30 year old male, anxiety over always being single.

[Barwil1984]

Hello, first I just want to say I hope this is in the right place, and secondly that I feel kind of bad for posting as I'm lucky and don't suffer with say social anxiety all the time like a friend of mine or have had a traumatic experience, etc. So please feel free to move / delete this if needed, I'm just feeling bad at the moment and need to vent / see if anyone is in the same boat, etc.

My story is that I am now a 30 year old male and apart from about 5 weeks when I was 16 I've never been in a relationship with a woman. This isn't down to me being a player who messes with woman, any wonderings about my sexuality or other accountable reasons. And it's really started to bother me.

I lack confidence. I lead a pretty normal teenage life but couldn't talk with girls much, so I never 'learn't' how to approach women, I've still never been able to just speak to a random one in a bar for example.

When I was 27 I had what I call my 'breakdown'. I had a job going nowhere and the continuous being single pushed me to boiling point. I was constantly anxious and making myself ill for at least 3 weeks (the period is kind of hazy now). But I decided I needed to move from my small town to London and start a new life.

I did this about 6 months later after getting a contract job. I moved to a big city, new big office job and living with housemates who were total strangers. People said I was brave to do so but to me it was something I just had to do to keep my sanity.

But looking back on it now my self-confidence level seems so high. Since then I am still in London but 2014 consisted of hunting for a new job, getting one but the position being made redundant 6 months later and since October I've been out of work, struggling to live, no money to see the friends I had made, etc.

Relationship wise I haven't had any long-term success but I did do online dating and in total must have met 10 or so women from it, which for me is a massive step forward. Most of all I wasn't extremely nervous or at panic before going to the dates, it just felt like a normal thing to do, I felt normal with woman!

Now though I have no confidence at all, I can't even imagine the me of 9 months ago when I went on first dates with 4 women in about 6 weeks, got a couple of 2nd dates from it, etc.

Basically my anxiety is back for the first time in about 2 1/2 years. I'm panicking about what is happening with my life, why I've never been able to attract a woman and if I ever will experience what a loving relationship feels like.

I am overweight, not massively but it's always been there. I am finally making a real attempt at losing it after lots of half-arsed ones, but if anything this just makes me feel worse with my current state at the moment.

I've spoke with some friends I feel close enough to to discuss it and they all say sensible things that in my head I know are true "You just need to be working again and seeing people daily", "You need to live your life for yourself first", "losing some weight will make you feel more confident." I know it's all true, yet it doesn't stop me waking up at 6am and panicking that I'm single and don't have any contact with women that might lead to more etc.

I'm sorry that the above is pretty long and I have no idea if it makes sense to someone outside my head, but when I get like this I just need to let it out and I think my friends are getting a bit sick of it! Thank you.

[RockerChick]

Hey, I am kind of in the same boat. It's so good to hear other people that are going through the same thing. I worry too.. I worry, worry, worry. One thing that helps me is finding something that I really love to do, something that takes my mind of it all. Its difficult but hang in there :)

[gypsylee]

Hello, first I just want to say I hope this is in the right place, and secondly that I feel kind of bad for posting as I'm lucky and don't suffer with say social anxiety all the time like a friend of mine or have had a traumatic experience, etc. So please feel free to move / delete this if needed, I'm just feeling bad at the moment and need to vent / see if anyone is in the same boat, etc.

My story is that I am now a 30 year old male and apart from about 5 weeks when I was 16 I've never been in a relationship with a woman. This isn't down to me being a player who messes with woman, any wonderings about my sexuality or other accountable reasons. And it's really started to bother me.

I lack confidence. I lead a pretty normal teenage life but couldn't talk with girls much, so I never 'learn't' how to approach women, I've still never been able to just speak to a random one in a bar for example.

When I was 27 I had what I call my 'breakdown'. I had a job going nowhere and the continuous being single pushed me to boiling point. I was constantly anxious and making myself ill for at least 3 weeks (the period is kind of hazy now). But I decided I needed to move from my small town to London and start a new life.

I did this about 6 months later after getting a contract job. I moved to a big city, new big office job and living with housemates who were total strangers. People said I was brave to do so but to me it was something I just had to do to keep my sanity.

But looking back on it now my self-confidence level seems so high. Since then I am still in London but 2014 consisted of hunting for a new job, getting one but the position being made redundant 6 months later and since October I've been out of work, struggling to live, no money to see the friends I had made, etc.

Relationship wise I haven't had any long-term success but I did do online dating and in total must have met 10 or so women from it, which for me is a massive step forward. Most of all I wasn't extremely nervous or at panic before going to the dates, it just felt like a normal thing to do, I felt normal with woman!

