I sucked at it, and so on. This was completely uncalled for, especially when all I had said to him was either asking him to stop and let me tank, or telling him that it's a little hard for me to be great at tanking at that level because I have a whole 4 abilities, which includes only one taunt that can't be used more than once every 8 seconds, and seeing as how he would immediately taunt off me after I taunted I couldn't really do anything to keep threat. All I said in reply to his "whore" comment was, "No wonder you were recently kicked," and blocked him (which also guarantees I will never get into a group with him again), as well as reported him. From what the other people in my group told me, he kept going on with the insults even after I blocked him (I couldn't see what he said after blocking).

The problem is, now I have no confidence when I didn't have much to begin with. I don't want to be "that player" that's bad and makes it miserable for everyone in my group, and his comments just completely knocked me down. It's also that I don't want to be verbally attacked like that again when I haven't even done anything to that person. Even to me, the fact that I can't bring myself to try again sounds really lame. I know. That's why I'm asking here. Maybe someone else has had this type of experience.

What the hell do I do now? I really do want to try tanking again. I feel like I could be good at it since I'm already very aware/alert in group situations in-game because of being a healer, I know the mechanics of boss fights, blahblah. But I just can't seem to bring myself to queue up as a tank again. How do I regain confidence, and stop letting things like this affect me? It won't affect my real, day-to-day life, but it does affect me playing the game. WoW is my favorite game. I've been playing for 10 years, have met some really amazing people, and don't want to stop playing because of some jerk.

Online gaming is home to some of the angriest and most inconsiderate people. The lack of face to face contact seems to easily bring out the worst in some.

I don't know man, I wouldn't take it personally. There is always that guy who can't wait more than 30 seconds for the tank to start pulling aggro before he starts trying to be the tank for you. And, that guy aggravates the whole team way more than the tank who is taking an extra minute. I would much rather you get your fps and stuff together before you begin, so you don't wipe unnecessarily.

You're taking what that guy said personally, because you have always had a fear of tanking, and WoW is really important to you. So, you're using him bashing you so hard as some sort of affirmation that you're not good enough.

If you have been playing WoW for 10 years, you know how these people work. They're everywhere. You could be the best tank in the world, flawlessly handling the new Draenor instance boss fights on your first try with no prior knowledge (imagine? lol). These type of people would then stand in some stupid AOE or something, and then flame you for it. There is no logic. It isnt your fault. They are projecting their own issues on to other people.

You don't have to be a perfect tank from the get-go, even as a veteran player. It is okay to mess up (even though you didn't here, and you had your instance mates backing you up for the most part). That is how you will get better, and learn to tank more efficiently. Its a whole new style of play, and not an easy one, but if you know the fights, you are already WAY better than a whole lot of tanks. Lol, we have all ran the instances where the tank has no idea what they're doing, and just consta-wipes.

League of Legends is my favorite online game right now, and HOLY *********************, people get mad in that. lol. So many ways to mess up. You could be carrying the whole team and make one mistake, and THAT guy will just go off for no reason. Its mindless, and they are bad players.

Just keep practicing, and don't take the flaming personal. They don't know you, and it ISNT personal. They are just trying to make you feel bad, don't let them. A lot of players are understanding, and will work with you to get the instance accomplished...they want that gear just as bad as you do lol. Don't give the negative players that spotlight, they don't deserve it.

[gypsylee]

I once lived with a guy who played WoW and I don't have a very high opinion of it. This guy was more interested in playing that game than spending time with me.. It was really offensive actually.

So maybe it's good you've been put off it? I'm serious! :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Seraphim]

I think what Goomba said above is exactly spot on, and it's kind of how I had felt about it afterwards. I didn't want to not try again because of some asshat, but when you've already got anxiety about doing something and someone goes off on you, it kind of... takes the wind out of your sails, haha. And yes, I've played LoL as well... I'm not sure how you guys do it :P I found it much easier to play with at least 2 friends, but oh god is their community awful. I'm not new to online gaming, between PC and XBL, and I've had people go off on me multiple times. It's even happened as a healer; most times, I just either agree with them sarcastically or don't even have instance chat open/ignore it totally, in the case of WoW. Having it be a random group and being a tank this time around, I figured it was better to have it open in case the healer asked me to stop for a second, slow down, etc.

