Need advice!

[Brittani 07]

Hello all! I need as much advice as I can get right now. About a month or so ago I was asked to travel across the US for work where I would be gone for about a week. I didn't want to say yes, but was told by a few co workers I didn't really have a choice. I have had anxiety off and on the past year and as of right now my anxiety has never felt worse. Depression has even taken a hit on me after not being able to make out a thought process. Ever since I have been asked I cannot stop thinking about it. So many questions I can't stop my mind from asking.. The thought of leaving my son and husband who I have never been gone from longer than 24 hours is making me feel lost already. I am so worried I am going to have a nervous breakdown while away and embarrass myself in front of everyone. I leave in exactly a week. This morning I woke up thinking I should tell them I cannot go for the sake of leaving my son that long.. On the other hand I feel very self defeated by doing so. Any advice would be appreciated!

[Im-Suffering]

You do not ever have to do anything you don't want to do. Be true, to you.


Hello all! I need as much advice as I can get right now. About a month or so ago I was asked to travel across the US for work where I would be gone for about a week. I didn't want to say yes, but was told by a few co workers I didn't really have a choice. I have had anxiety off and on the past year and as of right now my anxiety has never felt worse. Depression has even taken a hit on me after not being able to make out a thought process. Ever since I have been asked I cannot stop thinking about it. So many questions I can't stop my mind from asking.. The thought of leaving my son and husband who I have never been gone from longer than 24 hours is making me feel lost already. I am so worried I am going to have a nervous breakdown while away and embarrass myself in front of everyone. I leave in exactly a week. This morning I woke up thinking I should tell them I cannot go for the sake of leaving my son that long.. On the other hand I feel very self defeated by doing so. Any advice would be appreciated!

Defeated? Where is that pressure coming from?

"I have anxiety, and if I do not push myself here into physical illness and beyond, I am of no worth, and Im a failure"

"If I do not go, I will surely be fired or somehow let down my coworkers/boss, and so anxiety has defeated me yet again"

"If I am fired, I lose my income and thus I feel like a failure at home and this diminishes my value as a person"

How about:

"It is my life, and I realize I always need to be who I am. I will never judge or criticize myself, knowing that I love me...And that judgement leads to stress and self condemnation at times, I will not do it. I am proud to be me, an exceptional mother, wife, and employee. If I feel uncomfortable in any situation I am to solve it immediately, because I know if I linger in doubt, that in itself causes despondency leading surely into depression and anxiety. And so a month ago, I would have firmly said, 'no thank you' and went about my way. If that was unacceptable to them, too bad ! If anyone closes any doors on me, another will surely open. I do not have to prove to anyone I am capable of anything. Nor do I need to take tests to trigger my anxiety on purpose. I am a winner, no matter what the external says, and so I simply do not acknowledge the term defeat"

"My mind is my own, and so I will not accept into awareness the poison of any negative influences (peers), nor leave myself open and susceptible to criticism and judgment from within or without."

You must like yourself, period. That is what all of this is about. Face value is an illusion, and so you think a cross country trip, or a trip to the grocery store is the be and end of it all, one way or the other. Your life has more depth than that. There is a purpose, you see.

Now Im not telling you to avoid what you fear, Im telling you to do what you want, that is in your highest regard. Is it in your highest regard to fly off across the world at the drop of someone elses dime, at their request, at their demands because of a wage they pay you? Rather than work slowly at healing, being kind to the self, loving the self, and one day taking this long trip because you desire it? Instead of going out of guilt, shame, blame, remorse, self-hatred ('why cant I just be normal') - doing what others expect of you rather than your own best interest. (which is a childhood belief and is the cause of much of the anxiety to begin with)

That is all I have. You however, have the courage to be you, and speak up about that.

(Now, you may receive replies on this message board such as 'go for it', 'youll feel better', 'just do it and youll conquer the fear', 'don't let fear stop you'...Remember, they are offering you this advice as an experiment where you are the guinea pig , as they shake in their own boots while they give it.)

[Brittani 07]

Thank you so much for the response. Shortly after I posted I called a close friend and let her know how I was feeling. She gave me similar advice--"Be true to yourself." Anxiety is still somewhat new to me but I am beginning to realize that once I move pass it I will come out a stronger person. I am learning a lot about myself. One being that I tend to care way to much about the outside eyes than my own. I have been finding ways to cope on my own. One being meditating which I find very self rewarding. I am going to be the best I can this week and not fight any doubts I have. If I do not go I will not let that defeat myself. :)

[Im-Suffering]

One brief comment (as you will see, I will not let you off the hook so easily):


Thank you so much for the response. Shortly after I posted I called a close friend and let her know how I was feeling. She gave me similar advice--"Be true to yourself." Anxiety is still somewhat new to me but I am beginning to realize that once I move pass it I will come out a stronger person. I am learning a lot about myself. One being that I tend to care way to much about the outside eyes than my own. I have been finding ways to cope on my own. One being meditating which I find very self rewarding. I am going to be the best I can this week and not fight any doubts I have. If I do not go I will not let that defeat myself. :)

For your own edification:

Get into a habit of making decisions quickly, and changing them if ever, slowly. Rather than the opposite. The next week will be a self-test (drama) if you let it unfold as you say, each day spent doubtful of the right choice, raising its accompanying thought, old man worry, and finally the big gun fear. And so the following remark (yours) is not clear, or true to who you are :

"I am going to be the best I can this week and not fight any doubts I have. If I do not go I will not let that defeat myself."

You cannot fight doubt if it is born from indecision (you must experience it), no exceptions.

Better to decide swiftly (a month ago), and live with that, then the repercussion of worry and fear.

So, in best efforts, symbolically, make the decision now, and stick to it.

Over time, you will come to see the propensity for indecision in the past and that will light the way for some healing as you begin to understand who you are. As you vow to decide clearly (as a judge) and swiftly in future matters, you will show yourself the power within (and trust). That's in the end a worthy effort. Self-discovery.

This post in itself will be a good trigger because it will conflict with the 'wait till the last available minute for your decision' habit. I say 'habit' twofold, one, language is limited, and two indecision is learned and comes from the fear of criticism, possibly childhood.

[Kuma]

If you manage to overcome your anxiety about this trip, and complete it, and do a good job, you will probably be proud of your accomplishment. That may help you to accomplish other things that are difficult for you. Success builds upon success. One victory leads to another. Confidence builds upon itself.

Of course, if you are simply unable to take this step, then that is what it is. It does not matter whether doing the trip would be good for your career and good for your confidence building, etc. If it is simply impossible for you to accomplish this, then you can't do it. (And in that event, I agree you should not beat yourself up over it).

So is it possible, or impossible, for you to do this trip? I am not saying is it "hard" or "easy". I know it is hard. But we all have to do things that are hard for our jobs, and sometimes we also gain the most personally from accomplishing things that are hard.

So you decide. If you have within you the inner strength to overcome your fears and do this trip -- and do it well -- then I think you have a lot to gain, probably both professionally and personally. If you don't, then that is what it is -- and in that event you should just focus on other goals in your life and remember that you are still a good person.

But don't be afraid to push yourself a little bit. Some good can come from that. (And it will also show the confidence that you have in your husband. Is he a good guy who is capable of taking care of your son for a week while you travel for business?).