Now though I have no confidence at all, I can't even imagine the me of 9 months ago when I went on first dates with 4 women in about 6 weeks, got a couple of 2nd dates from it, etc.

Basically my anxiety is back for the first time in about 2 1/2 years. I'm panicking about what is happening with my life, why I've never been able to attract a woman and if I ever will experience what a loving relationship feels like.

I am overweight, not massively but it's always been there. I am finally making a real attempt at losing it after lots of half-arsed ones, but if anything this just makes me feel worse with my current state at the moment.

I've spoke with some friends I feel close enough to to discuss it and they all say sensible things that in my head I know are true "You just need to be working again and seeing people daily", "You need to live your life for yourself first", "losing some weight will make you feel more confident." I know it's all true, yet it doesn't stop me waking up at 6am and panicking that I'm single and don't have any contact with women that might lead to more etc.

I'm sorry that the above is pretty long and I have no idea if it makes sense to someone outside my head, but when I get like this I just need to let it out and I think my friends are getting a bit sick of it! Thank you.

Well you obviously did ok with the online dating, so you just need to get a bit of confidence back and try again. If you're all angsty about being single women will pick up on that, so it's a bit of a vicious circle.

I'm always curious as to what men want from relationships. Like honestly. Because from my experience they seem pretty hung up on one thing in particular! And no, it isn't just "the men I choose" :)

So I'm interested in why you are so anxious about being single. I guess you probably want kids? But what else? I'm not having a go at you - I'm genuinely curious.

Cheers :)
Gypsy x

[Kuma]

<<they all say sensible things that in my head I know are true "You just need to be working again and seeing people daily", "You need to live your life for yourself first", "losing some weight will make you feel more confident." I know it's all true...>>

These are the key points and, as you say, you know they are true. I think you just need to internalize these points. Work on the job first. That will give you some stability and maybe confidence too -- and will eliminate a major stress. Stay in good health. Then, when you get these things under control, get back in the dating game. As Gypsy said, you did OK with online dating, so you should be fine. But its not an emergency and there's nothing wrong with being single at 30 or 31. So take your time, get your life under control first, and then focus on meeting the right person. Quality is more important than speed. The biggest risk is not being single, but being in so much of a rush to meet someone that you end up with the wrong person.

And to Gypsy -- only SOME men are focused on "one thing" to the exclusion of others. Many of us also want a smart, interesting, intellectually curious, adventurous, compassionate, flexible, successful, confident woman. You just need to meet the right guys.

[NixonRulz]

Your anxiety is being triggered by your dwelling on women and the issues you are having. And if that is not the case, it is most definitely contributing to the way you are

So much so that since anxiety strips everything from

[gypsylee]

<<they all say sensible things that in my head I know are true "You just need to be working again and seeing people daily", "You need to live your life for yourself first", "losing some weight will make you feel more confident." I know it's all true...>>

These are the key points and, as you say, you know they are true. I think you just need to internalize these points. Work on the job first. That will give you some stability and maybe confidence too -- and will eliminate a major stress. Stay in good health. Then, when you get these things under control, get back in the dating game. As Gypsy said, you did OK with online dating, so you should be fine. But its not an emergency and there's nothing wrong with being single at 30 or 31. So take your time, get your life under control first, and then focus on meeting the right person. Quality is more important than speed. The biggest risk is not being single, but being in so much of a rush to meet someone that you end up with the wrong person.

And to Gypsy -- only SOME men are focused on "one thing" to the exclusion of others. Many of us also want a smart, interesting, intellectually curious, adventurous, compassionate, flexible, successful, confident woman. You just need to meet the right guys.

It just always seems to come down to that one thing. Like no matter how smart, interesting, adventurous etc you are, if they don't get enough of it they sulk. I'd like a guy who doesn't think it's a big deal! :)

[Barwil1984]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I have taken note of all of them and as mentioned they make sense and is how I feel when the anxiety doesn't have a grip on me.


I'm always curious as to what men want from relationships. Like honestly. Because from my experience they seem pretty hung up on one thing in particular! And no, it isn't just "the men I choose" :)

So I'm interested in why you are so anxious about being single. I guess you probably want kids? But what else? I'm not having a go at you - I'm genuinely curious.

Cheers :)
Gypsy x

No problem Gypsy I am happy to answer this as honestly as I can.