I think what got to me about it was the fact that I didn't even have a chance from the start to show that I didn't actually suck at it. He began pulling while we were getting the quests and I was asking the healer if they were comfortable enough for me to chain pull, and refused from that point on to let me pull or take aggro back from him. He said I "wasn't going fast enough", because he kept using his Roll ability (he was a Monk) to get far ahead of me and taunting after I taunted something off him, so I had no way to pull it back quickly. It's easier to deal with that type of person at higher levels, where you have multiple ways to get aggro back... but I was level 17 with 1 taunt on an 8 sec CD and a whole 3 damage abilities (all on the GCD), haha. I don't want to wipe a whole group because I pulled too much/too fast; I don't know if the healer is new, hasn't healed before, whatever, and I've been the healer in that situation. It sucks when your tank refuses to slow down to let you get mana or pulls so much you don't have enough abilities to deal with it at such a low level, and then the healer gets blamed when the group wipes.

Thanks for the advice though :) I think I'll try it again. I've found that, most times, nicely asking a DPS to stop is enough to stop them from doing it when they're the people who are either new and don't understand what they're doing, or it was an accident. I don't even mention pulling aggro unless I see it happen repeatedly. The ones who do it regardless and start throwing insults.. there's nothing you can say to get them to stop doing it, and you're pretty much just SOL if you can't vote to kick them.

I'm sure if I join a guild, I'll find a lot of people leveling since BoA's don't need to be farmed now, and maybe that would be a better option than randoms. Or ask a friend to level with me either as a healer or as a DPS who can sort of off-tank if other DPS refuse to let me pull/decide to taunt off me every chance they get. Some people truly love to be jerks when it's completely anonymous and they know nothing can really be done about it.

[jessed03]

I once lived with a guy who played WoW and I don't have a very high opinion of it. This guy was more interested in playing that game than spending time with me.. It was really offensive actually.

So maybe it's good you've been put off it? I'm serious! :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

Why would any guy choose to play games rather than spend time with you? You look exactly like P!nk!

[Im-Suffering]

You can know which psychological persona (of any peer) shows up in a game, or in your real life. People wear many hats, for many different reasons. Its is no different day to day or in a 'game'. Either way, you face the mirror. The trick is to recognize that and not to knee jerk blame or victimization.




It won't affect my real, day-to-day life, but it does affect me playing the game.



Not only does 'it' effect your 'real day to day life', but the confidence, esteem issues created it to begin with (whether 'real' or in a 'game'). This real life 'game' has been going on for quite some time way before your online 'life' which is partly the result of your (shut down) feelings, causing seclusion and entry into a fantasy world that you thought would be more inviting (you could escape yourself), however it is but a mirror as you are seeing. your inner thoughts follow you regardless of the mask of anonymity. And so what you are really saying but afraid to face is -

"This video game reflects how I feel about myself inside (accept that responsibility), so how can I change that inner belief so my outer experiences wont be so volatile or less than pleasant".

"I blame (blank..any name), and I am a 'victim'", has been the reoccurring theme throughout your life, but since you feel its just a 'videogame' you don't make the connection.

Your post may as well have said "this bully at school is picking on me, or this coworker, or parent, or some random guy, and so I will run and hide never to show my face again", this many others can relate to.

If the OP is too far 'gone' then let this be a message for any reader that finds themselves in this same position.

It is not what your doing, its what your being while doing it. Often, 'being' is different than the 'words' in your head. Being is your vibration and represents 'truth'. Words are the lies you tell yourself as you attempt to cope. "But I was so nice and friendly, and I was met with this barrage of negativity". In that case the words did not match your vibration and you were simply met with its matching energies. "This I called unto myself, or attracted". Always for learning purposes.

