Venting..

[BrookeLynnnn]

Let me just say being pregnant with anxiety is HARD.. I'm 4 months & it's been a struggle & I still have a long road ahead of me. Not being able to calm myself with meds is torture.

I was diagnosed with GAD & agoraphobia last February. I was able to live life again with Paxil & xanax.. But once I became pregnant, everything had to stop.

I'm dying on the inside. Living my everyday life is hell for me. I try so hard to focus on the baby & tell myself that all of this suffering is for him.. But nothing helps.

Ugh..

[alex42]

Sorry to hear this. It must be rough not being able to take the meds. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, might be a good time to.
Stay strong and know that anxiety / panic attacks cannot hurt you. They only feel like they can. They cannot hurt you.
Alex

[BrookeLynnnn]

Sorry to hear this. It must be rough not being able to take the meds. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, might be a good time to.
Stay strong and know that anxiety / panic attacks cannot hurt you. They only feel like they can. They cannot hurt you.
Alex

Thank you. I actually called about a mom support group type thing today. Just waiting to hear back. I wanna do therapy too. I go to school fulltime & work.. I hardly ever have time to go though, which also causes me anxiety.

& I tell myself the panic cannot hurt me but once it comes on, that goes out the window! Lol

[alex42]

Lol... Yeah... I know that "out the window" thing... It helps more, for me anyway, to treat it as a "mantra" of sorts... Just repeating it. And know that the "panic" will end. It has to.
The truth though... Is that you will eventually have to dig deep and find out what is causing the anxiety. What are your triggers. The anxiety is a symptom of something else... Be it a thought, a physical feeling, etc...
Definitely try to find time for some therapy... It's helped me. I'm 42 now. I started having panic attacks at 17. Been a long time on and off throughout my life with this crap.

[BrookeLynnnn]

You're right, I need to figure out what is causing this. It's time to go back to therapy.

I just wish I cure this overnight. My pregnancy has been anything but easy & now this just tops it off..

[raggamuffin]

I think the focus should be you for now until the baby is born. you stopped medication, you have several more months until you give birth. by all means, get ready for the baby's arrival - but tackle your own issues in the mean time. Prgnancy plays havoc with hormones in the body and this'll no doubt be causing anxiety to spike.

You're saying life is feeling like hell. What specific worries are going through your mind? Try and pin down your worries. Write them down in a list. No matter how big or small or trivial the worry seems - get it down. Next look through the list and pick 3 of the main worries - those that provoke the most intense emotions in mind. Next try and re-arrange the worry into a question. A how to or how do I question. The brain is wonderful at problem solving and if you can try and change this worry you have into a question your brain will start to unravel the problem instead of constantly adding more layers to the worry with constant anxious thinking.

If you can try and trace the root cause of these issues, see what was left unanswered in the past, look to see what those emotions conjured when these events occurred. When you find something that stand out you need to address and purge these negative emotions and replace them with different emotions that no longer negatively impact on you or cause you to feel anxious or depressed in the here and now.

A few things to try there, maybe it'll help.

Ed

[BrookeLynnnn]

I think the focus should be you for now until the baby is born. you stopped medication, you have several more months until you give birth. by all means, get ready for the baby's arrival - but tackle your own issues in the mean time. Prgnancy plays havoc with hormones in the body and this'll no doubt be causing anxiety to spike.

You're saying life is feeling like hell. What specific worries are going through your mind? Try and pin down your worries. Write them down in a list. No matter how big or small or trivial the worry seems - get it down. Next look through the list and pick 3 of the main worries - those that provoke the most intense emotions in mind. Next try and re-arrange the worry into a question. A how to or how do I question. The brain is wonderful at problem solving and if you can try and change this worry you have into a question your brain will start to unravel the problem instead of constantly adding more layers to the worry with constant anxious thinking.

If you can try and trace the root cause of these issues, see what was left unanswered in the past, look to see what those emotions conjured when these events occurred. When you find something that stand out you need to address and purge these negative emotions and replace them with different emotions that no longer negatively impact on you or cause you to feel anxious or depressed in the here and now.