I can't say I honestly know why I am so anxious about being single otherwise I'd probably be able to take better steps towards fixing it, but I guess a large factor is that I'm 30 and haven't had one, I've never experienced what it's like. That is pretty rare; I certainly can't think of anyone I know whose at least not had something that lasted lets say 6 months or so. But saying that I don't want one just to fit in a be 'normal' (although it certainly does make me wonder what isn't normal about me), I want one to be happy. Why do I feel like a relationship is what I need to be happy when I'm going through a anxious period... I'm not sure.

One thing I can say for certain is no currently at least I do not want kids, It's not a factor in this at all, the longer without them the better at the moment! Maybe this changes if I am with a woman I love, but I think ideally for me it's still a good way off.

Kuma hits the nail on the head of a lot of qualities I would ideally like, my type would be the strong, smart, independent (by all this I mean I couldn't be with a 'bimbo' type who just does whatever I say) whose compassionate, funny, etc etc.

It's hard to put down what I want out of a relationship without sounding like some rom-com cliche, but... Someone who is my best friend, who gets and doesn't care about my faults, who can make me laugh and vice-a-versa. Someone adventurous and up for going out, I live in London now and this city offers so much to do for couples. Just amazing chemistry, someone you just click with and talking with for hours about nothing feels like moments. It may sound fashioned or sexist, but someone that brings out that instinct to protect her as you care so much. I want the closeness, the love (eventually), someone I can kiss and know she likes it and isn't going to flinch! I want to hold someones hand, wrap my arm around her, cuddle her. The idea of spooning the right woman sounds amazing to me.

OK... so I'd be the first to admit that sounds like some sentimental clap-trap and real relationships take work and don't come that simply, but I don't mean I expect it to be like any of the above 100% of the time, I mean I've almost never experienced any of the above and rightly or wrongly they are things I want in my life, even when I'm not in a anxious period I still go to bed alone and would prefer to be cuddling up with someone.

As for sex... sure I'm a 30 year old male whose had very little of it, I'm bound to be sexually frustrated. Yes, great, fun sex that is give and take and equally amazing for the both of us would be on the above list. But for me at least there is no way it's a overriding factor, and I would never enter a exclusive relationship with the attitude that I'm doing this for the sex. I think great sex is important to a great relationship, but it's not worth it without the other stuff I've listed above.

So I'm not sure if all that just makes me sound weirder or what, and it's only me, I can't speak for all men! But hope thats helped somehow.

[gypsylee]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I have taken note of all of them and as mentioned they make sense and is how I feel when the anxiety doesn't have a grip on me.

No problem Gypsy I am happy to answer this as honestly as I can.

I can't say I honestly know why I am so anxious about being single otherwise I'd probably be able to take better steps towards fixing it, but I guess a large factor is that I'm 30 and haven't had one, I've never experienced what it's like. That is pretty rare; I certainly can't think of anyone I know whose at least not had something that lasted lets say 6 months or so. But saying that I don't want one just to fit in a be 'normal' (although it certainly does make me wonder what isn't normal about me), I want one to be happy. Why do I feel like a relationship is what I need to be happy when I'm going through a anxious period... I'm not sure.

One thing I can say for certain is no currently at least I do not want kids, It's not a factor in this at all, the longer without them the better at the moment! Maybe this changes if I am with a woman I love, but I think ideally for me it's still a good way off.

Kuma hits the nail on the head of a lot of qualities I would ideally like, my type would be the strong, smart, independent (by all this I mean I couldn't be with a 'bimbo' type who just does whatever I say) whose compassionate, funny, etc etc.

It's hard to put down what I want out of a relationship without sounding like some rom-com cliche, but... Someone who is my best friend, who gets and doesn't care about my faults, who can make me laugh and vice-a-versa. Someone adventurous and up for going out, I live in London now and this city offers so much to do for couples. Just amazing chemistry, someone you just click with and talking with for hours about nothing feels like moments. It may sound fashioned or sexist, but someone that brings out that instinct to protect her as you care so much. I want the closeness, the love (eventually), someone I can kiss and know she likes it and isn't going to flinch! I want to hold someones hand, wrap my arm around her, cuddle her. The idea of spooning the right woman sounds amazing to me.

OK... so I'd be the first to admit that sounds like some sentimental clap-trap and real relationships take work and don't come that simply, but I don't mean I expect it to be like any of the above 100% of the time, I mean I've almost never experienced any of the above and rightly or wrongly they are things I want in my life, even when I'm not in a anxious period I still go to bed alone and would prefer to be cuddling up with someone.

