miolein
02-06-2015, 02:02 PM
Hello everybody,
I'm new to the forum. :)
I've been diagnosed with GAD and depression around 5 years ago, but it was a much longer process of it manifesting itself.
In a nutshell, my anxiety is mostly related to abandonment and rejection. I have been in relationships, but it's always an emotional rollercoaster for me. Especially the first months are terrible... And even when I want to end the relationships (usually they were not very good) I struggle letting go. I'm friends with most of my exes, one in particular has become my best friend, and we speak almost every day on the phone. We live quite far apart now, so seeing each other is not an option. Besides, we are better friends than partners.
Since we broke up 3 years have passed. I have made an effort turning down everyone that was interested in getting to know me. I sometimes went on dates, but i knew before that they were not right for me. Part of me wants to be in a relationship, the other part is terrified of the pain and anxiety i feel when getting emotionally attached to someone, or even meeting someone I like and then being afraid of rejection.
Of course, there is the part of me that tries to reason, but I can't help the thoughts... they creep into my mind and tell me all sorts of nasty things... my anxiety is quite closely tied to depression, and these thoughts make me literally go crazy.
I don't really know how to even practice this type of anxiety, it's nothing I can't control, and i'm not afraid of anything else. But my upbringing wasn't particularly good, and I suffered from severe emotional neglect and abandonment from my parents.
I've lasted 3 years now, keeping the pain at bay, not getting too crazy and emotional, but now it's starting again. I've met a nice guy, and for once I think we would be a good match. It's quite rare for me to feel this way about someone. But now I think all the things he may not like about me, he's is probably gonna run away when I say something silly. I also have a compulsion to be a bit obnoxious when i'm nervous and drunk... part of me seeks this rejection and tries to sabotage everything I do.
When I met my last boyfriend I told him on the second date that I had just come out of mntal hospital for depression and that I'm on meds... he didn't care, but in the end he said he imagined it to be easier. He had no clue. But I think I won't tell the other guy that he's about to meet Miss Crazy-pants.
Now I just feel like I'm broken and I can't be fixed. I don't even feel like I want to see him again, I think he is going to reject me anyways, and I don't want the pain.
Unfortunately, all these bad thoughts are clouding my judgement now...I don't know what is right or wrong anymore...
I'm new to the forum. :)
I've been diagnosed with GAD and depression around 5 years ago, but it was a much longer process of it manifesting itself.
In a nutshell, my anxiety is mostly related to abandonment and rejection. I have been in relationships, but it's always an emotional rollercoaster for me. Especially the first months are terrible... And even when I want to end the relationships (usually they were not very good) I struggle letting go. I'm friends with most of my exes, one in particular has become my best friend, and we speak almost every day on the phone. We live quite far apart now, so seeing each other is not an option. Besides, we are better friends than partners.
Since we broke up 3 years have passed. I have made an effort turning down everyone that was interested in getting to know me. I sometimes went on dates, but i knew before that they were not right for me. Part of me wants to be in a relationship, the other part is terrified of the pain and anxiety i feel when getting emotionally attached to someone, or even meeting someone I like and then being afraid of rejection.
Of course, there is the part of me that tries to reason, but I can't help the thoughts... they creep into my mind and tell me all sorts of nasty things... my anxiety is quite closely tied to depression, and these thoughts make me literally go crazy.
I don't really know how to even practice this type of anxiety, it's nothing I can't control, and i'm not afraid of anything else. But my upbringing wasn't particularly good, and I suffered from severe emotional neglect and abandonment from my parents.
I've lasted 3 years now, keeping the pain at bay, not getting too crazy and emotional, but now it's starting again. I've met a nice guy, and for once I think we would be a good match. It's quite rare for me to feel this way about someone. But now I think all the things he may not like about me, he's is probably gonna run away when I say something silly. I also have a compulsion to be a bit obnoxious when i'm nervous and drunk... part of me seeks this rejection and tries to sabotage everything I do.
When I met my last boyfriend I told him on the second date that I had just come out of mntal hospital for depression and that I'm on meds... he didn't care, but in the end he said he imagined it to be easier. He had no clue. But I think I won't tell the other guy that he's about to meet Miss Crazy-pants.
Now I just feel like I'm broken and I can't be fixed. I don't even feel like I want to see him again, I think he is going to reject me anyways, and I don't want the pain.
Unfortunately, all these bad thoughts are clouding my judgement now...I don't know what is right or wrong anymore...