A few things to try there, maybe it'll help.

Ed

Straight up, I'm scared of having a panic attack & not being able to get help. Right now, I can honestly say that if I panic, nothing can happen. It's just a shitty feeling.. But when im feeling anxiety, I assure myself that I will panic & something very bad will happen & no one will be able to help me unless I'm with my family.. Ugh

[SweetPea11]

I completely understand the feeling of needing help. Even if my husband is right next to me I still feel that I need more. Like the more family around will make it disappear. But I usually have to find a quiet space to make all the flying thoughts calm down. I wish this was easy to overcome and I give you great credit for going off your meds and tackling this head on, no matter how hard. Just keep staying strong (I know, easier said then done!)

[BrookeLynnnn]

I completely understand the feeling of needing help. Even if my husband is right next to me I still feel that I need more. Like the more family around will make it disappear. But I usually have to find a quiet space to make all the flying thoughts calm down. I wish this was easy to overcome and I give you great credit for going off your meds and tackling this head on, no matter how hard. Just keep staying strong (I know, easier said then done!)


Thank you.. It's honestly been the hardest 4 months of my life.

[JohnC]

Hang in there Brooke, I have not read all the post but i know you can do it.

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you.. It's honestly been the hardest 4 months of my life.

There's nothing that can be done from a powerless 'victim' perspective. Dr Dan addressed the concerns other than psychic, meaning the worry and self talk in relation to the baby.

I have said too many times to count (this forum) Indecision > doubt > worry > fear. (victim)

I told you to use this time wisely, during the coming months pre natal. Not to lament or sit and shake in your boots, but to reflect on everything that speaks untruths about who you are. A clearing and release, healing, before the birth. Take this post to your therapist.

Now, a reading (caps intended for emphasis):

When will you take ownership of your life? "This is MY life, MY child, MY fears, MY emotions, MY anxiety, MY thoughts, MY experiences.. The past is MY mistakes, MY successes, MY fault, MY efforts, MY expectations, MY beliefs.

This is MY LIFE to do with as I WISH.

Now,

I want you to STOP and feel. Feel what powerlessness FEELS LIKE. Feel it ! SIT and FEEL. "Oh no ! what if ? OMG, no one is here and this is dire ! Everything is crumbling around me ! HELP ME, HELP ME"

How does that feel? powerless? What does the fear say if it had a voice? "Im not worthy" "Im not good enough" "Im not deserving" "Im not capable" "Im not...." . Now, its endless.

Allowing those beliefs to transport you back to the time you first felt them. See the events in your mind.

Those events associated with false beliefs about who you are, (and you are aware of each of them), are vividly portrayed from the perspective of victim. Now, in the current days, the events hazy and forgotten you are left with an overall 'weak and powerless' approach toward every area of life.

The way to overcome this and effectively change the beliefs to constructive ones is by this recapitulation of associated memories and TAKING OWNERSHIP REGARDLESS OF THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS. Do not say "But it was not my fault" NO ! Take responsibility for every aspect of life, see the events of the past in that light, now, FEEL THAT. Even the experiences seemingly out of your control, from an ownership perspective you feel empowered. And that, is what you need to do.

EMPOWER YOURSELF.

You - and I just said this in another thread - You cannot return what you first didn't buy. The same holds true for beliefs, you cannot heal, what you don't own. If you play the blame, shame, guilt, regret, remorse, powerless victim game, then you cannot effectively change because you are not empowered to do so.

That is all.

A sense of personal power does not come from victimhood, or acts of courage, but ownership, you see. Only by owning can you make the decision to sell. "But they did this to me, and they did that to me, and my life sucks, and this happened to me, and that.... and this. and that....." MOM, DAD where are you ?

