My Repressed Emotions - Removing The Mask.

[Surfside]

I would like To formally introduce myself properly this time since my old threads are actually irrelevant now.
I am a middle aged Asexual male seeking support/advice/opinions from other members of the community. I also try to help others when/where I can; and when able to do such. I've been abstinent from sex for around 17 years, and its not something that I (feel) I'm struggling with at all. I've returned to your forum because I am at a loss as how to go forward within my own life now, because I've become lost and without direction.

For now, please refer to the thread "What-s-Your-Worst-Anxiety-Nightmare" until the mods are able to move the supportive postings into this thread. The support started here - http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?30077-What-s-Your-Worst-Anxiety-Nightmare&p=204033&viewfull=1#post204033

I (truly) feel having this new support thread of my own will help me to come to terms with some of the issues I've been dealing with, and might help me to put my thoughts into words in this thread, and allow me express myself as best as possible to improve my overall well-being, and in due time when I've proved myself to be a valuable member of your community, I would greatly appreciate this thread to be a sticky.

My hopes would be any further support will now stay in this thread so as that thread "What-s-Your-Worst-Anxiety-Nightmare" will be decided to our nightmares (that I also do have and enjoy sharing)

For now, I'm going to simply paste last Friday's posting to this thread from another thread ("ask me anything")

I have an appointment tomorrow with a new doctor; I've gone basically untreated for year now. I suppose I've been trying to "cope" by using natural supplements, and relying on faith. Faith in a higher power (solely to get me through this) I suppose would be the only way to describe it without getting too specific.

I'm wondering how to approach with this new doctor that I basically have ABSOLUTELY nobody in my real life (no friends or a caring family). This was a huge problem when I went into therapy years ago, because, they were hesitant to release me due to the fact that my only "life" is on the internet, and that was quite frowned upon. Even my online connections have dwindled to almost nothing now, and I refuse to beg strangers for friendship.

I'd bet you been asked this question several times, and in various ways by others, but I couldn't find it by searching quickly.

I'm a bit apprehensive to even tell him anything at all about my total isolation from society, and fear if committed/admitted into a hospital setting, I will have be in serious danger of being held for as long as my insurance will allow (of course), and set right back into the same situation I'm "currently" in as I write this.
-Update-

I got back from the appointment with the new doc and it pretty much was no help at all, so I'll look around for another doctor I suppose. He was more interested in looking at his watch that anything I had to say, so I didn't say much or even bother. It never came down to being admitted anyway, because I really didn't say all that much about some of my "true" feelings.

As expected I mentioned Zoloft and he said there are better and more effective ones out there now (of course), but I actually do have another appointment for next Friday and hopefully it was just an awkward 1st visit.

Its just a shame to feel like you are back at "square 1" all over again, and makes one get discouraged easily.

Must not give up.

Enjoy your weekend all :)

-Surfside

[gypsylee]

Hi Surfside :)

Can I just say - there needs to be more asexual men around lololol.

Well okay, maybe they could be sexual once in a while but geez it'd be a nice change from sex addicted men!

Bye for now :)
Gypsy x

[Surfside]

Hi Surfside :)

Can I just say - there needs to be more asexual men around lololol.

Well okay, maybe they could be sexual once in a while but geez it'd be a nice change from sex addicted men!

Bye for now :)
Gypsy xThanks Gypsy :)

Haa-Haa...I quite enjoyed your candor :D

I appreciate your support and I will be updating this thread as things occur within my own life.

If the mods are unable to get around to moving the postings from that other thread, I will do my best to move them (the ones I still require assistance from selectively) into this thread myself, so as to give people a better idea of some of my issues and better see where I'm coming from (and what I'm dealing with), and others may be better able to offer the correct support/advice/imput. These postings are near-and-dear to my heart, and WAY to important to just get buried.