[Goomba]

You've been playing for ten years and a huge part of that game is just pure knowledge.

You KNOW you don't suck. Don't let anyone challenge that part of yourself. Believe in your ability. You don't have to prove/justify it to anyone to believe it within.

And, if you're looking to explore the 'why' you have been affected by this experience to the degree you have, I would support I'm Suffering's post. It's not to be taken as this is 100 percent you all the time, but there is a lot of good content there that can be catered to you through your own reflection.

I'm looking forward to hearing my buddies tell me about the amazing new tank they ran heroics with, Seraphim of the.........alliance!

[gypsylee]

Why would any guy choose to play games rather than spend time with you? You look exactly like P!nk!

I know right?

[Matthew Booth]

I play FFXI and XIV...Tank can be a hard role in terms of pleasing people. Are their any other classes you like?

Also in every game there are going to be jerks! Enjoy yourself and if harassment becomes to much Block them :) !

[Im-Suffering]

This thread makes for an excellent example of what anxiety is. If you read between the lines. It is not at all about a 'game' but about personal struggles, coping, decision making, esteem, self worth, blame, guilt, problem solving, clarity, beliefs, and many more matters of the psyche.

Out of the woodwork we have all the players crawling out for just a few moments into the light until the allure of the fantasy draws them back. While they are out their problems weigh heavily, and cannot be faced by that scared ego, so away they go back in. Only to surface once more with a 'gameworld' problem they struggle with.

"I'm having a real problem within the fantasy, this I hadn't accounted for!"

Now, pay attention readers, you might learn something about yourself :

The OP has a problem. He worried, doubted, was indecisive, even fearful to a degree. Here of course he was involved in a videogame. He never and till this moment connected his game issues to real life. As that was to be part of his personal growth. Unfortunately that connection wasn't made, and thus he is deemed to repeat the experience.

Since it IS a 'game' he re-entered 'that' society, with conviction of mind to face the fear and act decisively. Thus facing to an extent the problem that caused so much restlessness, stress, uncertainty, and ultimately anxiety or even an 'attack'. The original problem itself however has its roots outside that world and in childhood. Thus because this root cause was not looked at, he will certainly be confronted again, and again. The fantasy world issue was just an offshoot of the inner belief, meant to address that belief to heal overall. When a man is ignorant, he will repeat his errors, over and over.

Now, he has resubmerged himself in that fantasy world, and so he is 'gone goodbye' from 'real life' once more...

Until the next problem that snaps him back.

So here is the reason for so much of anxiety in you, all of you -

Any illness is the inability to solve mental problems in the correct manner.

For those with 'ears'. The mind and its quandary is stuck or fixated on the problem and not the solution and thus you have the sleepless nights, the tension, the panic, the 'attacks', the thought trains, the irritability, the heart pounding off and on, and every other symptom including derealization as one seeks to escape the stressful reality one has interned into due to that original issue or multiple issues.

A problem can become chronic, or acute, in clinical terms if the individual sees no way out (by focusing intentrly on the problem itself).

In the case of videogames, that world will present problems too, as this OP has seen. So we have an escape back and forth. Problems in real life and an escape into a fantasy, and problems in a fantasy which brings him out onto this board or the real world. Ever swinging back and forth, and of course the connection always eludes them

Which reality will become dominant? The hero and killer, or the scared child. Or a bit of both in each.

The hero and killer in the game is actually the split fragment of the personality in real life. The hero is meant to save and protect the helpless victim, the child within (the real world), but as we see, when the hero fails, he is drawn out into a harsh reality he cannot cope with. So a third persona is needed to watch over both of them.

Have fun!

[PanicCured]

HAHA I totally understand this. I also have played World of Warcraft and noticed many gamers are total dicks! Even in real life games such as D&D. Many people use anonymity to be dicks and also remember, many gamers are young jerks. Don't let it bug you. just carry on and enjoy yourself. Laugh at people who play games and harass people. How stupid is that?