"I am in charge of my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. My experiences have been for a reason, regardless of the trauma or outcome, I will take responsibility for my hand in them, I will own them, they are MINE ALONE, and thus I get to do with them as I wish. I am not a victim but a participant (rather the captain) in my life, what I attract is my expectations and even if they are destructive I will own them, and face up to them, because I know constructive change can only occur if I am the captain of my ship. If I walk down the street and someone laughs at me, I OWN IT, IT IS MINE. The feelings are my responsibility, my thoughts are my own, it is MY LIFE DAMMIT and I will direct it by responsibility as my rudder"

Now, that is truly all. Should you return to therapy, this is the roadmap. Along with the associated blocked out memories, and the beliefs (ideas) that don't accurately represent who you are. CBT in its purest form, unadulterated, was intended as a means to change beliefs, but one must preface that course with first releasing blame, guilt, shame, and feelings of victimization, by anything, including anxiety or any so called disease. Take responsibility for it, own it, find the belief behind it, and then change it, using the acceptable study of CBT if you wish.

A preface to therapy in general, is responsibility of your life, EVERY AREA OF IT. Without responsibility, therapy is like a ship without a sail and no rudder. You will both spin yourself in circles. Because the fault still lies outside the self, with someone else always to blame or another shoulder to lean on like a crutch. In that case, you are stifled, you cannot move of your own accord. You will never walk without the crutches.

I am your friend Brooke, I am always available. Although these posts contain most of the complete messages. I am here for you because motherhood is ever so important, so I am nudging you in the right direction, at your inner request. On a 'soul' level. Reread this, and drown everything else out.

[BrookeLynnnn]

I enjoy your posts so much.. Thank for that. You allow me to see this in another view.

Like you said, I am the captain of my life. Starting now, I will choose what I let bring me fear. Going to work & being out in public, being alone should not scare me. I'm gonna go to work tonight & stand up against my fear.

[Im-Suffering]

I enjoy your posts so much.. Thank for that. You allow me to see this in another view.

Like you said, I am the captain of my life. Starting now, I will choose what I let bring me fear. Going to work & being out in public, being alone should not scare me. I'm gonna go to work tonight & stand up against my fear.

Own who you are. Responsibility for your beliefs, feelings, actions, experiences (yes even the 'negative' ones). I am trying to get you to feel powerful, every day, in every way.

There's no magic to that, although feeling that way is magical. You are a strong, empowered, woman, you see. Your shoulder is strong enough for someone to cry on, for a child to look up to and respect, trustworthy and true.

Should there be hurts, own them, should there be pain, own it, successes, and failures, own them equally. Own every single aspect of every moment of your life, and accept responsibility as you would a diamond from a spouse or friend.

You only need to begin to act this way, and the empowering feelings will wash over your being. Next time you feel like crying out in fear, OWN IT. Raise your shoulders straight and high, stand tall and take responsibility for whatever belief you are feeling. No blame, no victimizing yourself (making yourself out to be a victim), no shame.

And I promise you, no exceptions, a renewed sense of personal power and purpose. Purpose will come to you accompanying power, a renewed vision only capable from that elevated sense of self awareness.

[RealisticTrain]

I am going to take a page of Im-Suffering's book (forgive me, my friend, I know this is your territory!) and share something non-clinical that has helped me quite a bit in the past, before med school when I myself went through a difficult period of anxiety and depression. It's a poem by an old English poet named William Ernest Henley, called "Invictus".

It's a touching reminder of the resilience of the human soul.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

And remember Brooke, our community will always be here to help you out, encourage you, or just to listen. The sacrifices you're making for your child are nothing short of commendable. And even though times are difficult now, always remember in your heart that this too will pass.
- Dr. Dan

[BrookeLynnnn]

I am going to take a page of Im-Suffering's book (forgive me, my friend, I know this is your territory!) and share something non-clinical that has helped me quite a bit in the past, before med school when I myself went through a difficult period of anxiety and depression. It's a poem by an old English poet named William Ernest Henley, called "Invictus".

It's a touching reminder of the resilience of the human soul.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

And remember Brooke, our community will always be here to help you out, encourage you, or just to listen. The sacrifices you're making for your child are nothing short of commendable. And even though times are difficult now, always remember in your heart that this too will pass.
- Dr. Dan

Thank you Dan! I enjoy that poem too. & you are right, this will pass. I've been this anxious & sad before. Just this time, there's no magic pill to aid me. It's time I learn to conquer my demons without medication.