Putting the sexuality aside for the moment (and again - never say never), this was a tough weekend overall and one that I spent sleeping for the most part. It started out pretty good because I made a HUGE step forward by temporarily removing the mask for a member here YAY!!!. Sadly the mask was put back on promptly. I do have serious trust issues, but I get the "gut feeling" I could trust this member and he had/has my best interest in mind from the start. Since I've lost myself years ago, this mask has simply become "me" and, I'm still hiding my true self to others. I don't feel any shame (I don't feel) but I've learned from being burned countless times by other people, that one never reveals their true self, and always walks around with this mask or façade. What is a true shame (in my opinion) is when you no longer recognize the person you see in the mirror and this mask becomes your only identity - especially when there is a whole lot more to me this mask that people see.

I was a bit shocked when looking over another thread of mine: http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?29791-Much-To-My-Surprise-!

I've said my older threads were irrelevant, but "much to my surprise", the information in that thread is not all that different, and that was months ago (and last year). So, I see people are seeing something that (quite possible) even I'm not seeing in myself (yet)

---From 09-24-2014---

You are beginning to see the good in yourself. You've always been valuable, worthy, lovable, and a good friend, even if others told you otherwise or made you feel the opposite was true. You may be shameful or feel guilt about some past actions, but you were conditioned, so do not blame yourself. As you free the chains that bind you, a good, hope-filled world will open up before your very eyes.

Realize that some of the beliefs you held about who you are, and who you are in relation to the world were false, thus you can change your ideas as you experience love, friendship, and 'goodness'.

Take care friend.

Keep in mind my sig line "no limits, no filters". I prefer the blunt honest (unfiltered) truth from other members no matter how (dare I say) crude it may seem. I'm here for honesty no matter the topic, and I don't offend easily, so go ahead with what ever you are feeling should you want to post in my thread and don't hold back since the remaining part of my sig line is "no decorum, Just fun"

I'm hardly uptight; trust me and am always open to any and all input.

OK final edit and note to self today: I WANT TO LIVE (Again)!!!

[Surfside]

I wanted the truth. Which is behind the beliefs - The beliefs are what you present to me here, I want the real self.

The hopelessness leading to feelings of suicide are 'natural' as far as the train of thought, period. Its starts with some inner problem, which over time turns to worry, doubts, despondency and it twin cousin, depression. If left, say 'untreated' in your terms, that's when it could touch on those dark places. The self sees no other way out - with no help from within, because he is shut down to a degree, and even the therapists will be seen as an inconvenience because all positive affirmations, life-giving, closed off from the psyche.

You don't need to be locked up - you need to be set free. I do care. And you are worth it, you understand. You are loved, even if the ego cant see that -

Keep up with the therapist - do not allow self to bail out - please.-

Well, not too much to update at this point that would be all that much different than last weekend. I'm waiting for the appointment for Friday, and hopefully it will go better than the awkward 1st visit. In all honestly, I'm still a bit uncertain that I'm going to click with this guy. If things don't feel right on the next visit, I'll be looking for a new doctor. I hear sometimes it takes going through several doctors to find the right fit (same with meds).

I have been seriously considering shutting down (hopefully just a temporary feeling) and crazy gluing on the mask permanently and never allowing anybody to see the real me "real self". Its very hard to take off this mask when I've been wearing it for so many years now, and no longer recognize the man in the mirror without the mask. Besides, I have so many trust issues with people and have lived in total isolation for many years now, its going to take a miracle to find the courage to get back into society, but I don't feel its too late (yet).

I'm filled with false beliefs, and its pretty danged hard to determine what is a false belief or the truth anymore.

But I must not give up just yet. This was not the way I say my 40's would turn out like from my childhood nor what I thought I would ever become (a terrified / fearful / scarred / unhappy grown man), and I never thought I would be a "shut in". One things for sure, just existing as I'm doing untreated and wishing for a change is likely only going to dig me even further in this rut I'm (currently) in - this I'm pretty certain. For years I was in denial, but now there is no question that this Is not just simply going away on it own as I'd hoped; foolishly.

Sometimes, what I need is just distraction by playing games or helping others with basic information, or even just showing empathy, but, my real reason for being here is to improve myself overall and accept the help from others.

I do feel there is a reason I'm back at this forum again, and I find myself feeling less vulnerable online that in person, but it will still take time - nothing changes overnight.

I've decided to let this thread drop and will start a new one when I am in need of support.

Enjoy your day/evening, and many thanks for those that read and replied :)