As for sex... sure I'm a 30 year old male whose had very little of it, I'm bound to be sexually frustrated. Yes, great, fun sex that is give and take and equally amazing for the both of us would be on the above list. But for me at least there is no way it's a overriding factor, and I would never enter a exclusive relationship with the attitude that I'm doing this for the sex. I think great sex is important to a great relationship, but it's not worth it without the other stuff I've listed above.

So I'm not sure if all that just makes me sound weirder or what, and it's only me, I can't speak for all men! But hope thats helped somehow.

Nope you don't sound weird at all :)

I'm sure once you get some confidence back you can meet women and probably find one that wants a relationship with you.

[Kuma]

Barwil - you sound like you have your head screwed on perfectly well. I agree with Gypsee -- you don't sound even a little bit strange. To the contrary, you seem like the kind of mature and thoughtful guy who is very likely to meet a high quality woman and to have a good relationship.

Really I just think you need to get past the self-doubt regarding why you have not yet had long term relationships. I have known plenty of guys your age who have dated a few girls but never had any longer relationships. Many of them were just focused on other things -- building careers, or they moved to a new city, etc. You should really try not to put added pressure on yourself by engaging in self doubt. You are not weird or odd and there is not something wrong with you because you don't have a relationship currently. Get a job that you enjoy -- or at least that you think is OK and pays the bills, keep working out, and then focus on the rest of your life, including finding a woman that you like. Don't be over anxious about this. It will happen. You are not that old. One of my best friends was in your position and he met his wife when he was in his late 30s and she is a great girl and he is really happy that he waited. I am not saying you need to wait until late 30s. But I am saying that "it happens" for different people at different times in their life -- and there is no right or wrong time -- the most important is that when you do find someone, it is someone terrific.

[Im-Suffering]

Barwil - you sound like you have your head screwed on perfectly well. I agree with Gypsee -- you don't sound even a little bit strange. To the contrary, you seem like the kind of mature and thoughtful guy who is very likely to meet a high quality woman and to have a good relationship.

Really I just think you need to get past the self-doubt regarding why you have not yet had long term relationships. I have known plenty of guys your age who have dated a few girls but never had any longer relationships. Many of them were just focused on other things -- building careers, or they moved to a new city, etc. You should really try not to put added pressure on yourself by engaging in self doubt. You are not weird or odd and there is not something wrong with you because you don't have a relationship currently. Get a job that you enjoy -- or at least that you think is OK and pays the bills, keep working out, and then focus on the rest of your life, including finding a woman that you like. Don't be over anxious about this. It will happen. You are not that old. One of my best friends was in your position and he met his wife when he was in his late 30s and she is a great girl and he is really happy that he waited. I am not saying you need to wait until late 30s. But I am saying that "it happens" for different people at different times in their life -- and there is no right or wrong time -- the most important is that when you do find someone, it is someone terrific.

Love this post. Honest, loving, advice. Heartfelt. Fatherly - even.

This whole thread is in response to the deep emotional tone of the OP as he comes to grips with his beliefs toward relationships. And so it strikes a tone in the heart. You really 'route' for him, so to speak.

But he must understand that he creates his reality, all of it. And watch or at the very least begin to examine his beliefs. Relationships are only there to face and heal every false belief we have about ourselves. And so thus far the OP has not been ready to face the mirror - to brave the forthcoming challenges associated with personal growth in terms of inter-relations whatever the duration, the longer of course the more challenging.

A hard message indeed, but one where there is no permanent escape. Now, I don't wish to come off as 'heartless', but he must turn about at this point, and so I will edify him, here, briefly.

Once the psyche is ready, his counterpart, who I must say is in the wings waiting for him to 'get himself ready', will like magic, appear at 'any' time, and 'any' space.

So let that be the impetus or motive force to get the ball rolling. Rather than dramatize the mental experience only, (in the imagination as seen in his post) without ever taking the physical action needed to test his theories about love and companionship. The anxiety raised now, and the fears are of course symbolic of the physical steps he has been only thus far dreaming about and serve to expose the conflicts in finding a resolution. So in this case, the anxiety is 'healthy' with purpose. We will call this time 'pre-relationship' as he molds the self-image in both body (weight) and mind. However one must still be aware that this self image is based on beliefs as well, but whatever serves to enhance the image is beneficial for him, even if its just in truth, ritual.

One cannot waddle in the kiddy pool forever or just dipping his toes in the water, he must put on the life vest and take the plunge, knowing no matter what happens, he will be enriched by it.

In this case, fulfillment beyond his wildest dreams.

To the OP, more only in PM if you wish. (dare).

[ALoneAndEmpty]

lots of us has something to worry for. But just keep hanging there! for as i have so many problems that i can't solve right now. but, i do hope all will goes well for us.